February 23, 2012 · Filed under Dating & Relationships, Retro, Sex · Tagged Amazing Race, Argue, Back Rub, Bet, Colin and Christie, DVD, Fighting, Hand Job, Love, Lovemaking, Peanut Butter and Jelly, Romantic Evening, Sex, Tv Shows
Guys, surprise your date with a “knockout” evening that she won’t forget!
First, pop in the five DVD disc set of the emmy award-winning reality tv show, The Amazing Race Season 5 to watch the show’s most competitive couple, Colin and Christie, duke it out on practically every episode of the season.
Make “love bets” on how long Colin and Christie can go without fighting.
For example: Gals, offer to give him a “hand” job if they can stop fighting for 2 minutes. Guys, if it turns out they had a fight 40 seconds later, not 2 minutes later like she said, make her do some “love work” for you like giving you a nice back rub.
Next guys, surprise the hell out of her by starting a “small argument” with her over something so trivial and stupid.
Example: Have a hissy fit over the fact that she turned the volume of the tv up too loud and it hurt your ears. Guys, really pretend to get worked-up over the trivial thing.
Once she starts getting worked-up herself, yank her into your arms and silence her words with hot, wet kisses.
Proceed to make love on whatever surface you desire while the soothing sounds of Colin and Christie’s fighting fills the air.
February 23, 2012 · Filed under Controversial/Taboo, Editorial, Gay/Homosexual, Songs · Tagged Banned, Controversy, Derogatory, Dire Straits, Faggot, Freedom of Speech, Guitar, Hate Speech, Homophobic, I Want My MTV, Lyrics, Mark Knopfler, Money For Nothing, MTV, Music, Offensive, Radio, Rock N' Roll, Songs, Sting, USA, Videos, Voiceover
Last night I was listening to the radio while I was preparing to go out to dinner with some friends when the 80′s song, Money For Nothing by Dire Straits came on and naturally I began to sing along because I really like the song and I love the video! Anyhoo, I hadn’t heard the song or seen the video for a really long time so when a particular verse of the song began to play I found myself momentarily shocked. Here’s the verse that I am referring to:
“See the little faggot with the earring and the make-up
Yeah buddy that’s his own hair
That little faggot got his own jet airplane
That little faggot he’s millionaire”
After hearing this verse, I got to wondering how in our ultra politically correctness millenium world how this song still gets airplay.
Now don’t get me wrong, I really like the song and I really loved the video back in the day when MTV actually played music videos and actual music. (Sorry, Jersey Shore!) But usually songs with any derogatory or what some people might call hateful, offensive or homophobic lyrics (For example check out basically any song recorded on rapper, Eminem’s second album, The Marshall Mathers LP) are usually either banned from the radio asap, the offensive lyric taken out or someone does a voiceover over the offensive lyric replacing it with a more politically correct one.
Which is exactly why i’m very surprised that noone has made a big stink about this one particular verse being hate speech or something like that because people let’s face it, even though i’m not 100% sure but i’m fairly certain that “the faggot with the earring and the make-up” that Mark Knopfler is referring to is probably a wealthy gay male who dresses eccentricly. So that led me to do some serious thinking and here are a few conclusions that I came up with regarding the lyric in question.
1. Although a derogatory word was used in the song, maybe since the song was recorded in the 80′s before political correctness invaded every corner of our universe people and radio stations across the land just let the derogatory word slide and just took the song at face value for what it truly is. A kick-ass song with one of the best guitar riffs ever! (To be honest, even I have to admit that when the song first came out in the 80′s when I was a teenager I didn’t bat one eyelash to the “faggot” reference.)
2. Maybe the rock group, Dire Straits meant the term “faggot” in a completely innocent way. After all the song was recorded back in the 80′s, a much more innocent and simpler time than now.
3. Maybe the rock group, Dire Straits did in fact know that the word, “faggot” was offensive and derogatory but simply didn’t give a shit and decided that they were going to write a song containing any words that they wanted and to hell with everybody else!
4. Maybe the rock group, Dire Straits knew that like sex, controversy also sell alot of records too so they intentionally put the “faggot” lyric in to increase their sales.
Well, whatever the hell the reason, only the members of the rock group, Dire Straits know the answer.
However, if Mark Knopfler or any other member of the rock group, Dire Straits ever happen to come across this blog post, please let us know the reasoning behind the “faggot” lyric. We really want to know!
Below are the lyrics to the song, Money For Nothing by Dire Straits.
Now look at them yo-yo’s that’s the way you do it
You play the guitar on the MTV
That ain’t workin’ that’s the way you do it
Money for nothin’ and chicks for free
Now that ain’t workin’ that’s the way you do it
Lemme tell ya them guys ain’t dumb
Maybe get a blister on your little finger
Maybe get a blister on your thumb
We gotta install microwave ovens
Custom kitchen deliveries
We gotta move these refrigerators
We gotta move these colour TV’s
See the little faggot with the earring and the makeup
Yeah buddy that’s his own hair
That little faggot got his own jet airplane
That little faggot he’s a millionaire
We gotta install microwave ovesns
Custom kitchens deliveries
We gotta move these refrigerators
We gotta move these colour TV’s
I shoulda learned to play the guitar
I shoulda learned to play them drums
Look at that mama, she got it stickin’ in the camera
Man we could have some fun
And he’s up there, what’s that? Hawaiian noises?
Bangin’ on the bongoes like a chimpanzee
That ain’t workin’ that’s the way you do it
Get your money for nothin’ get your chicks for free
We gotta install microwave ovens
Custom kitchen deliveries
We gotta move these refrigerators
We gotta move these colour TV’s, Lord
Now that ain’t workin’ that’s the way you do it
You play the guitar on the MTV
That ain’t workin’ that’s the way you do it
Money for nothin’ and your chicks for free
Money for nothin’ and chicks for free
February 22, 2012 · Filed under Advice · Tagged Advice, Amateur, Ann Landers, Ask, Columnist, Dear Abby, Doctor, Help, Knowledge, Life Experience, Question, Seek, Solution
Below is a little “minor league” advice that I give to a select few. While I don’t have any type of doctorate degree or formal training in giving advice, I simply have a shitload of life experience which I think qualifies. Anyhoo, here we go!
Dear Knowledgeable: I’ve known “Anita” for 10 years and thought we were close. But eight months ago, I started a small business selling handcrafted jewelry, and last week, Anita informed me that she is going to start selling handcrafted jewelry, too. I am fuming that this so-called “friend” would go into competition with me. Please advise me. — Not Pleased in North Dakota
Dear North Dakota: Reality check, you don’t own the patent on the handcrafted jewelry business. If Anita wants to sell handcrafted jewelry that is her right as an American citizen just as it is yours. You’ll just have to be a grown-up entrepreneur and accept the fact that you’ll have lots of competition in the handcrafted jewelry business and some of it may be from your friends. Since I don’t know you or Anita at all, I don’t know if she is really your friend or simply an old acquaintance. Only you and Anita know the answer to this question. In the mean time, avoid sharing with Anita any jewelry designs or marketing plans for your business, keep “business talk” light just in case she’s not on the up and up. Don’t forget to thank Anita for giving you the heads up about her going into the handcrafted jewelry business and wish her the best. (A sign of a true business professional) I know that this may be hard but try to put a positive spin on the situation. Don’t think of Anita starting her own handcrafted jewelry business as a sign of betrayal instead be proud of the fact that your jewelry was so beautiful and unique that it actually inspired another individual to follow in your footsteps. And regardless of whether Anita is a friend or foe, “business is business” which means that you are going to blow her handcrafted jewelry business and her enterprising ass out of the water and make her regret the day that she decided to go into competition with you! (Just remember to adhere to professional standards and be civil about it.)
February 22, 2012 · Filed under Business Ideas/Ventures, Food · Tagged Address Labels, Business Mail, Chef, Complaint, Customer, Flies, Fly Trap, Food, Fresh, Fruit, Gnats, Hairy, Restaurant, Tips, Wax
Every restaurateur should consider using address labels because they have so many unique uses in the culinary world. For example an address label can be cut into small strips and used to wax the hair off of the hands or arms of a hairy chef, they can also be put over the mouth to silence those “extremely annoying constantly complaining about the food” customers, they can also be placed around your cooking area to catch those pesky flies and gnats that always seem to appear when you have fresh fruit out in the open and oh yeah, they can also be used on your business mail too.
February 22, 2012 · Filed under Humor & Funny Things, Pop Culture · Tagged Bar, Boston, Carla, Cheers, Cliff, Coach, Diane Chambers, Dr. Frazier Crane, Evan Drake, George Wendt, Irish, John Ratzenberger, Kelsey Grammar, Kirstie Alley, Mayday, Norm, Pub, Red Sox, Relief Pitcher, Rhea Perlman, Sam Malone, Shelley Long, St. Patrick's Day, Tavern, Ted Danson, Woody Harrelson
Hey Barkeep, do you want to be the next Sam “Mayday” Malone? If so, here are the requirements:
1. You must be a single good-looking man
2. Who drives a corvette
3. Has a neurotic and uptight ex-girlfriend named Diane
4. Only hires waitresses that are petite and rude
5. Has a lame-ass friend who is a mailman
6. Has a kick-ass friend who doesn’t have a steady job and
drinks alot of beer
7. Has a daybed in his office at the bar
for his afternoon trysts with any good-looking woman with
a pulse
8. Once was a major league baseball player
9. Who had an alcohol problem but is sober now
10. And currently has a huge bald spot in the back of the head which
is covered with a toupee
TO ALL OF YOU NEW-FANGLED SAM “MAYDAY” MALONE’S OUT THERE, I WANT TO SAY “CHEERS” AND GOOD LUCK BECAUSE YOU HAVE SOME PRETTY BIG SHOES TO FILL, WEAR A CONDOM TO PROTECT YOURSELVES FROM STD’S AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST RUN LIKE HELL IF YOU SEE A CHICK WHO LOOKS LIKE DIANE CHAMBERS/SHELLEY LONG COMING TOWARDS YOU AND ALSO HAVE A VERY HAPPY ST. PATRICK’S DAY! CHEERS!
P.S. To all of you Sam “Mayday” Malone hounds out there, you might also want to take a trip to Boston to see the pub that inspired the hit series, “Cheers” and created an 80′s television legend. For more info, click on Cheers Boston.
February 18, 2012 · Filed under Business Ideas/Ventures, Food, Humor & Funny Things · Tagged Business, Clogged Arteries, Comedy, Cooking, Crisco, Education, Fiction, Food, French Fries, Grease, Greasy Spoon, Hamburger Patties, Health Conscious, Humor, Mountain Dew, New Leaf, Profit, Restaurant, Stain, Twinkies
Are you a greasy spoon owner?
Do you want to turn over a new leaf?
If so, here are some tips.
First, get rid of the 6 cans of used grease that you store in Crisco cans in your kitchen.
Second, get rid of the 29 bags of frozen hamburger patties and 30 bags of frozen french fries in your freezer.
Third, get rid of the 175 packages of Twinkies and 80 cans of Mountain Dew sitting on your counter.
Fourth, take a nice long break because getting rid of that much junk food can really wear a person with clogged arteries the hell out.
Fifth, do what a lot of health conscious people in the world do and replace the junk food that you threw out with alot of green leafy salads chocked full of vegetables or try serving some turkey burgers or lean ground round and healthy beverages like fruit juices and smoothies instead and turn over a healthy new leaf!
P.S. Just because a sandwich or burger wrapped in paper doesn’t have a big ol’ grease stain on the bottom doesn’t mean it can’t make a healthy profit!
Healthy food rules!
But so does junk food in moderation, of course.
February 16, 2012 · Filed under Humor & Funny Things, Pop Culture · Tagged Addiction Program, Allegiance, Amen, Answering Your Cell Phone, Astor, Beyonce, Big Butts, Blow Job, Bra, Busy, Cake, Christopher Columbus, Code, Cody, Cut Up, Dance, David Fisher, Dexter Morgan, Dicking, Doctor, Elvis Has Left The Building, False Advertising, Ferdinand Magellan, Gay, God Bless America, Great American Flat Lands, Hammertime, Harry, High School Reunion, Homosexual, Hope, Ill, John Lithgow, Kissing, Loves Kids, Mathew St. Patrick, MC Hammer, Murder, Padded, Pledge, Pray, Push Up, Rita, Sacrilege, Serial Killer, Showtime, Six Feet Under, Snicker, Stereotype, T-Shirt, Trinity, White Boys Can't Dance, Working
It’s false advertising, really. Just like when a triflin’ chick wears a padded push up bra to entice a guy only for the sweet innocent guy (loud-ass snicker) who only likes chicks with big jugs to unfortunately find out later when they are gettin’ it on that like Christopher Columbus and Ferdinand Magellan he has discovered the great American flat lands. Boo hoo hoo, sweet innocent guys! (Loud-ass snicker!) That’s what your asses get for bein’ so damn shallow! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Anyhoo gettin’ back to the damn subject of this blog post, hey dudes and dudettes, I have a question for yall, “Why does Dexter Morgan, ya’ know the lovable psycho serial killer with a soft spot for kids on Showtime’s hit tv show, Dexter ALWAYS answer his damn cellphone! I mean dudes, dudettes what the fuck is up with that sick shit? I mean it ain’t normal! It’s totally fuckin’ psycho for a normal human being to answer his cellphone all the time! Sacrilege, baby! Sacrilege! And okay people I know that Dexter Morgan isn’t exactly “normal” but still a psycho serial killer answering their cellphone all the time is in a psycho league all its own! Sacrilege!
I mean the majority of people in the world even crazy-ass serial killers when they are ill, busy, working, committing a murder, having a good time or hell, even enjoying a good dicking simply ignore answering their landline or cellphones but not Mr. High & Mighty Pledge Allegiance To The Code Of Harry, Dexter Morgan! No this selfish crazy-ass sonofabitch answers his damn cellphone 24/7! I mean sometimes Dexter will do the right and normal thing and let his cellphone go to voicemail! (God Bless America!) B-U-T and I mean a big-ass butt like Beyonce’s, Dex will ALWAYS answer his damn cellphone THEN let the bitch go to voicemail! Wtf??? Sacrilege, baby!
I’ll tell ya’ of all of the fucked up shit this psycho serial killer has done which includes going all “hammertime” in the fourth season on kick-ass actor, John Lithgow’s Trinity Killer in the end and in the sixth season goin’ all “sterotypical white boys can’t dance” by doing a horrid and shitty “hammertime” dance on the dance floor at his 20th high school reunion this answering his cellphone 24/7 shit really takes the damn cake! (And by the by people, it ain’t delicious mouth watering cake it’s that hard brittle dry-ass muthafuckin’ shit!) And people let me ask you this, “Who wants that shit?” Sure as hell, not me!
B-U-T apparently Dexter Morgan does and there ain’t a damn thing that I, Showtime, Harry, Astor and Cody or even sweet little Rita currently suckin’ dirt “six feet under” can do! (Hey yall, did yall get the “subtle” reference that I made to Michael C. Hall’s first major television role, David Fisher on HBO’s ground breaking show, Six Feet Under! Michael, you were extremely creepy and an extremely naughty boy on that show! And I loved every minute of it! I mean dude, getting a blow job from a fix-it guy while sitting on top of a washer in a funeral home, now that shit was pure genius! Plus, all of those hot-ass kissin’ scenes that you did with Mathew St. Patrick! They were hot Michael C. baby, they were hot! Dude, to be honest, when you married Jennifer Carpenter who incidentally plays your fictional sister on Dexter, which is a little creepy I was so damn disappointed because I thought you were one of the coolest and most positive role model gay guys on the planet! But I digress! Mostly because you’re now divorced. Woo hoo! Hey Michael, return to the gay side baby, return to the gay side! Anyhoo, what I originally planned to say before getting bogged down with all of this “six feet under” shit is that my play on words with “six feet under” in this blog post was pure genius and you guys and gals know it! Am I a conceited bitch? Yes, I am!)
Anyhoo, gettin’ back on point again, I know that Dexter is this hot shit blood spatter analyst with the Miami Metro Police Department and he helps to solve alot of crimes but big fucking deal! This is still no excuse for answering your cellphone ALL THE DAMN TIME! So when people say that Dexter Morgan’s dark passenger is his need to murder or cut people the fuck up, those bitches are dead wrong! Pun fucking intended! Dexter Morgan’s true dark passenger is his fucking inability to not answer his cellphone or any damn phone within a million mile radius! And it’s got to stop! This muthafucka’ needs help which is the primary reason that I am writing this blog post. Since everybody else on the planet is Alicia Silverstone-Clueless about Dexter Morgan’s Dark Passenger but i’m not but mostly because i’m smarter and cuter than most of you. Oh, snap! I, Tina Knowledgeable Peden am enlightening your fucking clueless asses!
So if there is a doctor or addiction program with a heart, screw that murder/cut people the fuck up shit, that’s totally irrelevant! PLEASE helps this muthafucka’ overcome his CELLPHONE ANSWERING ADDICTION because doctors or addiction programs if you don’t things are only going to get worse not just for him but for everybody on the planet! Today Dexter Morgan is answering his cellphone 24/7 tomorrow this muthafucka’ will be answering YOUR PHONE 24/7! And who the fuck wants that, sure as hell, not me! And I hope and pray that you don’t want that either! Doctor or addiction program please hear my plea and help a totally fucked up serial killer with a soft spot for kids the hell out before we all suffer!
A-fucking-MEN.
(By the by dudes and dudettes, if you really liked my humor piece on Dexter Morgan then pay a visit to my t-shirt shop and check out my new Dexter Morgan t-shirts. To look at them please click on “It Is My Dream To Wear A T-Shirt With A Hip Pop Culture Psycho Serial Killer On It!”)
Thank you!
Tina Knowledgeable Peden has left the fucking building without answering her cellphone!
Woo hoo!
February 16, 2012 · Filed under Dating & Relationships · Tagged AdultFriendFinder.com, Big Butts, Booty, Cooking, Create, Dating, Dating & Relationships, Dating Services, Dating Tips, Drawers, Fake, Girl, Guy, J-Lo, Jennifer Lopez, Laid Back, Lie, Match.com, Online, Padded, Profile, Shoe Lifts, Slob, Stubble, Takeout, Tricks, Truth, Underwear, Wax
Hey guys, how many times have you put on a monkey suit or cleaned your apartment from top to bottom just to impress a date when if the truth be told you are the biggest faded t-shirt and jeans wearing slob on the planet? Gals, how many times have you had your legs waxed or cooked a fancy meal for a date when in actuality you are the undisputed stubble queen of takeout?
Tell me, when it comes to dating, how fake are you?
P.S. Hey gals, do you want to meet some hot guys who put lifts in their shoes so that they can add a couple of inches to their height? Hey guys, do you want to meet some hot J-Lo wannabes who wear padded drawers so that they can add a couple of inches to their bootys? If so, try visiting the many online dating services where you probably won’t get busted for being fake like Match.com, eHarmony.com or AdultFriendFinder.com and create a fake, I mean, fabulous profile.
Whew!
Good luck!
February 16, 2012 · Filed under Dating & Relationships, Holiday/Special Occasions, Sex · Tagged Ambiance, Beer, BuyCostumes.com, Candy Corn, Caveman, Cheers, Construction Paper, Def Leppard, DVD, Earth Shattering, Fun, Gals, Girl, Glue, Grasshopper, Green, John Wayne, Kissable Kandles, Lady, Lassie, Leprechaun, Lita Ford, Luck, Luck o' The Irish, March 17, Marcy Playground, Maureen O'Hara, Moan, Nawty Things, Netflix, Night, Novelty, Paper Plates, Popcorn, Prehistoric, Pub, Romantic Movies, Sassy, Sex, Sexual, Shamrock, Signs, St. Patrick's Day, St. Patty's Day, Tavern, The Quiet Man, Trigger, VCR
Hey gals, St. Patrick’s Night is coming up soon! March 17! Woo hoo! So treat that special guy to a fun and romantic evening that will keep him moaning from pleasure all night long.
First, create the ambiance by decorating your home with multiple leprechaun and shamrock pictures along with some green, black and white streamers. And most importantly a couple of Kissable Kandles that you can buy at Nawty Things! Gals, this online store has a unique variety of erotic massage Kissable Kandles.
For those of you who don’t know what an erotic massage Kissable Kandle is basically it is a candle that contains a sumptuous scent which triggers sexual responses.
Nawty Things has several scented erotic massage Kissable Kandles to choose from like: “Sex on the Beach,” “Gropin’ Grape,” “Cherry” and “Fuzzy Navel.” Click on the following link to see the list of Kissable Kandles that Nawty Things has to offer. http://nawtythings.com/candles.html
Next, create some romantic artwork for this special occasion. Gals, break out a bag of green candy corn, green magic markers, white or black construction paper and white or black paper plates and glue then create some “Sex Signs!” Remember to have fun! Be daring! Be a nawty girl!
Create nawty text messages like: “I’m Hot and Sticky Sweet, From My Head Down To My Feet!” (Thanks, Def Leppard!) “Kiss Me, Deadly!” (Thanks, Lita Ford!) “I Love Sex and Candy!” (Thanks, Marcy Playground!)
Place the “sex signs” all over the house.
Next whip up a large pitcher of green beer or a couple of grasshoppers and place them on a table or stand in the bedroom. (A green table cloth would be very complimentary!) Don’t forget the glasses and napkins either. Also, don’t forget to pop a large bowl of green popcorn and place it in the bedroom as well.
Next gals, change into a sexy St. Patrick’s costume of your choice such as a Sassy Lassie or a Lady Luck costume from BuyCostumes.com.
Gals, when your special guy arrives, let him soak up the ambiance, your outfit and all of the sex signs that you created before you get all prehistoric caveman on his ass by dragging him into the bedroom.
Next gals, pop in the Irish movie classic, “The Quiet Man” starring John Wayne and Maureen O’Hara into your VCR or DVD player or watch it on Netflix and settle down onto the bed with your special guy and watch this beautiful movie while you munch on popcorn and sip beer or grasshoppers.
Gals, when the movie ends give your special guy a nice erotic massage with the cooled down Kissable Kandle wax then let the moaning from earth-shattering St. Patrick’s Night sex begin!
Which is a wonderful way to end a fun and romantic St. Patrick’s Night!
Again gals, have fun and have a Happy St, Patrick’s Day and Night!
February 14, 2012 · Filed under Food, Reviews · Tagged 70's, Andy Lambros, Child Actor, Cute, Famous Jingles, Food, Grub, Kid, Kraft, Oscar Mayer Bologna, Review
Rating: 1-10 stars
I give this “grub”: 10 stars!
Why:
-The jingle’s lyrics are fun and easy to sing.
-1970’s commercial features ultra-cute four year old Andy Lambros who could carry a tune.
-Jingle made Bologna a “cool” food.
-The jingle was advertising genius because it instantly identified the company and product name in the song.
-To this day, I Tina “Knowledgeable” Peden, still sing this song just before I take my first bite into my Oscar Mayer bologna sandwich. (P.S. I am 41 years old. The commercial came out over 35 years ago and I still love it to this day!)
And here are the beloved lyrics to one of my favorite foods!
Oscar Mayer Bologna Jingle Lyrics:
My bologna has a first name, it’s O-S-C-A-R
My bologna has a second name, it’s M-A-Y-E-R
Oh, I love to eat it every day, and if you ask me why, I’ll say,
Cause’ Oscar Mayer has a way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A!
My Grub Recommendation:
For a hearty lunch, make this sandwich. Use Oscar Mayer Bologna with lettuce, tomatoes, onions and black olives. Don’t forget to spread some Hellman’s Mayonnaise on two slices of honey wheat bread. A nice bag of potato chips, a small bowl of soup, a big dill pickle and a soda could be added to compliment the meal.
Mmmm, Mmmm, Mmmm Good!
