Below is a little “minor league” advice that I give to a select few. While I don’t have any type of doctorate degree or formal training in giving advice, I simply have a shitload of life experience which I think qualifies. Anyhoo, here we go!

Dear Knowledgeable: I’ve known “Anita” for 10 years and thought we were close. But eight months ago, I started a small business selling handcrafted jewelry, and last week, Anita informed me that she is going to start selling handcrafted jewelry, too. I am fuming that this so-called “friend” would go into competition with me. Please advise me. — Not Pleased in North Dakota

Dear North Dakota: Reality check, you don’t own the patent on the handcrafted jewelry business. If Anita wants to sell handcrafted jewelry that is her right as an American citizen just as it is yours. You’ll just have to be a grown-up entrepreneur and accept the fact that you’ll have lots of competition in the handcrafted jewelry business and some of it may be from your friends. Since I don’t know you or Anita at all, I don’t know if she is really your friend or simply an old acquaintance. Only you and Anita know the answer to this question. In the mean time, avoid sharing with Anita any jewelry designs or marketing plans for your business, keep “business talk” light just in case she’s not on the up and up. Don’t forget to thank Anita for giving you the heads up about her going into the handcrafted jewelry business and wish her the best. (A sign of a true business professional) I know that this may be hard but try to put a positive spin on the situation. Don’t think of Anita starting her own handcrafted jewelry business as a sign of betrayal instead be proud of the fact that your jewelry was so beautiful and unique that it actually inspired another individual to follow in your footsteps. And regardless of whether Anita is a friend or foe, “business is business” which means that you are going to blow her handcrafted jewelry business and her enterprising ass out of the water and make her regret the day that she decided to go into competition with you! (Just remember to adhere to professional standards and be civil about it.)

Every restaurateur should consider using address labels because they have so many unique uses in the culinary world. For example an address label can be cut into small strips and used to wax the hair off of the hands or arms of a hairy chef, they can also be put over the mouth to silence those “extremely annoying constantly complaining about the food” customers, they can also be placed around your cooking area to catch those pesky flies and gnats that always seem to appear when you have fresh fruit out in the open and oh yeah, they can also be used on your business mail too.

Hey Barkeep, do you want to be the next Sam “Mayday” Malone? If so, here are the requirements:

1. You must be a single good-looking man

2. Who drives a corvette

3. Has a neurotic and uptight ex-girlfriend named Diane

4. Only hires waitresses that are petite and rude

5. Has a lame-ass friend who is a mailman

6. Has a kick-ass friend who doesn’t have a steady job and
drinks alot of beer

7. Has a daybed in his office at the bar
for his afternoon trysts with any good-looking woman with
a pulse

8. Once was a major league baseball player

9. Who had an alcohol problem but is sober now

10. And currently has a huge bald spot in the back of the head which
is covered with a toupee

TO ALL OF YOU NEW-FANGLED SAM “MAYDAY” MALONE’S OUT THERE, I WANT TO SAY “CHEERS” AND GOOD LUCK BECAUSE YOU HAVE SOME PRETTY BIG SHOES TO FILL, WEAR A CONDOM TO PROTECT YOURSELVES FROM STD’S AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST RUN LIKE HELL IF YOU SEE A CHICK WHO LOOKS LIKE DIANE CHAMBERS/SHELLEY LONG COMING TOWARDS YOU AND ALSO HAVE A VERY HAPPY ST. PATRICK’S DAY! CHEERS!

P.S. To all of you Sam “Mayday” Malone hounds out there, you might also want to take a trip to Boston to see the pub that inspired the hit series, “Cheers” and created an 80′s television legend. For more info, click on Cheers Boston.

Are you a greasy spoon owner?

Do you want to turn over a new leaf?

If so, here are some tips.

First, get rid of the 6 cans of used grease that you store in Crisco cans in your kitchen.

Second, get rid of the 29 bags of frozen hamburger patties and 30 bags of frozen french fries in your freezer.

Third, get rid of the 175 packages of Twinkies and 80 cans of Mountain Dew sitting on your counter.

Fourth, take a nice long break because getting rid of that much junk food can really wear a person with clogged arteries the hell out.

Fifth, do what a lot of health conscious people in the world do and replace the junk food that you threw out with alot of green leafy salads chocked full of vegetables or try serving some turkey burgers or lean ground round and healthy beverages like fruit juices and smoothies instead and turn over a healthy new leaf!

P.S. Just because a sandwich or burger wrapped in paper doesn’t have a big ol’ grease stain on the bottom doesn’t mean it can’t make a healthy profit!

Healthy food rules!

But so does junk food in moderation, of course.

It’s false advertising, really. Just like when a triflin’ chick wears a padded push up bra to entice a guy only for the sweet innocent guy (loud-ass snicker) who only likes chicks with big jugs to unfortunately find out later when they are gettin’ it on that like Christopher Columbus and Ferdinand Magellan he has discovered the great American flat lands. Boo hoo hoo, sweet innocent guys! (Loud-ass snicker!) That’s what your asses get for bein’ so damn shallow! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Anyhoo gettin’ back to the damn subject of this blog post, hey dudes and dudettes, I have a question for yall, “Why does Dexter Morgan, ya’ know the lovable psycho serial killer with a soft spot for kids on Showtime’s hit tv show, Dexter ALWAYS answer his damn cellphone! I mean dudes, dudettes what the fuck is up with that sick shit? I mean it ain’t normal! It’s totally fuckin’ psycho for a normal human being to answer his cellphone all the time! Sacrilege, baby! Sacrilege! And okay people I know that Dexter Morgan isn’t exactly “normal” but still a psycho serial killer answering their cellphone all the time is in a psycho league all its own! Sacrilege!

I mean the majority of people in the world even crazy-ass serial killers when they are ill, busy, working, committing a murder, having a good time or hell, even enjoying a good dicking simply ignore answering their landline or cellphones but not Mr. High & Mighty Pledge Allegiance To The Code Of Harry, Dexter Morgan! No this selfish crazy-ass sonofabitch answers his damn cellphone 24/7! I mean sometimes Dexter will do the right and normal thing and let his cellphone go to voicemail! (God Bless America!) B-U-T and I mean a big-ass butt like Beyonce’s, Dex will ALWAYS answer his damn cellphone THEN let the bitch go to voicemail! Wtf??? Sacrilege, baby!

I’ll tell ya’ of all of the fucked up shit this psycho serial killer has done which includes going all “hammertime” in the fourth season on kick-ass actor, John Lithgow’s Trinity Killer in the end and in the sixth season goin’ all “sterotypical white boys can’t dance” by doing a horrid and shitty “hammertime” dance on the dance floor at his 20th high school reunion this answering his cellphone 24/7 shit really takes the damn cake! (And by the by people, it ain’t delicious mouth watering cake it’s that hard brittle dry-ass muthafuckin’ shit!) And people let me ask you this, “Who wants that shit?” Sure as hell, not me!

B-U-T apparently Dexter Morgan does and there ain’t a damn thing that I, Showtime, Harry, Astor and Cody or even sweet little Rita currently suckin’ dirt “six feet under” can do! (Hey yall, did yall get the “subtle” reference that I made to Michael C. Hall’s first major television role, David Fisher on HBO’s ground breaking show, Six Feet Under! Michael, you were extremely creepy and an extremely naughty boy on that show! And I loved every minute of it! I mean dude, getting a blow job from a fix-it guy while sitting on top of a washer in a funeral home, now that shit was pure genius! Plus, all of those hot-ass kissin’ scenes that you did with Mathew St. Patrick! They were hot Michael C. baby, they were hot! Dude, to be honest, when you married Jennifer Carpenter who incidentally plays your fictional sister on Dexter, which is a little creepy I was so damn disappointed because I thought you were one of the coolest and most positive role model gay guys on the planet! But I digress! Mostly because you’re now divorced. Woo hoo! Hey Michael, return to the gay side baby, return to the gay side! Anyhoo, what I originally planned to say before getting bogged down with all of this “six feet under” shit is that my play on words with “six feet under” in this blog post was pure genius and you guys and gals know it! Am I a conceited bitch? Yes, I am!)

Anyhoo, gettin’ back on point again, I know that Dexter is this hot shit blood spatter analyst with the Miami Metro Police Department and he helps to solve alot of crimes but big fucking deal! This is still no excuse for answering your cellphone ALL THE DAMN TIME! So when people say that Dexter Morgan’s dark passenger is his need to murder or cut people the fuck up, those bitches are dead wrong! Pun fucking intended! Dexter Morgan’s true dark passenger is his fucking inability to not answer his cellphone or any damn phone within a million mile radius! And it’s got to stop! This muthafucka’ needs help which is the primary reason that I am writing this blog post. Since everybody else on the planet is Alicia Silverstone-Clueless about Dexter Morgan’s Dark Passenger but i’m not but mostly because i’m smarter and cuter than most of you. Oh, snap! I, Tina Knowledgeable Peden am enlightening your fucking clueless asses!

So if there is a doctor or addiction program with a heart, screw that murder/cut people the fuck up shit, that’s totally irrelevant! PLEASE helps this muthafucka’ overcome his CELLPHONE ANSWERING ADDICTION because doctors or addiction programs if you don’t things are only going to get worse not just for him but for everybody on the planet! Today Dexter Morgan is answering his cellphone 24/7 tomorrow this muthafucka’ will be answering YOUR PHONE 24/7! And who the fuck wants that, sure as hell, not me! And I hope and pray that you don’t want that either! Doctor or addiction program please hear my plea and help a totally fucked up serial killer with a soft spot for kids the hell out before we all suffer!

A-fucking-MEN.

(By the by dudes and dudettes, if you really liked my humor piece on Dexter Morgan then pay a visit to my t-shirt shop and check out my new Dexter Morgan t-shirts. To look at them please click on “It Is My Dream To Wear A T-Shirt With A Hip Pop Culture Psycho Serial Killer On It!”)
Thank you!

Tina Knowledgeable Peden has left the fucking building without answering her cellphone!

Woo hoo!

Hey guys, how many times have you put on a monkey suit or cleaned your apartment from top to bottom just to impress a date when if the truth be told you are the biggest faded t-shirt and jeans wearing slob on the planet? Gals, how many times have you had your legs waxed or cooked a fancy meal for a date when in actuality you are the undisputed stubble queen of takeout?

Tell me, when it comes to dating, how fake are you?

P.S. Hey gals, do you want to meet some hot guys who put lifts in their shoes so that they can add a couple of inches to their height? Hey guys, do you want to meet some hot J-Lo wannabes who wear padded drawers so that they can add a couple of inches to their bootys? If so, try visiting the many online dating services where you probably won’t get busted for being fake like Match.com, eHarmony.com or AdultFriendFinder.com and create a fake, I mean, fabulous profile.

Whew!

Good luck!

Hey gals, St. Patrick’s Night is coming up soon! March 17! Woo hoo! So treat that special guy to a fun and romantic evening that will keep him moaning from pleasure all night long.

First, create the ambiance by decorating your home with multiple leprechaun and shamrock pictures along with some green, black and white streamers. And most importantly a couple of Kissable Kandles that you can buy at Nawty Things! Gals, this online store has a unique variety of erotic massage Kissable Kandles.

For those of you who don’t know what an erotic massage Kissable Kandle is basically it is a candle that contains a sumptuous scent which triggers sexual responses.

Nawty Things has several scented erotic massage Kissable Kandles to choose from like: “Sex on the Beach,” “Gropin’ Grape,” “Cherry” and “Fuzzy Navel.” Click on the following link to see the list of Kissable Kandles that Nawty Things has to offer. http://nawtythings.com/candles.html

Next, create some romantic artwork for this special occasion. Gals, break out a bag of green candy corn, green magic markers, white or black construction paper and white or black paper plates and glue then create some “Sex Signs!” Remember to have fun! Be daring! Be a nawty girl!

Create nawty text messages like: “I’m Hot and Sticky Sweet, From My Head Down To My Feet!” (Thanks, Def Leppard!) “Kiss Me, Deadly!” (Thanks, Lita Ford!) “I Love Sex and Candy!” (Thanks, Marcy Playground!)

Place the “sex signs” all over the house.

Next whip up a large pitcher of green beer or a couple of grasshoppers and place them on a table or stand in the bedroom. (A green table cloth would be very complimentary!) Don’t forget the glasses and napkins either. Also, don’t forget to pop a large bowl of green popcorn and place it in the bedroom as well.

Next gals, change into a sexy St. Patrick’s costume of your choice such as a Sassy Lassie or a Lady Luck costume from BuyCostumes.com.

Gals, when your special guy arrives, let him soak up the ambiance, your outfit and all of the sex signs that you created before you get all prehistoric caveman on his ass by dragging him into the bedroom.

Next gals, pop in the Irish movie classic, “The Quiet Man” starring John Wayne and Maureen O’Hara into your VCR or DVD player or watch it on Netflix and settle down onto the bed with your special guy and watch this beautiful movie while you munch on popcorn and sip beer or grasshoppers.

Gals, when the movie ends give your special guy a nice erotic massage with the cooled down Kissable Kandle wax then let the moaning from earth-shattering St. Patrick’s Night sex begin!

Which is a wonderful way to end a fun and romantic St. Patrick’s Night!

Again gals, have fun and have a Happy St, Patrick’s Day and Night!

Rating: 1-10 stars
I give this “grub”: 10 stars!

Why:

-The jingle’s lyrics are fun and easy to sing.

-1970’s commercial features ultra-cute four year old Andy Lambros who could carry a tune.

-Jingle made Bologna a “cool” food.

-The jingle was advertising genius because it instantly identified the company and product name in the song.

-To this day, I Tina “Knowledgeable” Peden, still sing this song just before I take my first bite into my Oscar Mayer bologna sandwich. (P.S. I am 41 years old. The commercial came out over 35 years ago and I still love it to this day!)

And here are the beloved lyrics to one of my favorite foods!

Oscar Mayer Bologna Jingle Lyrics:

My bologna has a first name, it’s O-S-C-A-R
My bologna has a second name, it’s M-A-Y-E-R
Oh, I love to eat it every day, and if you ask me why, I’ll say,
Cause’ Oscar Mayer has a way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A!

My Grub Recommendation:
For a hearty lunch, make this sandwich. Use Oscar Mayer Bologna with lettuce, tomatoes, onions and black olives. Don’t forget to spread some Hellman’s Mayonnaise on two slices of honey wheat bread. A nice bag of potato chips, a small bowl of soup, a big dill pickle and a soda could be added to compliment the meal.

Mmmm, Mmmm, Mmmm Good!

I’ll tell ya’ folks, there are alot of things in this world that I simply do not understand and if the truth be told, never will understand for as long as I live.

One of those things is bestiality. For those of you who don’t know what that is, bestiality is the engaging of sexual activity between humans and animals.

When I was a teenager I had a dutch rabbit named Sabastian. I really loved that rabbit!

But folks, I never wanted to “love” or have sex with that rabbit, if you know what I mean. Call me old fashioned, a prude or whatever you want but I think that sex should be among one’s own species, i.e. humans should have sex with humans, animals should have sex with animals and insects should have sex with insects, etc.

So when human beings turn to animals for sex, I really feel that it is a form of rape. Folks, let’s face it, no animal on earth can truly give their verbal consent on whether they want to have sex with a human. And if they can’t do that, to me it’s rape.

Some in the legal field would say that bestiality is the perfect crime because the animal can’t talk or complain about the sex and most people simply don’t want to go there. Bestiality is a very uncomfortable and taboo subject to talk about. But just because we don’t really want to talk about it doesn’t mean that it’s not happening. And it could be happening right in your own backyard.

Whether it be that a person is not getting enough sex from their spouse, maybe their spouse is not sexually satisfying them, maybe the person is looking for something different or the person has a morbid curiosity, there are some men and women out there who unfortunately decide to turn to their beloved pets especially their dogs for sex in these situations. And as animals they are powerless to stop this form of abuse.

But you can!

Spouses, look out for the following signs!

Sign 1: Locked Doors
Does your spouse constantly lock the doors to rooms in your dwelling when he or she is alone with your pet? If so, watch out!

Sign 2: Unusual Licking
Does your pet seem to be licking your spouse’s mouth or genital area a little more and longer than they should? If so, watch out!

Sign 3: Travel Everywhere
Does your spouse absolutely insist or demand that your pet go with him or her everywhere? And when I say everywhere, I mean everywhere! For instance, does your spouse even insist or demand that your pet to go to the restroom with them. If so, watch out!

Sign 4: Intimate Touching
Does your spouse pet or constantly touch your pet’s genital or buttocks area? If so, watch out!

Sign 5: Online & Your Pet
Does your spouse constantly hold your pet in their lap while they are on the internet? Does your pet always seem to be with your spouse when they are online? Do you see quick finger movements on the computer’s keyboard by your spouse when you approach? If so, watch out!

Sign 6: Photos
Do you see your spouse constantly taking pictures of or videotaping your pet but they refuse to show you the photos or tape? If so, watch out!

Sign 7: In Heat
Does your spouse’s pulse seem to speed up? Do they lick their lips? Do they touch themselves? Does his member rise when they get close to your pet? Does your spouse constantly change their underwear after spending time with your pet? If so, watch out!

Unfortunately, if you do discover that your spouse has been having sex with your beloved family pet, do yourself, your spouse and your pet a favor by not covering it up no matter how embarrassing or shameful it may make you feel! You are helping noone if you do. Do the smart thing and notify the police and get your spouse psychiatric help immediately! And try to stay strong! After all, you did nothing wrong and everything right.

Sex Definition: S.F.O.L. stands for Shit-Faced On Love.

Instead of a couple being drunk on margaritas, whiskey sours, beer or jello shots like normal people they are drunk on their love for each other. When these couples are together they experience an overwhelming intoxicating feeling of intense passion for each other which often leads to public displays of french-kissing, butt-rubbing and boob-tweaking. It also leads individuals who witness these displays to engage in head-shaking, soft-snickering, mucho-upchucking and police-calling.

I will now use this phrase in a sentence to clarify its meaning.

Hey Jebidiah, look at those two hound dogs all shit-faced on love! Dude, check out what they are doing all over that tacky-ass Elvis Presley life-sized placemat! Dude, i’m all shook up!