In the Cubicle World, bosses and co-workers often say one thing to you but mean something completely different or they simply do things that you don’t understand. This column will reveal the true meaning behind the spoken words of your cubiclemates and let you know what they are really saying. It will also provide answers to questions on the perplexing things that employees of the Cubicle World do that you don’t understand.

CUBICLE QUESTION: What does it mean when an employer tells you that you didn’t get the job that you applied for but they will keep your resume on file for one year?

KNOWLEDGEABLE’S ANSWER: It means two things. First, you’ll never hear from the bastards again, so start sending out your resume to other companies asap and second if you call back three days later, your resume WON’T be on file (they lied!) because it was purged right after you received the email that you didn’t get the job that you applied for but they will keep your resume on file for one year.

CUBICLE QUESTION: What does it mean when you start receiving repeated compliments from your boss on your job performance after the company has been audited?

KNOWLEDGEABLE’S ANSWER: Unfortunately, this can mean several things but it generally means that the company can’t afford to give you a monetary raise at this time but they also can’t afford for you to quit either thus the “free compliments” which kills two birds with one stone.

CUBICLE QUESTION: What does it mean when one of your co-workers doesn’t knock on the door before coming into your office?

KNOWLEDGEABLE’S ANSWER: It means that they are a rude and inconsiderate person who will one day be your boss but not before you have personally spent 500 long hours training them, so try not to get pissed off at them when they barge into your office unannounced because soon they will hold your career in their hands.

CUBICLE QUESTION: What does it mean when the boss’ secretary promises that she won’t tell on you when she sees you on her lunchbreak coming out of an afternoon matinee when you called in sick that morning?

KNOWLEDGEABLE’S ANSWER: It all depends on if the boss’ secretary likes or dislikes you.

-If she LIKES you then she’ll keep half her promise, she won’t tell your boss but she will tell her mother, her best friend from college, the mailman, the pizza delivery guy, the plumber and all of your co-workers. But at least you can console yourself with the fact that she didn’t tell the boss and there is a 10% chance that your boss won’t find out your secret.

-If she DISLIKES you then you are screwed because she’s got the power! You are her slave from now on at the office. You’ll have to get used to the fact that you will have to do whatever she wants, whenever she wants with no back talk or complaints. Your office life as you know it is now over unless you decide to fess up to the boss about what you did or find another job at a different company.

CUBICLE QUESTION: What does it mean when you ask your office manager if you can use the company printer after hours to make copies of your 800 page novel then 12 pages into printing it he asks you how much longer is it going to take?

KNOWLEDGEABLE’S ANSWER: It means that your office manager is a complete idiot with no common sense and the only reason that he got his job is because the owner of the company is his father. It also means that you should have gotten your cheapskate ass up early this morning and went to Kinkos and paid the lousy 15 cents per page fee then you wouldn’t have had to put up with this B.S.

CUBICLE QUESTION: What does it mean when after 10,000 complaints from the female employees a male employee of a small one bathroom law office maintains that he simply forgot to put the toilet seat down?

KNOWLEDGEABLE’S ANSWER: It means screw you bitches, I didn’t forget to put the toilet seat down at all, in fact I had no intention of putting it down because this is a man’s world and I am a male chauvinist pig hear me roar! The company bathroom is my own personal bathroom and I will do whatever I damn well please, so deal with it! Unfortunately gals, you may have to unless you can think of a way to have his dumb sexist ass fired! Until that glorious day, gals you might want to consider keeping some disposable plastic gloves and disinfectant spray in the bathroom so that you don’t contract any Hepatis C germs from having to put the toilet seat down.

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