Back in 2007 I wrote a short comedy piece for the Rejection Hotline or rhbrands.com. Here is the long version of that piece. I also put the piece on my Instablogs.com web page.


“If you’re hearing this message it means that you have been fired from your job.”

“Possible reasons why you got canned are:”

“A. Using a company computer to view porno sites and failing to clean up your mess afterwards.”

“B. Sexually harassing ugly co-workers over the age of 30.”

“Sexually harassing ugly co-workers under the age of 29 is completely acceptable and within company guidelines.”

“C. Stealing company property then selling it and not giving the janitor his 50 percent cut.”

“D. It’s an election year and your new boss is a staunch Republican and you’re a no good bleeding heart, tree-huggin’ Democrat.”

“E. It’s an election year and your new boss is a staunch Democrat and you’re a greedy environment-ruining, equal rights bashing Republican.”

“F. You’re a victim of corporate downsizing which means you were fired for no good reason at all.”

“G. Your contract with the company wasn’t renewed because the printer ran out of ink due to all the 50 year old employees photocopying their butts.”

“H. Your body odor and bad breath have been slowly killing the plants.”

“I. You’ve been late arriving at work because of being picked up for drunk driving 81 times and 80 is the company limit.”

“J. You’re salary demands were way too low which is a disgrace to greedy employees everywhere.”

“K. You don’t get along with any of your co-workers because you are the only one there who actually works unlike everybody else who are only there to check their Facebook pages, make long distance calls and steal the postage stamps.”

“L. The boss found out that you had sex on the breakroom microwave and didn’t have the decency to tape it and upload it a’la Paris Hilton-style onto the internet for everyone to see!”

“M. You got caught lying about being sick when you were spotted at a Morris Albert concert that same day.”

“P.S. The reason why you were fired wasn’t because you lied, it was because you actually went to see Morris Albert in concert and no company can have their employees engaging in that kind of sick-ass behavior, i.e. Morris Albert and his crappy love song, ‘Feelings’ sucks! Feelings, wo-o-o feelings, wo-o-o, feelings. Feelings, wo-o-o feelings, wo-o-o, feelings.”

“And I hope that this message doesn’t hurt your feelings because as a reminder if you’re hearing this message it means that you have been fired from your job.”

“To put is nicely, you’ve been terminated, dismissed, sacked, let go, axed, kicked to the curb, chucked, discharged and sacked.”

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