Archive for November, 2011


Ladies, has this ever happened to you?

You put on your best dress, shave the two month stubble off of your armpits, called in every favor (legal and illegal) known to man, just for one romantic grown ups only dinner out on the town with your husband and just as you are about to open the door, the phone rings and your babysitter informs you that she has to cancel.

What the hell do you do?

Do you cancel your romantic dinner out on the town that you have been looking forward to for so long or do you go out anyway?

Remember ladies, we always have options. So it is basically up to you what you want to do.

But if I can put my two cents in, I say, screw it, and you quickly put a nice outfit on those kids, grab the pacifier and a couple of small toys and games and go out anyway.

Suck it up and think of this semi-romantic dinner out on the town as a challenge especially if your children are very young. But, nevertheless, a challenge that you can overcome and win!

And here’s how to do it, winner.

There are three important rules that a couple has to follow if they want to have a successful semi-romantic dinner out of the town with the kids.

Rule Number 1: Include, Include, Include!

This is the most important rule of all!

It is an absolute requirement that you make your children an intregal part of your romantic dinner. Your children cannot feel left out at any point. Children, who feel included are less likely to behave badly. So, include, include, include! Below are a couple of ways how to do this.

Instead of ordering a bottle of wine for you and your husband and a couple of sodas for the kids, ladies ask the waiter or bartender if they have any grape or apple juice. (Most restaurants will have them.) Then have everybody lift their glasses or baby bottles and make a toast to your husband and then tell everybody to take a sip of their “wine.” Ladies don’t forget to let the kids make a couple of toasts to you and your husband too. Remember, include, include, include. (Ladies, you can also stop by the grocery store and pick up a bottle or can of apple or grape juice before you go to the restaurant. Easy breezy!)

If the restaurant has an area where people can dance, by all means dance! Have fun! And couples don’t forget to ask your children to dance with you. Mom dance with your son! Dad dance with your daughter or vice versa. Couples make it a threesome by dancing with each other and one of your children. Don’t forget to encourage your children to dance with each other as well! Couples remember to include, include, include!

If the restaurant has strolling violin players or a band, ask them to play a kiddie song like, “Old MacDonald Had A Farm” or “The B-I-N-G-O. Song” where the kids can sing along to it and be a part of. Also, couples be sure to sing along with the kids and encourage other people in the restaurant to sing along too to create a fun and festive atmosphere. (Couples, don’t be afraid to ask any musicians in the restaurant to do this. Remember, alot of them probably have children of their own or are happy to play a kiddie song to make your children happy.)

Guys, be sure to “feed” your wife a couple of bites of your food from your own fork or spoon and encourage her to do the same to you. Couples don’t forget to feed the kids a couple of bites of your food and encourage them to feed you a couple of bites of their food. Guys, also ask the waiter if the restaurant offers a dessert like chocolate dipped strawberries or plain fruit like strawberries, blueberries, watermelon slices or grapes. If so, order whichever one that you prefer and feed them to your wife and kids.

Couples, when you want a few seconds to yourselves throughout the evening. Tell the kids that you want to play a game called, “Freeze.” Tell them that whenever you or your spouse says the word, “Freeze,” that the kids have to stop what they are doing for 10 seconds and be still. This means no talking as well. Couples, this will allow you to sneak in a few kisses and hugs in those 10 seconds. Be sure to reward the kids with a couple of hugs and kisses too for playing the game. Plus, be sure to also whip out those small handheld electronic games or mp3 players with headsets for additional seconds to sneak in a few kisses and hugs with your spouse too.

If the restaurant that you go to sells flowers, heart-shaped balloons, boxes of chocolates or other gifts, guys buy a rose not only for your lovely lady but for each one of your children too. By doing this you will make your children feel special, keep their hands busy and give them something all their own to remember this special evening with. Ladies, buy a heart-shaped balloon for your hubby and each one of your children too to make them feel included and to give them a little responsibility as well.

Couples, if you feel up to it and the kids are not too tired and it is safe to do so, take a short walk after your semi-romantic dinner. Hold and caress hands as you walk with your spouse. Couples don’t forget to hold your children’s hands as well and encourage them to hold each others hands too. Make everyone a true part of the walk. Include, include, include!

Rule Number 2: No Constant Yelling or Scolding!

Before you embark on your semi-romantic dinner out on the town with the kids be prepared for the fact that some of the people in the restaurant that you will go to will actually be pissed off at you for bringing your kids along. Usually couples and adults are patrons of restaurants that are deemed “romantic” or “fine dining” establishments. So bringing the kids along to a “romantic restaurant” or “fine dining establishment” will definitely make you unpopular with some of the patrons. But, so what! It’s none of their business anyway. America is a free country. And most restaurants don’t ban children from them, even “romantic restaurants” or “fine dining establishments” because of the crying and noise that they sometimes make. That would be illegal and open the restaurant up to alot of lawsuits.

But couples do your part by not adding fuel to the fire by constantly yelling and scolding your children. Nobody wants to hear that. If you do have to say something to your children like, “Quit hitting your sister!” or “Your behavior is unacceptable!” try to do it in a quiet but firm manner. And if this isn’t working and some heavy duty yelling and scolding is in order, take the child somewhere private like to the restroom or outside the restaurant to do this.

Rule Number 3: Smile and Laugh a lot!

This is the easiest and most fun rule of all!

Throughout your semi-romantic dinner out on the town with the kids try to smile and laugh as much as you possibly can. Remember couples, like dogs and bees can smell a person’s fear, children have the same ability to sense unhappiness in their parents and respond accordingly usually negatively. So smile and laugh alot to send out happy positive vibes that your children will not only pick up on but respond to accordingly. Like Ricardo Montalban’s character “Mr. Roarke” would constantly say on the 1970’s tv show, Fantasy Island, “Smiles everyone, smiles!”

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Ladies, here is a list of the top organic and natural make-up companies on the internet that I wrote and compiled in November 2006 for my Associated Content page. Try some of their products and tell me what you think.

1. Global Healing Center ( offers organic make-up, skincare, health products and home health equipment. One of their most popular items is the Organic Shimmer Eye Shadow Cream which comes in many color-coordinating shades. Key Ingredient: Kaolin Clay: Water-proof and absorbs oils secreted from the skin. This ingredient keeps eye shadow from “running”. Price: $13.99 each.

2. MiEssence ( ( offers the world’s first certified organic cosmetics, skincare & healthcare products. One of their most unique products is MiEssence Organic Ambrosia Essense which is a dual toner and moisturizer with eight herbal and flower extracts. Key Ingredients: Organic Tamanu Nut Oil improves the appearance of wounds and healthy skin. Organic Rosehip Seed Oil reduces appearance of scars, facial lines & premature aging. Price: $72.95 on OS.

3. Burt’s Bees ( offers natural cosmetics, haircare, remedies, etc. Stand-out products include Burt’s Bees Concealing Creme which is a concealer that hides under eye circles, skin imperfections and blemishes. It comes in two shades, light and medium. Key Ingredient: Rosemary Extract: This anti-bacterial moisturizing oil is excellent for acne! Price: $9.00.

4. The Organic Make-up Company ( ( offers organic make-up, skincare and wellness products. One of OMC’s best products is their All Natural and Organic Facial Cleansers which come in four varieties. I recommend trying the Palma Rosa & Geranium Face Cleanser. This cleanser is non-drying and gently cleans dirt and make-up. Key Ingredient: Organic Geranium Essential Oil: Helps to relieve nervous tension and in some instances, can help to prevent insomnia. Price: $16.45 on OMC/$13.50 on Amazon.

5. Raesin Images Cosmetics ( offers natural cosmetics, mineral make-up and skincare products. The Raesin Images Colour ID System Liquid Mineral Make-up contains natural skincare ingredients that leave skin nourished and flawless looking. Comes in over 70 shades and 3 foundation formulas. Key Ingredient: Zinc Oxide: Helps to block the ultraviolet rays of the sun. Price: $24.99 for .5 oz bottle.

6. Pur Reflections ( offers pure and natural make-up, skin and body care. Super Hydration D20 Facial Water is a phenominal facial spritzer that soothes and helps to heal and protect skin against dehydration and dryness. Key Ingredient: Shea Butter: Emollient butter that heals wounds, stretch marks, and soothes irritated skin. Price: $17.00.

7. Paul Penders ( offers natural organic skincare products, herbal cosmetics and haircare products. Their “Nutritious color” lip colors are lipsticks that protect and strengthen even the most sensitive lips. Comes in 12 classic colors. Key Ingredient: Ceramides: Helps to maintain moisture levels in the epidermis. Price: $14.50.

8. J.Lynne Cosmetics ( offers mineral make-up and natural skincare products. One of their most interesting products is their Carrot Complexion Natural Handmade Luxury Soap which is a deep-cleansing facial soap made with carrot juice that rehydrates dry, damaged and sensitive skin. Key Ingredient: Beta-Carotene: Excellent antioxident and plays a major role in cancer prevention. Price: $7.50.

9. Aubrey Organics ( offers 100% natural make-up, hair, skin & body care products. To remove all traces of make-up, try Aubrey Organics Herbessence Make-up Remover. It is made from eight herbal oils that wipe away make-up and impurities. It also prepares the skin for cleaning and is safe to use under the delicate eye area. Key Ingredient: Macadamia Nut Oil: Tones aged and dry skin. Price: $6.95.

10. Monave ( offers natural mineral make-up and skincare. Unlike other companies, Monave really addresses the needs of women of color. One of their best products is Monave Eyeliners which are handcrafted with natural plant products. They come in 7 shades. Key Ingredient: Jojoba Oil: Rich in Vitamins A, D, and E. Also provides suppleness and softness to the skin. Price: $11.50.

11. Honeybee Gardens ( offers pure, all-natural cosmetics, bath and body care products. One of their most unique products is their ColorBalm Naturals Lipstick which provides the protection of a lip balm combined with the color of a lipstick. Comes in 20 colors. Key Ingredient: Kukui Nut Oil: Ideal for chapped and rough lips because of it’s emollient and cooling properties. Price: $9.99.

12. Cory Cosmetics ( offers handcrafted mineral cosmetics, natural skincare, bath and body products. One of their stand-out products is Eye Fix-Sation Brow Wax which sets the eyebrows for an all day hold. It comes in a clear shade and six color shades. Key Ingredient: Organic Extract of Black Willow Bark: Soothes headaches and arthritis. Price: $6.99.

13. BareEscentuals ( offers 100% pure and natural mineral make-up and skincare products. For a glowing complexion, try BareEscentuals Cush Foaming Seaweed Cleanser which is a deep-pore cleanser that gently cleans and moisturizes the face. Key Ingredient: Sage Oil: Antimicrobial and stimulating oil that tightens and firms the skin. Price: $20.00.

14. Jane Iredale ( offers natural mineral cosmetics. For a kisser that will make Barbara Hershey’s lips look deflated, try Jane Iredale More Lip – Lip Plumper. This moisturizing plumper will make your lips look fuller without having to resort to painful and expensive Collagen or Restylane
lip injections. Key Ingredient: Ginger Root Extract: Improves blood circulation.
Price: $18.00.

15. Sheer Cover ( ( offers natural mineral-based make-up and skincare. Leeza Gibbons, formerly of the tv show, Entertainment Tonight, sponsors this company. One of Leeza’s picks is the Sheer Cover Base Protector which is a light oil-free make-up base that smooths away visible skin imperfections, enlarged pores and fine lines. Key Ingredient: Cucumber Extract: Has slight bleaching action which aids in removing dead skin cells. Price: $23.50 on HSN.

16. Dr. Hauschka ( offers natural holistic cosmetics, skin, body, and hair care products. One of their most popular products is the Lipliner 01-04 which accentuates and contours the lips. Key Ingredient: Anthyllis Extract: Normalizes oily and dry skin. Price: 16.95.

17. Wei East ( offers natural herbal cosmetics and skincare. Bright Lights Rice Milk Essense provides targeted treatment to blotchy or discolored skin and brightens face by evening out the skin tone. Key Ingredient: Calcium:
Regulates the secretion of various hormones to the body. Price: $58.00.

18. Nvey Le Maquillage ( offers natural, earth-friendly organic cosmetics and bodycare. One of their hottest items is the Organic Compact Powder which contains earth minerals that provide natural coverage while sealing and refreshening foundation. Key Ingredient: Chamomile Extract: Anti-inflammatory extract that calms allergic reactions. Price: 42.00.

19. Arbonne International ( offers natural cosmetics, skincare, weight loss products, etc. To hide fine lines, try Arbonne’s About Face Line Defiance Make-up SPF 8 which is a liquid make-up that smoothes wrinkles. It comes in 15 shades. Key Ingredient: Wheat Germ Oil: Aids in renewing skin cells. Price: $26.00.

20. Ecco Bella ( offers natural and organic skincare, cosmetics, haircare, etc. One of their stand-out items is the “Good For You Gloss” which is a portable lip gloss that comes in 4 gorgeous colors. And for gals on the go, the applicator tube contains a built-in mirror so you can apply it anywhere! Key Ingredient: Organic Palmfruit Stearin: Stabilizes lipgloss and keeps it from melting in the heat. Price: $13.95.

21. Earth’s Beauty ( offers organic/natural cosmetics and skincare. Bisque and Almond were the two top sellers for 2005 for the Mineral Colours Plus SPF Foundation Powder Line. This powder is heavier than regular foundation powder because it conceals and has sunscreen protection. Key Ingredient: Organic Wildcrafted Blend Of Arrowroot: Provides a clear gloss to the skin. Price: $24.95.

22. Aveda Corp./Estee Lauder Cosmetics Inc. ( offers natural and organic make-up, skin, hair and body care. For a twist, try Aveda’s Petal Essence Cheek Tint which is a swivel-up cream blush that comes in a tube. Key Ingredient:
Jasmine: Increases skin elasticity. Price: $22.00.

23. Lavera Naturkosmetik ( offers 100% organic cosmetics and skincare. One of their most sought after products is the Rose Skin Liposome Face Mask which is a hydrating revitalizing mask for dry and mature skin. Key Ingredient: Mango Seed Butter: Softens, protects and renews skin damaged by sun or wind. Price: $7.50.

24. Aromaleigh ( offers natural mineral cosmetics and aromatics. One of their most popular items is the 25% Vitamin C Serum which is an oil-free serum that exfoliates, firms, moisturizes and protects the skin. Key Ingredient: Vitamin C: Stimulates the production of collagen which is the connective tissue that holds the body together. Price: $35.00.

25. Everyday Minerals ( offers 100% all-natural mineral make-up. For a finished look, try Everyday Minerals Finishing Dust which is a powder that sets make-up and controls oil and shine. Key Ingredient: Zea Mays: Contains an anti-caking agent and is a healthier alternative to talcum powder. Price: $10.00.

26. Geografx ( offers mineral cosmetics and natural skincare. For problem skin, try their Fresh Lemon Cleansing Mousse which is a lemon-scented whipped cleanser that cleans oily and acne-prone skin. Key Ingredient: Lemon: Eliminates oil on the skin and is used to treat cold sores. Price: $13.50.

27. Alima Cosmetics ( offers natural mineral cosmetics.
One of their best products is the Nourishing Lipbalm which is a moisturizing glossy lipbalm that is made from natural plant oils. Comes in 13 shades. Key Ingredient: Neem: Nourishing oil that helps skin to retain moisture. Price: $6.50.

28. Angelique Skin Care LLC ( offers natural mineral make-up and skincare. One of their stand-out products is their Cleansing Lotion with Oatmeal which is a facial cleanser that gently washes away oil and restores skin to it’s natural PH. Key Ingredient: Oatmeal: Soothes itchy skin conditions. Price: $13.00.

29. Larenim ( offers natural mineral make-up. For a silky complexion, try Larenim’s Mineral Silk which is a powder that can be sweeped over foundation or bare skin for a smooth and refined appearance. Comes in 3 shades. Key Ingredient: Titanium Dioxide: Full-spectrum sunscreen. Protects against UVA and UVB rays. Price: $24.99.

30. Skin Energizer ( offers natural skincare & cosmetics. For a walk on the wild side, try Skin Energizer’s Emu Oil which is a natural and antibacterial oil that penetrates deep into the skin to shrink appearance of pores. Key Ingredient: Emu Oil: Non-greasy, highly penetrating rejuvenating oil. Price: $14.95.

31. Sheer Miracle, LLC ( offers natural mineral make-up. One of their most popular products is the Mineral Lip Gloss which is an all-natural and long wearing lip glaze that comes in 7 colors. Key Ingredient: Organic Lanolin: Moisturizes and absorbs water. Price: $8.50.

32. Illuminare ( offers natural liquid mineral cosmetics. One of their most versatile items is the Crease Proof Sunscreen Eye Make-up which is a semi-matte eye color make-up that is water-proof and contains SPF 15. It can also be used as an eyeliner and to add color to the eyebrows. Key Ingredient: Methylparaben: Combats bacteria and mold. Price: $18.00.

33. PurMinerals ( offers natural mineral-based make-up and skincare. For a thorough face cleaning, try Mineral Mudd with Pascalite which is a facial masque that deep cleans and detoxifies the skin. Key Ingredient: Calcium Pascalite: Absorbs oil and reduces shine on the face. Price: $15.00.

34. Evan’s Garden ( offers natural and organic make-up, skin and body care. For a dreamy complexion, try Evan’s Garden Dreamsoap Facial Cleanser which is a liquid handcrafted soap that cleans and unclogs pores. It comes in 5 different varieties for normal skin. Key Ingredient: Beet Root: Excellent for boils, pimples and pustules. Price: $12.75.

35. Forever Mineral Cosmetics ( offers natural mineral make-up and skincare. All of FMC’s products contain lavender-based aromatherapy. For long luscious lashes, try Forever Mineral Cosmetics Mascara which is botanically-based and lacquer-free. Comes in 2 colors. Key Ingredient: Lavender: Highly aromatic oil that is soothing, calming and relaxing. Price: $13.00.

36. Afterglow Cosmetics ( offers natural mineral cosmetics. One of their best products is their Lip Gloss which makes lips look dewy and shiny while adding moisture. Comes in 7 shades. Key Ingredient: Essential Oil of Orange: Rejuvenates the skin. Price: $9.00.

37. Hemp Organics ( offers organic lip care with hemp seed oil. All Hemp Organics Lipsticks contain certified organic hemp seed oil with natural pigments and plant waxes. Comes in 32 colors. Key Ingredient: Hemp Seed Oil: Has super moisturizing qualities and is a humectant for the skin. Price: $16.95.

38. Suncoat ( offers natural nail polish and organic color cosmetics. One of their most notable items is Suncoat Water-Based Nail Polish which is naturally colored with earth pigments and contains no acetone, alcohol or FD&C dyes. Key Ingredient: Aqua: Protects skin and body from dehydration. Price: $8.99.

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(Definition) A Pane Stain is an extremely dumb-ass individual who may either be the passenger or the driver of an automobile. At some point during their journey the dumb-ass imbecile actually rolls down one of the automobile’s windows and begins yelling out inappropriate or offensive things to an innocent person or persons walking down the street minding their own damn business as they pass by them.

Usually these cocksuckers or cocksuckerettes, depending on whatever the hell gender they are, are usually accompanied by either their equally moronic-ass friends or lame-ass family members. The sole reason that these cocksuckers or cocksuckerettes engage in such stupid-ass behavior is because in their stupid-ass totally delusional minds they think that this dumb-ass action will make them look cool but in reality it totally backfires on their sorry asses (Case in point, this blog post!) because to the innocent person or persons who were verbally assaulted and to alot of the other people either walking by out on the street or sitting in their automobiles who have also just witnessed this dumb-ass display they look like “why-the-hell-are-you-yelling-out-of-the-damn-window-at-a-total-stranger-ohmigod-what-the-fuck-didn’t-your-parents-or-parol-officers-teach-you-any-goddamn-manners-you-dumb-ass-uncouth-pathetic-ass” shit stain!

I will now use this phrase in a couple of sentences to clarify it’s meaning.

“Hey LaKeesha, it’s Sharonda, girl! Open up that youtube link that I just sent you! Girl, just look at those sixteen racist caucasian cops beating the living shit out of that pimply-ass african american pane stain? God, girl, I just loves me some police brutality and some youtube!”

“Jeepers creepers mom, look at that four year old pane stain with applesauce all up in her nasty-ass matted rat nest hair cussing that sweet little old italian catholic priest the fuck out just because a couple of his flock clocked her juvenile-ass upside the head with a bible, rosary and a big-ass ‘I brake for Mary Magdalene’ sippy cup! Kids, mom, go figure!”

“Nurse will you tell that pane stain cunt slut bitch, Paris Hilton to shut her muff hole! It’s not my fault that the President of the National Organization For Intelligent White Women shoved a big-ass stop sign up her right nostril at their annual rally today. That’s her own damn fault! For pete’s sake, can’t a overpaid middle-aged plastic surgeon who has only killed two people in his lifetime get a decent blow job and nut lick from Amy the dick maker from prosthetics in peace! Jeez, Louise!”

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(This gift item needs a drawing to accompany the text.)

Standard Features Include:
-60 minutes of Recording Time
-Caller Id
-Time/Day Stamp
-LED Light which Displays Messages
-Voice Mailbox
-Fast Forward & Rewind Buttons
-Battery Backup

Unique Features Include:
-A picture of George W. Bush crying appears in the lower right-hand corner of the answering machine whenever a person leaves a voice message.
-The personalized voice greeting has a pathetic George W. Bush crying loudly in the background while the Democratic Children’s Choir chants, “Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! George Bush can’t run for president again! He served the maximum two terms, there’s no way he can ever win again! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! And by the way, leave your name, phone number and a brief message after the beep.”

(This gift item needs a drawing to accompany the text.)

Guaranteed to split even the most loud and obnoxious pills, tablets or capsules.
WARNING: This pill splitter doesn’t work on Oxycontin pills.
(A little ironic and hypocritical don’t you think!)

Standard Features Include:
-Stainless steel blade
-Non-slip cutting surface called Pill Grip
-Dishwasher safe design
-Multiple compartments for eating humble pie

(This gift item needs a drawing to accompany the text.)

This is the creme de la creme of vacuums. It virtually sucks up everything in a 3 mile radius. Dirt, dust, prostitutes and crack cocaine are no match for this powerhouse. Works on all surfaces. Excellent for hotels used in sting operations.

-Black Color
-Roller Brush Agitator
-Extra Long Cord for Career Suicide
-Detachable Hose
-Upholstery Brush
-Corner Cleaner
-6 Month Prison Term Warranty

Special Features:
-“Bitch Set Me Up” Secret Compartment has the ability to hold a wide variety of complaints about Rasheeda Moore, Barry’s former girlfriend.
-FBI Sting Operation Videocassette Recorder Secret Compartment produces high-quality, damaging and indictable photographs.

(This gift item needs a drawing to accompany the text.)

Standard Features Include:
-Lightweight Design
-Extra Loud Volume Control
-Remote Controlled Alarm Silence and Test
-Intelligent Sensing which distinguishes between non-threatening conditions and real emergencies
-Automatic Daily Self-Check Test

Unique Feature(s) Include:
-Built-in B.S. Alert Signal has the ability to detect when a Republican is blowing smoke up a Democrat’s ass. Produces a red ray of light on the offending Republican which can only be seen by a Democrat. The B.S. Alert Signal is activated when a Republican is lying through his teeth, smoking marijuana or talking about Dick Cheney. This item is a hot seller at private country clubs around the U.S.A.

(This gift item needs a drawing to accompany the text.)

Perfect gift for the bed-hopping democrat!

The JFK Lost Earring Locator instantly locates a democrat’s mistresses lost earring in any bed. Air, four-poster, canopy, bunk bed, etc. You name it and the JFK Lost Earring Locator will find it! This earring locator has the unique ability to locate a democrat’s mistresses earring before the maid or pissed-off wife finds it and goes to the National Inquirer with it.

-Bright Flashing Light makes it easy to find earring in the dark
-Soft whisper sound can only be heard by other bed-hopping democrats so there is absolutely no chance of a Republican finding out and squealing on you
-Hand-held remote control design is compact and durable
-Responds to distances of 1 million miles (Perfect for those bed-hopping democrats who want to take their mistresses on a vacation to a foreign country.)



(This gift item needs a drawing to accompany the text.)

The perfect sabotage gift!
Republicans, give this bullhorn to any Democrat and watch his or her career go directly down the toilet! This bullhorn has the unique ability to kill a Democrat’s career in a single shout! Encourage Democrats to use this bullhorn at libraries, day care centers or churches where it is totally inappropriate to be shouting like a damn fool!

Features Include:
-1000 Yard range
-26 Watts
-Handheld & Compact
-16 AA Batteries (Included)
-Powerful Siren & Wrist Strap
-Adjustable Volume Switches include “Idiot-Loud”, “Lunatic-Loud” or the most powerful volume switch of all, “We’re going to New Hampshire, Oklahoma, South Carolina then to Washington D.C. to take back the White House Yeeeeeaaaaaaaahhhhh-Loud!”

NOTE: A third of the profits made from the sale of this item will go to the Iowa Deaf
& Dazed Association, unofficial sponsor of Howard Dean’s 2004 Presidential Hush Money Campaign.

(This gift item needs a drawing to accompany the text.)

Set Includes:
-12 inch handweaved teapot
-12 hemp cups
-12 dandelion & lemon grass saucers
– 1 soy milk creamer bowl
– 1 honey-glazed sugar bowl
-12 biodegradable napkins
-12 pounds of herbal green tea

Show that stressed-out and filthy-rich oil executive that you really care. Surprise the hell out of him and give him The Green Party Tea Service Set today. Happily imagine him sipping on a nice warm cup of herbal green tea while looking out of his 31st floor executive office at a huge oil pump bring up millions of barrels of black gold, texas tea. Ahh, how soothing! The teapot effortlessly brews up to 100 cups of herbal green tea an hour making it the perfect Christmas party gift for executives at Chevron-Texaco, Exxon-Mobil or Conoco-Phillips.

(This gift item needs a drawing to accompany the text.)

Who says a Republican can’t be down with the homies?
Well yes he can!
Republicans wear this item over any three piece Brooks Brothers suit and watch as it instantly takes years off of your appearance making you look hip and off-the-chain as the kids say nowadays.
This item is the perfect gift for those Republicans trying to attract more minorities and youths to their campaigns!

-Extra large, large, medium, small and petite sizes
-Choose from red, black, white, blue, yellow, purple, brown, orange and pink colors
-Hood is water resistant and has a draw string
-Side pockets are durable and sturdy
-Made from 100% Cotton

Special Feature(s):
-Large Republican Red Elephant Symbol appears in the middle of the hoodie
-Gives any Republican instant street cred
-Gives any Republican the ability to rap or break dance too
-Gives police the right to arrest you for doing absolutely nothing at any time

(This gift item needs a drawing to accompany the text.)

A must have for the college bound Republican student!

-6 in x 9 1/2 in
-3 hole punched
-120 sheets
-Paper cut free design
-White color paper with an old money background

Special Features:
-This paper has the unique ability to decide the outcome of a Republican student’s assignments or grades thus taking the power out of his or her hands despite all the hardwork they may have put in!
-Provides a Republican student with bad grades a legitimate excuse to gain entrance into another ivy league college or university after flunking out of an ivy league college or university!

This item is perfect for the Republican student who plays squash, likes to party or is an average student like George W. Bush was.

(This gift item needs a drawing to accompany the text.)

Republicans, do you want to know the whole truth about the Clinton Presidency?
Well stop wondering about it and do something!
Buy the Bill Clinton Magic 8 Ball today! Imagine having your own personal porthole into the mind of the former president.
Finally, get the truth to those important question that you have been seeking like:
“Does Bill Clinton eat Pixy Stix before bedtime?”
“Does Hilary wear Bill’s boxers to senate meetings?”
“If Bill Clinton catches me reading his thoughts, will he come through this magic 8 ball and kick my ass?”

Features Include:
-Black and white color
-Round design
-Made from 100% Latex Rubber
-Unlucky number 8 on top of the ball
-Shoddy and unreliable craftsmanship
-“Don’t ask, Don’t tell” eight year administration warranty

Special Feature(s) Include:
-Small picture of Bill Clinton on the left side giving the finger to the buyer of the Bill Clinton Magic 8 Ball

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(This is a Christmas Day greeting card for lovers. It is a card that a man can give to that special lady in his life.)

When It Comes To The Kissing Snow, Don’t Fight It Baby!

It arrives a few days before Christmas Day,
And sometimes on the big day itself,
It’s different from other snow,
And baby, you’ll know it!

To put it simply, once the kissing snow of Christmas Day starts to fall upon you,

Lover’s delight!
Pure orgasmic dynomite!

Sensual visions instantly start to fill your head and loins,
“Come to me my sweet valentine, I want to put your delectable lips to mine!”

The rush of a fervent blush spreads like wildfire all over your body,
Passion containment is futile,
Don’t try to fight it baby!

Kissing you my sweet valentine is the only cure,
I adore, I want more, my desire for you soars!
Don’t fight it baby!

On this wondrous Christmas Day my sweet valentine, let the kissing snow of Christmas Day bewitch you body and soul,

So that I, your lover, can take complete possession of your lovely body and soul on this wondrous Christmas Night!


(Hey guys, consider giving this gift to go along with this greeting card–A package of Hershey’s chocolate kisses with a red ribbon tied around it, sexy lingerie from Victoria’s Secret or Target and a Kissable Kandle from Nawty Things in an assortment of flavors. Merry Christmas guys and I hope you get a lot of nookie along with all of those Christmas cookies!)

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Garbage Pickup Day Is……….
A Stray Dog’s Grocery Shopping Day!
Bon Appetit!
(Oh, i’m sorry little doggies! I meant “Bone” Appetit!)

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‘What started out as bumpy and hilly,’

‘Blossomed into a smooth unblemished path of luminous light,’

‘Standing in all of it’s grandiose splendor at the end of the path of illumination is the home of our creator and maker, The Lord God Almighty,’

‘His smile is breathtakingly beautiful as he rolls out the welcome mat for you,’

‘He then envelops you in a hug so full of love that your fear dissolves and you know that instantly everything will be okay because you have at long last arrived at your true home,’

“Welcome home angel!” God says happily to your beloved loved one that has had the privilege of passing on into this heavenly world, “Welcome home!”

A Message To The Family And Friends Of The Beloved Loved One Up In Heaven:

Rest your heart and mind. I’m okay! I’m with my creator and maker now. I know that things may seem bleak now but everything will be okay. Trust oh strong and beautiful one, in me and God. We both love you very much!


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Quote from hervilling, Dapper Dance of The Adventures of Shamrock Girl series, “I almost forgot, since I am here, I might as well run across the street and ask Shamrock Girl and Emeralda the Cat if they want to sign up for the dance contest.”

To read the comic book style short story in which this quote came from please click, Shamrock Girl & The Bomb Pop Popsicle Injury!

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It’s a well known fact that Thanksgiving and Christmas are the biggest times of the year for canned food donation and as a former domestic violence victim and homeless person myself, I feel that it is my duty and responsibility to share some of my extensive knowledge by giving anyone who reads this article valuable tips on donating canned food goods to domestic violence and homeless shelters during the holiday season or any other time of the damn year that are generally not listed in the average article. So let’s begin baby!

Tip Number 1:

When donating canned goods to domestic violence and homeless shelters ALWAYS try to give them DIRECTLY to the patrons themselves!

The reason why I personally recommend this method is that the staff members of the domestic violence or homeless shelter won’t have the opportunity to steal or take out the best canned goods and keep them for themselves or their families and give or leave the shitty canned goods for the patrons of the shelter.

As a former patron myself of many domestic violence and homeless shelters I have seen many bad things and this one is at the top of my list. I have seen many a staff member steal the patrons fucking blind so donators, watch out for these corrupt-ass cocksuckers!

Also, if you can, try bringing the canned goods at meal times, i.e. breakfast, lunch or dinner, when alot of the patrons will be around. And always ask if you can stay and watch the canned goods being given out with your own two eyes. And if you are a regular donator, always bring the canned goods on different days and times so that all of the patrons have an ample opportunity to get some of the canned goods that you bring and not the same people every time. Remember, the patrons of these shelters have regular work and school schedules and many other appointments and if you always bring the canned goods on the same day and at the same time alot of the other patrons will miss out and that’s not fair. So donators remember to mix it up baby!

Tip Number 2:

If you are a donator with a major “i’m better than you” attitude, big ol’ bug up their butt or are only donating the canned goods to a shelter so that it will look good on your tax form or you will look like a martyr to your family, friends, co-workers or fellow country club members, do the patrons of these domestic violence and homeless shelters a huge favor by keeping your stupid-ass at home and shoving the canned goods straight up your sorry fucking ass!

As a former domestic violence victim and homeless person, I can’t speak for everybody but I sure as hell can speak for myself and tell you that when I was in these shelters I would have rather starved myself fucking blind (and I often did) than take help from a stupid-ass idiotic motherfucker like the above mentioned people! But that’s just me personally.

This may not be a familiar fact with the general public so let me school some of you brothers and sisters out there by telling you that some domestic violence and homeless shelters are staffed with employees that are so cold-hearted, mean and so unhappy with their personal lives that their sole purpose for taking and remaining in their jobs at the domestic violence or homeless shelter is to solely bully, harrass and treat the patrons of these shelters like total fucking shit to even the score. So alot of patrons at domestic violence and homeless shelters have enough shit in their lives that they have to put up with without having to put up with the shit of a stupid-ass sorry-ass donator like the ones that I have mentioned above, so do them a favor and stay the fuck home and shove the canned goods straight up your sorry fucking ass!

I mean don’t get me wrong you don’t have to be a total fucking saint to donate canned goods to a domestic violence or homeless shelter but it also helps if you’re not a total fucking asshole either. But if you are a total fucking asshole who still wants to help a domestic violence or homeless shelter purely for your own selfish stupid-ass reasons do the right thing and go out and buy some gift cards to Walmart or other grocery stores and drop them into the mail this way the patrons won’t have to put up with your bullshit and they can buy whatever canned food goods that they want without your stupid ass around. Easy breezy! But be sure stupid-ass sorry-ass donators to ask the staff members of the shelter to mail or fax you some kind of proof like photos or signed agreements from the patrons that can be verified that the gift cards were actually GIVEN to the patrons and not pocketed by corrupt-ass immoral-ass staff members of the shelter.

Tip Number 3:

Don’t just donate canned goods from your home that you don’t like or have too much of and think automatically that the patrons of the shelters that you give them to will automatically eat them or be grateful for them.

Hey donator, just as you may not like the canned beets or succotash that has been sitting on your kitchen shelf for twelve years, the patrons also may not like that shit either. Catch my drift, moron?

Donators, always remember two things. One, that you ain’t god baby! We already have a god and a damn good one at that so why would we need a sorry-ass perpetratin’ motherfucker like you? Two, that you are not the only one with discriminating tastes when it comes to food. Let me send you back to school donator baby, domestic violence victims and homeless people have discriminating tastes too and ain’t just going to eat anything just like you! Remember, domestic violence victims and homeless people may be temporarily down on their luck donator baby but they have their pride too and don’t you forget it! The reason why I mention this is because it’s possible that one day donators you could find yourselves unfortunately in their position. There is a popular saying that we’re all just a couple of paychecks away from being homeless. And ask yourselves if you were homeless do you want some sorry-ass perpetratin’ motherfucker thinking that you should be kissing their ass for bringing you a couple of usually fucked up jacked up canned goods and treating your ass like you will eat anything and have to be grateful for the shit just because you are homeless. (Oh no, baby! Oh no!)

If you can donators, try to visit the shelter of your choice beforehand and ask if you can leave a flyer that can be hung up and ask the patrons to write down their favorite canned food goods. Give the patrons a few days to write down their choices then return to the shelter, pick up the flyer then either go out and buy the items or look around your kitchen or pantry then deliver them to the shelter. But ALWAYS make sure that the canned goods are given to the patrons ONLY not the staff.

Also donators, give some of your BEST canned goods to the shelter of your choice and also try to be ORIGINAL. For instance during the holiday season, there are only so many cans of turkey gravy and cranberry sauce that a patron can take. If you can, try to give something unique or in hot demand like a can of coffee or a can of smoked salmon. I know that those items may sound a bit extravagant but tis the season baby! Tis the season!

And donators try not to be total fucking cheapskates either! Remember, there is life and food outside of your goddamn kitchen! Go out and BUY some canned goods too. I mean you don’t have to be a billionaire like Bill Gates to buy a can of Dole Pineapple Slices or a can of Hormel Beef Chili. Remember donators to once again, mix it up and cough it up! Take some of those hard earned dead presidents out of your wallet and go out and buy some good shit for the patrons of domestic violence and homeless shelters! Remember to treat people as you yourself want to be treated! Amen, baby! Amen!

Tip Number 4:

If you are a donator who thinks that domestic violence victims are pathetic, weak-ass victims who should have never let a person knock them upside the head or you are a donator who thinks that homeless people are lazy-ass people who don’t want to work, then do the patrons of domestic violence and homeless shelters a big favor and go fuck yourself then educate yourself before you drop off one single can good to a domestic violence or homeless shelter!

One of the biggest stereotypes that domestic violence victims have to fight everyday literally is that they are pathetic and weak-ass because they “let” a person hit them and one of the biggest stereotypes that the homeless have to fight is that they are lazy-ass people that don’t want to work which in so many cases is totally untrue. Alot of these individuals at these shelters are the strongest, bravest and hardest working people to walk the earth! There are a myriad of reasons why a person can become homeless or a domestic violence victim. Some of them we may be familiar with and some of them we would never think of. Whatever the reason, don’t judge until you know the whole damn story!

So donators if you are a narrow-minded asshole who thinks in stereotypical terms when it comes to domestic violence victims and the homeless you might want to seriously consider educating yourself and get your shit together before donating a single canned good to a shelter because you just might come upon a very perceptive patron stressed to the damn max and with zero tolerance who may just end up kicking your ass for your stupidity. And it would be your own damn fault if they did! So donators, avoid this bullshit and educate yourself about domestic violence victims and the homeless before you donate!

My name is Tina “Knowledgeable” Peden and to all of you who have read this article, I really hope that these tips will help you out in your future canned food donations.

Happy holidays, have a wonderful thanksgiving, merry christmas and have a kick-ass new year!

Thank you!

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People I am going to be extremely frank with you. Taking a shit regularly is great! It’s healthy, it’s natural, and it’s so good for you! BUT, taking a shit right after you have just taken a shower is totally unacceptable! I mean it is a total fucking oxymoron! I mean, what’s the purpose of taking a shower when you have to take a shit directly afterwards! I mean that shit, pardon the pun, doesn’t make any sense! Let’s face it people, the ultimate purpose of taking a shower is to get CLEAN! I mean you spend all that time soaping the vagina, penis and hairy-ass-deodorant-encrusted armpits and getting every other body part smelling fresh and looking squeaky clean only to get everything DIRTY and stinky just a few minutes later! What the fuck? All that scrubbing, wiping, and washing all for NOTHING! Fuuuuuuuck! Shiiiiit!

So I say to you now people, we must revolt! People, we got to get our shit together! As the intelligent-ass human beings that we are we have to become the masters and mistresses of our own destiny! And in shit terms that means that we have to dictate to our bowels when the shit will come out, how much shit will come out, what color the shit will come out, and how smelly the shit will come out! People, we have to tell our shit that it can come out of our squeaky clean assholes, sure, but only after a respectable time period. And certainly not right after we have just taken a nice hot shower! No fucking way! People, we have to stand firm with our stools! We have to be hard with our stools! No more being loose with our fucking stools! After all our just newly cleaned assholes certainly deserve it!

And people, before I go I have one last announcement to make. I have just learned that 64 freshly cleaned assholes, 1001 shitty asshole and 1 Elvis Presley impersonator have just left the building! Thank you people, thankyaverrymuch!

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Alot of people say that I look like my big brother which always made me happy because I always wanted to be just like him when I grew up. In fact, I wanted to be like all of my brothers when I grew up. I got my wish in 1977. If I had only known what a double-edged sword that wish would be. Anyhoo, I became the first male solo artist to chart three consecutive Number One singles on the Billboard Hot 100 chart. A feat not even my brother’s accomplished. I was so happy! All of my dreams were finally coming true! My career was solid gold and quickly gained platinum momentum! The money was pouring in! Beautiful women were throwing themselves at me! I could do no wrong! I was hot!

But eventually what is hot usually turns cold. The constant pressures and excesses of success and living in the shadow (dancing) of my big brother’s began to consume me and I turned to drugs to help with the pain. Alot of people tried to help me get off drugs and turn my life around, but they failed. Not even the love of my life who was a Dallas beauty could help me. After she left me, that was one of the principal reasons it all went downhill from there for me. My records stopped selling, I was fired from a tv-show, I had to declare bankruptcy and my brief stint in rehab was unsuccessful. I was down but not knocked out. With nothing to lose, I decided to make an attempt to resurrect my career. Unfortunately, I would never get that chance because on March 10, 1988 I died from myocarditis at the very young age of 30. Even though my life was tragically cut short, I left behind some great songs that still make people shake their bootys on the dance floor even to this day. WHO THE HELL AM I?

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