(Santa is in his home office sitting at his desk. Santa quickly scans the instruction booklet then presses the “record” button on his new telephone answering machine and begins to record the following message for the kids who will call his new Santa Hotline. By the by, Santa’s broke-ass will be charging the kids $3.99 per call.)

Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas, Kids!”

“Can you believe it, Christmas is almost here!”

“We are all very busy in the North Pole. The elves are wrapping the presents, Mrs Claus is baking lots of Christmas cookies and mending my Santa Suit and I am cleaning the sleigh and helping Rudolph and the other reindeer practice their flying for the big day.”

“It won’t be long before I am high above the skies of your homes on Christmas Eve dropping presents to all you good boys and girls.”

“I hope all of you have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!”

“I love you all very much and I will see you soon!”


“And kids before I forget, don’t you forget to leave me a message telling me what gift you want for Christmas after the beep.”

(Santa presses the “stop” button on his new telephone answering machine because he has finished recording his holiday message to the kids on his new hotline but unbeknownst to Santa he has misread the instructions and was supposed to press the “stop” button TWICE on his new telephone answering machine to stop recording. Unfortunately for Santa but fortunate for everybody who reads this blog post his new telephone answering machine keeps on recording and in a short time all of the kids who call Santa’s Hotline will hear the following extended message too.)

(Santa lets out a loud breath of air then begins to talk to himself.)

“Whew! It sure feels good to get that shit over with!”

“Fuckin’ snot-nosed brats!”

“Now, I can kick back and relax in my Barca lounger with a cold brew and work on my New Year’s Resolutions while motormouth is in the kitchen baking Christmas cookies and fixing my Santa suit. Goddamn, that woman can talk! She never shuts the hell up!”

“At times like this, I wish to hell that I had never married her, but of course the bitch got pregnant so I had no choice!”

“Of course, no sooner than she gets the damn ring on her finger, she loses the baby so basically I married her sorry-ass for nothing!”

“Figures! I really wanted that kid!”

“Personal note to self: Cry like a baby later.”

“I’ll tell ya’ if it wasn’t for bad luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all!”

“Good ol’ St. Nick, my ass muthafucker!”

“Anyway…….Okay, Jolly ol’ St. Nick, stop it! You need to relax. For an hour or so, try to forget about that loud-ass motormouth bitch that you’re married to and focus on your New Year’s Resolutions for 2013.”

(Santa gets up from his desk then walks over to the mini-fridge in the corner of his office and takes out a six pack of Bud Light. He then walks over to the other side of his office where there is a Barca Lounger and a small table. Santa plunks the six pack of beer loudly down onto the table then throws himself happily down into his Barca Lounger. He reaches his right hand down into the Barca Lounger’s side pocket and pulls out a pen and a pad of paper.)

“Okay here we go, Santa’s New Year’s Resolutions for 2013.”

“Stop cheating on the wife with other “ho’s” which is one of the many perks of the job, thank god!” (“In my defense, if I don’t cheat how else am I gonna’ have the son or daughter that I so desperately want because that dumb-ass wife of mine is sterile.”)

“Personal note to self: Cry like a baby later and call ‘Samantha the Panther’ later for a late night booty call.”

“Stop stealing the “good” presents from under the Christmas trees then replacing them with totally “lame” gifts and laughing about it later.” (“In my defense, I can’t help it that i’m overworked and underpaid and don’t have the time or money to buy jack-shit!”)

“Get a faster “ride” like a Hummer because Rudolph and the other reindeer are just too damn slow! I’m a playa’ whose got things to do and places to go!”

“Once I get the Hummer, get some music that my car can bounce to like all those stoned rappers on MTV.”

“Exercise and eat right every day so that I can become a lean mean fighting machine! (Personal note to self: Tuesday, stay up until 3:00 a.m. so that I can catch one of those infomercials that sell the George Foreman Grill or order it off of his website at”

“Reward any weight loss with a couple of packages of Hostess Ho-Ho’s and a gallon of chocolate milk.”

“Change name to “Santy D” or “STD” to increase my street cred and hopefully get a guest spot d-jaying on MTV.”

“Be more politically correct by eliminating my trademark chant, “Ho! Ho! Ho!” Instead try to say, “Strong Confident Woman! Strong Confident Woman! Strong Confident Woman, except around Mrs. Claus who is nothing but a loud-ass-never-shuts-the-hell-up Ho, Ho, Ho!”

“Replace my red and white santa hat with a do-rag and my black boots with timberlands to further increase my street cred and hopefully get a guest spot d-jaying on MTV.”

(Unbeknownst to Santa, the disc is full and the “record” button on Santa’s new telephone answering machine clicks off.)

Humorous Christmas Gifts at


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