Since I am the biggest ice cream lover on the planet (My favorite flavor is butter pecan!), I thought the time was right to compose a spoof on the subject. So make a trip to Baskin Robbins or TCBY then sit down to read my story while enjoying your ice cream!

December 9, 2012

Des Moines, IA – Nineteen-year-old Mark Kennedy of Rite Aid Drug Store & Diner is on a crusade to get the job title, “Soda Jerk” banned from the American lexicon. According to Kennedy, it is an extremely derogatory and discriminatory job title. In an attempt to get the job title banned he has started several petitions, called President Barack Obama and put a big sign in the window at Rite Aid asking customers and staff members to stop using the job title “Soda Jerk.”

“I mean, just because a guy works at a soda fountain making ice cream sodas while dressed in a geeky button-down white shirt and big-ass bow tie doesn’t make him a jerk! The guys on Wall Street basically wear the same uniform as us but do you hear people calling them “Soda Jerks.” Hell no! So people should show us the same courtesy as they do the Wall Street guys and not refer to us as “Soda Jerks!” A red-faced Kennedy shouted while jabbing a spoon into a cherry chocolate ice cream soda. He then picked the glass up and walked two feet over to an elderly man and slammed it down on the counter not really giving a damn when half of it landed in the elderly man’s lap. “That’ll be $6.50.” Kennedy said to the elderly man.

“What a jerk!” The ice cream soda drenched elderly man mumbled under his breath.

“I mean us ice cream soda workers have feelings too! We hurt just as much as anybody else! Personally for me being called a “Soda Jerk” really hurts my feelings because nothing could be further from the truth! I am a nice, caring and compassionate guy!” Kennedy shouted while wiping down the counter then knocking food crumbs off the counter and into the eyes and onto the clothes of six customers sitting at the fountain counter.

“What a jerk!” All six customers said in unison.

Kennedy waved his hand dismissively at the customers and said, “Yeah, whatever.”

“A more appropriate job title would be “Soda Good Person” or since my job entails more than just making ice cream sodas, “Beverage Angel” would be nice as well.” Kennedy said dreamily while mopping the floor totally unaffected when he saw drops of the dirty mop water land in a female customer’s ice cream soda.

The disgusted woman stood up then walked over to Kennedy, the contaminated ice cream soda in her right hand, “Ya’ know what I think an appropriate job title for you would be?” she hissed through clenched teeth.

“What?” Kennedy asked quickly. Eager to hear a new job title.

“Soda Jerk-Off!” The disgusted woman screamed then proceeded to pour the dirty mop water ice cream soda over the head of Kennedy. After she was finished, she slammed the glass on the counter and stormed out of the drug store/diner.

“I wonder what got her so mad?” A totally confused Kennedy said to a four-year-old boy sitting in a high chair next to his Mother at the end of the counter as he toweled himself off.

The two-year-old boy turned to his Mother and said, “What a thurk!”

All of the customers & staff members of the Rite Aid Drug Store & Diner and the reporter of this story nodded their heads and said in unison. “What a thurk!”

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