Archive for April, 2012

TINA “KNOWLEDGEABLE” PEDEN’S A NOTEWORTHY ATTRIBUTE REVIEWS: THE NEVER HIRE HART PLUMBING & HEATING IN GREENLAND NEW HAMPSHIRE SONG!


This is an old Yelp review that I wrote.

Hart Plumbing & Heating
Riverside Dr
Greenland, NH 03840
(603) 431-8688
Category: Plumbing

A Noteworthy Attribute:
(Hart Plumbing & Heating)
Cost: I will not and never shall share! — Because I will surely perish if you let them step one stockinged foot into your precious lair!

* P.S. I just finished watching the kick-butt movie adaptations of Pride & Prejudice and Sense & Sensibility by master story teller, Jane Austen, hence my previous and future words in this review.

Anyhoo……….

Dearest Sir Yelpers and Lady Yelpettes, I hope that what I am about to tell you will be of no impertinence to you but as a loyal and amiable servant of Yelp who has recently acquired this business’ services on March 28th and April 24th of this calendar year, I strongly feel that I would be remiss in my duties as a fine and upstanding online citizen if I did not share my recent experiences with you because someday if you are ever living in the Dover New Hampshire area you might indeed need to engage the services of a plumbing & heating specialist and if this unfortunate time does ever come, for the love of what’s all good and decent, stay away from this business!

And as a consequence of my disgust and disappointment in Hart Plumbing & Heating’s services, I find myself with the unfortunate inability to express my thoughts with words in this review. Please, forgive me! And rest assured that I am and will always be your faithful devoted servant so instead of expressing my thoughts about Hart Plumbing & Heating in words I will do as the many bonny songwriters of the eighteenth century did, I will express my thoughts in song which are basically words anyway. So without further ado, may I present to you “The Never Hire Hart Plumbing & Heating In Greenland New Hampshire Song!”

“Call Hart Plumbing & Heating in Greenland New Hampshire at 603-431-8688,”

“For ineptitude, unprofessionalism, inconvenience and a long a*s wait,”

“Hey Robert C. Hart Jr., your company’s got some serious issues baby that I truly hate,”

“So get your shizit together before you lose more customers like me starting from this date,”

“To you this song, I lovingly, which is a total oxymoron in itself, wholeheartedly dedicate,”

“And remember just because time keeps slippin’, slippin’, slippin into the future doesn’t give your totally lame employees the right to be tardy and make your customers stew because for their important appointments they are really late,”

“That is really bad and unprofessional, a fatal and unforgiveable business trait,”

“Since you Robert C. Hart Jr. are ultimately responsible for the behaviour of your employees I hope your A+ rating at the Better Business Bureau suffers a most tarnished fate!”

P.S. Hence this online accurate Yelp review.

Jolly good day to all of you who have read this most unusual Yelp review!

And always remember that I am your most faithful and devoted servant!

P.S. Jane Austen totally rocks!

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I FINALLY HIT 10,000 VIEWS TODAY!


After over 8 months online, I am happy to say that The Adventures of Shamrock Girl & Friends, Etc. Blog has finally reached the 10,000 view benchmark!

Hooray!

And thanks to all of you out there online who stopped by to visit my blog and make this moment possible!

I really appreciate it!

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TINA “KNOWLEDGEABLE” PEDEN’S A NOTEWORTHY ATTRIBUTE REVIEWS: HAPPY EARTH DAY RUNNERS OF AMERICA! THIS ONE’S FOR YOU!


Hey runners, I wrote this review just for you!
To read the review please read on!

A Noteworthy Attribute:
(Runner’s Alley)
Cost: Varies–On how much your body carries!As singer, Manfred Mann of Manfred Mann’s Earth Band once famously sang in his 1984 hit song, Runner:Through the night
Through the dawn
Behind you another runner is born
Don’t look back
You’ve been there
Feel the mist as your breath hits the air

And it’s underneath the moonlight
Passing some
Still your heart beats in the moonlight
Like a drum

And you will run your time
A shooting star across the sky
And you will surely cross the line

But let me fill you in my dear review reading audience and Mr. Manfred Mann himself in on one important detail.  You may run your time and be a shooting star across the sky and perhaps even be the first to surely cross the finish line but honey you have absolutely no chance of doing it until you buy the proper running equipment from Runner’s Alley in Portsmouth New Hampshire! I’m sorry but that’s just a fact, baby!

This elite sporting good store for the most astute and discriminating runner who only believes in  using the best is jammed packed in a pleasant way with a myriad of items of such quality that even 1976 gold medal decathalon winner, Bruce Jenner would happily train in such as running shoes in all styles and sizes for men and their lovely ladies, clothing and sunglasses that any runner will be sure to look their absolute best in because to some individuals in the running community it’s not how good you actually run (Sacrilege!) it’s how good you look while you are running.

Runner’s Alley also has plenty of reflective gear for those late night David Letterman or Jay Leno watching runners and we mustn’t forget those runners who love the public eye and want the spotlight on them at all times, literally, Runner’s Alley also has plenty of reflective gear for them too!  And for those hard-headed and head strong runners who absolutely insist on finding their own way, Runner’s Alley has a brilliant array of GPS units just for them and a much much more for runners of all temperments!

But my favorite item at Runner’s Alley by far is their best item which is their wide array of fuelbelts!  And for those of you coach potatoes out there like me who have recently entered the fitness game, a fuelbelt is a fancy schmancy word for a water bottle that you wear around your waist while running safely secured on a belt.  Some fuelbelts have the capacity to only carry one water bottle while others have the capacity to carry multiple water bottles while you are running.  Cool beans!  Or should I say cool water!

And for a totally committed and dedicated runner, a fuelbelt is a vital and necessary tool which has many uses such as:

-If you decide to run the Boston Marathon you can wear a 2 bottle fuelbelt.  You can fill one bottle with water and use it to hydrate yourself throughout the 26 mile trek and you can fill the other one with champagne and use it to either celebrate your accomplishment or cry and whine about not being the first runner to cross the finish line.  It all just depends on whether you are a happy selfless person or a sore loser crybaby.

-Wearing a four bottle fuelbelt gives you the capability of massively soaking yourself from head to toe with water so that you can look like you really worked up a sweat during your run while passing a hot girl that you have been crushing on.

-Fuelbelts are excellent weapons against those pesky dogs that constantly pursue you during your morning runs.  Simply take your water bottle off of your belt and squirt a drop or two of water in a canine’s face and I guarantee that Fido will then move in the opposite direction.

-Fuelbelts are also an excellent diversionary tool.  For example, wear a three bottle fuelbelt to your spouse’s family reunion that you absolutely don’t want to attend then when nobody is looking take the water bottle filled with pop rocks candy and pour it into the water bottle filled with mountain dew soda and place it carefully on the ground a few feet away from your pesky in-laws and wait a few minutes for the explosion to occur then while everyone is distracted haul your buttocks out of there pronto! As you run merrily home, be sure to savor the taste of cool water from the last remaining water bottle on your fuelbelt.  Don’t forget to congratulate yourself for a job well done.

So now that you see the many wonderful uses of fuelbelts run, walk, skip or hop down to Runner’s Alley when you need the absolute best in all things running, walking, skipping and hopping!  I guarantee you won’t regret it!

And last but not least, I would like to propose a toast to all of you who do take my advice by going down to Runner’s Alley and buying some merchandise.  Here’s to your good judgment and to your good health!

Spandex-clad bottoms up to you!

And I also hope that your running shoes have a very Happy Earth Day not just today but everyday of the year!

P.S.    After you read the review please click on SURPRISE! for your surprise.

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TINA KNOWLEDGEABLE PEDEN’S DATING TIPS FOR MEN! (TIP 1) THIS ONE IS FOR MY NO NONSENSE BOYS!


Hey No Nonsense Guys, if during the course of your date the female that you are out with takes a bad spill due to the 10 inch stilleto heels that she is wearing, No Nonsense Guys do the right thing and help her ass up!

I know that this may be difficult for a No Nonsense Guy to do because your logical reasoning is that your female companion claimed previously to you before you asked her out on a date that she was a strong intelligent millenium woman and you feel strongly that you would be going against her wishes by helping her ass up because any strong intelligent millenium woman would have common sense enough to know not to step foot (pun intended) out of the damn house in a pair of 10 inch stilleto heels in the first damn place especially on a first date! I mean, what the fuck! What is this? The damn seventies! I mean, platform shoes are out baby girl!

No Nonsense Guys, I know that you think your female companion knew the damn risks when she put the 10 inch stilleto shoes on and her strong intelligent millenium ass knew damn well that it was more than probable during the course of the date that she would eventually either fall flat on her ass or face down kissin’ pavement thereby looking all stupid and shit in front of you and all of the other people in the establishment that you are a patron at. The shit was just fucking inevitable! So since she is a strong intelligent millenium woman she absolutely must take responsiblility for her own stupid-ass actions and she is also absolutely capable of scraping her own ass off of the floor and she absolutely doesn’t need you to help her do it being that she is a strong intelligent millenium woman.

No Nonsense Guys, I will concede that you have made several excellent points! I give you props for that HOWEVER no matter how much in your heart and soul that you think that it was entirely your date’s fault that she took a bad spill due to her own stupidity and she got exactly what she deserved by being totally stupid ass by wearing 10 inch stilleto heel shoes on your date, PLEASE GIVE HER A DAMN BREAK! (And to all of my 10 inch stilleto heel shoe wearing girls, no pun intended gurrrl, I really hope that you girls are okay and didn’t break any bones or anything!)

Anyhoo, movin’ on!

No Nonsense Guys, let me clue your rigid minds to the fact that your female companion only wore those stupid ass 10 inch stilleto shoes for your ass to entice you into noticing how sexy and beguiling her legs and feet are and how good those sexy legs and feet would look wrapped around your rigid-minded ass when you “do the nasty” later on so basically No Nonsense Guys by not helping your date’s ass up after she takes a bad spill in 10 inch stilleto heel shoes that she wore expressly for you, you are ruining your chances of “hittin’ that” or “gettin’ some” from your date later on which is incredibly stupid!

No Nonsense Guys, do the right and gentlemenly thing for your date, yourself and your penis by helping your date up after she falls on her ass or flat on her fucking face due to the 10 inch stilleto heel shoes that she was wearing for you.

Also give her another chance to prove to you that she truly is a strong intelligent millenium woman and not a total MO-ron for wearing 10 inch stilleto heel shoes on your date. (And by the by, I love the seventies and platform shoes! They totally rocked the boat and didn’t tip the boat or your date over! P.S. I love you Hues Corporation!)

Remember, No Nonsense Guys, your date is simply an innocent woman with stupid-ass retro judgment who simply wanted to look sexy for you on your date so that she could get into your pants later. No biggie! Please give her another chance!

But for all of my No Nonsense Guys who still are on the fence about whether to help your date’s ass up after she takes a bad spill due to the 10 inch stiletto heel shoes that she’s wearing because you don’t want to be an ENABLER! Dudes, get a damn life and get the fuck off of that high horse that you are on and you might also want to take that big-ass stick shoved up your ass too!

No Nonsense Guys, you are going to get some poontang later which is something most normal heterosexual guys want at the end of their dates! Especially on a first date! So stop being a total fucking MO-ron yourself and help your date up off of her ass or face when she takes a bad spill due to wearing 10 inch stiletto heel shoes on your date!

Geez!

Is chivalry truly dead in the millenium?

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(WELCOME TO TINA KNOWLEDGEABLE PEDEN’S A NOTEWORTHY ATTRIBUTE REVIEWS!) IF YOU EVER DECIDE TO TRAVEL THROUGH NEW ENGLAND, PRESCOTT PARK HAS THE BEST AMENITIES!


Hey fellow travelers and travelettes, if you ever decide to travel through New England, Prescott Park has the best amenities. To check them out, keep reading!

A Noteworthy Attribute:
(Prescott Park/Lavatory)
Cost:  Free — and in the Obama economy that sounds darn good to me!For most people who visit Prescott Park, their favorite thing is all the different varieties of beautiful and colorful flowers planted all over the park.

And for some people who visit Prescott Park who love fitness and exercise their favorite thing is to walk on the many paths in the park in a safe setting.

And for some homeless people who visit Prescott Park their favorite thing is the nice peaceful setting filled with many comfortable benches all over the park with some overlooking the exquisite flowers and some overlooking the sometimes disgustingly dirty Piscataqua River where they can eat and rest at for a long while after a long hard day of job hunting or slacking off due to being kicked out of Crossroads Homeless Shelter for the day.

And for some people who visit Prescott Park who are true romantics at heart their favorite thing is that on any given day they may come across a wedding so ethereal that they wonder if what they are really seeing is indeed real or they have fallen asleep and somehow been transported into some kind of wonderful fairy tale.

And for some people who visit Prescott Park who are very maternal and paternal their favorite thing is to see all of the different families in all shapes, sizes, colors and creeds picnicking all over the excellently manicured lawns of the park or see both heterosexual and homosexual parents alike scream things lovingly at their children like, “Don’t put that into your mouth because we can’t afford to have your stomach pumped at the hospital!” or “Where did that hickey come from, young lady, it wasn’t there 25 minutes ago!”

But screw all that crap, literally!

(Really loud snicker!)

Because for me, Tina “Knowledgeable” Peden, my personal favorite thing about Prescott Park borders on the unusual.  My favorite thing about Prescott Park is the women’s lavatory!  And here are it’s many amenities:

-Toilets with ultra-fast flushing speed that rival any driver racing at the Indianapolis 500 today.
-Rolls and rolls of strong and sturdy toilet paper guaranteed to last up against the most runny number 2 stools.
-Stalls so darn large that even triple crown winning horse Secretariat could easily take a dump in.
-A lavatory so airy due to the main door always being open that even the stinkiest piss or poop smells vanish within minutes.

So fellow travelers, if you ever find yourselves visiting Portsmouth New Hampshire and you suddenly have to take a serious dump due to all of the delicious seafood that you scarfed down at Jumpin’ Jay’s Fish Cafe and are unfortunately with your husband and gazillion kids and want to ditch them for a few hours so that you can let the excrement flow, then haul your butt and brood over pronto to  Prescott Park and “dump” them there so that they can enjoy the many amenities that the park has to offer while you enjoy my personal favorite amenity of Prescott Park, the Prescott Park Lavatory and poop until your heart and colon are completely content!

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RETRO PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION GEMS: HEY BARACK & MICHELLE OBAMA: FOR YOUR CAMPAIGN’S SAKE, SHUT YOUR YAPS!


This is a humor piece that I wrote for the 2008 Presidential Election back in April 2008 on Instablogs. So turn back the clocks and reminise!

Picture it! I’m using my best “valley girl” voice circa 1983.

Okay, like, Barack Obama said like the people in rural Pennsylvania are bitter and angry.

Which was like sooo totally lame!

But I like forgive him because he’s such a total hunk!

He’s so tubular! Omigod!

And his wife, Michelle like totally said for the first time in her adult life, she was proud of her country.

Which was like so grody to the max!

But I like totally forgive her because her husband is such a total hunk!

He’s so tubular! Omigod!

Okay, I have to stop this right now. I mean, I love the 80’s but it’s time to say goodbye to my “valley girl” voice and the 80’s and move on from this retro reminising.

Besides it’s giving me a headache! (Or it could be the Olivia Newton-John headband that I am wearing around my head that could be giving me the headache. But I digress.)

Anyhoo, before I say goodbye to the 80’s completely, (I love you Deborah Foreman and Nicholas Cage! You guys did an awesome job in the movie!) there is one thing that I have to say.

Hey Barack & Michelle Obama, shut your yaps!

I mean, haven’t you idiots learned anything?

When the hell will politicians and their boring wives learn that when you are running for president of the United States of America and want to be president of the United States of America basically you can’t say a damn thing, zip, nada!

You have to keep your damn mouth shut about everything!

Barack, you can ask your grocer, doctor or even your car salesman to talk for you but you have to keep your mouth shut or it’s career suicide!

Basically you’ll never win the election if you say something!

Let’s face it, whenever a politician opens his or her mouth they are absolutely guaranteed to offend somebody.

At this time, I would like to send a shout out to rural Pennsylvania! How ya’ll feelin’ today?

So here’s a little advice to any politician out there considering running for president of the United States of America, always remember that Americans don’t have thick skin, they don’t let bygones be bygones, they don’t believe in that bullshit–sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. Americans get pissed off over the littlest thing!

So Barack and Michelle, for your campaign’s sake, shut your yaps!

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RETRO PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION GEMS: WHY AM I THE LAST ONE TO KNOW THAT DICK CHENEY HAS HIS OWN OFFICIAL VICE PRESIDENTIAL DIGS?


This is a piece that I wrote back in May 2008 on Instablogs for the 2008 Presidential Election. So jump into the retro time machine and enjoy a gem from 2008!

Hey!

Am I the only person in the United States of America who didn’t know that there was a Vice Presidential Mansion?

I feel so dumb!

I feel so left out!

I’m really hurt!

To think that I had to hear about this interesting fact on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno while he was telling a joke!

How come they didn’t teach this stuff back in the 70’s when I was in elementary school!

Damn catholic schools!

Why am I always the last to know things!

Why couldn’t I have read it in a text book in school just like everybody else!

Why must I always be left out of the loop!

I’m really hurt!

In fact, i’m devastated!

I just hope I have the fortitude to finish writing this story.

(Okay Tina, enough of this pity party, you can do it! Channel your emotions and finish writing this story! Okay?)

(Okay!)

P.S. I was briefly talking to myself but that’s over with now and i’m talking to you.

Anyhoo back to the show!

I mean, I knew that the Vice President lived somewhere, I knew the guy wasn’t exactly homeless or anything but I never thought that he had his own OFFICIAL residence!

It just sounds so formal!

You go, boy!

No offense to the Veep an all, but for me, i’m mostly all about the President and think of our Vice President as an afterthought.

But this whole Vice Presidential mansion thing has me looking at this guy in a whole new light.

I feel kinda’ proud of the guy.

Go figure!

Hey!

For those of you out there like me who also didn’t know that the Veep had an official residence either here’s a little info.

His digs are called Number One Observatory Circle.

A weird name I first thought too until I found out that the joint was located on the grounds of the United States Naval Observatory in Washington D.C. hence the name.

Duh!

The house was built in 1893 and Vice President Walter Mondale was the first Veep to live in the house full-time and every Veep since then has lived at Number One Observatory Circle.

Cool beans!

Gee whiz, why am I always the last person to know about things!

I just hope that there’s nothing else about the Veep that I don’t know.

If Dick Cheney has an Air Force 2 airplane or a tacky intern mistress ala’ Monica Lewinsky that everybody else knows about but me, i’m going to be totally pissed!

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(WELCOME TO TINA KNOWLEDGEABLE PEDEN’S A NOTEWORTHY ATTRIBUTE REVIEWS!) HEY RAPPERS: CHAP’S HAS THE BEST GRILLE IN NEW HAVEN CONNECTICUT!


Hey foodies, culinary masters and all of the rest of you with the wander lust bug out there, are you think about doing a little traveling soon in your big-ass Winnebago with the space age George Jetson kitchen?

If so, take a break from grilling the porterhouse steak
and check out a little ol’ restaurant in New Haven Connecticut
that even the most discerning cowboy dines at!

To learn more about Chap’s Grille, read on………..

A Noteworthy Attribute:
(Chap’s Grille/Buffalo Chicken Tender Wrap)
Cost: $6.25 to chow down in Yale University’s hometown!
No matter whether you are a successful hardcore rapper who can wear their gravity-defying ten thousand dollar pants hanging off their butt cheeks without being arrested for indecent exposure, your vintage New York Yankees baseball cap turned to the back which is just plain sacrilege right there or your grille (which is urban slang for teeth jewelry) decked out in the most expensive gold, silver and diamonds that money can buy, let me tell you something, there are some things in life no matter how successful or badly dressed you are that just can’t be beat! And speaking of beats, let me bust a rhyme for you and it goes a little something like this:”Yo baby, yo baby, you baby, yo!”
“Your  is GRILLE whacked!”
“Cause’ when it comes to the Buffalo Chicken Tender Wrap that they serve at Chap’s GRILLE in New Haven Connecticut, that baby is deliciously packed!”
“Goodbye, son!”
“Chap’s Grille is number one!”
“Hey fool, stay in school, cause’ you just got sacked!”
“With the Buffalo Chicken Tender Wrap on Chap’s Grille menu they will never be beat!”
“Anybody crazy enough to challenge them, simply accept defeat!”
“Cause’ Chap’s Grille got it goin’ on, they are so neat!”So to all of you foodies and wander lusters out there it’s now time for ya’ll to recognize and get wise when it comes to Chap’s Grille ultimate prize!  And here we go!When you first lay your eyes on Chap’s Grille ultra-popular Buffalo Chicken Tender Wrap the first thought that immediately pops into your head is, “Jack it to Jesus! Jack it to Jesus!”  And that’s exactly what those heavenly staff angels at Chap’s Grille do when they make these wraps they “Jack em’ to Jesus” with:-Chicken so spicy that if eaten by a couple with a totally boring sex life it will instantly turn that atrocity five alarm chili red hot and have them both screaming simultaneously “Chap’s Grille” upon reaching orgasm!

-Chicken so darn tender that it practically glides down your throat very much like phlegm does when you are desperately trying to cough it up and spit it out!  (P.S.  Some of you out there reading this review may question my judgment in mentioning the word “phlegm” in close proximity to the Buffalo Chicken Tender Wrap but again let me school all of you grossed out babies, like the rapper 50 Cent is bulletproof (the guy has been shot 9 times) the Buffalo Chicken Tender Wrap at Chap’s Grille is nasty snot phlegm proof!)

-Blue Cheese Dressing so robust that it makes the hit AMC tv show, Mad Men’s Joan Holloway Harris (played seductively by actress Christina Hendricks) look flat which is a feat in itself! (I mean, have you seen this chick!)

-And Greens so crisp that people and gophers from miles away are constantly calling you to tell you to shut the heck up!

So fellow foodies, wander lusters and successful but badly dressed rappers if you ever find yourselves traveling in New Haven Connecticut, I urge you to do as the Yalies do!  Take $6.25 out of your trust fund and invest in a Buffalo Chicken Tender Wrap from Chap’s Grille!  Trust me, it will be one of the best non tax deductable investments that you will ever make in your argyle footed life!

Go Yale University and Chap’s Grille!

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(WELCOME TO TINA KNOWLEDGEABLE PEDEN’S A NOTEWORTHY ATTRIBUTE REVIEWS!) IF YOU ARE THINKING ABOUT TAKING A TRIP TO PORTSMOUTH NEW HAMPSHIRE, YOU ABSOLUTELY MUST DO THIS!


Hey fellow travelers!
Are you thinking about taking a trip to the seacoast?
Is Portsmouth New Hampshire one of your stops?
If so, you must absolutely do this…..

A Noteworthy Attribute:
(40 Pease Tradeport/41 Lafayette Road Trolleys)
Cost: 50 cents on the trolley to ride–not paraglide!

On some of the trolleys, the cords that you pull on to signal the bus driver that you want to get off at the next bus stop actually work but more often DON’T so basically you are forced to call or yell out (especially if you are sitting in the back of the trolley) something along the lines of “Next stop!”, “Bus driver, can you please let me off at the next bus stop!” or “I’m an out-of-towner, get me out of here!”

Since Portsmouth New Hampshire is a very popular seacoast town you get a very diverse set of passengers that ride the Pease and Lafayette Trolleys which is a definite plus!  So be sure to bring along either a microcassette recorder, a big ol’ Brady Bunch style tape recorder like the one that Peter used to spy on his brothers and sisters in one of the classic Brady Bunch episodes or use the “record” feature on your high tech cellphone to capture the myriad of voices including three sheets to the wind ultra slurred voices, slick get me to the bedroom quick Barry White voices and irritating lispy voices.  (At this time I would like to send a great big shout out to the youngest Brady, Cindy Brady and her extremely irritating lispy voice!  What’s up girl! I love the show even though it was a bit corny at times!)

So if you are a person who enjoys public speaking or wants to be a professional voice actor or auctioneer it is an absolute must while you are in Portsmouth New Hampshire that you take a ride on either the Pease or Lafayette Trolleys so that you can perfect your craft!  Exercise those vocal cords the Portsmouth New Hampshire way by telling the bus driver to let you off at the next stop!  Also, be sure to be creative and try to think of unique ways to let the bus driver know that you want to get off the bus!  Fellow travelers, you are smart!  Use your noggin and a thesaurus!

Warning:  Riding on the Pease and Lafayette Trolleys are not for the meek or timid!  In these instances stick to the many Portsmouth cabs.

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TALKING ALOUD TO YOURSELF WHEN YOU’RE A WRITER IS NOT CRAZY, IT’S REQUIRED! AFTER ALL, WE’RE MODERN DAY LITERARY OUTLAWS!


Every week I take a trip out to the local Family Dollar Store to get a few items. From my home to the Family Dollar Store it is approximately a 15 minute walk. This past weekend I made my usual trip. Usually everything goes off without a hitch but not this time. You see on my 15 minute walks to and from Family Dollar I like to use the time to do some mental writing which usually entails coming up with something new to write about and post on my online blogs.

As I was walking home from Family Dollar and doing some thinking all of a sudden I came up with a clever line that one of my children’s story character’s could say. And as I so often do, I said the line outloud in the voice that I have imagined my children’s story character would talk in.

I was momentarily startled when out of nowhere a voice says, “Omigod!” When I turned around in the direction the voice had come from I was surprised to see a little old caucasian lady walking a few steps behind me tugging a small cart filled with groceries. My first thought was “Where the hell did this bitch come from?” since I usually have supersonic hearing and can tell instantly when someone comes up or walks behind me. However, I also know that sometimes when I really get into my mental writing I am literally transported into that world and am totally oblivious to everything around me. Basically, I don’t hear jack shit and this of course was one of those times.

After a few awkward seconds of eye contact with the little old caucasian lady I noticed in addition to tugging her small-ass cart of groceries she was also looking at me like I was totally crazy. Her expression was so comical that when I turned back around I immediately began laughing which the little old caucasian lady obviously heard with her only being steps behind because this time I hear her say, “Crazy kids!” quite loudly. As you can imagine this made me laugh even harder. A few seconds later, we both came to an intersection which I crossed and she made a right turn onto another street.

A few moments later as I was still thinking about my brief unusual encounter with the little old caucasian lady with a big ol’ smile on my face again I was momentarily surprised and I knew why. You see a couple of times in my life people from family members to friends to co-workers to total strangers have heard me talking aloud to myself and like most people I get a little embarrassed but not this time and again I knew the reason why.

Even though I was talking aloud to myself, I was working. I was mental writing and to me that’s legitimate work. And that’s just one of the many things that us writers do, we use our imaginations to picture what the characters in our stories will look like, how they will dress, their mannerisms, how they will talk and so much more. So technically I was only doing what was required of me. Something every writer does so there was absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about. I didn’t do anything wrong or strange although the little old caucasian lady seemed to think that I did.

In her eyes I wasn’t conforming to the usual rules of society which dictate that you don’t talk aloud to yourself in a public place. But who cares! I was on Saturday, April 7th and will be for the rest of my life proud of myself for laughing off the little old caucasian lady’s negative comments. So little old caucasian lady who was walking behind me on Saturday afternoon I just want to say that “I’m not crazy!” It just so happens that talking aloud to yourself when you’re a writer is not crazy but required because it is a vital part of the job! So take that, honey!

P.S. Writers all over the world and Elvis have left the building with their heads held high and we don’t care what other people say about us when we talk aloud to ourselves while we are working! After all, we’re modern day literary outlaws! We don’t conform, we change the world with our words and there ain’t no way in hell we’ll do the norm! So take that little old caucausian lady and all of you other haters out there! We writers, rule the world!

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TINA KNOWLEDGEABLE PEDEN’S DATING TIPS FOR WOMEN! (TIP 1) THIS ONE IS FOR MY GIRLS!


Hey Junk Food Junkie Gals, let me give you a tip.

DON’T CHANGE YOUR EATING HABITS RIGHT BEFORE YOU GO OUT ON A DATE!

JFJ Gals, your date ain’t gonna’ be able to handle it and your stomach damn well ain’t gonna’ be able to handle this shit either! Literally!

Girl let me school ya’!

Your stomach is used to all of that beautiful artery clogging grease due to all of those thick-ass, stacked-ass double cheeseburgers with all of the fixins that you have been wolfin’ down and all of those long-ass salty-ass french fries drenched with catsup that you have been scarfin’ up and all of those golden brown fried twinkies loaded with so many damn preservatives that if you left the bitch for 100 years and came back, the damn twinkie would still be edible, that your gluttonous ass has been gobblin’ up!

Girl, that’s the shit that your stomach is used to! So Girl, don’t be goin’ and committin’ suicide all up on your date! Girl, let me tell ya’ that your date ain’t gonna’ like it, the police ain’t gonna’ like it, the paramedics ain’t gonna’ like it and your family and friends sure as hell ain’t gonna’ like being inconvenienced and having to dole out mad cash simply because your stupid-ass got herself killed by deciding to turn over a new health food leaf on your date! Girl, wake the fuck up! So Girl, quit it! But in your case, don’t begin it!

Girl, if your dumb junk food junkie ass wants to turn over a new health food leaf, choose a different appropriate time like a week or two before you have your annual physical examination at the doctor’s office! Girl, that’s the perfect time for your junk food eatin’ ass!

BUT and I mean a big-ass BUT, for all of my stubborn-ass Junk Food Junkie Gals absolutely determined to turn over a new health food leaf on their date then your dumb-ass had better come prepared! Girl, let me give you some more advice and I pray to God you’ll take it this time. For God’s sake, go to the nearest Walmart before you go on your date and stock up on these supplies.

A big-ass can of air freshner due to all of the fartin’ and shittin’ you’ll be doing all up in the bathroom, a tin of altoid mints due to your nasty stinky breath from all of the upchuckin’ that you’ll be doing all up in the bathroom, a couple packages of tums antacid due to all of the upchuckin’ you’ll be doing all up in the bathroom, an extra pair of drawers due to soiling yourself from all of the fartin’ and shittin’ that you’ll be doing all up in the bathroom, a “Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego Detective Kit” for your date so that he can find you and determine if you simply deserted his ass or your shits really take that long, some boxing gloves so that you can protect yourself from all of the punches and bitch-slaps that you’ll be receiving from the establishment’s staff for stinkin’ up their bathroom and cloggin’ up their toilet and last but not least a first aid kit so that you can patch yourself up from all of the punches and bitch-slaps that you received due to all of the fartin’, shittin’, upchuckin’ and toilet cloggin’ that you did all up in that establishment’s bathroom.

Girl, be prepared for World War 3 if you decide to change your eating habits right before you go out on a date!

And don’t say, my girl, Tina Knowledgeable Peden didn’t warn you!

Because I did!

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