Archive for July, 2012


I can’t remember what exactly triggered the memory but as I was doing the dishes two days ago, I thought of something that I haven’t for a long time.

About ten years ago when I had delusions of stand up comedic grandeur I went to a talent agency in Omaha. At that time folks I was living in Des Moines Iowa and Omaha Nebraska back then to me was the Los Angeles California of the Midwest.

Anyhoo when I went to this talent agency in Omaha that I immediately noticed was run by a lack luster Richard Belzer knockoff instead of this clone asking me important comedian things like for instance to deliver a short monologue or if I had racked up any stage time all this idiot seemed to harp on about was that I was not wearing any makeup and if the truth be told I was totally shocked! And as you probably can surmise, I kicked this sorry-ass loser to the curb along with the rest of the garbage. And I also abandoned all thoughts of being a professional stand up comedian opting instead to be a writer who specializes in comedy writing.

And to make a long story short, I hope, over the past two days this incident that happened so long ago has gotten me to thinking about the big “M” issue and for those committment phobic guys who weren’t paying attention in the previous three paragraphs of this blog post, don’t get scared and run away because when I refer to the big “M” issue I am not talking about marriage but rather something just as important to the female society of America and that issue is makeup. And more specifically, whether to wear it or not to wear it.

In my case I choose not to wear makeup and it still surprises me that even today some people think that this is a serious crime. I mean no where in the American female handbook says that to be a real woman you have to wear makeup.

In regards to performing on the stage or on film I of course know that wearing makeup can help a person to look their absolute best, transform them into a different person or bolster their self esteem. But in my case and alot of other women’s cases these things simply doesn’t apply. In fact it is the total opposite for me. Wearing makeup totally lowers my self confidence because I am constantly worried about how long it will take the makeup to run and look streaky due to my extremely oily and blemish prone skin. And that is the primary reason why I have kicked makeup to the curb along with the rest of the garbage.

Even though it was absolutely none of the lack luster Richard Belzer knockoff talent agency owner’s business why I was not wearing makeup all of these years later I deeply regret not showing some backbone by telling him the reason why I was not wearing makeup plus I also regret not telling him a few other things as well, such as…………..

Does makeup have some special magical powers that I don’t know about such as delivering a perfect monologue for you on stage?

Will makeup protect your feelings and pride from cruel insults from hecklers?

Will makeup itself turn you into a superstar comedian like Richard Pryor or Jerry Seinfeld?

And folks, we all know the answers to these questions. I’m just hoping that the lack luster Richard Belzer knockoff talent agency owner in Omaha will some day know it too and focus on more important things from potential clients like talent and skill and not superficial things like whether or not a person is wearing makeup.

You know folks, saying your peace really can make you feel a whole lot better even after ten years.

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Putting all tampons and jock straps aside, in all fairness……….

The guy should pay for the first date.

The gal should pay for the second date.

The guy and the gal should both go halfsies and pay for the third date.

And that good for nothing president of ours should pay for the rest of the dates.

(After all, it’s only fair and equals out in the cutting necessary social services programs and not receiving a decent cost of living increase in years Obama economy.)

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(Definition) A State Of The Union Address Bug Up The Ass is literally a nasty-ass fungus or infection that goes straight up into your butthole and eventually settles itself in your brain and drives you absolutely bonkers once a year due to your favorite tv show, movie, commercial, video or infommercial being preempted by the President’s Stupid Ol’ Annual State Of The Union Address because like the subject trigonometry that you learn in high school the information in the President’s Annual State Of The Union Address is something that most Americans will never use and this major inconvenience really pisses alot of Americans the fuck off.

I will now use this phrase in a sentence to clarify its meaning.

“Dude, stay the fuck away from Constance for the rest of the day because she’s not only got a major case of Baby Fever but she’s also got a wicked nasty State Of The Union Address Bug Up The Ass! Dude, you know how much her totally obsessed ass worships those Johnson’s Baby Shampoo commercials. Dude, if you know what’s good for you, you’ll stay the fuck away from her!”

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Picture this scenerio from a random conversation from co-workers Lucy and John during lunchtime on July 2nd.

(A visibly upset Lucy says to her co-worker, John vehemently.)

Lucy: “Oh, John! I can’t wait for Independence Day to be over! If the truth be told, it’s my least favorite holiday of the year! Dratted holiday!”

(A now beet red John suddenly bursts fourth, oh I mean, forth with these words.)

John: “Damn, Lucy! I didn’t know that I was eating lunch with a traitor! Shame on you, gal! In my opinion, any person who doesn’t like the Fourth of July Holiday is not worthy enough to call themselves an American! I personally love this country and Independence Day! Shame on you Lucy, you damn traitor!”

(John then savagely throws the half-eaten contents of his lunch into his lunch bag and storms angrily away. Lucy in absolute shock just sits in her chair totally frozen and totally hurt by John’s harsh and judgmental words. A couple minutes later, Lucy starts to come around and when she does her blood instantly starts to boil because not only does a person she considers to be a friend doesn’t have the decency to give her a chance to explain why she dislikes Independence Day but he also has the audacity to question her loyalty to her country by calling her a traitor.)

Now folks if you give me a chance, I will tell you what Lucy didn’t get to tell John.

When Lucy told John that the Fourth of July Holiday was her least favorite holiday by no means did she mean that she hated what that important day stood for which is obviously the conclusion that John jumped to. Nor did Lucy intentionally mean to sound so dismal about the upcoming Independence Day Holiday it’s just that her nerves were severely frazzled and her words ended up coming out the wrong way. Let me explain.

You see folks, every year in Lucy’s neighborhood at least 2 weeks before the Fourth of July Holiday the young people in her neighborhood set off firecrackers and cherry bombs at all hours of the day until 11:00 pm which is when their parents finally lay down the law and inform their children that there are many people in their neighborhood who need some peace and quiet because they have to get up early in the morning to go to work and also that the eleven o’clock news is on and after a hard day they would like to be able to sit down and watch the broadcast in peace. And to add fuel to the fire to Lucy’s dilemma basically after the end of the Independence Day Holiday the young people in her neighborhood still continue to set off firecrackers and cherry bombs for at least another month afterwards. Unfortunately with Lucy being a person who doesn’t like loud noises especially sudden and continuous loud noises as you can imagine the Fourth of July Holiday is an absolute nightmare for her. The constant jumping at every firecracker and cherry bomb is not only irritating but mentally trying for her. And the anticipation of wondering when the next firecracker or cherry bomb will go off isn’t exactly easy to deal with either.

Folks, Lucy loves her neighborhood because it contains good people, is close to her relatives who live near by, is reasonable priced, is in a good area and is a short commute to downtown where she is employed so moving out of the neighborhood is not an option. So every July and August, Lucy carries earplugs and her ipod with her everywhere she goes just in case a firecracker or cherry bomb is set off while she is out and about and when she’s at home she turns the volume of the tv or radio a little louder just in case as well.

So folks you could say that Lucy is doing everything she can to accommodate the Fourth of July Holiday. Folks I ain’t gonna’ lie and tell you that Lucy is perfect because she’s not. Every once in a while she will whine about Independence Day but most of the time she keeps her mouth shut because she knows that the world doesn’t revolve around her. Although she personally doesn’t like the holiday she knows that alot of other people do and she doesn’t want to ruin it for them by being a Debbie Downer which is one of the primary reasons why she tries to stay silent.

If Lucy could have her way she would make it that only a person could see the beautiful fireworks on the Fourth of July and not hear them. She would also do away with all firecrackers and cherry bombs and keep only sparklers. But Lucy knows that is only a pipe dream that firecracker and cherry bomb manufacturers would never allow. And that is exactly what Lucy would have told John if he had given her a chance to explain.

And that is not the only thing that Lucy would have told John either. She would have also added that there is no law that states to be an American you have to like Independence Day. There are many Americans all over the world who tell people every day that they don’t like Halloween, Mother’s Day or Christmas and they are usually not called traitors but unfortunately when it comes to the Fourth of July Holiday there is a double standard which is not fair.

There are many Americans in the world like Lucy who love the land of the free just as much as all of the John’s in the world and what that beautiful day stood for but may not like the Independence Day Holiday itself for one reason or the other. And in Lucy’s case, it’s the loud noise of the Fourth of July Holiday which unfortunately goes together. And thanks to firecracker and cherry bomb manufacturers and all of the money that they make from the now over commercialized Independence Day Holiday they will forever go together. Till death do them part, baby! Unfortunately for Lucy, money talks and sensitive eardrums walk.

Anyhoo, Lucy and Tina “Knowledgeable” Peden would like to wish everyone a very Happy and Safe Fourth of July Holiday no matter whether you like the holiday or not.

I ain’t judging you.

P.S.   I love you Declaration of Independence!  Sorry, Great Britain.


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