Recently on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno I saw an ad during his hilarious “Headlines” segment for an underwater cell phone and whether this item is fake or real ……

P.S.     In other words, folks, I didn’t feel like taking an extra couple of seconds like any decent Dan Brown-like DeVinci Code researching writer would have before I wrote this blog post to check out the cell phone’s realness or fakeness on Google. Hey folks, I ain’t gonna’ lie, even sometimes the great Tina Knowledgeable Peden gets lazy!

Anyhoo, back to the issue at hand AND computer keyboard.

In regards to an underwater cell phone, other than being an extremely useful tool to be utilized in an emergency situation to call for help in a hurricane or tsunami or to say a short fuck you to your lying cheating spouse just before your lungs fill up with eight tons of water due to a hurricane or tsunami, I think that the invention of the underwater cell phone is probably one of the worst ideas ever! But that’s just my opinion. But to be fair let me list a couple of reasons to back up my opinion. And here they are:

-Folks, I know that we all are very busy bees at some point in our lives with holidays like Christmas and everyday real life things like jobs and the kids but come the fuck on! If a drastic situation arises where you absolutely have to make a phone call while you are in some damn water it’s hard for a normal almost sane person like me to believe that you can’t simply drag your ass out of the damn water for a few microseconds to make the damn call? I mean unfuckingbelieveable!!!

-And folks, what if the damn underwater cell phone malfunctions and shorts out while you are in the damn water conversing on it! Can anybody say instant death by electrocution! I mean folks if you don’t care about your own sorry ass getting electrocuted while you are underwater then just take a couple of seconds to visualize a couple of dolphins or other precious sea life animals or mammals watching your nasty-ass body twitching around wildly in the beautiful-ass ocean as if you were doing one of the latest crazy-ass hip hop moves all the while involuntarily pissing up a storm in the precious sea life animal’s or mammal’s precious ocean front home! Folks, that’s not only damn nasty but damn rude! I mean come on folks, would you go over to a family member or friend’s house and start doing crazy-ass hip hop moves and pissing up a storm all over their house? Folks, we all know the answer to that question is a big-ass Molly Ringwald Sixteen Candles, “I don’t think so!” Always remember folks, that while you are scuba diving underwater anywhere in the world and taking in all of the precious sea life, the precious sea life is also taking your weird-ass face mask wet suit air tube wearing-ass in too. To put it simply folks, the precious sea life don’t want to see no electrocutions all up in their expensive-ass ocean front homes so take that electrocution shit somewhere else!

-And folks, what about those stupid-ass cell phone manufacturers that make the blood red looking backlight underwater cell phones that have the ability to attract every damn shark and piranha in a million mile radius? Trust me baby, you don’t want attention like that underwater! So folks, please say, “Hell no” to underwater cell phones!

Moving on!

-And folks, what if the underwater cell phone that you purchase doesn’t have a non-slip grip! I mean cell phones are slippery enough when wet when used while talking on them while you are also jogging or as a fun vibrating naughty picture taking sex toy but an underwater cell phone with no non-slip grip! Baby you can kiss that sucker 50,000 leagues under the sea goodbye!

-And speaking of taking photos and dumb-ass cell phone manufacturers, what about those entrepreneurial idiots who have the audacity to create a picture taking feature on the damn underwater cell phone? Guys, listen up! This feature is the biggest no pussy getting app in the world for you! Look guys, let me school you even further, humidity hair and bed head are bad enough on a woman’s I want to look good all of the damn time ego but guys can you imagine you and your gal fooling around in the swimming pool taking jello and nekkid photo shots of each other and guys you happen to get a pic of your gal underwater! Guys, can you say porcupine hair! (Folks, feel free to insert the scary-ass theme to the kick-ass horror movie, Psycho, which starred Anthony Perkins and Janet Leigh here.) Guys, if you want to live or get some future pussy from your gal, nobody on earth better see that photo ever! I said it before and i’ll say it again, underwater cell phones are a bad-ass idea! And guys, when I say the word, bad-ass, I don’t mean the word in the “good” way I mean the word in the “horrible” way!

-And last but certainly not least, what if your underwater cell phone has a music app and on a beautiful hot sunny day you decide to take a dip in the ocean to cool off and bring your underwater cell phone with you. Picture yourself gently floating in the ocean while a sweet melody serenades you when all of a sudden your favorite party song comes on and not being able to resist you turn the volume all the way up to full blast. For a minute and a half everything is great, everything is fine until you suddenly feel a tap on your right shoulder and when you turn in that direction you are shocked to see an extremely pissed off dolphin telling you in clear dolphin sign language- like signs to turn that shit down now and you tell the dolphin that you’re willing to compromise by turning the music down after the song is over in three minutes. The dolphin nods their head and retreats and for the next three minutes everything is good, everything is fine and true to your word after the song ends you do turn the music down to a reasonable volume but as soon as you do this you feel another tap on your right shoulder and again turn in that direction expecting to see the dolphin again, but not this time, this time you only see a big-ass suction cupped arm bearing down on you fast and when it makes contact with you it whacks you soundly upside the head three times. Folks, let me school you. When a dolphin, one of the gentlest creatures on earth tells you to turn some music down now, YOU TURN THE MUSIC DOWN IMMEDIATELY! There is no room for compromise! And if you don’t turn the music down immediately like the dolphin asked you, he or she will get one of their octopus friends to teach you one hell of a bitch slapping lesson! Folks, i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again one more time before I go, underwater cell phones are a terrible idea! And from a dolphin and octopus’ point of view, underwater cell phones totally suck! Pun intended.

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