Archive for February, 2013


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Last week in addition to checking out two books at the Dover Public Library I also checked out a couple of dvd’s too.  Yesterday night as the third consecutive winter snowstorm to hit on a Sunday was in full swing I decided to watch one of the dvd’s that I rented from the library.  I was in the mood for a light movie considering the serious snowstorm going on outside so I put in the movie, DodgeBall.

For the most part I thought that it was a decent comedy and a fun takeoff on dodgeball. BUT approximately twenty minutes before the movie ended I got an unexpected shock when then squeaky clean superstar athlete, Lance Armstrong shows up as himself and gives actor, Vince Vaughn‘s character, Peter LaFleur, an inspirational pep talk when Vaughn tells Armstrong that he’s decided to quit the dodgeball tournament. Below are some of Lance Armstrong’s encouraging words to Vince Vaughn from the movie:

“You know once I was thinking about quitting bicycling when I was diagnosed with brain, lung and testicular cancer all at the same time but with the love and support of my friends and family I got back on the bike and won the Tour DeFrance five times in a row and i’m sure that you have a good reason for quitting. So what are you dying from that’s keeping you from the tournament finals? Well, I guess if a person never quit when the going got tough they wouldn’t have anything to regret for the rest of their lives. Good luck to you, Peter, i’m sure your decision won’t haunt you forever.”

People, talk about awkward!

I was literally in my own home physically cringing at Lance Armstrong’s words because I feel so disappointed in him because I was such a big fan of his and ever since he came out on Oprah as a drug abusing cheater I have avoided all media regarding him so it was an extreme shock to see him in the movie, DodgeBall, the last place on earth that I would ever expect to see him.

And people, I also received a second shock after doing some long hard thinking later that night when coming to the conclusion that I probably wouldn’t have even rented the dvd if I had known that Lance Armstrong was going to be in it. And that kind of pissed me off because the other actors in the movie didn’t do anything wrong and illegal like Lance Armstrong and why should they have to suffer because of his mistakes. That’s not fair, that’s not right.

Jeez, what an awkward situation!

I mean some of those encouraging words that Lance was saying to Vince Vaughn in the movie back in 2004 actually had me gasping in disbelief because let’s face it, the probable reason for Lance Armstrong’s brain, lung and testicular cancer was from all of those illegal performance enhancing drugs he did to keep winning the Tour DeFrance.

And people when Lance Armstrong also said to Vince Vaughn in the movie, “I’m sure your decision won’t haunt you forever!” I almost lost it because that has been a constant question on my mind ever since Lance Armstrong finally came clean to Oprah. Does Lance really regret doping? Does he really regret all of the heartache that he caused his wonderful charity, Live Strong, his fans, his family, his friends? Was doping really worth it in the long run now that he has been permanently banned from the cycling world and so many people out there think that he’s trash not worthy enough to be picked up? How come when the going got tough for him why couldn’t he have done the right thing and not taken illegal performance enhancing drugs?

I’ll tell ya’ people, these thoughts were not what I would ever expect to be thinking after viewing a movie called, DodgeBall.

This awkward situation reminded me of a similar situation that happened several years ago. Unfortunately on that night I couldn’t sleep so I turned on the tv and started channel surfing to see if there was anything good on. I eventually landed on the movie, The Naked Gun only to quickly switch the channel a couple of minutes later when O.J. Simpson‘s mug came onto my boob tube for obvious reasons.

I said it before and i’ll say it again, awkward!

P.S. I hate awkward movie moments and fallen superstar athletes!

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Whip out a pair of granny panties or a thong on stage then put them on but stop when the panties or thong is just above the male comedian‘s knees.

Then I would like to see the male comedian whip out a big ol’ bulky ass sanitary napkin, tear off the adhesive strip and throw it at one of the male audience member’s forehead then fasten the sanitary napkin securely to the panties or thong. Then I would like to see the male comedian whip out a 20 oz bottle of Hawaiian Punch and pour that sucker directly into the sanitary napkin then throw the bottle to one of the ladies in the audience.

Then I would like to see the male comedian proudly pull the granny panties or thong up into the correct position over their rump and go out into the audience and walk around a bit while stopping periodically to hug some of the female audience members.

Hey, I would pay big money to see that!

And I would also give an additional monetary tip to the male comedian if they allowed me to get some pics with him while he is wearing the faux menstual period sanitary napkin as well.

Man, that would make me feel like a superior woman!

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Hey people looking for unique business opportunities, consider this shizit!

The next time that you see a photographer discreetly taking pictures of a couple casually strolling through a busy park seemingly like they don’t have a care in the world or see an individual dressed up like a stereotypical rockstar, i.e. fringed leather jacket, hot pants, faded t-shirt, shit-kicker boots, ray ban sunglasses topped off by a tacky-ass lavender hat with a giant pink feather stuck in it with a matching boa, in other words, dressed like a pimp . . .

P.S.    At this time I would like to send a shout out to Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler.

Anyhoo, back to the show!

. . . exiting a limousine at a very popular nightclub while a bunch of photographers snap away, be not only aware and prepared to laugh your ass off at the ridiculous fashion choices of Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler, pimps and faux rockstars in general but be afraid of something far more worse because all may not be as it appears.

(Insert your choice of scary music here!)

The reality is that you may have stumbled into one hell of a devious plot concocted by a total nincompoop and got played big time! For those of you out there wondering what the hell i’m talking about and wish that I would quit beating around the bush and just spit it out, give me a minute, will ya’? I’m trying to build some suspense here! For god’s sake, work with me! Anyhoo, oh impatient ones, here comes one hell of a loogie hawked up and coming your way! It has come to my attention that there are some total yahoos out there so desperate to get their 15 minutes of fame or live the life of a D-List celebrity for a night that they will actually pay a photographer to take pictures of them for a night paparazzi-style pretending like they are famous in hopes that people out on the street, the general public, will do some of the following things:

– Ask these imposters for their autograph.

– Offer these imposters the red carpet/V.I.P. treatment such as the “best table in the house”, free champagne, a fresh bowlful of pretzels that hasn’t been touched by a bunch of nasty-ass drunken patrons previously or at the bare minimum a free blow job/muff job.

– Have people take photos of these imposters out in public with their cell phones or cameras in hopes that they are either emailed to a newspaper or online magazine or posted on YouTube or people’s Facebook pages in order to get them some attention thus get the ball rolling on their D-List careers.

In essence, these wannabes will hire anybody be it a photographer, limo driver, bodyguard or proctologist to do whatever it takes to “get famous” or get their names and photos in print even if it means lying or giving up their self respect to do it. Omigod!

And folks you may think that actors, models and musicians new to the game would be the only ones stupid enough to hire a photographer, limo driver or bodyguard to help them pretend that they famous but surprisingly many washed up, past their prime hacks similar to Vanilla Ice have also been known to perpetrate this devious charade as well. And there has also been a startling rise in the number of regular people like housewives, lawyers, construction workers, teenagers, elderly, et cetera from all over the world doing this too.

But folks let me tell you that this really doesn’t surprise me all that much being that we all now live in a world of  “Regardless whether I have talent or not I hope that my video on YouTube goes viral so that I can get my 15 minutes of fame or seriously paid.”  That’s just how it is now and unfortunately folks there is nothing that we can do about it other than judge them or sit back and laugh at them which if the truth be told is not all that bad really.

So for any enterprising individuals out there reading this post, be smart and make some damn money honey off of a pathetic fame seeker wannabe by opening up your own photo taking, limo driving or body guarding business to the faux stars today! I mean it’s not like you will need alot of start up cash. The only things that you will really need are a limo, camera or a person who looks like they can kick ass, Craigslist ad and one pathetic fame seeker wannabe and with so many people out there desperate for fame any way that they can achieve it you’ll never run out of paying suckers, oh i’m sorry, I mean paying customers.

At this time I would like to send out one last shout out to everybody’s famous for absolutely nothing sex tape vixen extraordinaire, Kim Kardashian. Hey Kim, one day when your 15 minutes are up you might consider trying to regain your fame with the method that I have just been discussing in this post.

Peace, girl!

And I hope all of you out there have enjoyed this edition of how to get your 15 minutes of fame or get seriously paid the easy and pathetic way!  This is Tina “Knowledgeable” Peden saying good night and good luck!

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Hey folks, do yourselves a favor and watch out for Tripology which is a company that specializes in interactive travel referral service.  Basically what they do is try to connect travelers with  travel specialists online.

In my opinion they suck rancid piss through an ultra genital warty three millimeter penis.

Folks, if you are too damn lazy to arrange your own travel, for the love of god, do yourselves a favor and stay the hell away from these idiot cocksuckers!

Instead try Expedia, Travelocity or Trip Advisor who in my opinion are a whole lot better and don’t have such a lame-ass affiliate program like Tripology has!

My major problem with Tripology’s lame-ass affiliate program is that you send alot of clicks to their website with few conversions.  At least in my opinion.

So folks, you are thoroughly warned!

Stay away from these cocksuckers!

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Hey McDonalds, Wendy’s, Burger King and all of the rest of you greasy spoons out there in Americaland, I know that you are all wicked busy making your whoppers, shamrock shakes and chicken mcnuggets so i’m going to make this bad sex brief and give you my top three reasons why fast food joints like yourselves should let people without cars order food from the damn drive thru. And here we go!

Hey greasy spoons, show the world that you don’t allow discrimination of any kind all up and all outside of your joint!
(Hey McDonalds, just because a person has a car and can drive it through a restaurant drive thru and order tasty but relatively cheap-ass food doesn’t make them any better than a carless person. I mean, come on, you guys and girls ought to know better than that! And by not allowing people with no vehicles to not go through your drive thru you are basically saying that carless people are total trash who are not worthy to go through your precious drive thru and Mickey D’s that shit just ain’t right! I mean, should a hungry-ass person be made to suffer just because they don’t have an automobile for valid reasons like poverty or vehicular homicide! Hell no! I’ll tell ya’ Mickey D’s if the great automobile pioneer, Henry Ford himself were alive, i’d bet you a dollar or a chocolate sundae on your dollar menu that he’d bitch slap your face for your current discriminatory behavior! So McDonald’s and all of you other 90% greasy spoon/10% totally lame healthy menu choice restaurants out there, stop the car discrimination madness and let a carless joe or jane order a damn quarter pounder with or without cheese in your precious drive thru!)

Moving on!

Hey greasy spoons, show the world that you have good common sense!
(Hey Burger King, what the fuck? And I am specifically saying “what the fuck” to all of those Burger King executives out there who think that people who don’t have cars and get into the drive thru lane to order food are only interested in robbing the place. NEWS FUCKING FLASH! Burger King executives, I know that it is hard for you to believe but a person in a car can just as easily rob a Burger King from the drive thru too! And you know what, they have an even higher escape rate than a person robbing the joint on foot! So Burger King, how do you like them onion rings? Burger King, for the love of god, just let carless people order food through the damn drive thru and stop the car discrimination madness!)

And last but not least, I have my final reason.

Hey greasy spoons, show the world that you support originality and exercise!
(Hey Wendy’s, just because a person enters a drive thru to order food without a car doesn’t make them crazy or weird in most people’s eyes, in some people’s eyes it makes them original, unique, rebels, risk takers, bold, outside of the box thinkers! Hey, look at James Dean! And there are some people like me who really applaud carless people who want to order food from the drive thru because it shows that they are some what into fitness. And that is so important these days! I mean basically these people are thinking some what about their health by at least taking a quick walk or getting a little exercise in before woofing down their high calorie artery clogging meal. I mean that’s something at least! They’re totally compromising halfway down the middle on doing the right thing and I even think Dave Thomas, the founder of Wendy’s who had a big-ass gut would agree that that takes some guts! Not big-ass abdominal guts like Dave but courage type guts like Clark Kent/Superman!)

P.S. Carless people have rights too and deserve the chance to go through the drive thru!

(Hey, that rhymes! Cool!)

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