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With the new movie, Spring Breakers, out starring former Disney stars, Selena Gomez and Vanessa Hudgens combined with the fact that some college students were out last week and some college students are out this week for Spring Break 2013 furthermore combined with my regular viewing of porno videos on one of my favorite porn sites, Slutload, I have begun to do some semi-serious thinking and have a question to ask in particular to college boys pledging fraternities and that question is . . . . . .

Dudes, is it really worth it for a straight guy to suck the dick of a senior fraternity member, another pledge or a paid stripper during the initiation/hazing process while a bunch of the other nasty-ass senior fraternity members voyeuristically look on while at the same time filming it just to get into a fraternity? (And this also applies to gay men pledging a fraternity as well as girls pledging sororities too.)

Dudes, if only mom and dad and your pastor could see your naked nasty-asses now!

Dudes, I know that to some young men getting into a fraternity is a very important things especially if a legacy is involved but in my unsolicited opinion you shouldn’t have to suck dick to get into a fucking fraternity.

Call me crazy pledges but what about those crazy fraternity hazing days of the past that consisted of drinking contests, wooden paddle ass spanking like they did to Kevin Bacon’s sweet firm ass in the classic fraternity film, Animal House. I mean whatever happened to senior frat members making pledges do stupid-ass and sexist-ass things like ranking a woman’s hotness online or making pledges do illegal things like stealing a rival college’s mascot or a big ass box of condoms from the drugstore? Whatever happened to making pledges do degrading-ass shit like wearing women’s clothing or carrying around barnyard animals for a whole week? I mean, where did all that acceptable fraternity hazing shit go?

I’ll tell ya’ dudes, having to suck another man’s dick just to get into a fraternity is just wrong and goes way over the line!

Pledges, I know that you are 18 and over and therefore old enough to make your own decisions but for the love of god have some self-respect for yourself and the next person that you have sex with!

So to all of you future college boys out there thinking about pledging a fraternity one day where you will most likely be asked to suck a dick during the initiation process, let me school you guys by giving you a couple of reasons why this is not a good idea! And here we go!

Reason 1:
Although the senior frat members tell the pledges that what happens in the frat stays in the frat, this is not always the case. Dudes, you wouldn’t believe the astronomical number of college hazing porn videos floating out there on the internet today just waiting to be viewed by me and any Tom, Dick or Harry simply because of one disgruntled senior frat member. And dudes, the majority of those videos involve straight men sucking dick for the first making them even more profitable and valuable to porn sites everywhere. So dudes, you better think!

Reason 2:
Dudes, this one should be the most obvious. STD’s! Sexually Transmitted Diseases! Because let’s face it, most fraternities don’t require their members, pledges or paid strippers to take AIDS tests before they are allowed to pledge that fraternity or put that dick in their mouth. And most fraternities don’t have an onsite doctor or nurse either. So again dudes, you better think!

Reason 3:
Dudes, what if you pledge a fraternity and suck a dick and don’t get in! No pun intended, but that not only blows but it also sucks big time! Dudes, basically you sucked a dick for nothing and if you are straight you’ll have to live with that shit for the rest of your life and also put it on your list of regrets. So again dudes, you better think!

(P.S. And to avoid ruffling any feathers, I just want to say this to all of my gay male readers out there, sucking dick rules! Straight men just don’t know what they are missing which is some good-ass tasty-ass sausage!)

Moving on!

Reason 4:
Dudes, what if the guy’s dick you sucked one day becomes famous? For instance, let’s say that the guy becomes a United States Senator who vehemently tries to pass legislation to ban gays from marrying and all other sorts of things which really pisses off a gay writer from GLAAD or the National Enquirer and they start an investigation in order to get some serious dirt on them to discredit them and accidentally stumble upon a college hazing video of you sucking the Senator’s dick to get into a fraternity! What if this happens years later and you are married with children and have a well paying career! Omigod, the fallout for the both of you! So again dudes, you better think!

Reason 5:
Dudes, what if you do decide to suck a dick to get into a fraternity and successfully get in and after you graduate from college life is good to you then one day 25 years later your son decides to pledge the same fraternity and he gets into the fraternity too but without sucking dick. Dudes, just picture the disgusted and shocked look on your son’s face when on a cold rainy day with nothing to do but drink warm beer and look at old pledging videos your precious son come upon the video of you doing a damn fine job of sucking some guy’s monster dick! Dudes, do you think your son will ever be able to look your nasty-ass in the eye or crotch region ever again with out gagging or even laughing his ass off or squealing on you to the Mrs.! So again dudes, you better think!

Reason 6:
Dudes, what if one day you decide to obtain a conservative type job like a missionary man or Archbishopship? In the past, dick sucking in the church was pretty much swept under the rug but not nowadays! Dudes, a fraternity pledging video of you sucking dick just to get in isn’t the best thing to have on your resume and is also a surefire way that you’ll get fired from your conservative type job asap! So again dudes, you better think!

Reason 7:
Dudes, what if you are only the straight suckee in a fraternity hazing video? Even if you didn’t personally suck pipe yourself, in alot of eyes of gay bashing homosexuals, you are just as guilty and a closeted gay. And if you are a say it proud and say it loud i’m a straight man and proud, this could look extremely bad for you if the video ever got out. Dudes, you would be literally outted! So again dudes, you better think like me and mega soul singer, Aretha Franklin said!

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Last week in addition to checking out two books at the Dover Public Library I also checked out a couple of dvd’s too. ¬†Yesterday night as the third consecutive winter snowstorm to hit on a Sunday was in full swing I decided to watch one of the dvd’s that I rented from the library. ¬†I was in the mood for a light movie considering the serious snowstorm going on outside so I put in the movie, DodgeBall.

For the most part I thought that it was a decent comedy and a fun takeoff on dodgeball. BUT approximately twenty minutes before the movie ended I got an unexpected shock when then squeaky clean superstar athlete, Lance Armstrong shows up as himself and gives actor, Vince Vaughn‘s character, Peter LaFleur, an inspirational pep talk when Vaughn tells Armstrong that he’s decided to quit the dodgeball tournament. Below are some of Lance Armstrong’s encouraging words to Vince Vaughn from the movie:

“You know once I was thinking about quitting bicycling when I was diagnosed with brain, lung and testicular cancer all at the same time but with the love and support of my friends and family I got back on the bike and won the Tour DeFrance five times in a row and i’m sure that you have a good reason for quitting. So what are you dying from that’s keeping you from the tournament finals? Well, I guess if a person never quit when the going got tough they wouldn’t have anything to regret for the rest of their lives. Good luck to you, Peter, i’m sure your decision won’t haunt you forever.”

People, talk about awkward!

I was literally in my own home physically cringing at Lance Armstrong’s words because I feel so disappointed in him because I was such a big fan of his and ever since he came out on Oprah as a drug abusing cheater I have avoided all media regarding him so it was an extreme shock to see him in the movie, DodgeBall, the last place on earth that I would ever expect to see him.

And people, I also received a second shock after doing some long hard thinking later that night when coming to the conclusion that I probably wouldn’t have even rented the dvd if I had known that Lance Armstrong was going to be in it. And that kind of pissed me off because the other actors in the movie didn’t do anything wrong and illegal like Lance Armstrong and why should they have to suffer because of his mistakes. That’s not fair, that’s not right.

Jeez, what an awkward situation!

I mean some of those encouraging words that Lance was saying to Vince Vaughn in the movie back in 2004 actually had me gasping in disbelief because let’s face it, the probable reason for Lance Armstrong’s brain, lung and testicular cancer was from all of those illegal performance enhancing drugs he did to keep winning the Tour DeFrance.

And people when Lance Armstrong also said to Vince Vaughn in the movie, “I’m sure your decision won’t haunt you forever!” I almost lost it because that has been a constant question on my mind ever since Lance Armstrong finally came clean to Oprah. Does Lance really regret doping? Does he really regret all of the heartache that he caused his wonderful charity, Live Strong, his fans, his family, his friends? Was doping really worth it in the long run now that he has been permanently banned from the cycling world and so many people out there think that he’s trash not worthy enough to be picked up? How come when the going got tough for him why couldn’t he have done the right thing and not taken illegal performance enhancing drugs?

I’ll tell ya’ people, these thoughts were not what I would ever expect to be thinking after viewing a movie called, DodgeBall.

This awkward situation reminded me of a similar situation that happened several years ago. Unfortunately on that night I couldn’t sleep so I turned on the tv and started channel surfing to see if there was anything good on. I eventually landed on the movie, The Naked Gun only to quickly switch the channel a couple of minutes later when O.J. Simpson‘s mug came onto my boob tube for obvious reasons.

I said it before and i’ll say it again, awkward!

P.S. I hate awkward movie moments and fallen superstar athletes!

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I’ll tell ya’ folks, there are alot of things in this world that I simply do not understand and if the truth be told, never will understand for as long as I live.

One of those things is bestiality. For those of you who don’t know what that is, bestiality is the engaging of sexual activity between humans and animals.

When I was a teenager I had a dutch rabbit named Sabastian. I really loved that rabbit!

But folks, I never wanted to “love” or have sex with that rabbit, if you know what I mean. Call me old fashioned, a prude or whatever you want but I think that sex should be among one’s own species, i.e. humans should have sex with humans, animals should have sex with animals and insects should have sex with insects, etc.

So when human beings turn to animals for sex, I really feel that it is a form of rape. Folks, let’s face it, no animal on earth can truly give their verbal consent on whether they want to have sex with a human. And if they can’t do that, to me it’s rape.

Some in the legal field would say that bestiality is the perfect crime because the animal can’t talk or complain about the sex and most people simply don’t want to go there. Bestiality is a very uncomfortable and taboo subject to talk about. But just because we don’t really want to talk about it doesn’t mean that it’s not happening. And it could be happening right in your own backyard.

Whether it be that a person is not getting enough sex from their spouse, maybe their spouse is not sexually satisfying them, maybe the person is looking for something different or the person has a morbid curiosity, there are some men and women out there who unfortunately decide to turn to their beloved pets especially their dogs for sex in these situations. And as animals they are powerless to stop this form of abuse.

But you can!

Spouses, look out for the following signs!

Sign 1: Locked Doors
Does your spouse constantly lock the doors to rooms in your dwelling when he or she is alone with your pet? If so, watch out!

Sign 2: Unusual Licking
Does your pet seem to be licking your spouse’s mouth or genital area a little more and longer than they should? If so, watch out!

Sign 3: Travel Everywhere
Does your spouse absolutely insist or demand that your pet go with him or her everywhere? And when I say everywhere, I mean everywhere! For instance, does your spouse even insist or demand that your pet to go to the restroom with them. If so, watch out!

Sign 4: Intimate Touching
Does your spouse pet or constantly touch your pet’s genital or buttocks area? If so, watch out!

Sign 5: Online & Your Pet
Does your spouse constantly hold your pet in their lap while they are on the internet? Does your pet always seem to be with your spouse when they are online? Do you see quick finger movements on the computer’s keyboard by your spouse when you approach? If so, watch out!

Sign 6: Photos
Do you see your spouse constantly taking pictures of or videotaping your pet but they refuse to show you the photos or tape? If so, watch out!

Sign 7: In Heat
Does your spouse’s pulse seem to speed up? Do they lick their lips? Do they touch themselves? Does his member rise when they get close to your pet? Does your spouse constantly change their underwear after spending time with your pet? If so, watch out!

Unfortunately, if you do discover that your spouse has been having sex with your beloved family pet, do yourself, your spouse and your pet a favor by not covering it up no matter how embarrassing or shameful it may make you feel! You are helping noone if you do. Do the smart thing and notify the police and get your spouse psychiatric help immediately! And try to stay strong! After all, you did nothing wrong and everything right.

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It’s a well known fact that Thanksgiving and Christmas are the biggest times of the year for canned food donation and as a former domestic violence victim and homeless person myself, I feel that it is my duty and responsibility to share some of my extensive knowledge by giving anyone who reads this article valuable tips on donating canned food goods to domestic violence and homeless shelters during the holiday season or any other time of the damn year that are generally not listed in the average article. So let’s begin baby!

Tip Number 1:

When donating canned goods to domestic violence and homeless shelters ALWAYS try to give them DIRECTLY to the patrons themselves!

The reason why I personally recommend this method is that the staff members of the domestic violence or homeless shelter won’t have the opportunity to steal or take out the best canned goods and keep them for themselves or their families and give or leave the shitty canned goods for the patrons of the shelter.

As a former patron myself of many domestic violence and homeless shelters I have seen many bad things and this one is at the top of my list. I have seen many a staff member steal the patrons fucking blind so donators, watch out for these corrupt-ass cocksuckers!

Also, if you can, try bringing the canned goods at meal times, i.e. breakfast, lunch or dinner, when alot of the patrons will be around. And always ask if you can stay and watch the canned goods being given out with your own two eyes. And if you are a regular donator, always bring the canned goods on different days and times so that all of the patrons have an ample opportunity to get some of the canned goods that you bring and not the same people every time. Remember, the patrons of these shelters have regular work and school schedules and many other appointments and if you always bring the canned goods on the same day and at the same time alot of the other patrons will miss out and that’s not fair. So donators remember to mix it up baby!

Tip Number 2:

If you are a donator with a major “i’m better than you” attitude, big ol’ bug up their butt or are only donating the canned goods to a shelter so that it will look good on your tax form or you will look like a martyr to your family, friends, co-workers or fellow country club members, do the patrons of these domestic violence and homeless shelters a huge favor by keeping your stupid-ass at home and shoving the canned goods straight up your sorry fucking ass!

As a former domestic violence victim and homeless person, I can’t speak for everybody but I sure as hell can speak for myself and tell you that when I was in these shelters I would have rather starved myself fucking blind (and I often did) than take help from a stupid-ass idiotic motherfucker like the above mentioned people! But that’s just me personally.

This may not be a familiar fact with the general public so let me school some of you brothers and sisters out there by telling you that some domestic violence and homeless shelters are staffed with employees that are so cold-hearted, mean and so unhappy with their personal lives that their sole purpose for taking and remaining in their jobs at the domestic violence or homeless shelter is to solely bully, harrass and treat the patrons of these shelters like total fucking shit to even the score. So alot of patrons at domestic violence and homeless shelters have enough shit in their lives that they have to put up with without having to put up with the shit of a stupid-ass sorry-ass donator like the ones that I have mentioned above, so do them a favor and stay the fuck home and shove the canned goods straight up your sorry fucking ass!

I mean don’t get me wrong you don’t have to be a total fucking saint to donate canned goods to a domestic violence or homeless shelter but it also helps if you’re not a total fucking asshole either. But if you are a total fucking asshole who still wants to help a domestic violence or homeless shelter purely for your own selfish stupid-ass reasons do the right thing and go out and buy some gift cards to Walmart or other grocery stores and drop them into the mail this way the patrons won’t have to put up with your bullshit and they can buy whatever canned food goods that they want without your stupid ass around. Easy breezy! But be sure stupid-ass sorry-ass donators to ask the staff members of the shelter to mail or fax you some kind of proof like photos or signed agreements from the patrons that can be verified that the gift cards were actually GIVEN to the patrons and not pocketed by corrupt-ass immoral-ass staff members of the shelter.

Tip Number 3:

Don’t just donate canned goods from your home that you don’t like or have too much of and think automatically that the patrons of the shelters that you give them to will automatically eat them or be grateful for them.

Hey donator, just as you may not like the canned beets or succotash that has been sitting on your kitchen shelf for twelve years, the patrons also may not like that shit either. Catch my drift, moron?

Donators, always remember two things. One, that you ain’t god baby! We already have a god and a damn good one at that so why would we need a sorry-ass perpetratin’ motherfucker like you? Two, that you are not the only one with discriminating tastes when it comes to food. Let me send you back to school donator baby, domestic violence victims and homeless people have discriminating tastes too and ain’t just going to eat anything just like you! Remember, domestic violence victims and homeless people may be temporarily down on their luck donator baby but they have their pride too and don’t you forget it! The reason why I mention this is because it’s possible that one day donators you could find yourselves unfortunately in their position. There is a popular saying that we’re all just a couple of paychecks away from being homeless. And ask yourselves if you were homeless do you want some sorry-ass perpetratin’ motherfucker thinking that you should be kissing their ass for bringing you a couple of usually fucked up jacked up canned goods and treating your ass like you will eat anything and have to be grateful for the shit just because you are homeless. (Oh no, baby! Oh no!)

If you can donators, try to visit the shelter of your choice beforehand and ask if you can leave a flyer that can be hung up and ask the patrons to write down their favorite canned food goods. Give the patrons a few days to write down their choices then return to the shelter, pick up the flyer then either go out and buy the items or look around your kitchen or pantry then deliver them to the shelter. But ALWAYS make sure that the canned goods are given to the patrons ONLY not the staff.

Also donators, give some of your BEST canned goods to the shelter of your choice and also try to be ORIGINAL. For instance during the holiday season, there are only so many cans of turkey gravy and cranberry sauce that a patron can take. If you can, try to give something unique or in hot demand like a can of coffee or a can of smoked salmon. I know that those items may sound a bit extravagant but tis the season baby! Tis the season!

And donators try not to be total fucking cheapskates either! Remember, there is life and food outside of your goddamn kitchen! Go out and BUY some canned goods too. I mean you don’t have to be a billionaire like Bill Gates to buy a can of Dole Pineapple Slices or a can of Hormel Beef Chili. Remember donators to once again, mix it up and cough it up! Take some of those hard earned dead presidents out of your wallet and go out and buy some good shit for the patrons of domestic violence and homeless shelters! Remember to treat people as you yourself want to be treated! Amen, baby! Amen!

Tip Number 4:

If you are a donator who thinks that domestic violence victims are pathetic, weak-ass victims who should have never let a person knock them upside the head or you are a donator who thinks that homeless people are lazy-ass people who don’t want to work, then do the patrons of domestic violence and homeless shelters a big favor and go fuck yourself then educate yourself before you drop off one single can good to a domestic violence or homeless shelter!

One of the biggest stereotypes that domestic violence victims have to fight everyday literally is that they are pathetic and weak-ass because they “let” a person hit them and one of the biggest stereotypes that the homeless have to fight is that they are lazy-ass people that don’t want to work which in so many cases is totally untrue. Alot of these individuals at these shelters are the strongest, bravest and hardest working people to walk the earth! There are a myriad of reasons why a person can become homeless or a domestic violence victim. Some of them we may be familiar with and some of them we would never think of. Whatever the reason, don’t judge until you know the whole damn story!

So donators if you are a narrow-minded asshole who thinks in stereotypical terms when it comes to domestic violence victims and the homeless you might want to seriously consider educating yourself and get your shit together before donating a single canned good to a shelter because you just might come upon a very perceptive patron stressed to the damn max and with zero tolerance who may just end up kicking your ass for your stupidity. And it would be your own damn fault if they did! So donators, avoid this bullshit and educate yourself about domestic violence victims and the homeless before you donate!

My name is Tina “Knowledgeable” Peden and to all of you who have read this article, I really hope that these tips will help you out in your future canned food donations.

Happy holidays, have a wonderful thanksgiving, merry christmas and have a kick-ass new year!

Thank you!

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