Archive for Advice

JOHNSON UP! (A MANTRA FOR THE MILLENNIUM MAN!)


Verse 1/Chorus:
Hey brother,
did you have a bad day so you took
it out on your woman and brought
her verbally down?
Wanna’ rebound?
Then Johnson up!
Straight up!
Say Sorry up!
Admit yo’ ass was to blame and you
was wrong up!
Buy your woman some flowers or
candy or cook her dinner as a nice
way to make up!
Commit to doing better in the future up!
But most of all, verbally lift your Queen’s
spirits because she damn well deserves
it the hell up!
Get the picture up!
Verse 2/Chorus:
Hey brother,
did you get a girl pregnant then say the
kid ain’t yours being all damn low down?
Wanna’ rebound?
Then Johnson up!
Straight up!
Take paternal parental responsibility up!
Take any decent job or take yo’ ass back
to school to provide for your new kid up!
Pay as much as you can in child support
or open up a savings account and save,
save, save up!
Take a lamaze class and meet other new
parents up!
Go out and buy a colorful onesie up!
But most of all, support the mother of your
child, despite any differences, because she
sure as hell needs you at this time the hell up!
Verse 3/Chorus:
Hey brother,
when you and your homeboys are clowning
around, do you often refer to women as
bitches and hoes stupidly thinking ya’ll are
getting down?
Wanna’ rebound?
Then Johnson up!
Straight up!
Ask yourself would you want your homies
calling your mama, sister or female child
these sick-ass names, come on brother,
real up!
Remember brother that a strong sensual
woman can do anything that a stereotypical
macho male can do so wake up!
And dude, if a woman has a so called
tramp stamp on her back, you can have
your opinions but keep them to yourself
because it ain’t none of yo’ business up!
And baby boy, just because a women dresses
sexy or barely wears any clothes doesn’t mean
that she’s easy or a slut up!  So shutup!
Bro, work to free your mind of these stereotypes
by educating yourself and your homeboys the hell up!
But most of all, try to be a gentleman to women as much
as you possibly can by verbally respecting women
especially in front of impressionable young men the hell up!
Verse 4/Chorus:
Hey brothers,
now that I have given ya’ll the ultimate female low down …..
Now you have all of the tools to maintain and if need be to
always rebound!
So Bro, if ever in the future you screw up, simply direct
your dick skyward and Johnson up!
Again bro, dick skyward, literally straight up!
Bro, do it all old school R&B Temptations style and
“Treat Her Like A Lady” up!
And if you majorly fuck up then go to prison, serve
your time and rehabilitate the hell up!
Always try to be a good role model to young and other
brothers because you have the ability to inspire and
educate up!
Don’t be scared to show love and affection outwardly
towards your woman for fear you’ll be called a pansy up!
Scream it from the tree tops that you are a strong-ass,
grown-ass woman supporting equal opportunity man
till you die up!
And most of all, tweak, be creative and do anything else
that you can think of to make yourself a better man who
exhibits respectful behavior towards women up!
Again bro, direct your dick skyward, straight up!
Always and forever bro, remember to Johnson up!

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HERE ARE SOME NON-TRADITIONAL PROTEST IDEAS!


Do you want to take a stand against a certain politician but due to such things as being too shy or having flat-ass feet may prevent you from picking up a homemade sign and hitting the streets and protesting the usual way?

Well, don’t be damn discouraged!

Baby, just change your mind set!

Remember, every damn person on the planet is good at something!

So first, determine what the hell that is then go out and do it till you’re satisfied whatever it is!

For example:

-If you are a writer, then start a political blog or compose political blog posts about the politician in question.

-If you are a musician, then write a song about the politician and do some public performances of it at your local park, coffee house, house party, etc.  And don’t forget to post that baby online!

-If you have a culinary degree, then bake up a batch of cookies stuffed with a strip of paper inscribed with a political fortune message on it and then pass them out at political fundraising events.

Et cetera!  Et cetera!  Et cetera!

Just use your strengths and imagination and I guarantee you that you will make one hell of a stand!

NoMoreTearsEnoughisEnough

EnoughisEnoughNoMoreTearsUnofficialAntiTrumpSong

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THE ONLY THING TRULY MISSING FROM THE JANUARY 21, 2017 WOMEN’S MARCH WAS …..


I loved the Women’s March that took place on January 21, 2017!  

The only thing that would have made it better was if Barbra Streisand and Alicia Keys would have busted out her kick-ass feminist-like hit song from the 70’s, No More Tears (Enough is Enough) with the late great Donna Summer and tweaked it to call out Trump on some of his many controversies.

That would have been totally awesome!

NoMoreTearsEnoughisEnough

EnoughisEnoughNoMoreTearsUnofficialAntiTrumpSong

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THE SUCCESSFUL SONGWRITER’S MOTTO!


-It could be the dumbest song in the world,
-Who the hell cares,
-Just as long as you get off your butt and write it,
-Just as long as you pour your heart and soul into it,
-Just as long as you personally like it,
-It don’t have to be rocket science honey,
-Now put your Sara Bareilles “Brave” underwear on and put it out there,
-And you never know,
-One person out there may really vibe with it,
-And another one out there may actually even buy it,
-But even if the public don’t buy your hardworked on song,
-Remember you did everything right and not a damn thing wrong,
-You accomplished something alot of others couldn’t which is you wrote a song,
-And whether you did it sober or sucking on a Denver Colorado marijuana bong,
-Girl or boy, you are so strong,
-And you have one big fucking dong,
-So honey do a twirl and move along,
-And write your next hit, bomb, brilliant or crappy-ass next song!

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JUST LIKE THE LITTLE BLACK DRESS, MAKING FUN OF PARIS HILTON WILL ALWAYS BE IN STYLE!


Here is a spoof piece that I wrote about lame-ass heiress, Paris Hilton a couple of years ago.
Paris Hilton To Tour Flood-Damaged Iowa On July 25th!
First President George Bush did it, then John McCain did it.  And of course the next logical candidate to tour areas damaged and destroyed by massive flooding in Iowa is none other than Paris Hilton!
(Insert your snicker here!)
According to a close friend of mine from Des Moines, rumors have been swirling the past week that there have been phone conversations between Paris Hilton and Iowa Governor Chet Culver about the heiress touring flood damaged areas of Iowa with Hilton expressing an interest on touring the state on July 25th.
One question immediately sprang to my mind after being informed of this rumor.
Why the hell would this rich, spoiled, talentless self-centered woman want to tour Iowa when the state is going through such a difficult time let alone on this specific date?
My answer, who the hell knows!
But this is one writer who’s not going to pass up an opportunity to speculate why.
So, here is my list of the top 10 reasons why Paris Hilton wants to tour flood damaged Iowa on July 25th:
10.  When Hilton was released from jail due to violating her probation last year she vowed to visit Rwanda, but as of this date hasn’t, and let’s face it, never will because of her “busy” schedule so she probably figured visiting Iowa was good enough because it’s a foreign country too.
9.   Her pampered pooch, Tinkerbell threatened to sell her latest sex tape in high definition 3D if she didn’t get her bony butt out of the state for awhile and give her a break.  (As if Iowans haven’t suffered enough from the floods already, here comes Paris Hilton to wreck the day!)
8.   As the self-proclaimed “iconic blonde of the decade” she felt it was her duty to spread goodwill to Iowa through her blondness and stupidness.
7.   ARE YOU KIDDING!  Touring flood damaged Iowa is a major photo op baby and there ain’t no way in hell Paris Hilton is gonna’ miss out on that action!
6.   Being voted the second “worst celebrity role model of 2006” behind Britney Spears has inspired her to try to change her image.  (Good luck honey because that just ain’t gonna’ happen in this lifetime!)
5.   Paris is pissed off at her latest boytoy, Benji Madden for saying that the late great superstar acting dog, Benji was “hotter” than Tinkerbell.  (Now that’s hot!)
4.  Paris plans on holding a “famous for being famous” rally Howard Dean-style in Iowa to find a new bff.  (Because not only is she going to Iowa, Howard Dean she’s going to South Carolina and Oklahoma and Arizona and North Dakota and New Mexico, and then she’s going to California and Texas and New York … And then she’s going to South Dakota and Oregon and Washington and Michigan, and when she finally finds her new bff they are going to Washington, D.C. to take back the White House! Yeah!)
3.  Paris wants to give away free copies of her flop movie, The Hottie and the Nottie, to try to cheer victims of the Iowa flood up.  (Omigod!)
2.  Paris is hoping to get an autographed picture of Iowa band, Slipknot, to sell on ebay to help raise money for the victims of the flood rather than digging into her own deep pockets.
1.   She wants publicity, pure and simple, for her upcoming movie, song, clothing line, perfume, dog adoption, runway gig, burger commercial or whatever else this chick is trying  to shove down the American public’s throats.  (Ewww, gross!)
Hey Paris, do everyone a favor and especially Iowa, stay at home!

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HEY VAIN RICH GUYS, HERE’S SOME HELPFUL KICK IN THE ASS ADVICE IN REGARDS TO YOUR LOVE LIFE & OTHER THINGS!


Hey vain rich guys, since it is a new year, here is some unsolicited advice to help you get off to a good start.  So picture this fictional scenario.

Vain rich guys, you are currently in the “so damn glad that Christmas is over” cycle but unfortunately due to consuming all of those 180 proof eggnog cocktails on December 26th, 2013 white hot needles of hangover pain have thrown a less than glowing spotlight on your love life.

Looking back now at Christmas day 2013 you think that maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to insist on carving your blind date’s apple cranberry stuffed turkey with your new $90.00 gold-plated locker key to the fancy schmancy gym/spa that you belong to.  But unfortunately your bloodlust for control, attention and expensive worthless material shit clouded your judgment along with all of those damn 180 eggnog cocktails.

(Note to self:  I’m never drinking anything 180 proof ever again!  Well, at least not until Super Bowl Sunday at the country club.)

Anyhoo ……….

Vain rich guys, you also came to the realization that it also didn’t help your love life on Christmas day either when you threatened to tell all of the kids in your date’s neighborhood that Santa didn’t exist, pissing off your date even further, if they played one lyric of the classic Christmas song, “Holly Jolly Christmas” by Burl Ives in lieu of playing “Santa Baby” by Madonna because in your humble opinion even though Burl Ives can sing his big-ass off he still is so damn unattractive that he makes you want to puke Christmas tree shaped multi-colored vomit all over the place.

Burn!

So all in all vain rich guys, even though the above things may not have specifically happened to you, THE POINT IS, every vain rich guy should know that going through life judging people harshly by their looks, not using their noggin before saying stupid-ass things, shamelessly flaunting material possessions and acting like a moronic control freak will not only get you a well deserved kick in the ass and your ass kicked to the curb by any sane female but eventually will leave you a lonely pathetic masturbating fool.

Burn!

So vain rich guys, instead try turning over a brand spankin’ new $5,000 Ralph Lauren jock strap for the new year!  Vain rich guys, turn that stupid-ass trait upside down by using your material fortune to buy a small gift for a friend or purchasing some tasty but expensive-ass food for a homeless shelter!  And vain rich guys,  if you do feel the need to make a negative comment about somebody’s looks simply think the bad thing in your head and keep your damn mouth shut!

And vain rich guys, I really do hope that you have a happy and prosperous new year!

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IF I COULD GIVE “GIRL ON FIRE” FOR THE MOMENT, JENNIFER LAWRENCE ONE PIECE OF ADVICE, IT WOULD BE …..


Jennifer, if you are going to share a piece of twinkie-like food with another person then make sure that if you want to smell it first then be sure to sniff it at least a millimeter or two away from your nostrils.

I mean that’s just plain sanitary and common sense, honey!

But for the love of god “Girl on Fire” don’t put your microscopic boogery, snotty and liquid makeupy nasty-ass nostrils on a twinkie-like food then sniff the hell out of it then break it in half and offer fellow actor, Liam Hemsworth a piece of it to eat.

P.S.    For those of you out there who are wondering what the hell i’m talking about either rent or Netflix the movie, The Hunger Games.  This nasty-ass scene featuring Jennifer Lawrence and Liam Hemsworth happens very early in the movie, like within the first 15 minutes.

Now that you are properly schooled I will continue with the blog post.

I mean “Girl on Fire” it’s okay if YOU want to chow down on your own microscopic boogery, snotty and liquid makeupy nasty-ass twinkie-like food infested with your germs because after all it did come from your own body.  Although I don’t know why the hell you would want to but that’s your affair.

But for the love of God “Girl on Fire” be humane and not involve poor Liam Hemsworth in your unsanitary ways!  Girl, have a damn heart!  That poor young man has been through enough!   “Girl on Fire” have you never heard of Liam’s ex, a girl named Miley Cyrus and her vaginal germ infested foam finger?

I mean “Girl on Fire” sometimes you can be so cold-hearted and cold-blooded!

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