Archive for Food


Jennifer, if you are going to share a piece of twinkie-like food with another person then make sure that if you want to smell it first then be sure to sniff it at least a millimeter or two away from your nostrils.

I mean that’s just plain sanitary and common sense, honey!

But for the love of god “Girl on Fire” don’t put your microscopic boogery, snotty and liquid makeupy nasty-ass nostrils on a twinkie-like food then sniff the hell out of it then break it in half and offer fellow actor, Liam Hemsworth a piece of it to eat.

P.S.    For those of you out there who are wondering what the hell i’m talking about either rent or Netflix the movie, The Hunger Games.  This nasty-ass scene featuring Jennifer Lawrence and Liam Hemsworth happens very early in the movie, like within the first 15 minutes.

Now that you are properly schooled I will continue with the blog post.

I mean “Girl on Fire” it’s okay if YOU want to chow down on your own microscopic boogery, snotty and liquid makeupy nasty-ass twinkie-like food infested with your germs because after all it did come from your own body.  Although I don’t know why the hell you would want to but that’s your affair.

But for the love of God “Girl on Fire” be humane and not involve poor Liam Hemsworth in your unsanitary ways!  Girl, have a damn heart!  That poor young man has been through enough!   “Girl on Fire” have you never heard of Liam’s ex, a girl named Miley Cyrus and her vaginal germ infested foam finger?

I mean “Girl on Fire” sometimes you can be so cold-hearted and cold-blooded!

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NecessitiesTotallySuckItis is a painful temporary swelling of the face and vocal cords triggered by a traumatic trip to the grocery store. It is usually caused when an individual buys all of the things on their list at the grocery store but once everything is rung up in the checkout lane the individual discovers that he or she doesn’t have enough money to buy everything so they have to put a couple of important items back like the cheesecake, pizza and beer and keep the stupid-ass things like the toilet paper, shampoo and toothpaste thereby making the individual so mad that he or she loudly exclaims right in the damn store that necessities totally suck in an extremely hoarse voice.

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Hey McDonalds, Wendy’s, Burger King and all of the rest of you greasy spoons out there in Americaland, I know that you are all wicked busy making your whoppers, shamrock shakes and chicken mcnuggets so i’m going to make this bad sex brief and give you my top three reasons why fast food joints like yourselves should let people without cars order food from the damn drive thru. And here we go!

Hey greasy spoons, show the world that you don’t allow discrimination of any kind all up and all outside of your joint!
(Hey McDonalds, just because a person has a car and can drive it through a restaurant drive thru and order tasty but relatively cheap-ass food doesn’t make them any better than a carless person. I mean, come on, you guys and girls ought to know better than that! And by not allowing people with no vehicles to not go through your drive thru you are basically saying that carless people are total trash who are not worthy to go through your precious drive thru and Mickey D’s that shit just ain’t right! I mean, should a hungry-ass person be made to suffer just because they don’t have an automobile for valid reasons like poverty or vehicular homicide! Hell no! I’ll tell ya’ Mickey D’s if the great automobile pioneer, Henry Ford himself were alive, i’d bet you a dollar or a chocolate sundae on your dollar menu that he’d bitch slap your face for your current discriminatory behavior! So McDonald’s and all of you other 90% greasy spoon/10% totally lame healthy menu choice restaurants out there, stop the car discrimination madness and let a carless joe or jane order a damn quarter pounder with or without cheese in your precious drive thru!)

Moving on!

Hey greasy spoons, show the world that you have good common sense!
(Hey Burger King, what the fuck? And I am specifically saying “what the fuck” to all of those Burger King executives out there who think that people who don’t have cars and get into the drive thru lane to order food are only interested in robbing the place. NEWS FUCKING FLASH! Burger King executives, I know that it is hard for you to believe but a person in a car can just as easily rob a Burger King from the drive thru too! And you know what, they have an even higher escape rate than a person robbing the joint on foot! So Burger King, how do you like them onion rings? Burger King, for the love of god, just let carless people order food through the damn drive thru and stop the car discrimination madness!)

And last but not least, I have my final reason.

Hey greasy spoons, show the world that you support originality and exercise!
(Hey Wendy’s, just because a person enters a drive thru to order food without a car doesn’t make them crazy or weird in most people’s eyes, in some people’s eyes it makes them original, unique, rebels, risk takers, bold, outside of the box thinkers! Hey, look at James Dean! And there are some people like me who really applaud carless people who want to order food from the drive thru because it shows that they are some what into fitness. And that is so important these days! I mean basically these people are thinking some what about their health by at least taking a quick walk or getting a little exercise in before woofing down their high calorie artery clogging meal. I mean that’s something at least! They’re totally compromising halfway down the middle on doing the right thing and I even think Dave Thomas, the founder of Wendy’s who had a big-ass gut would agree that that takes some guts! Not big-ass abdominal guts like Dave but courage type guts like Clark Kent/Superman!)

P.S. Carless people have rights too and deserve the chance to go through the drive thru!

(Hey, that rhymes! Cool!)

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Below are two quotes and an excerpt from SUPERPET, Burke the Bird of The Adventures of Shamrock Girl series:

Burke the Bird quickly looked over at Shamrock Girl and Emeralda then flashed them his lopsided smirk again then he turned back to the supervillians, the smirk now gone. He then put one of his hand-like wings to the top of his head then dramatically said, “My fellow supervillians and superpets, this has been a harrowing experience that I have been put through today and I want to thank all of you from the bottom of my heart for your love and support but unfortunately my pride and vanity are saying that I hate for you to see me like this.” He then paused and looked right over at Shamrock Girl and Emeralda then said slowly and deliberately, “IF THE TRUTH BE TOLD, I NEED A COUPLE OF MINUTES TO COMPOSE MYSELF. CAN I ASK ALL OF YOU TO SIMPLY TURN YOUR BACKS FOR A FEW MOMENTS.” A huge sea of nods and “yes’” filled the room along with one unusually loud and squeaky, “Of course, of course!” For the second time since entering the Main Lounge this evening both Shamrock Girl and Emeralda groaned loudly because again they recognized another voice. After craning their necks they saw in the very back of the crowd, Hector Truth, otherwise known as Truthy the Superhero turning his back. It was a well known fact among superheros and supervillians on the planet of Jytrimillya that Truthy the Superhero was not only the most honest Jytrimillyan on the planet but he was also the most honest individual in New York City which was where he resided part-time and worked part-time as a pro bono lawyer. Both Shamrock Girl and Emeralda started getting sinking feelings in the pit of their stomachs. But they were no where near prepared for what happened next.

To read the comic book style short story in which the two quotes and excerpt come from please click on  Shamrock Girl & The Bomb Pop Popsicle Injury!

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Here is a poem that I wrote for the upcoming Christmas season. Enjoy!

Thank you Jesus Christ for the
hot cross buns this Christmas
they simply can’t be beat!

And to worship, praise and
thank you for your sacrifice
I kiss the bottom of the
vanilla frosting cross on the
hot cross bun as if it were
your precious feet.

It’s the least that I can do
for you every Christmas for
being the inspiration behind
the ultimate religious sweet
before I eat.

Merry Christmas and Happy
New Year to you Jesus Christ
who I hope one day to meet
in heaven and personally
thank for many years of feasting
on this delightful holiday
spiced treat!

Hey Jesus Christ & Hot Cross Buns
you both rule the earth and
are both super neat!

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A great man named Tim Bayliss (portrayed brilliantly by actor, Kyle Secor) once said these kick-ass inspirational words to fellow homicide detective, Rene Sheppard (portrayed decently by the beautiful model/actress, Michael Michele) when she asked him how he would describe himself sexually in a ground breaking Season 7 episode entitled, Closet Cases, on the 90’s hit NBC television show, Homicide: Life on the Street and I happily and huskily quote……….

“Interested in the beauty and wonders of the universe, open to all of the various complexities and possibilities of existence, bicurious.”

Oh, yeah, Tim baby, oh yeah!

P.S.    To view this ground breaking scene from Season 7 of Homicide: Life on the Street please click on Tim Bayliss is bicurious and I love it!

And for those of you who don’t have the ability to read between the lines, big ol’ cute as a button boy next door officer with access to plenty of handcuffs Tim Bayliss meant that he was totally open to banging both women and men. Heteroflexible, to be more precise. Basically when it comes to sex, Tim Bayliss is open to more than one thing and anything goes.

So in honor of esteemed and kinky-ass officer Tim Bayliss no matter whether you are a heterosexual or homosexual guy or a heterosexual or homosexual gal, I want you to go online and purchase yourself a Sybian machine.

Once your Sybian machine arrives, strip down or leave all of your clothes on except for your drawers of course then sit yourself comfortably down on the machine. And it’s up to you how you want to take it. Ladies, you have the option to take it up the ass or the vagina. Guys, i’m afraid that your choices are a bit more limited and you have no choice but to take the Sybian machine’s dildo up the ass. Guys, boo hoo hoo for you! (Guys, i’m being totally sarcastic here because both you and I know that you are going to have some low down and dirty fun!)

Anyhoo once you select the speed of your choice on the Sybian, close your eyes and let the good vibrations wash all over you. Guys and gals don’t forget to take a couple of sips of the screwdriver (Vodka and orange juice) that you already mixed up and is sitting in a glass next to the Sybian machine.

And last but not least, while you are riding the Sybian and sipping your screwdriver don’t forget to do as Tim Bayliss did and think on bi terms. Gals whether it is your ultimate sexual fantasy to be double penetrated by two men at the same time or guys if it is your ultimate sexual fantasy to have a three way with a black woman and a white woman, just think in bi terms!

KNOWLEDGEABLE TIP: Remember, two is better than one! And when it comes to sex, two means double the fun! So again guys and gals when it comes to sex take the Tim Bayliss approach and be bicurious! Be open to all of the various complexities and possibilities of existence! And I guarantee that your sex life will get better because of your new bi attitude! Come on, don’t just live a little, live big! And also remember that curiosity may have killed the cat but it certainly didn’t kill the sex. Thank god!

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Hey guys, bisexual gals or straight up lesbians, if you wake up one morning and decide to have some super cinnamon toast for breakfast or in sex terms, a life sized inflatable black female doll slathered from head to toe with warm butter, cinnamon and sugar and are ready to chow down on it but all of a sudden the doll bursts and starts to deflate, take my knowledgeable advice and don’t get your panties or any other organ into a wad, simply turn a bitter lemon into sweet lemonade meaning instead of having yummy super cinnamon toast for your breakfast have yummy super cinnamon flat ass pancakes instead. As Campbell Soup and inflatable doll aficionados say, “Mmmm, mmmm good!”

KNOWLEDGEABLE TIP:   Remember people, when it comes to good yummy sex one must do as the successful comedians do: Improvise, improvise, improvise! In sex terms, Improvisation and The Second City Comedy Club in Chicago totally rules!

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