Posts tagged Advice

HEY VAIN RICH GUYS, HERE’S SOME HELPFUL KICK IN THE ASS ADVICE IN REGARDS TO YOUR LOVE LIFE & OTHER THINGS!


Hey vain rich guys, since it is a new year, here is some unsolicited advice to help you get off to a good start.  So picture this fictional scenario.

Vain rich guys, you are currently in the “so damn glad that Christmas is over” cycle but unfortunately due to consuming all of those 180 proof eggnog cocktails on December 26th, 2013 white hot needles of hangover pain have thrown a less than glowing spotlight on your love life.

Looking back now at Christmas day 2013 you think that maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to insist on carving your blind date’s apple cranberry stuffed turkey with your new $90.00 gold-plated locker key to the fancy schmancy gym/spa that you belong to.  But unfortunately your bloodlust for control, attention and expensive worthless material shit clouded your judgment along with all of those damn 180 eggnog cocktails.

(Note to self:  I’m never drinking anything 180 proof ever again!  Well, at least not until Super Bowl Sunday at the country club.)

Anyhoo ……….

Vain rich guys, you also came to the realization that it also didn’t help your love life on Christmas day either when you threatened to tell all of the kids in your date’s neighborhood that Santa didn’t exist, pissing off your date even further, if they played one lyric of the classic Christmas song, “Holly Jolly Christmas” by Burl Ives in lieu of playing “Santa Baby” by Madonna because in your humble opinion even though Burl Ives can sing his big-ass off he still is so damn unattractive that he makes you want to puke Christmas tree shaped multi-colored vomit all over the place.

Burn!

So all in all vain rich guys, even though the above things may not have specifically happened to you, THE POINT IS, every vain rich guy should know that going through life judging people harshly by their looks, not using their noggin before saying stupid-ass things, shamelessly flaunting material possessions and acting like a moronic control freak will not only get you a well deserved kick in the ass and your ass kicked to the curb by any sane female but eventually will leave you a lonely pathetic masturbating fool.

Burn!

So vain rich guys, instead try turning over a brand spankin’ new $5,000 Ralph Lauren jock strap for the new year!  Vain rich guys, turn that stupid-ass trait upside down by using your material fortune to buy a small gift for a friend or purchasing some tasty but expensive-ass food for a homeless shelter!  And vain rich guys,  if you do feel the need to make a negative comment about somebody’s looks simply think the bad thing in your head and keep your damn mouth shut!

And vain rich guys, I really do hope that you have a happy and prosperous new year!

Leave a comment »

IF I COULD GIVE “GIRL ON FIRE” FOR THE MOMENT, JENNIFER LAWRENCE ONE PIECE OF ADVICE, IT WOULD BE …..


Jennifer, if you are going to share a piece of twinkie-like food with another person then make sure that if you want to smell it first then be sure to sniff it at least a millimeter or two away from your nostrils.

I mean that’s just plain sanitary and common sense, honey!

But for the love of god “Girl on Fire” don’t put your microscopic boogery, snotty and liquid makeupy nasty-ass nostrils on a twinkie-like food then sniff the hell out of it then break it in half and offer fellow actor, Liam Hemsworth a piece of it to eat.

P.S.    For those of you out there who are wondering what the hell i’m talking about either rent or Netflix the movie, The Hunger Games.  This nasty-ass scene featuring Jennifer Lawrence and Liam Hemsworth happens very early in the movie, like within the first 15 minutes.

Now that you are properly schooled I will continue with the blog post.

I mean “Girl on Fire” it’s okay if YOU want to chow down on your own microscopic boogery, snotty and liquid makeupy nasty-ass twinkie-like food infested with your germs because after all it did come from your own body.  Although I don’t know why the hell you would want to but that’s your affair.

But for the love of God “Girl on Fire” be humane and not involve poor Liam Hemsworth in your unsanitary ways!  Girl, have a damn heart!  That poor young man has been through enough!   “Girl on Fire” have you never heard of Liam’s ex, a girl named Miley Cyrus and her vaginal germ infested foam finger?

I mean “Girl on Fire” sometimes you can be so cold-hearted and cold-blooded!

Leave a comment »

13 TIPS ON HOW TO KICK WRITER’S BLOCK TO THE CURB FOREVER!


This is an oldie but goodie article that I wrote and posted on Dreamstime back in July 2010.  Enjoy!

The worst fear for any writer is to get writer’s block! It is truly a nightmare! For some writers, it is a nightmare that they so desperately want to wake up from but find that they can’t.

As a writer myself, writing to me personally is my love and my heart. So not being able to write something when I specifically want to is like death because part of me dies a little when I can’t do the thing that I love so much.

It’s sad to think about but just about every writer on this planet and probably some on Mars and Jupiter have been through a period where they haven’t been able to write a single word. And it’s sheer agony! Sheer hell! No writer ever wants to go through a period like this but unfortunately it happens alot. Usually if the writer’s block doesn’t last too long we don’t get too upset but when the days start to stretch into weeks and possibly months then Houston, we got a problem!

The best way to get rid of writer’s block is to stop it dead in its tracks before it can even start. Become proactive! And when it comes to writer’s block that exactly what a writer has to do, become proactive!

So here are some tips on how to kick writer’s block to the curb!

TIP 1: PRINT IT OUT!
Writers, buy yourself a printer. It doesn’t matter if it is a dot matrix, ink jet or a laser printer, just buy yourself one! Make it a habit to regularly print off a page or two of your writing and hang it up on the wall of a place that you look at frequently throughout the day such as your bedroom wall, the bathroom or even take a couple of pages of your novel to your place of employment and hang them up in your cubicle. We writers are often inspired to write even more when we have hard proof of our accomplishments.
For you writers who are low on cash and can’t afford to buy a printer now be sure to put some of your writing in an email message or on a disc and print out a couple of pages at your local library. Also, most libraries have Microsoft Word or some other word processing program already installed on their computers so you can also write at the library too.

TIP 2: WORK ON A TYPEWRITER!
People let’s face it, laptops and desktops have made the typewriter cumbersome and virtually obsolete but who cares! Be a rebel and write on a typewriter sometime. Writers use this relic from the past as another way to inspire you! For instance pretend that you are a writer like F. Scott Fitzgerald, Maya Angelou, Walter Cronkite or any of your other favorite writers who had no choice but to use the typewriter to write on back in the day then create a fake pressing deadline and commit yourself to writing at least 200 words on any subject that you want. Just do it on the typewriter!

TIP 3: GO NOTEPAD CRAZY!
One of the things that I find that works for me when I feel writer’s block sneaking up on me is to leave notepads, notebooks, post-its and any other kind of paper such as a grocery slip everywhere around my house.
I leave paper in the kitchen, the living room, the basement, etc. and when the inspiration hits me I write whatever it is down on the paper and leave it in a special spot in that area then when I get stumped about what to write i’ll go to any one of those areas and look at what I wrote on any of those pieces of paper and the writer’s block quickly disappears.  I also find that buying different sizes of notebooks and notepads helps too plus I try to get them in different colors to really jazz things up a bit in my writing life.

TIP 4: USE ERASERMATE PENS!
This is an absolute must for me! When I write I have to use an Erasermate pen. To me, there is something so inspiring about writing with a pen that leaves blue or black ink on your hand as your jotting down a first draft of an article. I’ll tell you I have written many jokes and funny stories from this experience which is yet another way to get rid of writer’s block. Plus, it’s one of the only pens that actually erases! Cool!

TIP 5: WATCH TV WHILE YOUR WRITING!
Writers do yourselves a favor and tune the tv to one of your favorite television programs and during the commercial breaks do a little writing. Trust me, you’ll be amazed at how much you can get written during a half hour to a one hour show. Sometimes I have gotten into my writing so much that I forgot to watch the tv show when it came back on after the commercial.
Writers, you might also want to try watching tv shows or movies whose main characters are successful or struggling writers. For instance, I used to love the 80’s tv show, Murder She Wrote! The main character, Jessica Fletcher was a popular and sucessful mystery writer. The episodes often inspired me to get off of my lazy butt and write!

TIP 6: WRITE THE ULTIMATE SHORT STORY!
When I say write the ultimate short story, I mean write the ultimate short story in 160 characters or less. Sometimes when I am out and about on the town and hit with an idea instead of using my portable notebook that I always carry in my purse, I use my text messaging system on my phone. I key in the important words and then I send a text to myself. Sometimes I can do it all in one text message but one time I sent 57 text messages to myself on one short story.
EXTRA TIP ON THE HOUSE: To prevent my phone from getting damaged or wet I carry it around in my purse in a plastic eyeglass case.

TIP 7: BLOG ABOUT ANYTHING!
One of the things that I do to really get my creative juices going is to write short paragraphs or even a sentence or two regularly on my blog. And writers if you don’t have a blog consider starting one of your own. There are so many places that you can do this for free such as WordPress, Blogspot, TypePad, Blogger, etc. Start a blog and write about anything. Remember, nobody’s judging you! Write about whatever you want and get feedback, positive and negative, which can also fuel your creative juices too!

TIP 8: BE CREATIVE AND CREATE!
Go online to CafePress or CustomInk and create your own custom buttoms, t-shirts, mugs, greeting cards, etc. They provide the items, you provide a few short words which is another way to combat writer’s block. Plus, you actually might make a few dollars in the process.

TIP 9: READ, READ, READ!
This is one of the most fun ways to get rid of writer’s block. Go to your local library or Barnes & Noble and select a book that you like and read it from cover to cover. I often find something in a book that I would like to know more about which leads me to research and eventually writing.
Also, try going to the library and selecting a book on a subject that you hate and write down why you hate it. When you do this you’ll find that your writer’s block has quickly disappeared.

TIP 10: JOIN A WRITER’S GROUP!
Whether it be a group that meets every Tuesday at the local roller rink or a group that you can join online, joining a writer’s group can put you in an environment where you are around other people with your goals and dreams. You can hear stories of the triumphs and the heartaches of other writers which can also inspire you to put pen to paper and get rid of that writer’s block.
Yahoo has an online group for just anything and Craigslist has a community section which often lists local writer’s groups.

TIP 11: INVEST IN SOME NEW FANGLED EQUIPMENT!
Sometimes the latest hot thing in technology can inspire us to write as well. One of my favorite things is the Dana Wireless made by AlphaSmart. It is often called the ultimate palm-powered writing tool. A Dana Wireless is basically a portable word processing system with internet access. You can do alot of cool things on it like write a story or read an ebook. The Dana Wireless is a fun and useful thing for a writer to own. Writers consider making an investment in this new fangled contraption!

TIP 12: TAKE A CLASS, SEMINAR OR WORKSHOP!
As we all know, the learning process is a lifelong one. So continue to build on your knowledge by taking a class, seminar or workshop on any subject of your choice. For instance, I personally love comedy. One day in the future I am going to take a stand-up comedy workshop offered by the American Comedy Institute in New York.
Remember writers when we take classes in a subject that we are really interested in, it makes us happy and gives us the desire to want to learn. Often times, this can lead to writing about what we are learning.

TIP 13: DON’T WRITE, RECORD!
Sometimes, I just don’t feel like writing but I want to write, if that makes any sense. To clarify, sometimes I don’t feel like typing or writing with a pen and paper but I want to compose a story or a poem so i’ll use either my microcassette recorder or the recording device on my phone to take down my words. Easy breezy! And yet another way to kiss writer’s block goodbye forever!

Leave a comment »

TINA “KNOWLEDGEABLE” PEDEN’S SEX & FOOD GUIDE! (VOLUME 3)


A great man named Tim Bayliss (portrayed brilliantly by actor, Kyle Secor) once said these kick-ass inspirational words to fellow homicide detective, Rene Sheppard (portrayed decently by the beautiful model/actress, Michael Michele) when she asked him how he would describe himself sexually in a ground breaking Season 7 episode entitled, Closet Cases, on the 90’s hit NBC television show, Homicide: Life on the Street and I happily and huskily quote……….

“Interested in the beauty and wonders of the universe, open to all of the various complexities and possibilities of existence, bicurious.”

Oh, yeah, Tim baby, oh yeah!

P.S.    To view this ground breaking scene from Season 7 of Homicide: Life on the Street please click on Tim Bayliss is bicurious and I love it!

And for those of you who don’t have the ability to read between the lines, big ol’ cute as a button boy next door officer with access to plenty of handcuffs Tim Bayliss meant that he was totally open to banging both women and men. Heteroflexible, to be more precise. Basically when it comes to sex, Tim Bayliss is open to more than one thing and anything goes.

So in honor of esteemed and kinky-ass officer Tim Bayliss no matter whether you are a heterosexual or homosexual guy or a heterosexual or homosexual gal, I want you to go online and purchase yourself a Sybian machine.

Once your Sybian machine arrives, strip down or leave all of your clothes on except for your drawers of course then sit yourself comfortably down on the machine. And it’s up to you how you want to take it. Ladies, you have the option to take it up the ass or the vagina. Guys, i’m afraid that your choices are a bit more limited and you have no choice but to take the Sybian machine’s dildo up the ass. Guys, boo hoo hoo for you! (Guys, i’m being totally sarcastic here because both you and I know that you are going to have some low down and dirty fun!)

Anyhoo once you select the speed of your choice on the Sybian, close your eyes and let the good vibrations wash all over you. Guys and gals don’t forget to take a couple of sips of the screwdriver (Vodka and orange juice) that you already mixed up and is sitting in a glass next to the Sybian machine.

And last but not least, while you are riding the Sybian and sipping your screwdriver don’t forget to do as Tim Bayliss did and think on bi terms. Gals whether it is your ultimate sexual fantasy to be double penetrated by two men at the same time or guys if it is your ultimate sexual fantasy to have a three way with a black woman and a white woman, just think in bi terms!

KNOWLEDGEABLE TIP: Remember, two is better than one! And when it comes to sex, two means double the fun! So again guys and gals when it comes to sex take the Tim Bayliss approach and be bicurious! Be open to all of the various complexities and possibilities of existence! And I guarantee that your sex life will get better because of your new bi attitude! Come on, don’t just live a little, live big! And also remember that curiosity may have killed the cat but it certainly didn’t kill the sex. Thank god!

Leave a comment »

RETRO PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION GEMS: HEY BARACK & MICHELLE OBAMA: FOR YOUR CAMPAIGN’S SAKE, SHUT YOUR YAPS!


This is a humor piece that I wrote for the 2008 Presidential Election back in April 2008 on Instablogs. So turn back the clocks and reminise!

Picture it! I’m using my best “valley girl” voice circa 1983.

Okay, like, Barack Obama said like the people in rural Pennsylvania are bitter and angry.

Which was like sooo totally lame!

But I like forgive him because he’s such a total hunk!

He’s so tubular! Omigod!

And his wife, Michelle like totally said for the first time in her adult life, she was proud of her country.

Which was like so grody to the max!

But I like totally forgive her because her husband is such a total hunk!

He’s so tubular! Omigod!

Okay, I have to stop this right now. I mean, I love the 80’s but it’s time to say goodbye to my “valley girl” voice and the 80’s and move on from this retro reminising.

Besides it’s giving me a headache! (Or it could be the Olivia Newton-John headband that I am wearing around my head that could be giving me the headache. But I digress.)

Anyhoo, before I say goodbye to the 80’s completely, (I love you Deborah Foreman and Nicholas Cage! You guys did an awesome job in the movie!) there is one thing that I have to say.

Hey Barack & Michelle Obama, shut your yaps!

I mean, haven’t you idiots learned anything?

When the hell will politicians and their boring wives learn that when you are running for president of the United States of America and want to be president of the United States of America basically you can’t say a damn thing, zip, nada!

You have to keep your damn mouth shut about everything!

Barack, you can ask your grocer, doctor or even your car salesman to talk for you but you have to keep your mouth shut or it’s career suicide!

Basically you’ll never win the election if you say something!

Let’s face it, whenever a politician opens his or her mouth they are absolutely guaranteed to offend somebody.

At this time, I would like to send a shout out to rural Pennsylvania! How ya’ll feelin’ today?

So here’s a little advice to any politician out there considering running for president of the United States of America, always remember that Americans don’t have thick skin, they don’t let bygones be bygones, they don’t believe in that bullshit–sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. Americans get pissed off over the littlest thing!

So Barack and Michelle, for your campaign’s sake, shut your yaps!

Comments (1) »

HEY WORDPRESS, WILL YOU PLEASE LET US BLOGGERS SET OUR OWN DAMN GOALS! WHAT ARE WE, BABIES?


(Here’s a little humor piece dedicated to all of you hardworking WordPress bloggers and bloggettes out there. I hope that all of you enjoy it and it brings a little laughter into your hectic day.)

WordPress, it’s fuckin’ creepy!

And I don’t mean just ordinary run of the mill creepy, I mean, Anthony Perkins slices and dices the beautiful and talented Janet Leigh in the Bates Motel shower Psycho creepy!

Hey WordPress Bloggers and Bloggettes, have you ever noticed that when you have posted 100 blog posts on your blog, or perhaps less, afterwards you start getting an update from the WordPress Goal Meter on your progress?

For example, after you have uploaded your latest post you will see a message afterwards saying something along the lines of “Congratulations! You have just posted your 100th blog post on WordPress!” Then off to the left side of your computer, the WordPress Goal Meter will say something like “4 posts to go 105 blog posts!” And once you have completed your 105th blog post, the WordPress Goal Meter will say something along the lines of “Congratulations! You have reached your goal of 105 blog posts!” Then the WordPress Goal Meter will then say something like “New Goal: 5 posts to go to 110 blog posts!”

I mean, WTF?

And why does the WordPress Goal Meter only measures a WordPress Blogger’s blog posting goals in blocks of five? I mean what’s up with that shit? (That’s numeric discrimination, buddy!)

WordPress, you guys and dolls, know that I love you but I have something to say to your WordPress Goal Meter.

Hey buddy, butt out!

Let us WordPress Bloggers set our own damn goals! I mean what are we, babies!

And WordPress Goal Meter, what if we bloggers don’t want to set our blog posting goals in blocks of five what if we want to set them in blocks of 2 or blocks of 7 or simply don’t want to set blog posting goals at all. Don’t we have that right? Hey WordPress Goal Meter, haven’t you ever heard of the constitution buddy?

WordPress Goal Meter please do us WordPress Bloggers a favor and seek some psychiatric help for your “God Complex” because buddy you sure need it!

And another thing WordPress Goal Meter, who the hell even asked for your help anyway? I mean, did you get a phone call from WordPress Blogger, Tina “Knowledgeable” Peden asking you to set blog posting goals for me? I think not, buddy!

I mean dude, what am I, 9 years old? WordPress Goal Meter, i’ll have you know that I am a 43 year old woman who pays her own bills and takes care of her responsibilities and obligations and I really don’t need you buttin’ in and telling me what my goals in life should be!

How dare you!

WordPress Goal Meter, I don’t know you! In the future I might suggest that you at least introduce yourself to WordPress Bloggers and get to know them for awhile before you start trying to run their lives like setting goals for them that you think they should complete! Hey that’s just common sense right there, buddy!

WordPress Goal Meter, let me break it down to you, YOU ARE NOT MY MOMMY, MY DADDY, A RELATIVE, A FRIEND, A CHILD OF MINE, A BOYFRIEND, ONE OF MY FORMER GRADE SCHOOL TEACHERS OR MY HUSBAND! WordPress Goal Meter, there ain’t no ring of yours on my finger, buddy!

Hell dude you ain’t even a one-night stand and you’re trying to tell me what to do! WordPress Goal Meter in the immortal words of kick-ass pop singer, Janet Jackson, sexually, “What Have You Done For Me Lately?” And my response to that is, “Not a damn thing!” So butt out, buddy!

In closing, in the future WordPress Goal Meter, I would really appreciate it if you would let me WordPress Blogger, Tina “Knowledgeable” Peden set my own goals. I think that I have earned that right.

After all, this is the United States of America, land of free will! WordPress Goal Meter instead of buttin’ into the lives of WordPress Bloggers try taking up a hobby or something like tennis or needlepoint.

In essense, get a life of your own WordPress Goal Meter!

Gee whiz!

Comments (6) »

%d bloggers like this: