Posts tagged Ass

HEY VAIN RICH GUYS, HERE’S SOME HELPFUL KICK IN THE ASS ADVICE IN REGARDS TO YOUR LOVE LIFE & OTHER THINGS!


Hey vain rich guys, since it is a new year, here is some unsolicited advice to help you get off to a good start.  So picture this fictional scenario.

Vain rich guys, you are currently in the “so damn glad that Christmas is over” cycle but unfortunately due to consuming all of those 180 proof eggnog cocktails on December 26th, 2013 white hot needles of hangover pain have thrown a less than glowing spotlight on your love life.

Looking back now at Christmas day 2013 you think that maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to insist on carving your blind date’s apple cranberry stuffed turkey with your new $90.00 gold-plated locker key to the fancy schmancy gym/spa that you belong to.  But unfortunately your bloodlust for control, attention and expensive worthless material shit clouded your judgment along with all of those damn 180 eggnog cocktails.

(Note to self:  I’m never drinking anything 180 proof ever again!  Well, at least not until Super Bowl Sunday at the country club.)

Anyhoo ……….

Vain rich guys, you also came to the realization that it also didn’t help your love life on Christmas day either when you threatened to tell all of the kids in your date’s neighborhood that Santa didn’t exist, pissing off your date even further, if they played one lyric of the classic Christmas song, “Holly Jolly Christmas” by Burl Ives in lieu of playing “Santa Baby” by Madonna because in your humble opinion even though Burl Ives can sing his big-ass off he still is so damn unattractive that he makes you want to puke Christmas tree shaped multi-colored vomit all over the place.

Burn!

So all in all vain rich guys, even though the above things may not have specifically happened to you, THE POINT IS, every vain rich guy should know that going through life judging people harshly by their looks, not using their noggin before saying stupid-ass things, shamelessly flaunting material possessions and acting like a moronic control freak will not only get you a well deserved kick in the ass and your ass kicked to the curb by any sane female but eventually will leave you a lonely pathetic masturbating fool.

Burn!

So vain rich guys, instead try turning over a brand spankin’ new $5,000 Ralph Lauren jock strap for the new year!  Vain rich guys, turn that stupid-ass trait upside down by using your material fortune to buy a small gift for a friend or purchasing some tasty but expensive-ass food for a homeless shelter!  And vain rich guys,  if you do feel the need to make a negative comment about somebody’s looks simply think the bad thing in your head and keep your damn mouth shut!

And vain rich guys, I really do hope that you have a happy and prosperous new year!

Leave a comment »

TINA “KNOWLEDGEABLE” PEDEN’S POP CULTURE DICTIONARY (VOLUME 14) WHAT DOES DISSED TO THE CURB MEAN?


(Definition) Dissed to the Curb occurs to a person who after running and flailing their arms around like a maniac in a desperate attempt to get the bus driver of the bus that they really need to catch to stop and wait for them finally the bus driver sees them or is alerted to their presence by one or more of the passengers already on the bus but inspite of all of this the bus driver totally disses their ass and continues to drive away anyway.

I will now use this phrase in a couple of sentences to clarify its meaning.

“I’m sooo sad that that happily married for 25 years bus driver got fired for intentionally Dissing to the Curb those 25 Kristen Stewart fans for wearing those lame-ass t-shirts supporting her in her hour of grief due to her cheating on her boyfriend, Robert Pattinson.”

“The bus driver on Route 666D to Hellion Texas told the passengers on the bus in between fits of hysterical laughter that Sister Baptista of the Totally Bitchin’ Order of Angelic Nuns should have had her dogooder-ass up at the bus stop at 10:35 am instead of stopping to help give CPR to that dying elderly man that she encountered on the way to the bus stop then she wouldn’t have gotten Dissed to the Curb by him. In other words, it was her own damn fault!”

“Omigod, Thor! Did you hear that Hercules just got arrested for shoving one thousand bus stop signs up an innocent motorist’s ass simply because he was so pissed off for getting Dissed to the Curb this afternoon and missed his monthly washed-up superheroes meeting? Man, that dude needs some serious help and some serious work!”

Leave a comment »

TINA “KNOWLEDGEABLE” PEDEN’S SEX & FOOD GUIDE! (VOLUME 3)


A great man named Tim Bayliss (portrayed brilliantly by actor, Kyle Secor) once said these kick-ass inspirational words to fellow homicide detective, Rene Sheppard (portrayed decently by the beautiful model/actress, Michael Michele) when she asked him how he would describe himself sexually in a ground breaking Season 7 episode entitled, Closet Cases, on the 90’s hit NBC television show, Homicide: Life on the Street and I happily and huskily quote……….

“Interested in the beauty and wonders of the universe, open to all of the various complexities and possibilities of existence, bicurious.”

Oh, yeah, Tim baby, oh yeah!

P.S.    To view this ground breaking scene from Season 7 of Homicide: Life on the Street please click on Tim Bayliss is bicurious and I love it!

And for those of you who don’t have the ability to read between the lines, big ol’ cute as a button boy next door officer with access to plenty of handcuffs Tim Bayliss meant that he was totally open to banging both women and men. Heteroflexible, to be more precise. Basically when it comes to sex, Tim Bayliss is open to more than one thing and anything goes.

So in honor of esteemed and kinky-ass officer Tim Bayliss no matter whether you are a heterosexual or homosexual guy or a heterosexual or homosexual gal, I want you to go online and purchase yourself a Sybian machine.

Once your Sybian machine arrives, strip down or leave all of your clothes on except for your drawers of course then sit yourself comfortably down on the machine. And it’s up to you how you want to take it. Ladies, you have the option to take it up the ass or the vagina. Guys, i’m afraid that your choices are a bit more limited and you have no choice but to take the Sybian machine’s dildo up the ass. Guys, boo hoo hoo for you! (Guys, i’m being totally sarcastic here because both you and I know that you are going to have some low down and dirty fun!)

Anyhoo once you select the speed of your choice on the Sybian, close your eyes and let the good vibrations wash all over you. Guys and gals don’t forget to take a couple of sips of the screwdriver (Vodka and orange juice) that you already mixed up and is sitting in a glass next to the Sybian machine.

And last but not least, while you are riding the Sybian and sipping your screwdriver don’t forget to do as Tim Bayliss did and think on bi terms. Gals whether it is your ultimate sexual fantasy to be double penetrated by two men at the same time or guys if it is your ultimate sexual fantasy to have a three way with a black woman and a white woman, just think in bi terms!

KNOWLEDGEABLE TIP: Remember, two is better than one! And when it comes to sex, two means double the fun! So again guys and gals when it comes to sex take the Tim Bayliss approach and be bicurious! Be open to all of the various complexities and possibilities of existence! And I guarantee that your sex life will get better because of your new bi attitude! Come on, don’t just live a little, live big! And also remember that curiosity may have killed the cat but it certainly didn’t kill the sex. Thank god!

Leave a comment »

TINA KNOWLEDGEABLE PEDEN’S SEX & FOOD GUIDE! (VOLUME 1)


For all of you nasty ass boys and gals or nasty ass gals and gals out there who love sex that hurts so good try the poppin’ ass cherry! Heteros and lesbos after some long-ass foreplay simply pop a package or two of cherry pop rocks up your lady’s snatch, put an ear up to it then once you hear that pussy go snap crackle pop then fellas insert that hot dick of yours or lesbos insert that hot dildo of yours into your lady’s poppin’ ass cherry pussy and get to pop pop poppin’ off yourself! Hey fellas and lesbos, after poppin’ off that dick or dildo in your lady’s pussy, ease your dick or dildo out then insert that poppin’ ass cherry dick or dildo into her ass and pop pop pop off in there too! And as a literal cherry on top – fellas and lesbos once you are finished poppin’ off in your lady’s pussy and ass take that cherry flavored dick or dildo out and when it comes to the secretions and cum left on that dick or dildo, do as Winona Ryder in the kick-ass 80’s cult movie classic, ‘Heathers’ says, “Lick it up baby! Lick it up!” In sex terms, couples when it comes to the poppin’ ass cherry every woman no matter how fucking experienced she is sexually can be pure as the driven snow again when it comes to this sexual technique.

KNOWLEDGEABLE TIP:   Hey couples, if your partner is an olympic secretor, then sop up some of that wet sticky cherry cum and put it into a tupperware container and refrigerate it then pop it out at least thirty minutes before your next sexual encounter and use it as homemade lubricant. Remember, in this economy even when it comes to sex, waste not want not baby! Waste not want not!

Leave a comment »

TINA “KNOWLEDGEABLE” PEDEN’S POP CULTURE DICTIONARY (VOLUME 13) WHAT IS A STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS BUG UP THE ASS?


(Definition) A State Of The Union Address Bug Up The Ass is literally a nasty-ass fungus or infection that goes straight up into your butthole and eventually settles itself in your brain and drives you absolutely bonkers once a year due to your favorite tv show, movie, commercial, video or infommercial being preempted by the President’s Stupid Ol’ Annual State Of The Union Address because like the subject trigonometry that you learn in high school the information in the President’s Annual State Of The Union Address is something that most Americans will never use and this major inconvenience really pisses alot of Americans the fuck off.

I will now use this phrase in a sentence to clarify its meaning.

“Dude, stay the fuck away from Constance for the rest of the day because she’s not only got a major case of Baby Fever but she’s also got a wicked nasty State Of The Union Address Bug Up The Ass! Dude, you know how much her totally obsessed ass worships those Johnson’s Baby Shampoo commercials. Dude, if you know what’s good for you, you’ll stay the fuck away from her!”

Leave a comment »

TINA “KNOWLEDGEABLE” PEDEN’S POP CULTURE DICTIONARY (VOLUME 12) WHAT IS THE RUBBING ALCOHOL RUSE?


(Definition) The Rubbing Alcohol Ruse is a devilishly clever code strategy that a sneaky-ass man or woman perpetrates by deliberately writing down the item, “rubbing alcohol” as a simple reminder to themselves to buy a large-ass quantity of liquor on their grocery lists in lieu of writing down the actual words vodka, Jim Beam, tequila, Jack Daniels or whatever the hell other spirit that the sneaky-ass man or woman wants to buy in order to cover their ass just in case any other pain-in-the-ass person in their life should see the grocery list such as a member of the clergy, the family doctor or a nosy-ass co-worker who’ll no doubt think that the sneaky-ass man or woman is a closeted alcoholic lush for buying so much booze and will no doubt joyfully spread this news to every Tom, Dick and Harry that they know or give communion wafers to thereby forcing the sneaky-ass man or woman to take the diabolic route to buying the intoxicants that they so desperately love.

I will now use this phrase in a sentence to clarify it’s meaning.

GROCERY LIST:

-Tomatoes

-Black Olives

-Lean Ground Beef

-Lettuce

-Cheddar Cheese

-Sour Cream

-Taco Sauce

-Hard & Soft Taco Shells

-Rubbing Alcohol (Invisible i.e. all the liquor I need to make those lethal-ass grandpa margaritas)

-Onion

-Tortilla Chips

-Guacamole

Father Breckinmeyer, it was so good of you to stop by! And by the by, before you leave can you do me a favor and please hand me my grocery list that’s being held securely by that big ol’ happy face magnet on the refrigerator? You see Father, i’m making tacos for dinner tonight and I will simply be cross with myself if I forget a single item (i.e. the booze for the grandpa margaritas) on my grocery list.

(Innocent smile flashed to the priest by the perpetrator and a low-down dirty snicker that no man of the cloth could possibly hear! Oh God! Oh Jesus! Oh how I simply adore The Rubbing Alcohol Ruse! Another low-down dirty snicker!)

Comments (1) »

TINA KNOWLEDGEABLE PEDEN’S DATING TIPS FOR MEN! (TIP 1) THIS ONE IS FOR MY NO NONSENSE BOYS!


Hey No Nonsense Guys, if during the course of your date the female that you are out with takes a bad spill due to the 10 inch stilleto heels that she is wearing, No Nonsense Guys do the right thing and help her ass up!

I know that this may be difficult for a No Nonsense Guy to do because your logical reasoning is that your female companion claimed previously to you before you asked her out on a date that she was a strong intelligent millenium woman and you feel strongly that you would be going against her wishes by helping her ass up because any strong intelligent millenium woman would have common sense enough to know not to step foot (pun intended) out of the damn house in a pair of 10 inch stilleto heels in the first damn place especially on a first date! I mean, what the fuck! What is this? The damn seventies! I mean, platform shoes are out baby girl!

No Nonsense Guys, I know that you think your female companion knew the damn risks when she put the 10 inch stilleto shoes on and her strong intelligent millenium ass knew damn well that it was more than probable during the course of the date that she would eventually either fall flat on her ass or face down kissin’ pavement thereby looking all stupid and shit in front of you and all of the other people in the establishment that you are a patron at. The shit was just fucking inevitable! So since she is a strong intelligent millenium woman she absolutely must take responsiblility for her own stupid-ass actions and she is also absolutely capable of scraping her own ass off of the floor and she absolutely doesn’t need you to help her do it being that she is a strong intelligent millenium woman.

No Nonsense Guys, I will concede that you have made several excellent points! I give you props for that HOWEVER no matter how much in your heart and soul that you think that it was entirely your date’s fault that she took a bad spill due to her own stupidity and she got exactly what she deserved by being totally stupid ass by wearing 10 inch stilleto heel shoes on your date, PLEASE GIVE HER A DAMN BREAK! (And to all of my 10 inch stilleto heel shoe wearing girls, no pun intended gurrrl, I really hope that you girls are okay and didn’t break any bones or anything!)

Anyhoo, movin’ on!

No Nonsense Guys, let me clue your rigid minds to the fact that your female companion only wore those stupid ass 10 inch stilleto shoes for your ass to entice you into noticing how sexy and beguiling her legs and feet are and how good those sexy legs and feet would look wrapped around your rigid-minded ass when you “do the nasty” later on so basically No Nonsense Guys by not helping your date’s ass up after she takes a bad spill in 10 inch stilleto heel shoes that she wore expressly for you, you are ruining your chances of “hittin’ that” or “gettin’ some” from your date later on which is incredibly stupid!

No Nonsense Guys, do the right and gentlemenly thing for your date, yourself and your penis by helping your date up after she falls on her ass or flat on her fucking face due to the 10 inch stilleto heel shoes that she was wearing for you.

Also give her another chance to prove to you that she truly is a strong intelligent millenium woman and not a total MO-ron for wearing 10 inch stilleto heel shoes on your date. (And by the by, I love the seventies and platform shoes! They totally rocked the boat and didn’t tip the boat or your date over! P.S. I love you Hues Corporation!)

Remember, No Nonsense Guys, your date is simply an innocent woman with stupid-ass retro judgment who simply wanted to look sexy for you on your date so that she could get into your pants later. No biggie! Please give her another chance!

But for all of my No Nonsense Guys who still are on the fence about whether to help your date’s ass up after she takes a bad spill due to the 10 inch stiletto heel shoes that she’s wearing because you don’t want to be an ENABLER! Dudes, get a damn life and get the fuck off of that high horse that you are on and you might also want to take that big-ass stick shoved up your ass too!

No Nonsense Guys, you are going to get some poontang later which is something most normal heterosexual guys want at the end of their dates! Especially on a first date! So stop being a total fucking MO-ron yourself and help your date up off of her ass or face when she takes a bad spill due to wearing 10 inch stiletto heel shoes on your date!

Geez!

Is chivalry truly dead in the millenium?

Leave a comment »

%d bloggers like this: