Posts tagged Blow Job

RETRO PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION GEMS: WHY AM I THE LAST ONE TO KNOW THAT DICK CHENEY HAS HIS OWN OFFICIAL VICE PRESIDENTIAL DIGS?


This is a piece that I wrote back in May 2008 on Instablogs for the 2008 Presidential Election. So jump into the retro time machine and enjoy a gem from 2008!

Hey!

Am I the only person in the United States of America who didn’t know that there was a Vice Presidential Mansion?

I feel so dumb!

I feel so left out!

I’m really hurt!

To think that I had to hear about this interesting fact on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno while he was telling a joke!

How come they didn’t teach this stuff back in the 70’s when I was in elementary school!

Damn catholic schools!

Why am I always the last to know things!

Why couldn’t I have read it in a text book in school just like everybody else!

Why must I always be left out of the loop!

I’m really hurt!

In fact, i’m devastated!

I just hope I have the fortitude to finish writing this story.

(Okay Tina, enough of this pity party, you can do it! Channel your emotions and finish writing this story! Okay?)

(Okay!)

P.S. I was briefly talking to myself but that’s over with now and i’m talking to you.

Anyhoo back to the show!

I mean, I knew that the Vice President lived somewhere, I knew the guy wasn’t exactly homeless or anything but I never thought that he had his own OFFICIAL residence!

It just sounds so formal!

You go, boy!

No offense to the Veep an all, but for me, i’m mostly all about the President and think of our Vice President as an afterthought.

But this whole Vice Presidential mansion thing has me looking at this guy in a whole new light.

I feel kinda’ proud of the guy.

Go figure!

Hey!

For those of you out there like me who also didn’t know that the Veep had an official residence either here’s a little info.

His digs are called Number One Observatory Circle.

A weird name I first thought too until I found out that the joint was located on the grounds of the United States Naval Observatory in Washington D.C. hence the name.

Duh!

The house was built in 1893 and Vice President Walter Mondale was the first Veep to live in the house full-time and every Veep since then has lived at Number One Observatory Circle.

Cool beans!

Gee whiz, why am I always the last person to know about things!

I just hope that there’s nothing else about the Veep that I don’t know.

If Dick Cheney has an Air Force 2 airplane or a tacky intern mistress ala’ Monica Lewinsky that everybody else knows about but me, i’m going to be totally pissed!

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THE NEED TO MURDER OR CUT PEOPLE THE FUCK UP IS NOT DEXTER MORGAN’S TRUE DARK PASSENGER, DAMMIT!


It’s false advertising, really. Just like when a triflin’ chick wears a padded push up bra to entice a guy only for the sweet innocent guy (loud-ass snicker) who only likes chicks with big jugs to unfortunately find out later when they are gettin’ it on that like Christopher Columbus and Ferdinand Magellan he has discovered the great American flat lands. Boo hoo hoo, sweet innocent guys! (Loud-ass snicker!) That’s what your asses get for bein’ so damn shallow! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Anyhoo gettin’ back to the damn subject of this blog post, hey dudes and dudettes, I have a question for yall, “Why does Dexter Morgan, ya’ know the lovable psycho serial killer with a soft spot for kids on Showtime’s hit tv show, Dexter ALWAYS answer his damn cellphone! I mean dudes, dudettes what the fuck is up with that sick shit? I mean it ain’t normal! It’s totally fuckin’ psycho for a normal human being to answer his cellphone all the time! Sacrilege, baby! Sacrilege! And okay people I know that Dexter Morgan isn’t exactly “normal” but still a psycho serial killer answering their cellphone all the time is in a psycho league all its own! Sacrilege!

I mean the majority of people in the world even crazy-ass serial killers when they are ill, busy, working, committing a murder, having a good time or hell, even enjoying a good dicking simply ignore answering their landline or cellphones but not Mr. High & Mighty Pledge Allegiance To The Code Of Harry, Dexter Morgan! No this selfish crazy-ass sonofabitch answers his damn cellphone 24/7! I mean sometimes Dexter will do the right and normal thing and let his cellphone go to voicemail! (God Bless America!) B-U-T and I mean a big-ass butt like Beyonce’s, Dex will ALWAYS answer his damn cellphone THEN let the bitch go to voicemail! Wtf??? Sacrilege, baby!

I’ll tell ya’ of all of the fucked up shit this psycho serial killer has done which includes going all “hammertime” in the fourth season on kick-ass actor, John Lithgow’s Trinity Killer in the end and in the sixth season goin’ all “sterotypical white boys can’t dance” by doing a horrid and shitty “hammertime” dance on the dance floor at his 20th high school reunion this answering his cellphone 24/7 shit really takes the damn cake! (And by the by people, it ain’t delicious mouth watering cake it’s that hard brittle dry-ass muthafuckin’ shit!) And people let me ask you this, “Who wants that shit?” Sure as hell, not me!

B-U-T apparently Dexter Morgan does and there ain’t a damn thing that I, Showtime, Harry, Astor and Cody or even sweet little Rita currently suckin’ dirt “six feet under” can do! (Hey yall, did yall get the “subtle” reference that I made to Michael C. Hall’s first major television role, David Fisher on HBO’s ground breaking show, Six Feet Under! Michael, you were extremely creepy and an extremely naughty boy on that show! And I loved every minute of it! I mean dude, getting a blow job from a fix-it guy while sitting on top of a washer in a funeral home, now that shit was pure genius! Plus, all of those hot-ass kissin’ scenes that you did with Mathew St. Patrick! They were hot Michael C. baby, they were hot! Dude, to be honest, when you married Jennifer Carpenter who incidentally plays your fictional sister on Dexter, which is a little creepy I was so damn disappointed because I thought you were one of the coolest and most positive role model gay guys on the planet! But I digress! Mostly because you’re now divorced. Woo hoo! Hey Michael, return to the gay side baby, return to the gay side! Anyhoo, what I originally planned to say before getting bogged down with all of this “six feet under” shit is that my play on words with “six feet under” in this blog post was pure genius and you guys and gals know it! Am I a conceited bitch? Yes, I am!)

Anyhoo, gettin’ back on point again, I know that Dexter is this hot shit blood spatter analyst with the Miami Metro Police Department and he helps to solve alot of crimes but big fucking deal! This is still no excuse for answering your cellphone ALL THE DAMN TIME! So when people say that Dexter Morgan’s dark passenger is his need to murder or cut people the fuck up, those bitches are dead wrong! Pun fucking intended! Dexter Morgan’s true dark passenger is his fucking inability to not answer his cellphone or any damn phone within a million mile radius! And it’s got to stop! This muthafucka’ needs help which is the primary reason that I am writing this blog post. Since everybody else on the planet is Alicia Silverstone-Clueless about Dexter Morgan’s Dark Passenger but i’m not but mostly because i’m smarter and cuter than most of you. Oh, snap! I, Tina Knowledgeable Peden am enlightening your fucking clueless asses!

So if there is a doctor or addiction program with a heart, screw that murder/cut people the fuck up shit, that’s totally irrelevant! PLEASE helps this muthafucka’ overcome his CELLPHONE ANSWERING ADDICTION because doctors or addiction programs if you don’t things are only going to get worse not just for him but for everybody on the planet! Today Dexter Morgan is answering his cellphone 24/7 tomorrow this muthafucka’ will be answering YOUR PHONE 24/7! And who the fuck wants that, sure as hell, not me! And I hope and pray that you don’t want that either! Doctor or addiction program please hear my plea and help a totally fucked up serial killer with a soft spot for kids the hell out before we all suffer!

A-fucking-MEN.

Thank you!

Tina Knowledgeable Peden has left the fucking building without answering her cellphone!

Woo hoo!

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RETRO PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION GEMS: (FIRST LADY BILL CLINTON, OH YEAH, I CAN FEEL THAT!)


This is a humor piece that I wrote for the 2008 presidential election back in March 2008. So, jump into the retro time machine and enjoy!

Being a former president, let’s face it, Bill Clinton has experience with first ladies not to mention White House interns, cigars, blue dresses and ugly women in general.

But I digress.

So now that the tables are turned Sadie Hawkins-style the burning question on every Laura Bush supporter’s mind is ………….

Can Bill Clinton step into his predecessor’s eloquent shoes to carry out his duties as hostess of the White House?

And if I can put my two cents in, I personally think that they should keep the “First Lady” title instead of changing it to “First Gentleman” if Hilary Clinton is elected, just for the hell of it plus the title “First Lady Bill Clinton” is hilarious and you know it!

Anyhow, back to the show.

Even though the job of “First Lady” has been labeled in the press as being nothing more than a glorified housewife, there is so much more to it. The job of First Lady entails taking complete charge of all social and ceremonial events in the White House.

To help the First Lady carry out these sometimes daunting and arduous tasks that these events usually require is her own personal staff consisting of a White House Social Secretary, Press Secretary, Chief Floral Designer, Chief of Staff, Executive Chef, etc.

What alot of people don’t know is that the Office of the First Lady is a branch of the Executive Office of the President. So basically, the job of First Lady entails more than just making fish sticks and fries and watching General Hospital. It can be alot of work!

And what alot of Laura Bush supporter’s want to know is if “Mr. Controversy”, Bill Clinton is up to the job.

My answer……….

Oh yeah baby, oh yeah!

(And incidentally are probably the same exact words that Bill Clinton was moaning as he was getting his “leader of the free world red white and blue” dick sucked by his “extremely unattractive girl you outta’ know better than suck the president’s married dick underling,”  Monica Lewinsky.)

Anyhoo, First Lady Bill Clinton, Oh Yeah, I Can Feel That!

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MATURE SEX: IS IT BETTER THAN SEX AS A YOUNG MAN?


That’s a hard question to answer because bottom line, no matter what you say you’re going to upset somebody. Basically there is no clear-cut black and white answer to this question due to the fact that:

On one side, you are going to have some people say, “yes,” sex is just like a fine wine, it only gets better with age.

While on the flip side of the coin, you are going to have some people say that you have the best sex of your life when you are young, dumb and full of you know what.

And then there are some people who will simply say that you can have great sex at any age.

But who is truly right?

Unfortunately, that is another question only each individual can answer for themselves.

But since I am 40 years old and on the cusp of the mature sex spectrum, I am going to say that sex is better when you are older and I am also going to give you a completely unbiased (Wink! Wink!) list of reasons why sex is better as an older adult.

P.S. Don’t hate me because I’m older, beautiful and want to have sex honey!.

Anyhoo, let us begin with the number one benefit of mature sex which is obviously, experience. Remember the old addage, “Practice Makes Perfect.”

Usually by the time that we are in our forties and fifties we are experienced enough to know how to perform fellatio properly, kiss our partner without drowning them in saliva and know where the hot spots are on our lover’s bodies that drives them wild.

One of the primary advantages of experience comes a little old thing that I like to call confidence which is something that the youths of today lack when it comes to sex.

When a person is confident he has the ability to take it all in stride when he can’t get an instant erection or sustain one or gets tired after a short while during sex unlike as a young man when failing to perform on cue seems like a matter of life or death or extreme embarrassment.

Bottom line, experience rocks!

A second benefit of mature sex is the most fun of all, experimentation!

For instance, whether you are single, committed or married, alot of older men want to keep their relationships fresh, prevent them from growing boring and most importantly prevent their partner from straying so are therefore less afraid than their younger counterparts to explore new horizons when it comes to sex which is so important today considering the massive amount of competition out there and especially in this world of sexually transmitted diseases and Glenn Close-Fatal Attraction psychos.

Let’s face it, nobody truly wants to grow older alone.

So many older adults know this, which is why they are more open to experimenting because they have so much more to lose than their younger counterparts.

Experimentation rocks baby!

A third benefit of mature sex is yet another obvious one.

It is called financial solvency.

Again sometimes when we want to spice up or experiment sexually in our love lives, let’s get real, our minds may scream, “Yes! Yes! Yes!” but our bodies may scream just the opposite.

Leading studies often show that at any age (18-80) sometimes performance problems can often arise whether they are physical or mental. Smart individuals eventually accept this fact and then seek some form of help.

Sometimes this help may include resorting to something a little more drastic or unorthodox such as seeking out a sex therapist, psychologist or even a sexual surrogate.

It may also involve things like high-tech sex toys, hotel rooms with room service, four star restaurants or even some salsa lessons.

And guys again let’s face it, these things ain’t cheap!

This is where having some money or kick-ass insurance definitely comes in handy!

Usually by the time we are of a mature age we are more financially stable or have more monetary or insurance help available to us than we had in our youth.

Basically being financially solvent can definitely help make mature sex lives better, rewarding and more fulfilling than in our youth!

Hooray for insurance, money and mature sex!

Case closed.

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