Posts tagged Candy


Gals, if your purse looks anything like mine (and I severely hope not) it’s hard to find anything due to the fact that I have so much shit in it that it looks like a portable walking rummage sale.

But all in all this doesn’t faze me.

I mean as long as I can pull out my cell phone, my most prized necessity within a couple of seconds, i’m fine.

And speaking of cell phones, I have figured out a very simple way to find this item asap and I am going to share my tip with you.

A few years ago ladies I started keeping my cell phone in a distinctive colored plastic eye glass case and ever since then I have never had any problems finding my cell phone in a hurry. Plus some other wonderful benefits of keeping my cell phone in a plastic eye glass case in my landfill of a purse that I get around to cleaning once every couple of months is:

-I have avoided getting my cell phone wet and ruining it due to the many bottles of lotion and hand sanitizer and pouches of Capri Sun Juices that I tote along in my purse.

-I have also avoided the arduous and lame-ass task of peeling off purse lint, stray hair from my pocket comb and multiple pieces of Jolly Ranchers Candy that have somehow come unwrapped from my cell phone.

-And sometimes when I am in a hurry I toss things in my purse carelessly which is no longer a problem because the eye glass case completely protects my cell phone from damage. So no matter if I toss a couple of coins, a sharp cornered compact disc, a heavy paperback book or a 20 ounce bottle of Mountain Dew in my purse abruptly, my cell phone is completely covered, literally!

So ladies if your purse is a portable junk drawer like mine is but you are too busy or too lazy to get rid of some of the clutter on a semi-regular basis but you still need to be able to locate your cell phone in a microsecond then take my advice and go out to your nearest Dollar Store, Dollar Tree, Kmart or Walmart and buy yourself a totally inexpensive but totally valuable in the long run plastic eye glass case to keep your cell phone in while it’s in your purse as soon as you possibly can!

WARNING: Your purse lint, stray hair from your pocket comb and Jolly Ranchers Candies certainly won’t like it but screw those bitches because the important thing is that YOU will personally like it and that’s all that matters.

P.S. And for those of you cell phone worry warts, if placed in the right plastic eye glass case you can still hear your cell phone ring as clear as a bell. No worries.

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SCRIPT TYPE: Long Electronic Greeting Card
TITLE: Valentine’s Day Smackdown 2005

Setting: This scene takes place in a Wrestling ring. There is a huge banner with words, Valentine’s Day Smackdown 2005, on it. It hangs over the ring.

Characters: In one corner you have Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. In an opposite corner you have Kevin Jamison and his wife Shelley. The announcer is in the middle of the ring. The announcer introduces the couples. He speaks loudly but clearly into the microphone. He points at each couple as he introduces them.

Announcer: “Our champs, Brad and Jennifer are rich, have glamourous careers, are ood-looking and physically fit.”

“The challengers, Kevin and Shelley currently live paycheck to paycheck, work at dead-end 9 to 5 jobs, are ordinary-looking and slightly overweight.”

“And the winner of Valentine’s Day Smackdown 2005 is Kevin and Shelley!”


“Because Kevin and Shelley will be CELEBRATING Valentine’s Day this year.”

(P.S. Brad and Jennifer won’t be because they separated in January 2005 mostly because of his adulterous love affair with that homewrecker humanitarian slut, Angelina Jolie.)

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Hey venture capitalists, if you dare, check out my unique business idea below!

The Red-Blooded American Male Gentlemen’s Club!

“The only health club for men in America where a man can get a good workout, a good stiff drink and a good ol’ fashioned lap dance that will probably cause one of his organs to become stiff all under the same roof!”

“Erotic physical fitness for today’s hot-blooded American male!”

Venture capitalist can open up a nationwide chain of health clubs for men ONLY in major cities like New York City, Los Angeles, Chicago, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Denver, Phoenix, St. Louis, Dallas et cetera with all of the amenities that a normal health club offers but with one unique amenity, lap dances.

This is easy breezy! Any advertising copy with the words “lap dance” in it or a photograph of a beautiful girl doing a lap dance aimed at red-blooded american males should do the trick. Also coupons can be utilized vigorously! For example, a free two week membership to the club which includes a complimentary lap dance could be offered then all the venture capitalist has to do is sit back and watch the word-of-mouth advertising and paid memberships come pouring in!

A Healthy Lap Dance!

A series of aerobic/athletic dance moves performed by an “e” or “v” girl either on the client’s lap or a few feet in front of him after his regular workout for the express purpose of raising the blood level in the client’s penis thereby giving his lucky-ass an additional workout and making him feel oh so good all over especially in the dick area!

“E” Girl! (A woman who has had sexual experience.)
“V” Girl! (A woman who has had no sexual experience or is a virgin.)
(Like Superman or Laverne from the tv show, Laverne and Shirley, each girl can wear a letter on her clothing to distinguish which she is.)

Girls selected should be of all races, different ages, various heights, weights and measurements. (There should be a girl for every client’s tastes who comes into the health club.) All girls must be in good health and be excellent dancers and be adept at learning new moves and routines.

The plug or ultimate reason why guys should come to this health club over every other should be the lap dances. Fresh, exciting and titillating dance routines accompanied with sexy leotards, short shorts and other unique workout clothing should really pack a punch!

The music should set the pace for each lap dance! Any and every style of music can be played while the “e” or “v” girls perform their routines but the song that MUST be played on the first lap dance of the day is the song, “Music” by Madonna. This song really gets the party going! And here are a couple of other songs that your “v” or “e” girls might want to consider performing to:

-Do It Till Your Satisfied by B.T. Express
-Sweat by C&C Music Factory
-Physical by Olivia Newton John
-Kung Fu Fighting by Carl Douglas
-Get It On Bang A Gong by The Power Station
-Like A Virgin by Madonna (or basically any song by Madonna will do.)

MAJOR SUGGESTION(S): Early on a signature dance or routine should be established for the health club to get the buzz going! One of the venture capitalist’s first moves in getting this venture off of the ground should be to hire a kick-ass choreographer asap!

For those clients who are still kinky-ass kids at heart, choreographer’s try coming up with a fun dance routine to the above mentioned song, Get It On Bang A Gong by The Power Station. The catch being all the dance moves performed for the client have to be performed on a “Twister” board. Do you remember the game, “Twister,” where approximately four people played and each one of them had to put one of their body parts on a certain colored circle? Wasn’t that fun! Oh God, I remember all of those tangled up body parts! And I bet you alot of red-blooded American guys would love to see four beautiful girls in sexy aerobic outfits performing a kick-ass, tangled up-ass routine on a “Twister” board and on their laps too! I mean it’s just what the doctor ordered after a good workout!

-Weight/Nautilus Area
-Shower/Bathtub/Locker Room Area
-Business Area (Internet, fax, phone, copier, etc.)
-Message/Steam Room Area
-Food & Drink Bar (Food should consist of healthy things like: fruits, veggies, or nuts and decadent things too like ice cream, french fries or chocolate. Drinks served can be anything from milk, bottled water, soda or an alcoholic drink like a screwdriver which is part vodka and part orange juice. Since the girls who do the lap dances are called either “e” or “v” girls you can apply this terminology to the drinks too. You can serve “v” drinks or virgin drinks that contain no alcohol. You can also serve “e” drinks or experienced drinks that contain alcohol. If you do serve alcoholic drinks have the client sign a waiver of liablility or responsiblilty in case of an accident or limit the number of alcoholic drinks per day that a client can have at the club. Also for the red-blooded male with a raunchy sense of humor, “suggestive” snacks like “nuts,” “balls,” a long celery or carrot stick stuck in the middle of a mound of dip can represent an erect dick surrounded by a puddle of cum, two scoops of ice cream with chocolate chips on top can represent tits and nipples, banana bread cut into a triangle with squiggly black frosting on top can represent the pussy and pubic hair. Let’s face it, “suggestive” snacks are fun and big sellers especially after a long tiring workout!)
-Cooling Off/Lay Dreaming Center (A cool and calming room/place that men can go to sit or lay down and relax or dream after they have had their healthy lap dance. Cold drinks should be allowed in this area.)
-Gift Shop
-Candy Store (For those clients who will always be true kids at heart or for those clients who are down right kinky baby, items such as licorice ropes to play s&m bondage games and pixy stix to pour and lick off their partner’s body and much much more can be sold as well.)
-Physician/Doctor’s Office (Onsite staff should include a doctor, nurse, certified or licensed nursing assistant, medical secretary. There should always be a doctor or nurse in each club because you never know exactly how a lap dance by a hot girl will affect a man’s heart or other organs. So just to be safe and secure, always employ medical staff and have the client sign a waiver of liability or responsiblility.)
-Onsite Bouncer/Security Guards
-Gift Shop
-Photographer/Photo Shop (A roaming photographer can be hired to take pictures of guys getting lap dances and their family or friends reactions, etc. Photos can also be spontaneous or staged too.)
-Public/Private Restrooms
-Stage/Lap Dance Performance Area With Spotlight
-Private/Personal Lap Dance Rooms
-Lap Dance/Personal Dance
-In House DJ (Disc Jockey)
-“E” and “V” Girls

-Public Restrooms
-Dance Studio
-Storage Areas
-Conference Rooms

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With Valentine’s Day always around the corner, I decided that I had better get going writing my greeting cards. Here is a Valentine’s Day greeting card that I wrote for the masses.

Back in my day, on Valentine’s Day we exchanged cards with all of the other kids in school.

When I didn’t get a card from a classmate that I liked (or disliked for that matter),




Which is why this Valentine’s Day I felt it was so very important to let you know three things, my love:

FIRST, you are a perfect 10 with faults and I love each and every one of them plus everything else about you!

SECOND, you will never be alone because I love you and I can’t live in this great big ol’ world without you!

THIRD, just in case you haven’t already figured out the theme of this Valentine’s Day card, I will say it again and again and again and many more times in our blessed future together, “I Love You!”


(Consider this gift to go along with the card–Red or pink roses, chocolates or candy in a heart-shaped box.)

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Lately, have you actually yawned or fallen asleep during sex? Is watching paint dry on a wall more exciting than your sex life? Is “foreplay” a foreign word to you?

If you answered, “yes,” to any of the above questions, it’s time to up the five alarm chili factor in your sex life.

“How do I do that?” some of you out there with boring and not so boring sex lives may ask.

Well, I am here to help you with that.

Before we get started, I am going to warn you that from here on in some of the things that I am going to talk about may make you feel a little uncomfortable or make your temperature rise, because let’s face it, folks, we may be living in the year 2010 but when it comes to sex we might as well still be living in the 1800s because there are still so many taboos when it comes to talking about sex especially boring or bad sex out in the open.

But folks, again let’s face it, if a person wants to really and truly improve their sex life they need to hear straight-forward information about sex no matter how uncomfortable it may make them feel.

And folks, I will promise you this. I was brought up to be a lady and I will try to be as lady-like (and not vulgar) as possible on this subject.

So let’s get started!

To add that five alarm chili factor into our sex lives we often forget one of the most important things which is to go back to basics, honey.

Remember when you were a kid what a great imagination you had? You were bold, you were fearless. Well, to get that five alarm chili factor, you have to get that childhood imagination of yours back and channel it into your adult sex life. Literally!

It’s simple, really.

Tip 1: I Want Candy!

Pay a visit to asap and try some of the following boring sex busters!

Couples, buy a couple of “candy necklaces,” put them on and whenever you feel like it take “love bites” off of each other’s necklaces. Who knows, you may not only get a few hickeys out of it just like from your teenybopper days but it may also be the inspiration that kicks off a passionate night of hot sex.

Couples, try buying some “licorice ropes” and when your lover least expects it, take them off guard by tying them to the bedpost or a chair and slowly and seductively eat off the candy binding. Fun, fun for the binder and bindee!

For an explosive kiss. couples put 2 or 3 “pop rocks” into your mouth and give your lover one hell of a french kiss! Dynomite!

Ladies, try this foreplay teaser. Before sex, open up the package containing the candy dipping stick (it looks like a long piece of chalk) from the “Lik M Aid Fun Dip Pack” then take out the candy dipping stick. Next, proceed to suckle loudly on the tip of the candy dipping stick alternating between moving it in and out of your mouth. This foreplay teaser is point blank a simulated oral sex act that most men are very familiar with and usually enjoy.

Guys, select your favorite “Pixy Stix” flavor and pour it anywhere on your lover’s body and lick it off. Trust me, it will be one of the best meals that you ever had.

Couples, give your lover a hand job by putting on a “Ring Pop” and pretend that you are a king and a queen wearing a diamond, ruby or emerald and take turns suckling on each other’s candy ring. Don’t forget to kiss each others fingertips and caress your lover’s hand too.

Basically couples, use your imagination, experiment and incorporate candy into your sex life.

Tip 2: Turn Bored Games Into Board Games!

Pay a visit to and try this boring sex buster.

Couples, remember the game, “Twister?” It’s motto was, “The game that ties you up in knots! Spin the dial, then move hands or feet from one colored circle to another!” Remember? So why not play? Shake things up by challenging your lover to a friendly game of Twister and hopefully with all of that laughing, tangled limbs, his booty in your face and your breasts in his face will make the game go from friendly to totally erotic.

Tip 3: Play Dress Up, Baby!

Pay a visit to or and try the following boring sex busters.

Couples, buy a costume, whether it be a sexy fireman, demure schoolgirl or something as silly as a big bird costume and boldly parade around your bedroom or hotel room for each other while reciting a dirty limerick, doing the moonwalk, or singing loudly off-key. Do whatever you want in that costume. The important thing is to have fun. And remember couples, having fun can lead to having great sex.

Guys, give your lady a wicked fun treat. Buy a sexy nightgown and a garter, put them on and lay down seductively across your bed. Try hard not to laugh hysterically when your lady comes home to find you dressed in women’s lingerie draped across her bed. And guys, if you can’t find a nightgown that fits you, go to your nearest fabric store and buy a couple of yards of lace in the color of your choice and wrap it around your naked body. Guys improvise and use your imagination in the bedroom for your lady’s pleasure!

Gals, if you are on a budget or strapped for cash, look no further than your own closet to turn your man on. Gals, go to your closet and put on as many layers of clothing as you can then dare your man to take off all of your clothes in a certain time frame such as 2 minutes. If he completes the challenge in the time allotted then reward him with the sexual favor of his choice.

I said it before and I will say it again for the last time, couples, use your imagination, experiment and incorporate playing dress up into your sex life and turn your boring sex life five alarm chili hot!

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