Posts tagged Christmas

IN THE GOD CLUB!


(Verse 1)
-Come and join
-Give a coin
-Praise the lord
-Salvation’s the reward

(Chorus)
-In the God club, you’re in
-Cleanse the soul of many a sin
-Gain a new family who wants you to win
-Learn bout Jesus, fish, loaves and wine, sorry no gin
-The church gives you a chance to start over, be born again
-Amen, hallelujah, i’m ready, so let the baptism and my new spiritual life begin

(Verse 2)
-Bible study
-Bring a buddy
-Priest in black
-Confessional yak

(Chorus)

(Verse 3)
-Christmas mass
-Beautiful stained glass
-Birthday Jesus
-Joyous day pleases us

(Chorus)

(Verse 4)
-It’s okay if you’re not a sweetie
-Remorse and change absolutely must be
-We all have in life crosses to bear
-I will do my best to overcome them oh God, I swear

(Chorus)

(Verse 5)
-Now that I am a God club member I will pray
-Diligently serve you by doing good everyday
-Forgive me God for the past, today hear my new voice
-Hooray, I am now a christian, it’s time for me to rejoice

(Chorus)

Amen

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HEY VAIN RICH GUYS, HERE’S SOME HELPFUL KICK IN THE ASS ADVICE IN REGARDS TO YOUR LOVE LIFE & OTHER THINGS!


Hey vain rich guys, since it is a new year, here is some unsolicited advice to help you get off to a good start.  So picture this fictional scenario.

Vain rich guys, you are currently in the “so damn glad that Christmas is over” cycle but unfortunately due to consuming all of those 180 proof eggnog cocktails on December 26th, 2013 white hot needles of hangover pain have thrown a less than glowing spotlight on your love life.

Looking back now at Christmas day 2013 you think that maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to insist on carving your blind date’s apple cranberry stuffed turkey with your new $90.00 gold-plated locker key to the fancy schmancy gym/spa that you belong to.  But unfortunately your bloodlust for control, attention and expensive worthless material shit clouded your judgment along with all of those damn 180 eggnog cocktails.

(Note to self:  I’m never drinking anything 180 proof ever again!  Well, at least not until Super Bowl Sunday at the country club.)

Anyhoo ……….

Vain rich guys, you also came to the realization that it also didn’t help your love life on Christmas day either when you threatened to tell all of the kids in your date’s neighborhood that Santa didn’t exist, pissing off your date even further, if they played one lyric of the classic Christmas song, “Holly Jolly Christmas” by Burl Ives in lieu of playing “Santa Baby” by Madonna because in your humble opinion even though Burl Ives can sing his big-ass off he still is so damn unattractive that he makes you want to puke Christmas tree shaped multi-colored vomit all over the place.

Burn!

So all in all vain rich guys, even though the above things may not have specifically happened to you, THE POINT IS, every vain rich guy should know that going through life judging people harshly by their looks, not using their noggin before saying stupid-ass things, shamelessly flaunting material possessions and acting like a moronic control freak will not only get you a well deserved kick in the ass and your ass kicked to the curb by any sane female but eventually will leave you a lonely pathetic masturbating fool.

Burn!

So vain rich guys, instead try turning over a brand spankin’ new $5,000 Ralph Lauren jock strap for the new year!  Vain rich guys, turn that stupid-ass trait upside down by using your material fortune to buy a small gift for a friend or purchasing some tasty but expensive-ass food for a homeless shelter!  And vain rich guys,  if you do feel the need to make a negative comment about somebody’s looks simply think the bad thing in your head and keep your damn mouth shut!

And vain rich guys, I really do hope that you have a happy and prosperous new year!

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TWO OF MRS. CLAUS’ NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS FOR 2013!


(Mrs. Claus’ New Year’s Resolution 1!)
-Offer to perform 69 with Santa in lieu of having to sing 1 more goddamn’ Christmas carol to 666 snot-nosed fucking brats on Christmas eve.

AND

(Mrs. Claus’ New Year’s Resolution 2!)
-Use my hot cross buns vibrator with the frankincense & myrrh clitoral stimulator only during Lent so that way I won’t have to give up “meat” altogether because lord knows I ain’t gettin’ any from Santa.

ANYHOO, MERRY CHRISTMAS & HAPPY NEW YEAR, FOLKS!

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JESUS’ FROSTED FEET & HIS HOT CROSS BUNS! (A POEM BY TINA KNOWLEDGEABLE PEDEN)


Here is a poem that I wrote for the upcoming Christmas season. Enjoy!

Thank you Jesus Christ for the
hot cross buns this Christmas
they simply can’t be beat!

And to worship, praise and
thank you for your sacrifice
I kiss the bottom of the
vanilla frosting cross on the
hot cross bun as if it were
your precious feet.

It’s the least that I can do
for you every Christmas for
being the inspiration behind
the ultimate religious sweet
before I eat.

Merry Christmas and Happy
New Year to you Jesus Christ
who I hope one day to meet
in heaven and personally
thank for many years of feasting
on this delightful holiday
spiced treat!

Hey Jesus Christ & Hot Cross Buns
you both rule the earth and
are both super neat!

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TINA “KNOWLEDGEABLE” PEDEN’S WACKY-ASS BUSINESS IDEAS & VENTURES FOR CHRISTMAS TIME IN THE NYC! (LIGHTBULB 4)


Hey Broadway, Lincoln Center or Radio City Music Hall but in particular Radio City Christmas Spectacular, I couldn’t help but notice that some of your Christmas productions are really quite beautiful!

However……….

I have also noticed that some of your Christmas productions have also taken a big-ass dose of ex-lax and become quite regular.

And Broadway, Lincoln Center or Radio City Music Hall but in particular Radio City Christmas Spectacular, sometimes that regularity shit ain’t good.

I mean, come on ya’ll, it’s Christmas and it’s the Big Apple for Christ’s sake!

Ya’ll bitches really need to shake it up and show the world that NYC still has some kick-ass Christmas cred.

And low and behold, I, Tina Knowledgeable Peden, am here to help ya’ll with that.

Hey!

Red and green lightbulb!

Hey Broadway, Lincoln Center or Radio City Music Hall but in particular Radio City Christmas Spectacular, have you hallowed bastions of Christmas glory ever considered doing a special Xmas version of the hit 1986 song, Yah Mo B There by Michael McDonald and James Ingram?

To further bolster my yuletide business lightbulb, check out these kick-ass holy spiritual lyrics:

Yah Mo B There!

(Song Lyrics By James Ingram/Michael McDonald/Rod Temperton/Quincy Jones)

(Verse 1)

Heavenly father watching us all
We take from each other and give nothing at all
Well it’s a dog-gone shame
But never too late for change
So if your luck runs low
Just reach out and call his name, his name

[Chorus]

Yah mo be there (up and over)
Yah mo be there (up and over)
Yah mo be there (up and over)
Yah mo be there (up and over)
Whenever you call

(Verse 2)

Never be lonely lost in the night
Just run from the darkness
Looking for the light
‘Cause it’s a long hard road
That leads to a brighter day (hey)
Don’t let your heart grow cold
Just reach out and call his name, his name

[Chorus]
Yah mo be there (up and over)
Yah mo be there (up and over)
Yah mo be there (up and over)
Yah mo be there (up and over)
Whenever you call

(Verse 3)

You can count on it brother
‘Cause we’re all just finding our way
Travelling through time
People got to keep pushing on
No matter how many dreams slip away
Yah will be there

(Verse 4)

Well it’s a dog-gone shame
But never too late for change
So when your luck runs low
Just reach out and call his name, his name

Yah mo be there, I will be there
Yah mo be there, When you need a friend
Yah mo be there, yeah ill be there whenever you call

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Now ain’t those song lyrics beautiful but cool!

And you know

Broadway, Lincoln Center or Radio City Music Hall but in particular Radio City Christmas Spectacular what would be even cooler?

It would be oh so cool to see a Jesus look-a-like and a big ol’ jolly Santa look-a-like up on your big-ass stages performing the song Yah Mo B There at Christmas time in front of the masses!

It would definitely be something different and break you out of your ex-lax regularity shit cycle.

I’ll tell ya’ NYC that even I would pay big money to see Jesus and Santa doing a soulful rendition of the song, Yah Mo B There while at the same time shakin’ their booties and gettin’ down with their good selves to this song.

(P.S. That’s some ultra-funny but ultra-inspiring shit!)

So Broadway, Lincoln Center or Radio City Music Hall but in particular Radio City Christmas Spectacular do yourselves a big-ass favor and get off of your ex-lax asses and immediately license the song, Yah Mo B There for a musical production, pay the astronomical licensing fee, write a kick-ass musical number, rehearse the heck out of it then when the time is right, i.e. November 9th – December 30th start performing the hell, pun intended and sorry Jesus, outta that baby! And watch the yuletide dollars come rolling or should I say, prancing in!

By the by, Broadway, Lincoln Center or Radio City Music Hall but in particular Radio City Christmas Spectacular you NYC giants might also want to consider teaming up with Lance Manufacturing, LLC because they are the owners of the Archway Cookies brand in order to sell their ever popular Bells & Stars Christmas Cookies during your holiday musical performances and in exchange Lance/Archway could put photos of either Broadway, Lincoln Center or Radio City Music Hall but in particular Radio City Christmas Spectacular on their cookie packages to further promote your Christmas holiday performances. That way you’ll have profitable but tasty Christmas dollars prancing in at Xmas every year! And what a lovely yet delicious Christmas tradition that would make!

Hallelujah and Amen!

And another P.S. Broadway, Lincoln Center or Radio City Music Hall but in particular Radio City Christmas Spectacular if you really want to break out of your ex-lax regularity shit cycle, you might also want to consider performing two other Michael McDonald songs for your Christmas productions.

Perform the song, I Keep Forgetting, with a Jesus look-a-like, a Santa look-a-like, and a female vocalist of your choice wearing Blues Brothers type hats and call the group “The Heavenly Hats.”

And perform the song, Sweet Freedom, with a Jesus look-a-like, a Santa look-a-like, and a male vocalist of your choice wearing Blues Brothers type red, white and blue hats and call the group “The Heavenly Hats.” And don’t forget to add in a dancing Statue of Liberty!

That way you’ll have three kick-ass Christmas musical numbers to represent and give kick-ass cred to the NYC!

Really take a bite out of the big candied apple at Christmas time this year!

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“OH CHRIST, I GOT BABY FEVER!” A SONG AND PRAYER WRITTEN BY TINA KNOWLEDGEABLE PEDEN!


Hey since retailers start selling Christmas merchandise so early anyway I decided to jump on their bandwagon and do a revamping of a song that I wrote back in January 2012.  Enjoy and have yourself an early Merry Christmas! And Happy Early Birthday, Jesus!

This song can either be performed in the spoken word or it can be sung.

Verse 1:

Hey mom, gross, I really hate this chicken croquette,

I can’t eat this crap if i’m going to be a Radio City Music Hall Rockette,

Just you wait and see mama i’m gonna’ be the best dancer on that stage yet,

With the best-looking gams in the whole wide world, a perfect high-kicking set,

Oh mom will you please give me a break and quit harpin’ on my lousy ettiquette,

Mom, I really do love ya’ but you are the lamest chick that I have ever met!

Chorus:

Oh Christ, I got baby fever and there’s only one cure,

Johnson’s Baby Shampoo almost 100% pure,

Dr. Seuss prescribed me a big ol’ dose of “Cat in the Hat,”

No green eggs or ham or Jack Sprat,

Just a cradle with a beautiful baby in it, skinny or fat,

A maternal inferno is burning deep down inside of me,

And Christ, it will never stop until i’m a mommy!

To put it simply, Lord, I want a baby!

Verse 2:

Hey dad, I really love this corndog on a stick,

But I can’t have too many of them if i’m gonna’ be a New York Knick,

Just you wait and see papa i’m gonna’ be selected first round draft pick,

With the best darn jump shot in the league cause’ my skills are seriously sick,

Oh dad, will you please give me a break i’m not a stamp that needs a lick,

Dad, I really love ya’ but there are plenty of ballplayers like me with a stubborn cowlick,

So leave my hair alone and stop crying those totally lame proud parent tears like really quick!

They are sooo gross, I mean really dad, ick!

Chorus:

Oh Christ, I got baby fever and there’s only one cure,

Johnson’s Baby Shampoo almost 100% pure,

Dr. Seuss prescribed me a big ol’ dose of “Cat in the Hat,”

No green eggs or ham or Jack Sprat,

Just a cradle with a beautiful baby in it, skinny or fat,

A paternal inferno is burning deep down inside of me,

And Christ, it will never stop until i’m a daddy!

To put it simply, Lord, I want a baby!

Verse 3:

Bottles and booties all over the place, everywhere,

Many sleepless nights and wild-looking disheveled hair,

I’m not talking to you dad cause’ i’m grounded glued to this rotten chair,

Young man, i’m only doing this so you’ll be morally-rounded cause’ I care,

Baby shake rattle, baby shake rattle, baby shake rattle, in the air,

Kids bedtime, this as a loving but tired father, I do happily declare!

Chorus:

Oh Christ, I got baby fever and there’s only one cure,

Johnson’s Baby Shampoo almost 100% pure,

Dr. Seuss prescribed me a big ol’ dose of “Cat in the Hat,”

No green eggs or ham or Jack Sprat,

Just a cradle with a beautiful baby in it, skinny or fat,

A paternal inferno is burning deep down inside of me,

And Christ, it will never stop until i’m a daddy!

To put it simply, Lord, I want a baby!

Verse 4:

My biological clock is going tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock, there’s no escape,

I have a dream of reading aloud to my kids “Hickory Dickory Dock” and tales of “Grape Ape,”

Sex, pregnancy and a whole bunch of recorded dvd and many a videotape,

Merry Christmas mommy, how do I look all dressed up as a shepherd in my big brother’s old white cape,

Tears come to my eyes as I watch my child in the Christmas pageant up on the stage with my mouth totally agape,

How in the world Carmen Sandiego did he get all of that scotch tape to stay up around his nape, my oh my, what a cool drape!

Chorus:

Oh Christ, I got baby fever and there’s only one cure,

Johnson’s Baby Shampoo almost 100% pure,

Dr. Seuss prescribed me a big ol’ dose of “Cat in the Hat,”

No green eggs or ham or Jack Sprat,

Just a cradle with a beautiful baby in it, skinny or fat,

A maternal inferno is burning deep down inside of me,

And Christ, it will never stop until i’m a mommy!

To put it simply, Lord, I want a baby!

Verse 5:

So big boy I hope you got the message and that I made myself crystal clear,

Okay Mama, let’s make a baby is the only thing that I want to hear,

Because boy oh boy or should I say girl oh girl I am oh so ready for this my dear,

So lover, take me in your arms and let’s start this baby-making party off with a kiss that will scorch and sear,

Hey big boy, I want you to know that I love you and there’s no pressure here,

But the only thing that I want for Christmas is to have your baby by the end of next year!

Cheers!

Chorus:

Oh Christ, I got baby fever and there’s only one cure,

Johnson’s Baby Shampoo almost 100% pure,

Dr. Seuss prescribed me a big ol’ dose of “Cat in the Hat,”

No green eggs or ham or Jack Sprat,

Just a cradle with a beautiful baby in it, skinny or fat,

A maternal and paternal inferno is burning deep down inside of me,

And Christ, it will never stop until we’re a mommy and daddy!

To put it simply, Lord, we want a baby!

Verse 6:

It’s nice to know that us humans on earth are not alone and that we are all truly God’s children through and through,

Because one day over two thousand years ago God himself had a major case of baby fever too,

He chose Mary to be the mother of his baby and Joseph to watch over them even though to what was going on neither of them really didn’t have a clue,

But they both loved and trusted God so they let this guide them and their hearts also told them that this unusual miraculous request was the right thing to do,

And on Christmas Day a long time ago a baby boy named Jesus was born in a stable in Bethlehem wrapped in swaddling clothes lying in a manger that was far from new,

Shepherds and wise men from different places all over the world traveled to Bethlehem to praise this new king, bring him gifts and to see if this wonderful miracle was really true,

But in their heart of hearts they already knew that Jesus the Saviour, their king, was born for one and all, expressly for me and you,

So today and every year we celebrate his birthday, Christmas Day,  at different places all over the world because he is the one thing that unites us all together, he is our special spiritual glue!

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS, WE LOVE YOU!

AND GOD WE ALSO LOVE YOU VERY MUCH TOO!

THANK YOU FOR HAVING A MAJOR CASE OF BABY FEVER UP IN HEAVEN JUST LIKE US HUMANS ON EARTH DO!

Chorus:

Oh Christ, I got baby fever and there’s only one cure,

Johnson’s Baby Shampoo almost 100% pure,

Dr. Seuss prescribed me a big ol’ dose of “Cat in the Hat,”

No green eggs or ham or Jack Sprat,

Just a manger with a beautiful baby boy in it, skinny or fat,

An almighty paternal inferno is burning deep down inside of me,

And Christ, it will never stop until a God like me is a daddy!

To put it simply, Lord, and I know that I am talking to myself, I, the Lord Almighty want a baby!

It’s time for even me to be a daddy!

Prayer:

Oh Lord in heaven, give me strength, please help me,

Cause’ I know at times i’m gonna’ have my work cut out for me,

I know that being a good mama or papa ain’t always gonna’ be easy,

But I don’t care, that part doesn’t even bother or faze me,

Cause’ i’ll happily take on this parental challenge given unto thee,

Lord, this christian soldier is oh so ready to raise a good loving family,

One that will offer up love and praise to you everyday faithfully,

Oh Christ, I got baby fever and their’s only one cure,

A beautiful living legacy created by me for you that will forever endure!

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WHENEVER YOU NEED A GOOD LAUGH, TRY THIS WEBSITE!


Hey guys, are you feeling down?

Hey gals, are your spirits low?

If so, pay a visit to the following website below and get your laughter on!

And as Heath Ledger’s awesome character, The Joker in the hit movie, The Dark Knight would say, “And here we go!”

To view the website please click on “I seriously need a good laugh!”

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