Posts tagged Christmas

IN THE GOD CLUB!


(Verse 1)
-Come and join
-Give a coin
-Praise the lord
-Salvation’s the reward

(Chorus)
-In the God club, you’re in
-Cleanse the soul of many a sin
-Gain a new family who wants you to win
-Learn bout Jesus, fish, loaves and wine, sorry no gin
-The church gives you a chance to start over, be born again
-Amen, hallelujah, i’m ready, so let the baptism and my new spiritual life begin

(Verse 2)
-Bible study
-Bring a buddy
-Priest in black
-Confessional yak

(Chorus)

(Verse 3)
-Christmas mass
-Beautiful stained glass
-Birthday Jesus
-Joyous day pleases us

(Chorus)

(Verse 4)
-It’s okay if you’re not a sweetie
-Remorse and change absolutely must be
-We all have in life crosses to bear
-I will do my best to overcome them oh God, I swear

(Chorus)

(Verse 5)
-Now that I am a God club member I will pray
-Diligently serve you by doing good everyday
-Forgive me God for the past, today hear my new voice
-Hooray, I am now a christian, it’s time for me to rejoice

(Chorus)

Amen

Leave a comment »

HEY VAIN RICH GUYS, HERE’S SOME HELPFUL KICK IN THE ASS ADVICE IN REGARDS TO YOUR LOVE LIFE & OTHER THINGS!


Hey vain rich guys, since it is a new year, here is some unsolicited advice to help you get off to a good start.  So picture this fictional scenario.

Vain rich guys, you are currently in the “so damn glad that Christmas is over” cycle but unfortunately due to consuming all of those 180 proof eggnog cocktails on December 26th, 2013 white hot needles of hangover pain have thrown a less than glowing spotlight on your love life.

Looking back now at Christmas day 2013 you think that maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to insist on carving your blind date’s apple cranberry stuffed turkey with your new $90.00 gold-plated locker key to the fancy schmancy gym/spa that you belong to.  But unfortunately your bloodlust for control, attention and expensive worthless material shit clouded your judgment along with all of those damn 180 eggnog cocktails.

(Note to self:  I’m never drinking anything 180 proof ever again!  Well, at least not until Super Bowl Sunday at the country club.)

Anyhoo ……….

Vain rich guys, you also came to the realization that it also didn’t help your love life on Christmas day either when you threatened to tell all of the kids in your date’s neighborhood that Santa didn’t exist, pissing off your date even further, if they played one lyric of the classic Christmas song, “Holly Jolly Christmas” by Burl Ives in lieu of playing “Santa Baby” by Madonna because in your humble opinion even though Burl Ives can sing his big-ass off he still is so damn unattractive that he makes you want to puke Christmas tree shaped multi-colored vomit all over the place.

Burn!

So all in all vain rich guys, even though the above things may not have specifically happened to you, THE POINT IS, every vain rich guy should know that going through life judging people harshly by their looks, not using their noggin before saying stupid-ass things, shamelessly flaunting material possessions and acting like a moronic control freak will not only get you a well deserved kick in the ass and your ass kicked to the curb by any sane female but eventually will leave you a lonely pathetic masturbating fool.

Burn!

So vain rich guys, instead try turning over a brand spankin’ new $5,000 Ralph Lauren jock strap for the new year!  Vain rich guys, turn that stupid-ass trait upside down by using your material fortune to buy a small gift for a friend or purchasing some tasty but expensive-ass food for a homeless shelter!  And vain rich guys,  if you do feel the need to make a negative comment about somebody’s looks simply think the bad thing in your head and keep your damn mouth shut!

And vain rich guys, I really do hope that you have a happy and prosperous new year!

Leave a comment »

TWO OF MRS. CLAUS’ NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS FOR 2013!


(Mrs. Claus’ New Year’s Resolution 1!)
-Offer to perform 69 with Santa in lieu of having to sing 1 more goddamn’ Christmas carol to 666 snot-nosed fucking brats on Christmas eve.

AND

(Mrs. Claus’ New Year’s Resolution 2!)
-Use my hot cross buns vibrator with the frankincense & myrrh clitoral stimulator only during Lent so that way I won’t have to give up “meat” altogether because lord knows I ain’t gettin’ any from Santa.

ANYHOO, MERRY CHRISTMAS & HAPPY NEW YEAR, FOLKS!

Leave a comment »

JESUS’ FROSTED FEET & HIS HOT CROSS BUNS! (A POEM BY TINA KNOWLEDGEABLE PEDEN)


Here is a poem that I wrote for the upcoming Christmas season. Enjoy!

Thank you Jesus Christ for the
hot cross buns this Christmas
they simply can’t be beat!

And to worship, praise and
thank you for your sacrifice
I kiss the bottom of the
vanilla frosting cross on the
hot cross bun as if it were
your precious feet.

It’s the least that I can do
for you every Christmas for
being the inspiration behind
the ultimate religious sweet
before I eat.

Merry Christmas and Happy
New Year to you Jesus Christ
who I hope one day to meet
in heaven and personally
thank for many years of feasting
on this delightful holiday
spiced treat!

Hey Jesus Christ & Hot Cross Buns
you both rule the earth and
are both super neat!

Comments (1) »

TINA “KNOWLEDGEABLE” PEDEN’S WACKY-ASS BUSINESS IDEAS & VENTURES FOR CHRISTMAS TIME IN THE NYC! (LIGHTBULB 4)


Hey Broadway, Lincoln Center or Radio City Music Hall but in particular Radio City Christmas Spectacular, I couldn’t help but notice that some of your Christmas productions are really quite beautiful!

However……….

I have also noticed that some of your Christmas productions have also taken a big-ass dose of ex-lax and become quite regular.

And Broadway, Lincoln Center or Radio City Music Hall but in particular Radio City Christmas Spectacular, sometimes that regularity shit ain’t good.

I mean, come on ya’ll, it’s Christmas and it’s the Big Apple for Christ’s sake!

Ya’ll bitches really need to shake it up and show the world that NYC still has some kick-ass Christmas cred.

And low and behold, I, Tina Knowledgeable Peden, am here to help ya’ll with that.

Hey!

Red and green lightbulb!

Hey Broadway, Lincoln Center or Radio City Music Hall but in particular Radio City Christmas Spectacular, have you hallowed bastions of Christmas glory ever considered doing a special Xmas version of the hit 1986 song, Yah Mo B There by Michael McDonald and James Ingram?

To further bolster my yuletide business lightbulb, check out these kick-ass holy spiritual lyrics:

Yah Mo B There!

(Song Lyrics By James Ingram/Michael McDonald/Rod Temperton/Quincy Jones)

(Verse 1)

Heavenly father watching us all
We take from each other and give nothing at all
Well it’s a dog-gone shame
But never too late for change
So if your luck runs low
Just reach out and call his name, his name

[Chorus]

Yah mo be there (up and over)
Yah mo be there (up and over)
Yah mo be there (up and over)
Yah mo be there (up and over)
Whenever you call

(Verse 2)

Never be lonely lost in the night
Just run from the darkness
Looking for the light
‘Cause it’s a long hard road
That leads to a brighter day (hey)
Don’t let your heart grow cold
Just reach out and call his name, his name

[Chorus]
Yah mo be there (up and over)
Yah mo be there (up and over)
Yah mo be there (up and over)
Yah mo be there (up and over)
Whenever you call

(Verse 3)

You can count on it brother
‘Cause we’re all just finding our way
Travelling through time
People got to keep pushing on
No matter how many dreams slip away
Yah will be there

(Verse 4)

Well it’s a dog-gone shame
But never too late for change
So when your luck runs low
Just reach out and call his name, his name

Yah mo be there, I will be there
Yah mo be there, When you need a friend
Yah mo be there, yeah ill be there whenever you call

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Now ain’t those song lyrics beautiful but cool!

And you know

Broadway, Lincoln Center or Radio City Music Hall but in particular Radio City Christmas Spectacular what would be even cooler?

It would be oh so cool to see a Jesus look-a-like and a big ol’ jolly Santa look-a-like up on your big-ass stages performing the song Yah Mo B There at Christmas time in front of the masses!

It would definitely be something different and break you out of your ex-lax regularity shit cycle.

I’ll tell ya’ NYC that even I would pay big money to see Jesus and Santa doing a soulful rendition of the song, Yah Mo B There while at the same time shakin’ their booties and gettin’ down with their good selves to this song.

(P.S. That’s some ultra-funny but ultra-inspiring shit!)

So Broadway, Lincoln Center or Radio City Music Hall but in particular Radio City Christmas Spectacular do yourselves a big-ass favor and get off of your ex-lax asses and immediately license the song, Yah Mo B There for a musical production, pay the astronomical licensing fee, write a kick-ass musical number, rehearse the heck out of it then when the time is right, i.e. November 9th – December 30th start performing the hell, pun intended and sorry Jesus, outta that baby! And watch the yuletide dollars come rolling or should I say, prancing in!

By the by, Broadway, Lincoln Center or Radio City Music Hall but in particular Radio City Christmas Spectacular you NYC giants might also want to consider teaming up with Lance Manufacturing, LLC because they are the owners of the Archway Cookies brand in order to sell their ever popular Bells & Stars Christmas Cookies during your holiday musical performances and in exchange Lance/Archway could put photos of either Broadway, Lincoln Center or Radio City Music Hall but in particular Radio City Christmas Spectacular on their cookie packages to further promote your Christmas holiday performances. That way you’ll have profitable but tasty Christmas dollars prancing in at Xmas every year! And what a lovely yet delicious Christmas tradition that would make!

Hallelujah and Amen!

And another P.S. Broadway, Lincoln Center or Radio City Music Hall but in particular Radio City Christmas Spectacular if you really want to break out of your ex-lax regularity shit cycle, you might also want to consider performing two other Michael McDonald songs for your Christmas productions.

Perform the song, I Keep Forgetting, with a Jesus look-a-like, a Santa look-a-like, and a female vocalist of your choice wearing Blues Brothers type hats and call the group “The Heavenly Hats.”

And perform the song, Sweet Freedom, with a Jesus look-a-like, a Santa look-a-like, and a male vocalist of your choice wearing Blues Brothers type red, white and blue hats and call the group “The Heavenly Hats.” And don’t forget to add in a dancing Statue of Liberty!

That way you’ll have three kick-ass Christmas musical numbers to represent and give kick-ass cred to the NYC!

Really take a bite out of the big candied apple at Christmas time this year!

Comments (1) »

“OH CHRIST, I GOT BABY FEVER!” A SONG AND PRAYER WRITTEN BY TINA KNOWLEDGEABLE PEDEN!


Hey since retailers start selling Christmas merchandise so early anyway I decided to jump on their bandwagon and do a revamping of a song that I wrote back in January 2012.  Enjoy and have yourself an early Merry Christmas! And Happy Early Birthday, Jesus!

This song can either be performed in the spoken word or it can be sung.

Verse 1:

Hey mom, gross, I really hate this chicken croquette,

I can’t eat this crap if i’m going to be a Radio City Music Hall Rockette,

Just you wait and see mama i’m gonna’ be the best dancer on that stage yet,

With the best-looking gams in the whole wide world, a perfect high-kicking set,

Oh mom will you please give me a break and quit harpin’ on my lousy ettiquette,

Mom, I really do love ya’ but you are the lamest chick that I have ever met!

Chorus:

Oh Christ, I got baby fever and there’s only one cure,

Johnson’s Baby Shampoo almost 100% pure,

Dr. Seuss prescribed me a big ol’ dose of “Cat in the Hat,”

No green eggs or ham or Jack Sprat,

Just a cradle with a beautiful baby in it, skinny or fat,

A maternal inferno is burning deep down inside of me,

And Christ, it will never stop until i’m a mommy!

To put it simply, Lord, I want a baby!

Verse 2:

Hey dad, I really love this corndog on a stick,

But I can’t have too many of them if i’m gonna’ be a New York Knick,

Just you wait and see papa i’m gonna’ be selected first round draft pick,

With the best darn jump shot in the league cause’ my skills are seriously sick,

Oh dad, will you please give me a break i’m not a stamp that needs a lick,

Dad, I really love ya’ but there are plenty of ballplayers like me with a stubborn cowlick,

So leave my hair alone and stop crying those totally lame proud parent tears like really quick!

They are sooo gross, I mean really dad, ick!

Chorus:

Oh Christ, I got baby fever and there’s only one cure,

Johnson’s Baby Shampoo almost 100% pure,

Dr. Seuss prescribed me a big ol’ dose of “Cat in the Hat,”

No green eggs or ham or Jack Sprat,

Just a cradle with a beautiful baby in it, skinny or fat,

A paternal inferno is burning deep down inside of me,

And Christ, it will never stop until i’m a daddy!

To put it simply, Lord, I want a baby!

Verse 3:

Bottles and booties all over the place, everywhere,

Many sleepless nights and wild-looking disheveled hair,

I’m not talking to you dad cause’ i’m grounded glued to this rotten chair,

Young man, i’m only doing this so you’ll be morally-rounded cause’ I care,

Baby shake rattle, baby shake rattle, baby shake rattle, in the air,

Kids bedtime, this as a loving but tired father, I do happily declare!

Chorus:

Oh Christ, I got baby fever and there’s only one cure,

Johnson’s Baby Shampoo almost 100% pure,

Dr. Seuss prescribed me a big ol’ dose of “Cat in the Hat,”

No green eggs or ham or Jack Sprat,

Just a cradle with a beautiful baby in it, skinny or fat,

A paternal inferno is burning deep down inside of me,

And Christ, it will never stop until i’m a daddy!

To put it simply, Lord, I want a baby!

Verse 4:

My biological clock is going tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock, there’s no escape,

I have a dream of reading aloud to my kids “Hickory Dickory Dock” and tales of “Grape Ape,”

Sex, pregnancy and a whole bunch of recorded dvd and many a videotape,

Merry Christmas mommy, how do I look all dressed up as a shepherd in my big brother’s old white cape,

Tears come to my eyes as I watch my child in the Christmas pageant up on the stage with my mouth totally agape,

How in the world Carmen Sandiego did he get all of that scotch tape to stay up around his nape, my oh my, what a cool drape!

Chorus:

Oh Christ, I got baby fever and there’s only one cure,

Johnson’s Baby Shampoo almost 100% pure,

Dr. Seuss prescribed me a big ol’ dose of “Cat in the Hat,”

No green eggs or ham or Jack Sprat,

Just a cradle with a beautiful baby in it, skinny or fat,

A maternal inferno is burning deep down inside of me,

And Christ, it will never stop until i’m a mommy!

To put it simply, Lord, I want a baby!

Verse 5:

So big boy I hope you got the message and that I made myself crystal clear,

Okay Mama, let’s make a baby is the only thing that I want to hear,

Because boy oh boy or should I say girl oh girl I am oh so ready for this my dear,

So lover, take me in your arms and let’s start this baby-making party off with a kiss that will scorch and sear,

Hey big boy, I want you to know that I love you and there’s no pressure here,

But the only thing that I want for Christmas is to have your baby by the end of next year!

Cheers!

Chorus:

Oh Christ, I got baby fever and there’s only one cure,

Johnson’s Baby Shampoo almost 100% pure,

Dr. Seuss prescribed me a big ol’ dose of “Cat in the Hat,”

No green eggs or ham or Jack Sprat,

Just a cradle with a beautiful baby in it, skinny or fat,

A maternal and paternal inferno is burning deep down inside of me,

And Christ, it will never stop until we’re a mommy and daddy!

To put it simply, Lord, we want a baby!

Verse 6:

It’s nice to know that us humans on earth are not alone and that we are all truly God’s children through and through,

Because one day over two thousand years ago God himself had a major case of baby fever too,

He chose Mary to be the mother of his baby and Joseph to watch over them even though to what was going on neither of them really didn’t have a clue,

But they both loved and trusted God so they let this guide them and their hearts also told them that this unusual miraculous request was the right thing to do,

And on Christmas Day a long time ago a baby boy named Jesus was born in a stable in Bethlehem wrapped in swaddling clothes lying in a manger that was far from new,

Shepherds and wise men from different places all over the world traveled to Bethlehem to praise this new king, bring him gifts and to see if this wonderful miracle was really true,

But in their heart of hearts they already knew that Jesus the Saviour, their king, was born for one and all, expressly for me and you,

So today and every year we celebrate his birthday, Christmas Day,  at different places all over the world because he is the one thing that unites us all together, he is our special spiritual glue!

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS, WE LOVE YOU!

AND GOD WE ALSO LOVE YOU VERY MUCH TOO!

THANK YOU FOR HAVING A MAJOR CASE OF BABY FEVER UP IN HEAVEN JUST LIKE US HUMANS ON EARTH DO!

Chorus:

Oh Christ, I got baby fever and there’s only one cure,

Johnson’s Baby Shampoo almost 100% pure,

Dr. Seuss prescribed me a big ol’ dose of “Cat in the Hat,”

No green eggs or ham or Jack Sprat,

Just a manger with a beautiful baby boy in it, skinny or fat,

An almighty paternal inferno is burning deep down inside of me,

And Christ, it will never stop until a God like me is a daddy!

To put it simply, Lord, and I know that I am talking to myself, I, the Lord Almighty want a baby!

It’s time for even me to be a daddy!

Prayer:

Oh Lord in heaven, give me strength, please help me,

Cause’ I know at times i’m gonna’ have my work cut out for me,

I know that being a good mama or papa ain’t always gonna’ be easy,

But I don’t care, that part doesn’t even bother or faze me,

Cause’ i’ll happily take on this parental challenge given unto thee,

Lord, this christian soldier is oh so ready to raise a good loving family,

One that will offer up love and praise to you everyday faithfully,

Oh Christ, I got baby fever and their’s only one cure,

A beautiful living legacy created by me for you that will forever endure!

Leave a comment »

WHENEVER YOU NEED A GOOD LAUGH, TRY THIS WEBSITE!


Hey guys, are you feeling down?

Hey gals, are your spirits low?

If so, pay a visit to the following website below and get your laughter on!

And as Heath Ledger’s awesome character, The Joker in the hit movie, The Dark Knight would say, “And here we go!”

To view the website please click on “I seriously need a good laugh!”

Comments (1) »

Water Cooler Talk Tee Shirts For Sale!


Get the most unusual t-shirts at Water Cooler Talk Tee Shirts!

T-shirts inscribed with text so juicy that they immediately get people talking!

To view the t-shirts please click on or go to:  http://watercoolertalkteeshirts.spreadshirt.com 

Comments (1) »

TINA “KNOWLEDGEABLE” PEDEN’S GREETING CARDS IN A BLOG POST! (GREETING CARD 2)


(This is a Christmas Day greeting card for lovers. It is a card that a man can give to that special lady in his life.)

When It Comes To The Kissing Snow, Don’t Fight It Baby!

It arrives a few days before Christmas Day,
And sometimes on the big day itself,
It’s different from other snow,
And baby, you’ll know it!

To put it simply, once the kissing snow of Christmas Day starts to fall upon you,

Wham!
Bam!
Lover’s delight!
Pure orgasmic dynomite!

Sensual visions instantly start to fill your head and loins,
“Come to me my sweet valentine, I want to put your delectable lips to mine!”

The rush of a fervent blush spreads like wildfire all over your body,
Passion containment is futile,
Don’t try to fight it baby!

Kissing you my sweet valentine is the only cure,
I adore, I want more, my desire for you soars!
Don’t fight it baby!

On this wondrous Christmas Day my sweet valentine, let the kissing snow of Christmas Day bewitch you body and soul,

So that I, your lover, can take complete possession of your lovely body and soul on this wondrous Christmas Night!

P.S. MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM YOUR “HOPE I GET LUCKY TONIGHT BECAUSE I GOT ALL ROMANTIC AND SHIT THIS YEAR ON XMAS INSTEAD OF JUST ON VALENTINE’S DAY LIKE I USUALLY DO SO THEREFORE I DESERVE A REWARD” LOVER!

(Hey guys, consider giving this gift to go along with this greeting card–A package of Hershey’s chocolate kisses with a red ribbon tied around it, sexy lingerie from Victoria’s Secret or Target and a Kissable Kandle from Nawty Things in an assortment of flavors. Merry Christmas guys and I hope you get a lot of nookie along with all of those Christmas cookies!)

Leave a comment »

TINA “KNOWLEDGEABLE” PEDEN’S GUIDE TO DONATING CANNED FOOD GOODS DURING THE HOLIDAY SEASON OR ANY OTHER DAMN TIME OF THE YEAR!


It’s a well known fact that Thanksgiving and Christmas are the biggest times of the year for canned food donation and as a former domestic violence victim and homeless person myself, I feel that it is my duty and responsibility to share some of my extensive knowledge by giving anyone who reads this article valuable tips on donating canned food goods to domestic violence and homeless shelters during the holiday season or any other time of the damn year that are generally not listed in the average article. So let’s begin baby!

Tip Number 1:

When donating canned goods to domestic violence and homeless shelters ALWAYS try to give them DIRECTLY to the patrons themselves!

The reason why I personally recommend this method is that the staff members of the domestic violence or homeless shelter won’t have the opportunity to steal or take out the best canned goods and keep them for themselves or their families and give or leave the shitty canned goods for the patrons of the shelter.

As a former patron myself of many domestic violence and homeless shelters I have seen many bad things and this one is at the top of my list. I have seen many a staff member steal the patrons fucking blind so donators, watch out for these corrupt-ass cocksuckers!

Also, if you can, try bringing the canned goods at meal times, i.e. breakfast, lunch or dinner, when alot of the patrons will be around. And always ask if you can stay and watch the canned goods being given out with your own two eyes. And if you are a regular donator, always bring the canned goods on different days and times so that all of the patrons have an ample opportunity to get some of the canned goods that you bring and not the same people every time. Remember, the patrons of these shelters have regular work and school schedules and many other appointments and if you always bring the canned goods on the same day and at the same time alot of the other patrons will miss out and that’s not fair. So donators remember to mix it up baby!

Tip Number 2:

If you are a donator with a major “i’m better than you” attitude, big ol’ bug up their butt or are only donating the canned goods to a shelter so that it will look good on your tax form or you will look like a martyr to your family, friends, co-workers or fellow country club members, do the patrons of these domestic violence and homeless shelters a huge favor by keeping your stupid-ass at home and shoving the canned goods straight up your sorry fucking ass!

As a former domestic violence victim and homeless person, I can’t speak for everybody but I sure as hell can speak for myself and tell you that when I was in these shelters I would have rather starved myself fucking blind (and I often did) than take help from a stupid-ass idiotic motherfucker like the above mentioned people! But that’s just me personally.

This may not be a familiar fact with the general public so let me school some of you brothers and sisters out there by telling you that some domestic violence and homeless shelters are staffed with employees that are so cold-hearted, mean and so unhappy with their personal lives that their sole purpose for taking and remaining in their jobs at the domestic violence or homeless shelter is to solely bully, harrass and treat the patrons of these shelters like total fucking shit to even the score. So alot of patrons at domestic violence and homeless shelters have enough shit in their lives that they have to put up with without having to put up with the shit of a stupid-ass sorry-ass donator like the ones that I have mentioned above, so do them a favor and stay the fuck home and shove the canned goods straight up your sorry fucking ass!

I mean don’t get me wrong you don’t have to be a total fucking saint to donate canned goods to a domestic violence or homeless shelter but it also helps if you’re not a total fucking asshole either. But if you are a total fucking asshole who still wants to help a domestic violence or homeless shelter purely for your own selfish stupid-ass reasons do the right thing and go out and buy some gift cards to Walmart or other grocery stores and drop them into the mail this way the patrons won’t have to put up with your bullshit and they can buy whatever canned food goods that they want without your stupid ass around. Easy breezy! But be sure stupid-ass sorry-ass donators to ask the staff members of the shelter to mail or fax you some kind of proof like photos or signed agreements from the patrons that can be verified that the gift cards were actually GIVEN to the patrons and not pocketed by corrupt-ass immoral-ass staff members of the shelter.

Tip Number 3:

Don’t just donate canned goods from your home that you don’t like or have too much of and think automatically that the patrons of the shelters that you give them to will automatically eat them or be grateful for them.

Hey donator, just as you may not like the canned beets or succotash that has been sitting on your kitchen shelf for twelve years, the patrons also may not like that shit either. Catch my drift, moron?

Donators, always remember two things. One, that you ain’t god baby! We already have a god and a damn good one at that so why would we need a sorry-ass perpetratin’ motherfucker like you? Two, that you are not the only one with discriminating tastes when it comes to food. Let me send you back to school donator baby, domestic violence victims and homeless people have discriminating tastes too and ain’t just going to eat anything just like you! Remember, domestic violence victims and homeless people may be temporarily down on their luck donator baby but they have their pride too and don’t you forget it! The reason why I mention this is because it’s possible that one day donators you could find yourselves unfortunately in their position. There is a popular saying that we’re all just a couple of paychecks away from being homeless. And ask yourselves if you were homeless do you want some sorry-ass perpetratin’ motherfucker thinking that you should be kissing their ass for bringing you a couple of usually fucked up jacked up canned goods and treating your ass like you will eat anything and have to be grateful for the shit just because you are homeless. (Oh no, baby! Oh no!)

If you can donators, try to visit the shelter of your choice beforehand and ask if you can leave a flyer that can be hung up and ask the patrons to write down their favorite canned food goods. Give the patrons a few days to write down their choices then return to the shelter, pick up the flyer then either go out and buy the items or look around your kitchen or pantry then deliver them to the shelter. But ALWAYS make sure that the canned goods are given to the patrons ONLY not the staff.

Also donators, give some of your BEST canned goods to the shelter of your choice and also try to be ORIGINAL. For instance during the holiday season, there are only so many cans of turkey gravy and cranberry sauce that a patron can take. If you can, try to give something unique or in hot demand like a can of coffee or a can of smoked salmon. I know that those items may sound a bit extravagant but tis the season baby! Tis the season!

And donators try not to be total fucking cheapskates either! Remember, there is life and food outside of your goddamn kitchen! Go out and BUY some canned goods too. I mean you don’t have to be a billionaire like Bill Gates to buy a can of Dole Pineapple Slices or a can of Hormel Beef Chili. Remember donators to once again, mix it up and cough it up! Take some of those hard earned dead presidents out of your wallet and go out and buy some good shit for the patrons of domestic violence and homeless shelters! Remember to treat people as you yourself want to be treated! Amen, baby! Amen!

Tip Number 4:

If you are a donator who thinks that domestic violence victims are pathetic, weak-ass victims who should have never let a person knock them upside the head or you are a donator who thinks that homeless people are lazy-ass people who don’t want to work, then do the patrons of domestic violence and homeless shelters a big favor and go fuck yourself then educate yourself before you drop off one single can good to a domestic violence or homeless shelter!

One of the biggest stereotypes that domestic violence victims have to fight everyday literally is that they are pathetic and weak-ass because they “let” a person hit them and one of the biggest stereotypes that the homeless have to fight is that they are lazy-ass people that don’t want to work which in so many cases is totally untrue. Alot of these individuals at these shelters are the strongest, bravest and hardest working people to walk the earth! There are a myriad of reasons why a person can become homeless or a domestic violence victim. Some of them we may be familiar with and some of them we would never think of. Whatever the reason, don’t judge until you know the whole damn story!

So donators if you are a narrow-minded asshole who thinks in stereotypical terms when it comes to domestic violence victims and the homeless you might want to seriously consider educating yourself and get your shit together before donating a single canned good to a shelter because you just might come upon a very perceptive patron stressed to the damn max and with zero tolerance who may just end up kicking your ass for your stupidity. And it would be your own damn fault if they did! So donators, avoid this bullshit and educate yourself about domestic violence victims and the homeless before you donate!

My name is Tina “Knowledgeable” Peden and to all of you who have read this article, I really hope that these tips will help you out in your future canned food donations.

Happy holidays, have a wonderful thanksgiving, merry christmas and have a kick-ass new year!

Thank you!

Leave a comment »

TKP’S “BIGGER THAN JFK” CONSPIRACY THEORIES! (CONSPIRACY 1: THE SPANISH CHANNEL)


Am I the only person who has noticed that no matter whether you have a kick-ass cable provider or have the most expensive antenna that money can buy or have only a crappy-ass pair of rabbit ears wrapped up with a shitload of aluminum foil that The Spanish Channel is the only television channel that always seems to come in crystal clear?

I mean what’s up with that?

Can anyone say conspiracy!

I mean people, let’s look at the facts.

Even back in the day when television was broadcast in an analog format on big-ass boxy television sets The Spanish Channel always came in crystal clear then, too!

I mean what’s up with that?

Can anyone say conspiracy!

And it doesn’t matter where a person lives either. Hell, a person could be living in a small-ass state like Iowa or in a big-ass snowy tundra like the North Pole and still get a picture perfect signal to The Spanish Channel. (Sorry Santa, Santa Claus, Kris Kringle or whatever the hell your name is, that’s just how it is! Ho! Ho! Ho!)

And speaking of “ho’s”, The Spanish Channel is one nasty bitch that you can’t get rid of!

I mean a place could be hit by a hurricane, tornado or noreaster and the power be knocked out for days but you better believe that as soon as the power has been restored the first channel that will appear on your television screen is The Spanish Channel.

And if that doesn’t smell of a conspiracy nothing else does!

And why is it that when you don’t speak a lick of Spanish that you always seem to get multiple Spanish Channels on your television set?

WTF?!

I mean what is this grade school? Are we the naughty-little students and The Spanish Channel is the mean-ass ruler-wielding teacher trying to punish us for not learning the Spanish language?

I mean what the fuck is going on?

Conspiracy, baby, conspiracy! It can only be a conspiracy!

Hey, don’t get me wrong, Spanish is a beautiful language and all but shouldn’t a person be allowed to learn their A-B-C’s in whatever language that they want?

Hey, don’t we have rights, Spanish Channel?!

Like the underappreciated, okay-looking but extremely annoying middle child, Jan Brady once said in a corny-ass episode of The Brady Bunch with much frustration, “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!”

But on this day, I, Tina “Knowledgeable” Peden, much appreciated, cute-ass middle-aged black female with an absolutely brilliant temperment am now saying to people all over the world in this blog post with as much frustration as Jan Brady had, “The Spanish Channel, The Spanish Channel, The Spanish Channel!”

Hey, whoever the hell is behind this conspiracy, please do me a favor and stop!

I can’t take it anymore!

I’m losing my mind! (Which is exactly what you bastard’s want! You want personally for Tina “Knowledgeable” Peden to lose her mind because she’s so cute-ass and brilliant unlike that okay-looking-ass loser, Jan Brady! It’s obvious, baby!)

Spanish Channel, get a damn life and knock it off!

Please!

By the by Spanish Channel, adios, amigos!

Leave a comment »

%d bloggers like this: