Posts tagged Dating Tips

OXYMORON ALERT: HERE’S A FEW QUESTIONABLE TIPS FOR ALL OF MY HETEROSEXUAL GUYS OUT THERE THIS VALENTINE’S DAY COURTESY OF “A CHARLIE BROWN THANKSGIVING!”


– Hey guys, if a pushy big nosed tri-freckled on each cheek tomboy absolutely insists on inviting herself and two of her friends over to your house uninvited guerrilla-no-kind-of-manners style for Valentine’s Day dinner with you and your family, don’t be a blockhead or a gentleman, either interrupt her insensitive never letting anyone get a word in edgewise ass by yelling loudly into the phone, “Hell no! Hell no! Hell no!” then soundly hanging up or wait for her insensitive ass to come to your home then dump the 6.66 gallons of heart shaped Valentine’s Day candy inscribed with the message, “I have no interest in you whatsoever you crazy bitch! Now get the hell off of my property!” all over her and her two unfortunate friends. But in the event that this chick still doesn’t get the message that you are just not that into her, call the police on her dumb ass with your pink and red heart shaped phone that you use only on Valentine’s Day or other special occasions where you have to deal with psychos.

– Hey guys, if you happen to meet a sweet intelligent brunette who likes to wear John Lennon style spectacles named Marcie who also prefers to refer to pushy aggressive women as “sir” on Valentine’s Day, do yourselves a major fucking favor and snatch her no doubt fantastic in the bedroom kinky ass up quick before some other motherfucker snatches up this rare jewel! Hey guys, good sexually adept kinky ass girls who refer to pushy aggressive women as “sir” are hard to find especially on Valentine’s Day!

– Hey guys, if you happen to run into a girl from your childhood named Lucy who constantly use to prank your young gullible ass back in the day by asking you to kick a football while she holds it then pulls it away at the last minute just as you were about to kick that sucker to the moon, get your revenge on her shedevil ass for the many times that you wound up on your ass by immediately texting her photo to every football player on Twitter with a short message about the prank and don’t forget to tell them what a lousy punt she was, too. Oh, i’m sorry guys, I meant, lousy cunt she was. Sorry about that! I don’t want to get into trouble for not being grammatically correct! Anyhoo fellas, with justified revenge like this, let me tell you that I bet you a shitload of money that she won’t be pulling that prank again on anyone else except Tim Tebow which I know for sure would be damn fine with alot of folks!  Oh, snap!

– Hey guys, especially guys named Charles or Chuck, on Valentine’s Day or any other time of the damn year do your damndest to try to avoid irritating delusional baseball lovin’ girls who secretly think that you like them who are nicknamed after a chocolate mint. I mean, come on guys, that’s just plain common sense right there!

– And last but not least guys, when a good friend with a name like Linus constantly helps you to find solutions to your easy-ass problems because your so damn spineless and wishy washy, do something special for him on Valentine’s Day by ditching your wife or girlfriend to have a bros over hos night out! Guys rent a hotel room for the night at any hotel that has many big screens tvs playing ESPN in the lounge while you hang out for a while getting pissed on booze and using your friend Linus’ blue blanket to snap the asses of all of the other drunken men in the bar as they pass by you guys to go take a leak, a shit or fix their hair. And when you guys finally get tired of that shit, continue your bromance in your hotel room by watching a couple of hours of the rented dvd, I Love You, Man, that you brought along with you while you munch on the hot wings, onion rings and tequila that you ordered up from room service. And when you guys finally get done with that shit, giggle and twirl your hair manly style while you talk about the hotness and big breastedness of some of the women that you both would like to bang in the future while simultaneously prank calling random names from your ephonebook. And guys don’t forget to give your friend Linus a nice manly hug and the big ol’ box of heart shaped chocolates and goofy Snoopy and Woodstock Valentine’s Day friendship card that you got him at some point during your bros over hos Valentine’s Day night out!

AND TO ALL OF MY HETEROSEXUAL GUYS OUT THERE, HAVE A HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY AND TRY NOT TO BREAK ALOT OF FEMALE HEARTS OR VAGINAS, YOU SLY DOGS! WOOF! WOOF!

P.S.    And guys, like the York Peppermint Patty slogan says, “I hope on Valentine’s night you all get the sensation!!!”

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THE FOREVER UNTIL THE END OF TIME CONSTANTLY DEBATED QUESTION: WHICH GENDER SHOULD PAY FOR THE DATE……….


Putting all tampons and jock straps aside, in all fairness……….

The guy should pay for the first date.

The gal should pay for the second date.

The guy and the gal should both go halfsies and pay for the third date.

And that good for nothing president of ours should pay for the rest of the dates.

(After all, it’s only fair and equals out in the cutting necessary social services programs and not receiving a decent cost of living increase in years Obama economy.)

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TINA KNOWLEDGEABLE PEDEN’S DATING TIPS FOR MEN! (TIP 2)


Guys, let me give you some advice, don’t ever brew your date some coffee in a 1970’s tube sock!

First of all guys, it’s not only damn stupid but it’s also damn wrong!

Guys, I know that your date specifically expressed to you her need for a cup of strong-ass coffee before you go out on your date but guys stop the damn madness and do the right and sanitary thing and brew the damn coffee in a coffeemaker with a whole canful of coffee grounds instead of taking the totally dumb-ass route and brewing the damn coffee in your ultra-sweaty, ultra-nasty, ultra-germy, ultra-stinky 1970’s tube socks that you worked out in the gym for three hours in and have been laying around on your laundry room floor for the past five days!

Trust me guys, your date’s delicate digestive system will thank the hell out of you for it!

And for all of you guys out there still torn on this issue because of three things and those three things being:

1. You know that 100% your 1970’s tube sock, some piping hot water and a pinch of coffee grounds would definitely make your date the cup of strong-ass coffee that she asked for better than any coffeemaker would.

2. You have a kinky-ass foot fetish due to seeing Amy Irving, Nancy Allen and Betty Buckley prancing around tantalizingly in tube socks in the seventies cult horror movie classic, Carrie.

3. Your hoping at the end of your date that you will see your date prance around for you buck naked in the brand spankin’ new pair of tube socks that you bought a couple of days ago on retrosocks.com

Guys, stop the damn madness, then seek some quickie online psychiatric professional help at crazyassmofoswithweirdassfootfetishes.com and then make your date the cup of strong-ass coffee that she asked for but make the damn coffee in a damn coffeemaker with a shitload of coffee grounds thrown in and maybe just maybe your wish of seeing your date prance around in the brand spankin’ new pair of tube socks that you bought a couple of days ago on retrosocks.com will come true!

But guys, let me tell you that your wish of seeing your date prance around in the brand spankin’ new pair of tube socks that you bought a couple of days ago on retrosocks.com will definitely not come true if you brew her a cup of coffee in your tube sock!

But guys, you are grown men and the decision is entirely up to you.

But if it were me, i’d brew the coffee in a damn coffeemaker like a civilized human being!

Geez!

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TINA KNOWLEDGEABLE PEDEN’S DATING TIPS FOR MEN! (TIP 1) THIS ONE IS FOR MY NO NONSENSE BOYS!


Hey No Nonsense Guys, if during the course of your date the female that you are out with takes a bad spill due to the 10 inch stilleto heels that she is wearing, No Nonsense Guys do the right thing and help her ass up!

I know that this may be difficult for a No Nonsense Guy to do because your logical reasoning is that your female companion claimed previously to you before you asked her out on a date that she was a strong intelligent millenium woman and you feel strongly that you would be going against her wishes by helping her ass up because any strong intelligent millenium woman would have common sense enough to know not to step foot (pun intended) out of the damn house in a pair of 10 inch stilleto heels in the first damn place especially on a first date! I mean, what the fuck! What is this? The damn seventies! I mean, platform shoes are out baby girl!

No Nonsense Guys, I know that you think your female companion knew the damn risks when she put the 10 inch stilleto shoes on and her strong intelligent millenium ass knew damn well that it was more than probable during the course of the date that she would eventually either fall flat on her ass or face down kissin’ pavement thereby looking all stupid and shit in front of you and all of the other people in the establishment that you are a patron at. The shit was just fucking inevitable! So since she is a strong intelligent millenium woman she absolutely must take responsiblility for her own stupid-ass actions and she is also absolutely capable of scraping her own ass off of the floor and she absolutely doesn’t need you to help her do it being that she is a strong intelligent millenium woman.

No Nonsense Guys, I will concede that you have made several excellent points! I give you props for that HOWEVER no matter how much in your heart and soul that you think that it was entirely your date’s fault that she took a bad spill due to her own stupidity and she got exactly what she deserved by being totally stupid ass by wearing 10 inch stilleto heel shoes on your date, PLEASE GIVE HER A DAMN BREAK! (And to all of my 10 inch stilleto heel shoe wearing girls, no pun intended gurrrl, I really hope that you girls are okay and didn’t break any bones or anything!)

Anyhoo, movin’ on!

No Nonsense Guys, let me clue your rigid minds to the fact that your female companion only wore those stupid ass 10 inch stilleto shoes for your ass to entice you into noticing how sexy and beguiling her legs and feet are and how good those sexy legs and feet would look wrapped around your rigid-minded ass when you “do the nasty” later on so basically No Nonsense Guys by not helping your date’s ass up after she takes a bad spill in 10 inch stilleto heel shoes that she wore expressly for you, you are ruining your chances of “hittin’ that” or “gettin’ some” from your date later on which is incredibly stupid!

No Nonsense Guys, do the right and gentlemenly thing for your date, yourself and your penis by helping your date up after she falls on her ass or flat on her fucking face due to the 10 inch stilleto heel shoes that she was wearing for you.

Also give her another chance to prove to you that she truly is a strong intelligent millenium woman and not a total MO-ron for wearing 10 inch stilleto heel shoes on your date. (And by the by, I love the seventies and platform shoes! They totally rocked the boat and didn’t tip the boat or your date over! P.S. I love you Hues Corporation!)

Remember, No Nonsense Guys, your date is simply an innocent woman with stupid-ass retro judgment who simply wanted to look sexy for you on your date so that she could get into your pants later. No biggie! Please give her another chance!

But for all of my No Nonsense Guys who still are on the fence about whether to help your date’s ass up after she takes a bad spill due to the 10 inch stiletto heel shoes that she’s wearing because you don’t want to be an ENABLER! Dudes, get a damn life and get the fuck off of that high horse that you are on and you might also want to take that big-ass stick shoved up your ass too!

No Nonsense Guys, you are going to get some poontang later which is something most normal heterosexual guys want at the end of their dates! Especially on a first date! So stop being a total fucking MO-ron yourself and help your date up off of her ass or face when she takes a bad spill due to wearing 10 inch stiletto heel shoes on your date!

Geez!

Is chivalry truly dead in the millenium?

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WHEN IT COMES TO DATING JUST HOW FAKE ARE YOU?


Hey guys, how many times have you put on a monkey suit or cleaned your apartment from top to bottom just to impress a date when if the truth be told you are the biggest faded t-shirt and jeans wearing slob on the planet? Gals, how many times have you had your legs waxed or cooked a fancy meal for a date when in actuality you are the undisputed stubble queen of takeout?

Tell me, when it comes to dating, how fake are you?

P.S. Hey gals, do you want to meet some hot guys who put lifts in their shoes so that they can add a couple of inches to their height? Hey guys, do you want to meet some hot J-Lo wannabes who wear padded drawers so that they can add a couple of inches to their bootys? If so, try visiting the many online dating services where you probably won’t get busted for being fake like Match.com, eHarmony.com or AdultFriendFinder.com and create a fake, I mean, fabulous profile.

Whew!

Good luck!

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HOW TO FOOT FLIRT WITH CUTE GUYS! (THE ULTIMATE SNEAKY BAG OF TRICKS OF EXPERIENCED FEMALES GUIDE)


GET YOUR NASTY ASS GIFTS HERE FOR ALL OCCASIONS!

WHAT IS FLIRTING?

Flirting is a fun form of communication between a man and a woman usually expressing a sexual or romantic interest in the other person. It can consist of conversation or body language. Flirting can be one-sided or reciprocal.

WHY DO SOME WOMEN FLIRT?

Some women flirt to arouse sexual interest in men. Others flirt to entertain and amuse themselves or their friends. While other women flirt to get attention. There are some extremely seductive women who flirt to flaunt their sex appeal to exploit men while some women flirt just for the fun and the hell of it with no serious intentions or expectations. The reasons why women flirt are endless baby!

WHAT IS THE ULTIMATE GOAL OF FLIRTING?

The ultimate goal of flirting is to determine the other person’s interest in a relationship. The interest could lead to a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship or it could lead to a more serious commitment like marriage or it could lead to one night of meaningless casual sex with no strings attached. It all depends on the person.

WHAT IS FOOT FLIRTING?

Foot Flirting is basically the same as regular flirting except that a female uses her feet to arouse romantic or sexual interest.

WHAT DO YOU NEED TO FOOT FLIRT?

-FLATTERING FEET
This is a must! To obtain “nice feet” you don’t have to spend money on an expensive pedicure, simply make sure your toenails are clipped and clean. Also make sure your feet are pumised and moisturized! Dry, cracked flaky skin on the feet is a definite turn-off to guys. Moisturized feet that look “too greasy” is also a turn-off to guys so go easy on the lotion! Strike a balance between the two. The one thing that turns alot of guys on is nail polish. Remember to choose a color of nail polish that compliments your skin tone. If you can’t find a color of nail polish that you like or you are a woman who simply doesn’t like to polish her toenails try using a clear glossy nail polish instead to give your toes some pizazz! A simple toe ring or tasteful ankle bracelet can be worn to draw additional attention to the feet.

-FLATTERING FOOTWEAR
High-heeled shoes are a must and they should make alot of noise when you walk, ladies. They should be sandal-type shoes that show your toes or mules with no backs. If you absolutely have to wear flats again make sure that they show your toes or the shoes have no backs to them. Choose fun colors like red or pink although a pair of basic black can do just as good a job as colored shoes can. Also gals always remember to make sure your shoes smell good. No man wants to foot flirt with a woman who has stinky shoes. So if possible try to wear brand spanking new shoes or shoes that smell decent or are spritzed with a little shoe spray or powder to make them smell good. Baby powder also works great too!

-FLATTERING CLOTHING
A flattering dress that shows off your legs and feet is an absolute must! The dress should be either “slightly above the knee” or “slightly below the knee.” Try to stay away from mini-skirts and short-shorts! Even a nice pair of long slacks would be great just as long as sandal-type shoes that expose the toes or backless shoes are worn with the slacks. Make sure your clothing goes with your footwear.

-FLATTERING FRAGRANCE
When you walk by your “target” your perfume should linger seductively in the air not hang there like a dark cloud! It should provide a “sexy aura” while you are flirting. Remember to use scented foot lotions or foot balms or even spritz your feet with a little bit of perfume. Perfume can be pleasing to the senses and arouse a man’s libido.

HOW DO I FOOT FLIRT WITH GUYS?

It’s easy!

Situation 1: The Walk By

Gals, go to the social gathering of your choice whether it be a wedding reception, a sporting event or even a trip to the local bar/saloon, hell it could even be right out on the street when you spot a cute guy that you are interested in.

Ladies, if there is no visible girlfriend in sight and you are pretty sure that he is single and you don’t see a wedding ring or tan line on your guys finger, simply walk by him and when you are no more than 1 to 2 feet away from him “accidentally” step out of one of your shoes and leave it behind. Gals, pretend that you are Cinderella leaving the ball and you left behind one of your glass slippers for your prince to retrieve.

Try to get at least 1 to 2 feet away from your fallen shoe in order to give the cute guy that you are interested in time to retrieve it before you do. Also try to say very loudly and innocently, “Oh no! My shoe!” And ladies remember to try to say the line naturally. Don’t pour it on too thick! Remember gals you are trying to attract the attention of a cute guy not an oscar nomination.

When at last you finally turn around and make to retrieve your fallen shoe be sure to walk as slowly as you possibly can get away with again giving the cute guy that you are interested in time to retrieve your shoe.

Once you finally come face to face with the cute guy that you are interested in tell him “thank you” and wink at him in your most seductive way then hold out your foot (be sure to wiggle your toes) and ask him to put the shoe on for you. Ladies, do not put on your own fallen shoe, let him do it! Remember, he is your prince charming, your knight in shining armour!

Once your cute guy puts your shoe back on your foot thank him again with a winning smile. Also try to touch him by patting him on the shoulder or tousling his hair playfully to give him another big signal that you are interested in him. (I mean gals, who knows, he may ask you to sit down and join him, ask you to stay for a drink, ask you for your phone number or even ask you out for a date right then and there. Foot flirting can be a very powerful method. And ladies if you are getting some “good vibrations” from your cute guy go ahead and take the damn initiative and ask him out or give him your phone number. If opportunity knocks ladies, quickly open the damn door!)

Situation 2: The Sitdown

If you happen to notice a cute unattached guy in a social setting and there is a seat next to him available take advantage of this opportunity and sit down next to him. Try to angle yourself so that your legs and feet are in his direct line of vision. Casually strike up a conversation with him. If you are getting some “good vibrations” from him while you are talking start foot flirting right away by taking off one of your shoes and gliding your toes up and down your cute guy’s leg playfully to let him know that you are really interested in him. If he really responds to this ask him right then and there to give you a foot massage to prolong the physical contact between the two of you. When either of you is about to leave be sure to ask your prince to replace your shoe on your foot. Ladies, don’t do it yourself insist that he do it! And right before he replaces your shoe be sure to ask him if he likes your toe polish or pedicure to prolong his vision on your feet.

The Missteps of Foot Flirting:

Ladies don’t get mad or discouraged if a couple of things go wrong when you are foot flirting such as an unexpected wife or girlfriend may enter the picture. Simply tell the wife or girlfriend that you thought the cute guy was single, apologize and simply walk away. Perhaps another guy or even a girl may happen to retrieve your shoe before your cute guy does if this happens graciously thank the person for retrieving your shoe and try foot flirting again at a later date. Perhaps your guy has an aversion or dislike of feet or women who flirt in general or simply he may not be that into you in this instance hold your head high and walk away. Always remember ladies that there may be more women on this planet than men but there are still splenty of fish in the sea and in particular one of them is specifically waiting to be caught by you. Again ladies always remember that you are beautiful, special and strong! Just hang in there! One day your prince will come but until then keep the faith and keep foot flirting!

Good luck!

This is Tina “Knowledgeable” Peden wishing you single ladies champagne breath kisses and caviar dreams from the man of your dreams!

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HOW TO STRIKE UP A CONVERSATION WITH A SINGLE WOMAN AT THE LAUNDROMAT!


I originally wrote and posted this article in 2007 but those Google Panda loving bastards at Buzzle.com erased it so I am resurrecting it and putting on my new blog. Enjoy!

Hey guys, have you ever seen a good-looking woman with an empty ring finger washing her clothes at the laundromat and wanted to strike up a conversation with her but didn’t know how to do it?

If the answer is “yes,” continue to read the rest of this article.
If the answer is “no,” then fuck off!

Ha! Ha! Ha! Just kidding!

Guys, in this article, I will give you a couple of tips on how to strike up a conversation with a single woman at the laundromat.

TIP 1: BE A KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR!

It is a well known fact that while a person goes to the laundromat to wash their clothes, the irony is that the floor at a laundromat is usually dirty, nasty and disgusting!

So, if you see an article of clothing of a female that you are attracted to (with no visible boyfriend in sight) about to fall on the laundromat’s nasty-ass floor while she is moving it from the washer to the dryer, gallantly run over, dive, leap high in the air, slide or jump over to get it.

By doing this you’ll not only give her a good laugh at your expense and show her how flexible you are (which can come in handy later) but you’ll also save her anywhere from $1.25 (usually for small loads) to $8.00 (usually for large loads) because she won’t have to re-wash or re-dry the article of clothing.

And guys let’s face it, the article of clothing that falls on the floor is usually the woman’s favorite so you are basically saving it from the second most germy floor on the planet.

Boy, oh boy, will a single woman be grateful and ready to talk! Especially about her favorite article of clothing!

TIP 2: SHOW HER THE MONEY!

Guys, always make sure that you have plenty of rolls of currency, i.e. quarters, dimes and nickels just in case a single woman that you are attracted to (with no visible boyfriend in sight) may need to:

-break a ten or twenty dollar bill
-get change from the coin machine but it is broken
-buy a box of tide or other kind of detergent
-risk her life by purchasing stale food out of the vending machines

Guys, after you show her the money, most women will be more than willing to talk to you either because they won’t be out of breath from having to rush around to find a bank, store or restaurant that will give them change or they won’t be pissed off because they had to buy an item that they don’t need like a duck thermometer just so they can get some change for the washer and dryer.

TIP 3: INTRODUCE HER TO A NEW SUPERHERO, THE GERMINATOR!

Carry a small bottle of hand sanitizer or pre-moistened towelettes just in case the woman that you are attracted to (with no visible boyfriend in sight) unfortunately can’t hold it any longer no matter how hard she tries and has no other choice but to use the laundromat’s nasty-ass germ-infested toilet.

Trust me guys, a woman won’t mind talking to you after you save her from coming into contact with a couple of million of Hepatitis A germs!

TIP 4: GIVE HER A BREATH OF FRESH AIR!

Due to the constant running of the washers and dryers in a laundromat, the air is usually hot and dry. So be sure to bring along a couple of hand fans and give one to the woman that you are attracted to (with no visible boyfriend in sight) to keep yourselves cool.

Today, hand fans come in all sorts of designs and are made with unique materials which can be an excellent conversation starter with an artistic, creative or fashion conscious female.

TIP 5: PLAY TWISTER!

Before your next trip to the laundromat, stop by your nearest party supply store and stock up on multi-colored twisting balloons, a balloon pump and a book on how to twist balloons. Bringing along a mouthful of hot air is optional. Practice your “new hobby” in the laundromat. Be sure to blow up a couple of balloons first and it is okay to pop one or two of them to draw attention to yourself.

Remember to consult your “how to twist balloons” book often to give the female that you are attracted to (with no visible boyfriend in sight) an opportunity to come over and help you and to twist some balloons herself.

WARNING: While twisting balloons, in addition to attracting the attention of the female that you are attracted to, you may also attract the attention of children in the laundromat which can be a plus if the woman that you are attracted to has kids.

Guys, always remember the first two lines of John Paul Young’s hit song.
“Love is in the air.”
“Everywhere I look around!”

Guys, it doesn’t matter where you go or where you are, love is always in the air. And it can even be in the air of a hot, dry raunchy smelling laundromat so if you see a good-looking woman with an empty ring finger washing her clothes at the laundromat (with no visible boyfriend in sight) strike up a conversation with her!

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