Posts tagged Exercise


Hey McDonalds, Wendy’s, Burger King and all of the rest of you greasy spoons out there in Americaland, I know that you are all wicked busy making your whoppers, shamrock shakes and chicken mcnuggets so i’m going to make this bad sex brief and give you my top three reasons why fast food joints like yourselves should let people without cars order food from the damn drive thru. And here we go!

Hey greasy spoons, show the world that you don’t allow discrimination of any kind all up and all outside of your joint!
(Hey McDonalds, just because a person has a car and can drive it through a restaurant drive thru and order tasty but relatively cheap-ass food doesn’t make them any better than a carless person. I mean, come on, you guys and girls ought to know better than that! And by not allowing people with no vehicles to not go through your drive thru you are basically saying that carless people are total trash who are not worthy to go through your precious drive thru and Mickey D’s that shit just ain’t right! I mean, should a hungry-ass person be made to suffer just because they don’t have an automobile for valid reasons like poverty or vehicular homicide! Hell no! I’ll tell ya’ Mickey D’s if the great automobile pioneer, Henry Ford himself were alive, i’d bet you a dollar or a chocolate sundae on your dollar menu that he’d bitch slap your face for your current discriminatory behavior! So McDonald’s and all of you other 90% greasy spoon/10% totally lame healthy menu choice restaurants out there, stop the car discrimination madness and let a carless joe or jane order a damn quarter pounder with or without cheese in your precious drive thru!)

Moving on!

Hey greasy spoons, show the world that you have good common sense!
(Hey Burger King, what the fuck? And I am specifically saying “what the fuck” to all of those Burger King executives out there who think that people who don’t have cars and get into the drive thru lane to order food are only interested in robbing the place. NEWS FUCKING FLASH! Burger King executives, I know that it is hard for you to believe but a person in a car can just as easily rob a Burger King from the drive thru too! And you know what, they have an even higher escape rate than a person robbing the joint on foot! So Burger King, how do you like them onion rings? Burger King, for the love of god, just let carless people order food through the damn drive thru and stop the car discrimination madness!)

And last but not least, I have my final reason.

Hey greasy spoons, show the world that you support originality and exercise!
(Hey Wendy’s, just because a person enters a drive thru to order food without a car doesn’t make them crazy or weird in most people’s eyes, in some people’s eyes it makes them original, unique, rebels, risk takers, bold, outside of the box thinkers! Hey, look at James Dean! And there are some people like me who really applaud carless people who want to order food from the drive thru because it shows that they are some what into fitness. And that is so important these days! I mean basically these people are thinking some what about their health by at least taking a quick walk or getting a little exercise in before woofing down their high calorie artery clogging meal. I mean that’s something at least! They’re totally compromising halfway down the middle on doing the right thing and I even think Dave Thomas, the founder of Wendy’s who had a big-ass gut would agree that that takes some guts! Not big-ass abdominal guts like Dave but courage type guts like Clark Kent/Superman!)

P.S. Carless people have rights too and deserve the chance to go through the drive thru!

(Hey, that rhymes! Cool!)

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Hey fellow travelers and travelettes, if you ever decide to travel through New England, Prescott Park has the best amenities. To check them out, keep reading!

A Noteworthy Attribute:
(Prescott Park/Lavatory)
Cost:  Free — and in the Obama economy that sounds darn good to me!For most people who visit Prescott Park, their favorite thing is all the different varieties of beautiful and colorful flowers planted all over the park.

And for some people who visit Prescott Park who love fitness and exercise their favorite thing is to walk on the many paths in the park in a safe setting.

And for some homeless people who visit Prescott Park their favorite thing is the nice peaceful setting filled with many comfortable benches all over the park with some overlooking the exquisite flowers and some overlooking the sometimes disgustingly dirty Piscataqua River where they can eat and rest at for a long while after a long hard day of job hunting or slacking off due to being kicked out of Crossroads Homeless Shelter for the day.

And for some people who visit Prescott Park who are true romantics at heart their favorite thing is that on any given day they may come across a wedding so ethereal that they wonder if what they are really seeing is indeed real or they have fallen asleep and somehow been transported into some kind of wonderful fairy tale.

And for some people who visit Prescott Park who are very maternal and paternal their favorite thing is to see all of the different families in all shapes, sizes, colors and creeds picnicking all over the excellently manicured lawns of the park or see both heterosexual and homosexual parents alike scream things lovingly at their children like, “Don’t put that into your mouth because we can’t afford to have your stomach pumped at the hospital!” or “Where did that hickey come from, young lady, it wasn’t there 25 minutes ago!”

But screw all that crap, literally!

(Really loud snicker!)

Because for me, Tina “Knowledgeable” Peden, my personal favorite thing about Prescott Park borders on the unusual.  My favorite thing about Prescott Park is the women’s lavatory!  And here are it’s many amenities:

-Toilets with ultra-fast flushing speed that rival any driver racing at the Indianapolis 500 today.
-Rolls and rolls of strong and sturdy toilet paper guaranteed to last up against the most runny number 2 stools.
-Stalls so darn large that even triple crown winning horse Secretariat could easily take a dump in.
-A lavatory so airy due to the main door always being open that even the stinkiest piss or poop smells vanish within minutes.

So fellow travelers, if you ever find yourselves visiting Portsmouth New Hampshire and you suddenly have to take a serious dump due to all of the delicious seafood that you scarfed down at Jumpin’ Jay’s Fish Cafe and are unfortunately with your husband and gazillion kids and want to ditch them for a few hours so that you can let the excrement flow, then haul your butt and brood over pronto to  Prescott Park and “dump” them there so that they can enjoy the many amenities that the park has to offer while you enjoy my personal favorite amenity of Prescott Park, the Prescott Park Lavatory and poop until your heart and colon are completely content!

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Hey venture capitalists, if you dare, check out my unique business idea below!

The Red-Blooded American Male Gentlemen’s Club!

“The only health club for men in America where a man can get a good workout, a good stiff drink and a good ol’ fashioned lap dance that will probably cause one of his organs to become stiff all under the same roof!”

“Erotic physical fitness for today’s hot-blooded American male!”

Venture capitalist can open up a nationwide chain of health clubs for men ONLY in major cities like New York City, Los Angeles, Chicago, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Denver, Phoenix, St. Louis, Dallas et cetera with all of the amenities that a normal health club offers but with one unique amenity, lap dances.

This is easy breezy! Any advertising copy with the words “lap dance” in it or a photograph of a beautiful girl doing a lap dance aimed at red-blooded american males should do the trick. Also coupons can be utilized vigorously! For example, a free two week membership to the club which includes a complimentary lap dance could be offered then all the venture capitalist has to do is sit back and watch the word-of-mouth advertising and paid memberships come pouring in!

A Healthy Lap Dance!

A series of aerobic/athletic dance moves performed by an “e” or “v” girl either on the client’s lap or a few feet in front of him after his regular workout for the express purpose of raising the blood level in the client’s penis thereby giving his lucky-ass an additional workout and making him feel oh so good all over especially in the dick area!

“E” Girl! (A woman who has had sexual experience.)
“V” Girl! (A woman who has had no sexual experience or is a virgin.)
(Like Superman or Laverne from the tv show, Laverne and Shirley, each girl can wear a letter on her clothing to distinguish which she is.)

Girls selected should be of all races, different ages, various heights, weights and measurements. (There should be a girl for every client’s tastes who comes into the health club.) All girls must be in good health and be excellent dancers and be adept at learning new moves and routines.

The plug or ultimate reason why guys should come to this health club over every other should be the lap dances. Fresh, exciting and titillating dance routines accompanied with sexy leotards, short shorts and other unique workout clothing should really pack a punch!

The music should set the pace for each lap dance! Any and every style of music can be played while the “e” or “v” girls perform their routines but the song that MUST be played on the first lap dance of the day is the song, “Music” by Madonna. This song really gets the party going! And here are a couple of other songs that your “v” or “e” girls might want to consider performing to:

-Do It Till Your Satisfied by B.T. Express
-Sweat by C&C Music Factory
-Physical by Olivia Newton John
-Kung Fu Fighting by Carl Douglas
-Get It On Bang A Gong by The Power Station
-Like A Virgin by Madonna (or basically any song by Madonna will do.)

MAJOR SUGGESTION(S): Early on a signature dance or routine should be established for the health club to get the buzz going! One of the venture capitalist’s first moves in getting this venture off of the ground should be to hire a kick-ass choreographer asap!

For those clients who are still kinky-ass kids at heart, choreographer’s try coming up with a fun dance routine to the above mentioned song, Get It On Bang A Gong by The Power Station. The catch being all the dance moves performed for the client have to be performed on a “Twister” board. Do you remember the game, “Twister,” where approximately four people played and each one of them had to put one of their body parts on a certain colored circle? Wasn’t that fun! Oh God, I remember all of those tangled up body parts! And I bet you alot of red-blooded American guys would love to see four beautiful girls in sexy aerobic outfits performing a kick-ass, tangled up-ass routine on a “Twister” board and on their laps too! I mean it’s just what the doctor ordered after a good workout!

-Weight/Nautilus Area
-Shower/Bathtub/Locker Room Area
-Business Area (Internet, fax, phone, copier, etc.)
-Message/Steam Room Area
-Food & Drink Bar (Food should consist of healthy things like: fruits, veggies, or nuts and decadent things too like ice cream, french fries or chocolate. Drinks served can be anything from milk, bottled water, soda or an alcoholic drink like a screwdriver which is part vodka and part orange juice. Since the girls who do the lap dances are called either “e” or “v” girls you can apply this terminology to the drinks too. You can serve “v” drinks or virgin drinks that contain no alcohol. You can also serve “e” drinks or experienced drinks that contain alcohol. If you do serve alcoholic drinks have the client sign a waiver of liablility or responsiblilty in case of an accident or limit the number of alcoholic drinks per day that a client can have at the club. Also for the red-blooded male with a raunchy sense of humor, “suggestive” snacks like “nuts,” “balls,” a long celery or carrot stick stuck in the middle of a mound of dip can represent an erect dick surrounded by a puddle of cum, two scoops of ice cream with chocolate chips on top can represent tits and nipples, banana bread cut into a triangle with squiggly black frosting on top can represent the pussy and pubic hair. Let’s face it, “suggestive” snacks are fun and big sellers especially after a long tiring workout!)
-Cooling Off/Lay Dreaming Center (A cool and calming room/place that men can go to sit or lay down and relax or dream after they have had their healthy lap dance. Cold drinks should be allowed in this area.)
-Gift Shop
-Candy Store (For those clients who will always be true kids at heart or for those clients who are down right kinky baby, items such as licorice ropes to play s&m bondage games and pixy stix to pour and lick off their partner’s body and much much more can be sold as well.)
-Physician/Doctor’s Office (Onsite staff should include a doctor, nurse, certified or licensed nursing assistant, medical secretary. There should always be a doctor or nurse in each club because you never know exactly how a lap dance by a hot girl will affect a man’s heart or other organs. So just to be safe and secure, always employ medical staff and have the client sign a waiver of liability or responsiblility.)
-Onsite Bouncer/Security Guards
-Gift Shop
-Photographer/Photo Shop (A roaming photographer can be hired to take pictures of guys getting lap dances and their family or friends reactions, etc. Photos can also be spontaneous or staged too.)
-Public/Private Restrooms
-Stage/Lap Dance Performance Area With Spotlight
-Private/Personal Lap Dance Rooms
-Lap Dance/Personal Dance
-In House DJ (Disc Jockey)
-“E” and “V” Girls

-Public Restrooms
-Dance Studio
-Storage Areas
-Conference Rooms

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1. I absolutely cannot exercise because:
-I have an I.Q. of 175, and it wouldn’t be fair to have brains and brawn
-I don’t want to look like Lara Flynn Boyle
-I don’t want to perpetuate a Hollywood stereotype that young girls have to live up to
-I want to look like a “real” man

2. I don’t have to exercise because:
-I’m already thin and if I exercise there won’t be anything left of me
-I have superior metabolism
-I only chew one tin of tobacco per day
-I already have lots of energy

3. My idea of  “Warming Up” before a workout is to:
-Go lie under an electric blanket for 15 minutes
-Go sit in front of a fireplace with a good book for 15 minutes
-Go down to the local bar and order a “Boilermaker” and nurse it for 15 minutes
-Go into the kitchen and make a cup of hot chocolate topped off with marshmallows and 15 different kinds of cookies

4. My favorite weight-loss reality tv show is:
-The Biggest Loser
-Celebrity Fit Club
-The Simple Life starring Paris Hilton & Nicole Ritchie

5. I exercise everyday by:
-Walking 12 feet to my mailbox to retrieve the mail
-Skipping 3 blocks down to the local Dunkin’ Donuts
-Jumping up 2 times to use the bathroom during the commercial breaks on the six-o’clock news
-Twirling round and round in my swivel chair for 30 seconds

6. Organic Foods:
-Are made from the organs of humans and animals
-Make a person poop every 3 hours
-Are only eaten by people who have squirrels as pets
-Taste bland and are indigestible

7. The best fashion/exercise moment in history is:
-Richard Simmons sweatin’ to the oldies in Daisy-Duke short-shorts
-Jennifer Beals dancing like she’s never danced before in a torn sweatshirt in the movie, Flashdance
-Jamie Lee Curtis, aerobics instructor extraordinaire, doin’ kick-ass fun-ass 80’s style aerobic moves in her exercise classes decked out in crazy-ass leg warmers and a spank-ass waistbelt in the 1985 campy cult exercise movie classic, Perfect
-Olivia Newton-John sauntering around in the “Physical” video wearing a headband, leotard & leg warmers

8. I can’t afford to exercise because:
-the Air Jordan tennis shoes I need cost $150
-I have to pay for my kid’s college education in 18 years, so I have to start saving up NOW
-I am a member of a one-income family
-Let’s face it, Band-aids ain’t cheap

9. All of the above answers are not only incredibly ridiculous but they are the worst excuses in the world for not exercising and eating properly?
A. True
B. False

10. Excuses will help you lose weight and support your family, mentally and financially, when you drop dead from coronary heart disease?
A. True
B. False

P.S. Tell me the worst excuse you have come up with to get out of exercising?

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