Posts tagged First Lady

RETRO PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION GEMS: HEY BARACK & MICHELLE OBAMA: FOR YOUR CAMPAIGN’S SAKE, SHUT YOUR YAPS!


This is a humor piece that I wrote for the 2008 Presidential Election back in April 2008 on Instablogs. So turn back the clocks and reminise!

Picture it! I’m using my best “valley girl” voice circa 1983.

Okay, like, Barack Obama said like the people in rural Pennsylvania are bitter and angry.

Which was like sooo totally lame!

But I like forgive him because he’s such a total hunk!

He’s so tubular! Omigod!

And his wife, Michelle like totally said for the first time in her adult life, she was proud of her country.

Which was like so grody to the max!

But I like totally forgive her because her husband is such a total hunk!

He’s so tubular! Omigod!

Okay, I have to stop this right now. I mean, I love the 80’s but it’s time to say goodbye to my “valley girl” voice and the 80’s and move on from this retro reminising.

Besides it’s giving me a headache! (Or it could be the Olivia Newton-John headband that I am wearing around my head that could be giving me the headache. But I digress.)

Anyhoo, before I say goodbye to the 80’s completely, (I love you Deborah Foreman and Nicholas Cage! You guys did an awesome job in the movie!) there is one thing that I have to say.

Hey Barack & Michelle Obama, shut your yaps!

I mean, haven’t you idiots learned anything?

When the hell will politicians and their boring wives learn that when you are running for president of the United States of America and want to be president of the United States of America basically you can’t say a damn thing, zip, nada!

You have to keep your damn mouth shut about everything!

Barack, you can ask your grocer, doctor or even your car salesman to talk for you but you have to keep your mouth shut or it’s career suicide!

Basically you’ll never win the election if you say something!

Let’s face it, whenever a politician opens his or her mouth they are absolutely guaranteed to offend somebody.

At this time, I would like to send a shout out to rural Pennsylvania! How ya’ll feelin’ today?

So here’s a little advice to any politician out there considering running for president of the United States of America, always remember that Americans don’t have thick skin, they don’t let bygones be bygones, they don’t believe in that bullshit–sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. Americans get pissed off over the littlest thing!

So Barack and Michelle, for your campaign’s sake, shut your yaps!

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RETRO PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION GEMS: (FIRST LADY BILL CLINTON, OH YEAH, I CAN FEEL THAT!)


This is a humor piece that I wrote for the 2008 presidential election back in March 2008. So, jump into the retro time machine and enjoy!

Being a former president, let’s face it, Bill Clinton has experience with first ladies not to mention White House interns, cigars, blue dresses and ugly women in general.

But I digress.

So now that the tables are turned Sadie Hawkins-style the burning question on every Laura Bush supporter’s mind is ………….

Can Bill Clinton step into his predecessor’s eloquent shoes to carry out his duties as hostess of the White House?

And if I can put my two cents in, I personally think that they should keep the “First Lady” title instead of changing it to “First Gentleman” if Hilary Clinton is elected, just for the hell of it plus the title “First Lady Bill Clinton” is hilarious and you know it!

Anyhow, back to the show.

Even though the job of “First Lady” has been labeled in the press as being nothing more than a glorified housewife, there is so much more to it. The job of First Lady entails taking complete charge of all social and ceremonial events in the White House.

To help the First Lady carry out these sometimes daunting and arduous tasks that these events usually require is her own personal staff consisting of a White House Social Secretary, Press Secretary, Chief Floral Designer, Chief of Staff, Executive Chef, etc.

What alot of people don’t know is that the Office of the First Lady is a branch of the Executive Office of the President. So basically, the job of First Lady entails more than just making fish sticks and fries and watching General Hospital. It can be alot of work!

And what alot of Laura Bush supporter’s want to know is if “Mr. Controversy”, Bill Clinton is up to the job.

My answer……….

Oh yeah baby, oh yeah!

(And incidentally are probably the same exact words that Bill Clinton was moaning as he was getting his “leader of the free world red white and blue” dick sucked by his “extremely unattractive girl you outta’ know better than suck the president’s married dick underling,”  Monica Lewinsky.)

Anyhoo, First Lady Bill Clinton, Oh Yeah, I Can Feel That!

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