Posts tagged Flowers


Hey fellow travelers and travelettes, if you ever decide to travel through New England, Prescott Park has the best amenities. To check them out, keep reading!

A Noteworthy Attribute:
(Prescott Park/Lavatory)
Cost:  Free — and in the Obama economy that sounds darn good to me!For most people who visit Prescott Park, their favorite thing is all the different varieties of beautiful and colorful flowers planted all over the park.

And for some people who visit Prescott Park who love fitness and exercise their favorite thing is to walk on the many paths in the park in a safe setting.

And for some homeless people who visit Prescott Park their favorite thing is the nice peaceful setting filled with many comfortable benches all over the park with some overlooking the exquisite flowers and some overlooking the sometimes disgustingly dirty Piscataqua River where they can eat and rest at for a long while after a long hard day of job hunting or slacking off due to being kicked out of Crossroads Homeless Shelter for the day.

And for some people who visit Prescott Park who are true romantics at heart their favorite thing is that on any given day they may come across a wedding so ethereal that they wonder if what they are really seeing is indeed real or they have fallen asleep and somehow been transported into some kind of wonderful fairy tale.

And for some people who visit Prescott Park who are very maternal and paternal their favorite thing is to see all of the different families in all shapes, sizes, colors and creeds picnicking all over the excellently manicured lawns of the park or see both heterosexual and homosexual parents alike scream things lovingly at their children like, “Don’t put that into your mouth because we can’t afford to have your stomach pumped at the hospital!” or “Where did that hickey come from, young lady, it wasn’t there 25 minutes ago!”

But screw all that crap, literally!

(Really loud snicker!)

Because for me, Tina “Knowledgeable” Peden, my personal favorite thing about Prescott Park borders on the unusual.  My favorite thing about Prescott Park is the women’s lavatory!  And here are it’s many amenities:

-Toilets with ultra-fast flushing speed that rival any driver racing at the Indianapolis 500 today.
-Rolls and rolls of strong and sturdy toilet paper guaranteed to last up against the most runny number 2 stools.
-Stalls so darn large that even triple crown winning horse Secretariat could easily take a dump in.
-A lavatory so airy due to the main door always being open that even the stinkiest piss or poop smells vanish within minutes.

So fellow travelers, if you ever find yourselves visiting Portsmouth New Hampshire and you suddenly have to take a serious dump due to all of the delicious seafood that you scarfed down at Jumpin’ Jay’s Fish Cafe and are unfortunately with your husband and gazillion kids and want to ditch them for a few hours so that you can let the excrement flow, then haul your butt and brood over pronto to  Prescott Park and “dump” them there so that they can enjoy the many amenities that the park has to offer while you enjoy my personal favorite amenity of Prescott Park, the Prescott Park Lavatory and poop until your heart and colon are completely content!

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Hey girlie, remember, it’s your day and you can do anything that you want to! (Girls Gone Wild, Woo-Hoo!) And if doing what you want means taking your wedding guests to the “cleaners” financially, then, oh well! So be it! Ka-ching!
Hey, it’s not like you held a gun to their heads and forced them to spend their money on your service! Uh-huh, honey, it was their decision to spend their money on your service. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! (Faux evil laugh as I rub my hands diabolically together!)

But before I get ahead of myself (which I already have) and you begin to ask yourselves, “What the hell is this chick talking about?” (which you already have) Check this out!

There is a company in Utah named “Speaking Roses.” The company is very unique and innovative. Speaking Roses has developed a process in which photographic images and written words can be printed on the petals of a flower. How cool is that!

I mean, how wonderful is it to have the ability to send another individual flowers and a mini-greeting card all at the same time. And let’s face it, a flower smells a hell of alot better than a greeting card made out of paper. Sorry, Hallmark, American Greetings and Blue Mountain Arts but it’s true and you know it!

Other companies in the floral industry may be able to offer you the same photo and text services printed on a flower but how many of them give a person the chance to be their own boss like Speaking Roses does? Ya’ know be numero uno, the big cheese, basically the big kahuna! Not many. Alot of other companies just don’t want to share the wealth with anyone but themselves and that makes me so sad and mad! (Hey, that rhymes!)

So, listen up enterprising brides: The floral, gifts and greeting card industries make billions of dollars in just the United States alone so why not use your income tax refund to get your share of the American dream pie by becoming a Speaking Roses licensed owner and starting your own flower embossing business and kick-starting it on your wedding day!

Here are some of the benefits of this bridal business launch:

-your customers can give their recipients that “wow” factor that they just can’t get from an ordinary greeting card.

-you can pay back mom and dad the money that they paid for the wedding which is a pretty nice and much appreciated gesture. Yahoo!

-make a steady income off of your future husband’s lame-ass desperate for a date single friends.

-perfect for people with short attention spans who don’t like to read traditional greeting cards. (Loud-ass snicker and a big “omigod!)

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Ladies, has this ever happened to you?

You put on your best dress, shave the two month stubble off of your armpits, called in every favor (legal and illegal) known to man, just for one romantic grown ups only dinner out on the town with your husband and just as you are about to open the door, the phone rings and your babysitter informs you that she has to cancel.

What the hell do you do?

Do you cancel your romantic dinner out on the town that you have been looking forward to for so long or do you go out anyway?

Remember ladies, we always have options. So it is basically up to you what you want to do.

But if I can put my two cents in, I say, screw it, and you quickly put a nice outfit on those kids, grab the pacifier and a couple of small toys and games and go out anyway.

Suck it up and think of this semi-romantic dinner out on the town as a challenge especially if your children are very young. But, nevertheless, a challenge that you can overcome and win!

And here’s how to do it, winner.

There are three important rules that a couple has to follow if they want to have a successful semi-romantic dinner out of the town with the kids.

Rule Number 1: Include, Include, Include!

This is the most important rule of all!

It is an absolute requirement that you make your children an intregal part of your romantic dinner. Your children cannot feel left out at any point. Children, who feel included are less likely to behave badly. So, include, include, include! Below are a couple of ways how to do this.

Instead of ordering a bottle of wine for you and your husband and a couple of sodas for the kids, ladies ask the waiter or bartender if they have any grape or apple juice. (Most restaurants will have them.) Then have everybody lift their glasses or baby bottles and make a toast to your husband and then tell everybody to take a sip of their “wine.” Ladies don’t forget to let the kids make a couple of toasts to you and your husband too. Remember, include, include, include. (Ladies, you can also stop by the grocery store and pick up a bottle or can of apple or grape juice before you go to the restaurant. Easy breezy!)

If the restaurant has an area where people can dance, by all means dance! Have fun! And couples don’t forget to ask your children to dance with you. Mom dance with your son! Dad dance with your daughter or vice versa. Couples make it a threesome by dancing with each other and one of your children. Don’t forget to encourage your children to dance with each other as well! Couples remember to include, include, include!

If the restaurant has strolling violin players or a band, ask them to play a kiddie song like, “Old MacDonald Had A Farm” or “The B-I-N-G-O. Song” where the kids can sing along to it and be a part of. Also, couples be sure to sing along with the kids and encourage other people in the restaurant to sing along too to create a fun and festive atmosphere. (Couples, don’t be afraid to ask any musicians in the restaurant to do this. Remember, alot of them probably have children of their own or are happy to play a kiddie song to make your children happy.)

Guys, be sure to “feed” your wife a couple of bites of your food from your own fork or spoon and encourage her to do the same to you. Couples don’t forget to feed the kids a couple of bites of your food and encourage them to feed you a couple of bites of their food. Guys, also ask the waiter if the restaurant offers a dessert like chocolate dipped strawberries or plain fruit like strawberries, blueberries, watermelon slices or grapes. If so, order whichever one that you prefer and feed them to your wife and kids.

Couples, when you want a few seconds to yourselves throughout the evening. Tell the kids that you want to play a game called, “Freeze.” Tell them that whenever you or your spouse says the word, “Freeze,” that the kids have to stop what they are doing for 10 seconds and be still. This means no talking as well. Couples, this will allow you to sneak in a few kisses and hugs in those 10 seconds. Be sure to reward the kids with a couple of hugs and kisses too for playing the game. Plus, be sure to also whip out those small handheld electronic games or mp3 players with headsets for additional seconds to sneak in a few kisses and hugs with your spouse too.

If the restaurant that you go to sells flowers, heart-shaped balloons, boxes of chocolates or other gifts, guys buy a rose not only for your lovely lady but for each one of your children too. By doing this you will make your children feel special, keep their hands busy and give them something all their own to remember this special evening with. Ladies, buy a heart-shaped balloon for your hubby and each one of your children too to make them feel included and to give them a little responsibility as well.

Couples, if you feel up to it and the kids are not too tired and it is safe to do so, take a short walk after your semi-romantic dinner. Hold and caress hands as you walk with your spouse. Couples don’t forget to hold your children’s hands as well and encourage them to hold each others hands too. Make everyone a true part of the walk. Include, include, include!

Rule Number 2: No Constant Yelling or Scolding!

Before you embark on your semi-romantic dinner out on the town with the kids be prepared for the fact that some of the people in the restaurant that you will go to will actually be pissed off at you for bringing your kids along. Usually couples and adults are patrons of restaurants that are deemed “romantic” or “fine dining” establishments. So bringing the kids along to a “romantic restaurant” or “fine dining establishment” will definitely make you unpopular with some of the patrons. But, so what! It’s none of their business anyway. America is a free country. And most restaurants don’t ban children from them, even “romantic restaurants” or “fine dining establishments” because of the crying and noise that they sometimes make. That would be illegal and open the restaurant up to alot of lawsuits.

But couples do your part by not adding fuel to the fire by constantly yelling and scolding your children. Nobody wants to hear that. If you do have to say something to your children like, “Quit hitting your sister!” or “Your behavior is unacceptable!” try to do it in a quiet but firm manner. And if this isn’t working and some heavy duty yelling and scolding is in order, take the child somewhere private like to the restroom or outside the restaurant to do this.

Rule Number 3: Smile and Laugh a lot!

This is the easiest and most fun rule of all!

Throughout your semi-romantic dinner out on the town with the kids try to smile and laugh as much as you possibly can. Remember couples, like dogs and bees can smell a person’s fear, children have the same ability to sense unhappiness in their parents and respond accordingly usually negatively. So smile and laugh alot to send out happy positive vibes that your children will not only pick up on but respond to accordingly. Like Ricardo Montalban’s character “Mr. Roarke” would constantly say on the 1970’s tv show, Fantasy Island, “Smiles everyone, smiles!”

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