Posts tagged Funny

ELECTION 2016, WHAT WILL YOU BE? A SONG WRITTEN BY TINA KNOWLEDGEABLE PEDEN


Verse 1:

-Ted Cruz was the first one to break his presidential run cherry,
-Rest in peace, “Bitch, set me up”, former D.C. Mayor Marion Barry,
-Don’t ya’ll think Monica Lewinsky’s 2015 comeback is precursor-ass scary,
-On no, Election 2016, i’m starting to feel a little bit wary,
-Oh Election 2016, I need some alka seltzer, Jesus, Joseph and Mary!

Chorus:

-Oh Election 2016, what will you be,
-A lovely lady or debonair gentlemen to me,
-Oh Election 2016, what will you be,
-Will you love or totally bitch slap the hell outta’ me,
-Election 2016, to put it former Governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger bluntly,
-Will you Frank and Claire Underwood totally fuck the shit out of me,
-Oh Election 2016, please please tell me,
-Just what in the hell will you be,
-All this not knowing is driving me absolutely crazy,
-Hey, I just can’t wait till Tuesday, November 8, 2016 baby,
-When the answer to my question will be revealed at last, finally!

Verse 2:

-My fellow Americans if Hilary is elected her husband will fuck every intern in the White House, he likes em’ young, baby,
-My fellow Americans if any Republican is elected they will give more tax breaks to the ultra rich like the Koch brothers, loud-ass carbonated burp, honey,
-Oh shut up liberal and leave Bristol Palin and other unqualified politician’s youngin’s be,
-Go suck an egg conservative before spending some of that leftover pocketed super pac money,
-Ahhh, Election 2016, the mudslinging goal, make your political opponent look like one hell of a pussy!

Chorus:

-Oh Election 2016, what will you be,
-A lovely lady or debonair gentlemen to me,
-Oh Election 2016, what will you be,
-Will you love or totally bitch slap the hell outta’ me,
-Election 2016, to put it former Governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger bluntly,
-Will you Frank and Claire Underwood totally fuck the shit out of me,
-Oh Election 2016, please please tell me,
-Just what in the hell will you be,
-All this not knowing is driving me absolutely crazy,
-Hey, I just can’t wait till Tuesday, November 8, 2016 baby,
-When the answer to my question will be revealed at last, finally!

Verse 3:

-Racism, poverty, immigration, usually not problems facing the tea party,
-Democrats in regards to these problems aren’t exactly Mother Teresa saintly,
-Oh fair candidate, oh dark candidate, we oh so need you to help us fix problems like these urgently,
-Show yourself gallant sir or bewitching maiden and lead us to economic and social prosperity,
-Election 2016 candidates, show us you really care, not Obamacare, oh so swiftly!

Chorus:

-Oh Election 2016, what will you be,
-A lovely lady or debonair gentlemen to me,
-Oh Election 2016, what will you be,
-Will you love or totally bitch slap the hell outta’ me,
-Election 2016, to put it former Governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger bluntly,
-Will you Frank and Claire Underwood totally fuck the shit out of me,
-Oh Election 2016, please please tell me,
-Just what in the hell will you be,
-All this not knowing is driving me absolutely crazy,
-Hey, I just can’t wait till Tuesday, November 8, 2016 baby,
-When the answer to my question will be revealed at last, finally!

Verse 4:

-Candidates, try not to Aaron Schock us by spending taxpayer money ala Downton Abbey,
-Or wiping your email server clean when you are not supposed to ala Clinton Hillary,
-Stop all the bullshit and fulfill all your campaign promises to your constituency,
-Bring back honor to politics and end the stereotypical rhetoric about politicians asap,
-Then you will see more people turning out to vote in elections incessantly! (Whoopee)

Chorus:

-Oh Election 2016, what will you be,
-A lovely lady or debonair gentlemen to me,
-Oh Election 2016, what will you be,
-Will you love or totally bitch slap the hell outta’ me,
-Election 2016, to put it former Governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger bluntly,
-Will you Frank and Claire Underwood totally fuck the shit out of me,
-Oh Election 2016, please please tell me,
-Just what in the hell will you be,
-All this not knowing is driving me absolutely crazy,
-Hey, I just can’t wait till Tuesday, November 8, 2016 baby,
-When the answer to my question will be revealed at last, finally!

Verse 5:

-So Republicans, rush rush to the polls and do the Limbaugh baby,
-And Democrats hurry hurry to the polls and honor the Kennedy legacy,
-And if you like to masturbate, go out and vote Independently,
-Whatever gets you off, just make your voice heard great sex loudly,
-But most of all, American red, white and blue star spangled proudly!

Chorus:

-Oh Election 2016, what will you be,
-A lovely lady or debonair gentlemen to me,
-Oh Election 2016, what will you be,
-Will you love or totally bitch slap the hell outta’ me,
-Election 2016, to put it former Governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger bluntly,
-Will you Frank and Claire Underwood totally fuck the shit out of me,
-Oh Election 2016, please please tell me,
-Just what in the hell will you be,
-All this not knowing is driving me absolutely crazy,
-Hey, I just can’t wait till Tuesday, November 8, 2016 baby,
-When the answer to my question will be revealed at last, finally!

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WHAT HOURS DO YOU SELL BOOZE?


Sorry, I don’t know what hours we sell liquor maam,
When I heard those words I thought really goddamn,
Cause’ if I was any kind of a store employee,
That is the first thing for certain I would know baby,
For me, for a store to be legit,
They better know what hours they sell their 50 proof shit,
I mean one of the best perks of the damn job,
For any hardworking minimum wage paid store slob,
Would be after work Miller time, hey, and a shot of Jim Beam,
And if this customer comes after hours and can’t buy hootch i’m gonna’ scream,
And if this customer calls for the hours and gets transferred alot cause’ you don’t know,
You better believe i’m gonna’ be pissed and tell your ass where to go,
So 7-Eleven, CVS, Walmart and all other stores regarding training, do your damn job,
You so-called friendly convenience corporations before your confronted by an angry mob,
And first have your employees memorize what hours your store sells the liquor at,
And this Sherlock Holmes will find it in any store aisle less than a minute flat,
Baby, I promise you that!

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HEY VAIN RICH GUYS, HERE’S SOME HELPFUL KICK IN THE ASS ADVICE IN REGARDS TO YOUR LOVE LIFE & OTHER THINGS!


Hey vain rich guys, since it is a new year, here is some unsolicited advice to help you get off to a good start.  So picture this fictional scenario.

Vain rich guys, you are currently in the “so damn glad that Christmas is over” cycle but unfortunately due to consuming all of those 180 proof eggnog cocktails on December 26th, 2013 white hot needles of hangover pain have thrown a less than glowing spotlight on your love life.

Looking back now at Christmas day 2013 you think that maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to insist on carving your blind date’s apple cranberry stuffed turkey with your new $90.00 gold-plated locker key to the fancy schmancy gym/spa that you belong to.  But unfortunately your bloodlust for control, attention and expensive worthless material shit clouded your judgment along with all of those damn 180 eggnog cocktails.

(Note to self:  I’m never drinking anything 180 proof ever again!  Well, at least not until Super Bowl Sunday at the country club.)

Anyhoo ……….

Vain rich guys, you also came to the realization that it also didn’t help your love life on Christmas day either when you threatened to tell all of the kids in your date’s neighborhood that Santa didn’t exist, pissing off your date even further, if they played one lyric of the classic Christmas song, “Holly Jolly Christmas” by Burl Ives in lieu of playing “Santa Baby” by Madonna because in your humble opinion even though Burl Ives can sing his big-ass off he still is so damn unattractive that he makes you want to puke Christmas tree shaped multi-colored vomit all over the place.

Burn!

So all in all vain rich guys, even though the above things may not have specifically happened to you, THE POINT IS, every vain rich guy should know that going through life judging people harshly by their looks, not using their noggin before saying stupid-ass things, shamelessly flaunting material possessions and acting like a moronic control freak will not only get you a well deserved kick in the ass and your ass kicked to the curb by any sane female but eventually will leave you a lonely pathetic masturbating fool.

Burn!

So vain rich guys, instead try turning over a brand spankin’ new $5,000 Ralph Lauren jock strap for the new year!  Vain rich guys, turn that stupid-ass trait upside down by using your material fortune to buy a small gift for a friend or purchasing some tasty but expensive-ass food for a homeless shelter!  And vain rich guys,  if you do feel the need to make a negative comment about somebody’s looks simply think the bad thing in your head and keep your damn mouth shut!

And vain rich guys, I really do hope that you have a happy and prosperous new year!

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HEY THIS ONE’S FOR YOU IMELDA MARCOS, MANOLO BLAHNIK, CARRIE BRADSHAW & SHOE LOVERS ALL OVER THE WORLD!


Shoeacidal is a medical condition in which extreme depression is immediately suffered by either a woman, gay male,  metrosexual or anybody who watches reruns of the HBO former hit tv series,  Sex and The City, over seeing a cute pair of shoes that would look great on them but unfortunately they can’t buy them because the shoes are either too damn expensive or the individual is too broke-ass to buy them. This depression often leads to thoughts of ending their lives when in reality there’s no chance in fucking hell that these individuals would ever harm themselves, which is a good thing! These individuals are simply being melodramatic and totally stupid-ass over not being able to buy themselves a cute pair of shoes that they want so desperately at that particular moment in time.

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BEFORE YOU HEAD OFF TO YOUR LOCAL KROGER’S, A&P OR PIGGLY WIGGLY, IT’S GROCERY STORE HUMOR TIME!


NecessitiesTotallySuckItis is a painful temporary swelling of the face and vocal cords triggered by a traumatic trip to the grocery store. It is usually caused when an individual buys all of the things on their list at the grocery store but once everything is rung up in the checkout lane the individual discovers that he or she doesn’t have enough money to buy everything so they have to put a couple of important items back like the cheesecake, pizza and beer and keep the stupid-ass things like the toilet paper, shampoo and toothpaste thereby making the individual so mad that he or she loudly exclaims right in the damn store that necessities totally suck in an extremely hoarse voice.

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I WOULD LOVE TO SEE A MALE COMEDIAN DO SOMETHING UNUSUAL LIKE . . . . .


Whip out a pair of granny panties or a thong on stage then put them on but stop when the panties or thong is just above the male comedian‘s knees.

Then I would like to see the male comedian whip out a big ol’ bulky ass sanitary napkin, tear off the adhesive strip and throw it at one of the male audience member’s forehead then fasten the sanitary napkin securely to the panties or thong. Then I would like to see the male comedian whip out a 20 oz bottle of Hawaiian Punch and pour that sucker directly into the sanitary napkin then throw the bottle to one of the ladies in the audience.

Then I would like to see the male comedian proudly pull the granny panties or thong up into the correct position over their rump and go out into the audience and walk around a bit while stopping periodically to hug some of the female audience members.

Hey, I would pay big money to see that!

And I would also give an additional monetary tip to the male comedian if they allowed me to get some pics with him while he is wearing the faux menstual period sanitary napkin as well.

Man, that would make me feel like a superior woman!

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TINA “KNOWLEDGEABLE” PEDEN’S POP CULTURE DICTIONARY (VOLUME 15) WHAT IS FRIGIDAIRE HEMORRHAGE?


(Definition) Frigidaire Hemorrhage is a sudden bursting of a blood vessel due to extreme anger over an inconsiderate or lazy-ass family member putting an almost empty ice tray back into the refrigerator. Although this condition has the possibility to become fatal if not treated it can often be avoided by simply filling up the DAMN ice tray with water, lemonade, Pepsi, gin & tonic or any other liquid substance but preferably water when it’s empty before putting it back into the DAMN refrigerator!

I will now use this term in a couple of sentences to clarify it’s meaning.

“After Maggie O’Gutsery was released from St. Patrick’s Day Memorial Hunter Green Hospital after an almost fatal Frigidaire Hemorrhage against doctor’s and her clergyman’s orders she hightailed it down to Pat O’Shalley’s Restaurant & Tavern and ordered a big-ass bloody mary filled with 11 cubes of ice from a 12 cube ice tray to calm her nerves before she went home to deal with her soon to be ex-husband.”

“Grandma Jackson happily ignored the Frigidaire Hemorrhage-like looks that her usually loving family gave her that night when she used up almost 15 trays of ice cubes to cool down her smoking feet due to jumping on them all day because of her massive bingo win earlier that day.”

“Still recovering from a mild case of Frigidaire Hemorrhage, Jonah had his college’s mascot, Squirt the bulldog, piss all over his dad’s eighteen century antique one of a kind desk in retaliation for coming over the night before and using practically all of the ice cubes in his small-ass dormitory fridge for a minor head wound that he sustained in a car accident that night that almost killed him rendering Jonah unable to make his famous ultra cool mint melt in your mouth pencil dick shaped jello shots for the freshman that were pledging his fraternity later that night.”

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