Posts tagged Girls

SCONES & TEA!


Verse 1:

-More tea, my lady,
-Thank you, mummy,
-You look beautiful in that frock from my wardrobe, my lady,
-Thank you, mummy,
-Do you need to go to the loo, my lady,
-No thank you, mummy,
-Time to check the chocolate chip scones from the oven, my lady,
-Must you really, mummy,
-Do you want them to burn, my lady,
-Now you’re really being cheeky, mummy,

Chorus:

-Scones and tea,
-Make me feel like aristocratic royalty,
-Having so much fun with mummy,
-Keep playing forever with me,
-At my fairy tale afternoon tea party, 
-Build mummy/daughter cherished memory,
-In photo album for all the world to see,
-Happy Mother’s Day, I love you mummy,

Verse 2:

-Do you want to do the waltz now, my lady,
-Yes I do, daddy,
-Do you want me to fight that big ol’ dragon now, my lady,
-Yes I do, daddy,
-Do you want me to crown you with this pink tiara now, my lady,
-Yes I do, daddy,
-After all of this hard work can I get some hugs and kisses from you now, my lady,
-Is it something that you feel strongly about and truly need from me, daddy,
-Good god yes, my beloved and extremely cheeky little lady,
-Then I shall come forth and proceed but since we still have lots to do I will make it quick, daddy,

Chorus:

-Scones and tea,
-Make me feel like aristocratic royalty,
-Having so much fun with daddy,
-Keep playing forever with me,
-At my fairy tale afternoon tea party, 
-Build daddy/daughter cherished memory,
-In photo album for all the world to see,
-Happy Father’s Day, I love you daddy,

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WOULD PRESIDENT OBAMA WANT MALIA AND SASHA TO TAKE THE PURITY PLEDGE?


I recently watched an episode of the tv news/entertainment show, Inside Edition where they did a feature story on Purity Balls.

And for those of you out there thinking that Inside Edition did a story on males with squeaky clean testicles, your dead wrong!

A Purity Ball is a formal party that is thrown where young girls wearing beautiful white ball gowns make a solemn vow to their fathers wearing black or white tie to abstain from having sex until they are married.

And folks, they are becoming more and more popular! Go figure!

Here are a few thoughts that I have on Purity Balls:

– In terms of teenage girls abstaining from sex until they’re hitched, i’m all for it because let’s face it a girl only gets to be young once in her life and for me that means going to college, traveling to different places and doing fun things without the encumbrances of adult life, i.e taking care of a constantly crying newborn baby when the girl who just gave birth to this baby is practically a baby herself!

– But in terms of Purity Balls when it comes to me personally I have to honestly say that I could never make such a solemn vow to abstain from sex until marriage because to me one of the most important parts of a healthy lasting relationship is good sex. It is an absolute requirement that I be sexually compatible with my man and for me the worst Purity Ball fear is that if I waited until after I was married to have sex with my man and found out that he was lousy in bed could I stay with this person forever knowing this no matter how much I loved him. Folks, i’m a person who likes to know exactly what I am getting when I buy or invest in something. I mean don’t get me wrong I like surprises every once in a while but in terms of the Purity Ball thing, no freakin’ way!

–  So in terms of Purity Balls not being the right thing for me personally i’m glad that they are the right thing for alot of other people out there especially teenage girls. And I hope to see more young girls making that solemn vow to abstain from sex until marriage and I really hope to see Purity Balls with young teenage males and their mothers making that solemn vow too!

– And last but not least,  no offense,  Purity Balls and people who participate in them are also a tad bit creepy to me.

P.S.     Although I applaud the general theory of the Purity Ball, I ain’t gonna’ lie and say that there is a little part of me that totally delights in a girl who thinks that she is better and more god fearing than you and has sworn up and down that she will not have sex until she’s married only to get knocked up and busted a short time later for being a total fraud and hypocrite.

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TINA KNOWLEDGEABLE PEDEN’S SEX & FOOD GUIDE! (VOLUME 2)


Hey guys, bisexual gals or straight up lesbians, if you wake up one morning and decide to have some super cinnamon toast for breakfast or in sex terms, a life sized inflatable black female doll slathered from head to toe with warm butter, cinnamon and sugar and are ready to chow down on it but all of a sudden the doll bursts and starts to deflate, take my knowledgeable advice and don’t get your panties or any other organ into a wad, simply turn a bitter lemon into sweet lemonade meaning instead of having yummy super cinnamon toast for your breakfast have yummy super cinnamon flat ass pancakes instead. As Campbell Soup and inflatable doll aficionados say, “Mmmm, mmmm good!”

KNOWLEDGEABLE TIP:   Remember people, when it comes to good yummy sex one must do as the successful comedians do: Improvise, improvise, improvise! In sex terms, Improvisation and The Second City Comedy Club in Chicago totally rules!

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TINA KNOWLEDGEABLE PEDEN’S SEX & FOOD GUIDE! (VOLUME 1)


For all of you nasty ass boys and gals or nasty ass gals and gals out there who love sex that hurts so good try the poppin’ ass cherry! Heteros and lesbos after some long-ass foreplay simply pop a package or two of cherry pop rocks up your lady’s snatch, put an ear up to it then once you hear that pussy go snap crackle pop then fellas insert that hot dick of yours or lesbos insert that hot dildo of yours into your lady’s poppin’ ass cherry pussy and get to pop pop poppin’ off yourself! Hey fellas and lesbos, after poppin’ off that dick or dildo in your lady’s pussy, ease your dick or dildo out then insert that poppin’ ass cherry dick or dildo into her ass and pop pop pop off in there too! And as a literal cherry on top – fellas and lesbos once you are finished poppin’ off in your lady’s pussy and ass take that cherry flavored dick or dildo out and when it comes to the secretions and cum left on that dick or dildo, do as Winona Ryder in the kick-ass 80’s cult movie classic, ‘Heathers’ says, “Lick it up baby! Lick it up!” In sex terms, couples when it comes to the poppin’ ass cherry every woman no matter how fucking experienced she is sexually can be pure as the driven snow again when it comes to this sexual technique.

KNOWLEDGEABLE TIP:   Hey couples, if your partner is an olympic secretor, then sop up some of that wet sticky cherry cum and put it into a tupperware container and refrigerate it then pop it out at least thirty minutes before your next sexual encounter and use it as homemade lubricant. Remember, in this economy even when it comes to sex, waste not want not baby! Waste not want not!

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TINA KNOWLEDGEABLE PEDEN’S DATING TIPS FOR WOMEN! (TIP 1) THIS ONE IS FOR MY GIRLS!


Hey Junk Food Junkie Gals, let me give you a tip.

DON’T CHANGE YOUR EATING HABITS RIGHT BEFORE YOU GO OUT ON A DATE!

JFJ Gals, your date ain’t gonna’ be able to handle it and your stomach damn well ain’t gonna’ be able to handle this shit either! Literally!

Girl let me school ya’!

Your stomach is used to all of that beautiful artery clogging grease due to all of those thick-ass, stacked-ass double cheeseburgers with all of the fixins that you have been wolfin’ down and all of those long-ass salty-ass french fries drenched with catsup that you have been scarfin’ up and all of those golden brown fried twinkies loaded with so many damn preservatives that if you left the bitch for 100 years and came back, the damn twinkie would still be edible, that your gluttonous ass has been gobblin’ up!

Girl, that’s the shit that your stomach is used to! So Girl, don’t be goin’ and committin’ suicide all up on your date! Girl, let me tell ya’ that your date ain’t gonna’ like it, the police ain’t gonna’ like it, the paramedics ain’t gonna’ like it and your family and friends sure as hell ain’t gonna’ like being inconvenienced and having to dole out mad cash simply because your stupid-ass got herself killed by deciding to turn over a new health food leaf on your date! Girl, wake the fuck up! So Girl, quit it! But in your case, don’t begin it!

Girl, if your dumb junk food junkie ass wants to turn over a new health food leaf, choose a different appropriate time like a week or two before you have your annual physical examination at the doctor’s office! Girl, that’s the perfect time for your junk food eatin’ ass!

BUT and I mean a big-ass BUT, for all of my stubborn-ass Junk Food Junkie Gals absolutely determined to turn over a new health food leaf on their date then your dumb-ass had better come prepared! Girl, let me give you some more advice and I pray to God you’ll take it this time. For God’s sake, go to the nearest Walmart before you go on your date and stock up on these supplies.

A big-ass can of air freshner due to all of the fartin’ and shittin’ you’ll be doing all up in the bathroom, a tin of altoid mints due to your nasty stinky breath from all of the upchuckin’ that you’ll be doing all up in the bathroom, a couple packages of tums antacid due to all of the upchuckin’ you’ll be doing all up in the bathroom, an extra pair of drawers due to soiling yourself from all of the fartin’ and shittin’ that you’ll be doing all up in the bathroom, a “Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego Detective Kit” for your date so that he can find you and determine if you simply deserted his ass or your shits really take that long, some boxing gloves so that you can protect yourself from all of the punches and bitch-slaps that you’ll be receiving from the establishment’s staff for stinkin’ up their bathroom and cloggin’ up their toilet and last but not least a first aid kit so that you can patch yourself up from all of the punches and bitch-slaps that you received due to all of the fartin’, shittin’, upchuckin’ and toilet cloggin’ that you did all up in that establishment’s bathroom.

Girl, be prepared for World War 3 if you decide to change your eating habits right before you go out on a date!

And don’t say, my girl, Tina Knowledgeable Peden didn’t warn you!

Because I did!

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ATTENTION LADIES OF ALL ASTROLOGICAL SIGNS, THIS IS YOUR HOROSCOPE FOR THE YEAR 2013!


Ladies, regardless whether you are an aries, taurus, gemini, cancer, leo, virgo, libra, scorpio, sagittarius, capricorn, aquarius or pieces, this is your horoscope for the period of January 1 – December 31, 2013, so let’s get started!

Money/Career Forecast: Luck! I see green, people! Good news! You will receive that long-awaited cost-of-living raise that you have been counting on! Unfortunately the extra 15 cents per hour won’t be enough to buy that six room beach house in the Bahamas or that pair of extra silky pantyhose with the built in granny panty crouch that you so desperately want. Dammit!
Lucky Day(s) of the Month: March 17th (Happy St. Patty’s Day!)

Love/Relationship Forecast: After years of praying, crying, binge eating chocolate bon-bons and 2,000 broken dishes, one of your wishes will finally come true when your longtime boyfriend finally tells you that he loves you but only after years of you pretending that you don’t want a serious relationship. But who cares! Better late than never! Your strategy finally paid off! You win!
Lucky Day(s) of the Month: February 14th (Happy Valentine’s Day!)

Fashion Forecast: Numerous compliments from men, women and chiguagua’s will come your way at work when you wear a stunning black dress that you bought on sale at Macys. But just remember ladies to keep a cool head when you find out after doing your laundry seven weeks later that the stunning black dress that you bought on sale is actually a MATERNITY dress and you’re not even close to being pregnant! (In fact, if the truth be told, your vagina has developed a big ol’ cobweb across the opening due to all of the sexual inactivity.) But anyhoo ladies always remember fashion rule number one: “Baby, it doesn’t matter how big a dress is, it’s how good you look in it! Work it, girl!” P.S. Big girls & thin girls rule the planet equally!
Lucky Day(s) of the Month: January 1st & July 4th (Happy New Year & Fourth of July!)

Entertainment Forecast: A new friend enters your life for a short time after a crisis situation. That’s right, you and Paris Hilton will become best buds after her filthy stinkin’ rich family finally decides to show some common sense by cutting off her inheritance and kicking her butt out of their expensive-ass diggs until she can show some damn sense. But being the good christian that you are you decide to take her into your home after you spot her panhandling for $10,000 bills out on Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills only to kick her ass out of your own home 1 hour and 31 minutes later when an african american friend of hers stops by for a visit and is told by Paris that she can’t use the Ivory Soap to wash her hands because it is strictly for white people’s use. After apologizing profusely to Nicole Ritchie and letting her use the Ivory Soap then making sure that she gets safely into her limo you decide right then and there that you are done with no-talent, famous for absolutely nothing celebutantes and your New Year’s Resolution for the year 2013 is to lead a happy drama-free simple life! Amen, sister, amen!
Lucky Day(s) of the Month: April 1st & October 31st (Happy Halloween & April Fools Day!)

Health Forecast: Laughing at my 2013 horoscope ladies combined with your beautiful sense of humor will temporarily take away any pain, physical or mental, that you are feeling so be comforted sweet spirit! Dr. Tina “Knowledgeable” Peden’s prescription for the year 2013—Include intense laughter therapy into your everyday life! Laugh as much as you can, where ever you can for as long as you can! Remember, sweet spirit, laughing is not only damn good for you but it’s absolutely free! And every person on this planet knows that a lady never turns down free stuff! It’s just in our designer jeans or something.
Lucky Day(s) of the Month: December 25th (Merry Christmas!)

Well, ladies, this concludes your astrological horoscope for the year 2013! I, Tina “Knowledgeable” Peden truly hope that you have a happy, safe and prosperous year! And that includes you too, Paris and Nicole!

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