Posts tagged Ho

THE TOP 10 THINGS TO AVOID DOING IF YOU WANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY AS A PROFESSIONAL RAPPER!


10. Avoid having your prep school buddies tell back in the day stories about you.

9. Avoid having talking parrots named “Peepsta” talk shit about you behind your back.

8. Avoid having a one-name professional stage name like Bret, Kippy or Witherspoon.

7. Avoid having white people walk beside you at daytime instead of moving across the street.

6. Avoid having respected rappers like Ice-T, Dr. Dre or Snoop Dogg diss you in a rap song.

5. Avoid starring in a lame-ass movie like “Are We There Yet” and star in a kick-ass tv show like “Law & Order SVU”. (Hey Ice Cube, I applaud the showing of a loving caring black father but overall the movie still sucked! Sorry brother, just telling it like it is! And Ice-T, I love the show and your cop character, Fin Tutuola! From rapping about killing cops to portraying one. You’ve come a long way, baby! In the good sense, of course.)

4. Avoid attending National Organization of Women rallies where you bust out rhymes like “Everybody let’s get this party started! So I want all of ya’ll to say strong confident woman, strong confident woman!” When a more appropriate professional rapper would have busted out a rhyme like “Everybody let’s get this party started! So I want all of ya’ll to say ho! Say ho ho ho ho!” (P.S. Professionalism goes a long way in the rap world!)

3. Avoid ripping off the names of kick-ass legendary actors like “Al Pacino” and going by a totally lame-ass variation of it like “Alpa Chino” in real life or in fictional kick-ass movies like Tropic Thunder. (P.S. This black female writer thinks that talented-ass white actor, Robert Downey Jr. did a totally kick-ass performance as black Sargeant Lincoln O’Siris in the kick-ass movie, Tropic Thunder!)

2. Avoid writing a song for use in real life or in a fictional movie like Tropic Thunder where you repeatedly say, “I love the pussy! Hell yeah! I love the pussy! Hell yeah!” When you clearly love the penis. More specifically former N’Sync boy band member and passable actor, Lance Bass’ penis! (Ewww, gross!)

1. Avoid having a totally talented-ass but scary-ass especially when it comes to his ex-wife, Kim, white rapper like Eminem (a.k.a. Marshall Mathers) give you any kind of praise whatsoever! (P.S. Eminem may be a totally talented-ass scary-ass multi-million dollar numerous number one songs rapper but he is a totally talented-ass scary-ass multi-million dollar numerous number one songs WHITE rapper which to the world of rap which is predominantly BLACK is a total negative. God Bless Rap In America And God Please Eliminate Reverse Racism In America!)

WARNING & SPECIAL NOTE: If you are a BLACK rapper who either is from Stamford Connecticut or has parents with white collar jobs avoid going into rap at all because you’ll never be taken seriously and will be constantly dissed for not being poor or not growing up in a bad neighborhood! But if you are black rappers in the above situations who absolutely insist on going into rap because it is your God given right, then perhaps take a play out of the Black But Totally Middle Class Will Smith Play Book and rap only about things that you know like “Parents Just Don’t Understand” Middle Class Stuff. And in your case black rappers from Stamford Connecticut or whose parents have white collar jobs try rapping about your country club woes or which college should I go to in the fall woes and the rap world just may accept and only snicker a little at you.

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TKP’S “BIGGER THAN JFK” CONSPIRACY THEORIES! (CONSPIRACY 1: THE SPANISH CHANNEL)


Am I the only person who has noticed that no matter whether you have a kick-ass cable provider or have the most expensive antenna that money can buy or have only a crappy-ass pair of rabbit ears wrapped up with a shitload of aluminum foil that The Spanish Channel is the only television channel that always seems to come in crystal clear?

I mean what’s up with that?

Can anyone say conspiracy!

I mean people, let’s look at the facts.

Even back in the day when television was broadcast in an analog format on big-ass boxy television sets The Spanish Channel always came in crystal clear then, too!

I mean what’s up with that?

Can anyone say conspiracy!

And it doesn’t matter where a person lives either. Hell, a person could be living in a small-ass state like Iowa or in a big-ass snowy tundra like the North Pole and still get a picture perfect signal to The Spanish Channel. (Sorry Santa, Santa Claus, Kris Kringle or whatever the hell your name is, that’s just how it is! Ho! Ho! Ho!)

And speaking of “ho’s”, The Spanish Channel is one nasty bitch that you can’t get rid of!

I mean a place could be hit by a hurricane, tornado or noreaster and the power be knocked out for days but you better believe that as soon as the power has been restored the first channel that will appear on your television screen is The Spanish Channel.

And if that doesn’t smell of a conspiracy nothing else does!

And why is it that when you don’t speak a lick of Spanish that you always seem to get multiple Spanish Channels on your television set?

WTF?!

I mean what is this grade school? Are we the naughty-little students and The Spanish Channel is the mean-ass ruler-wielding teacher trying to punish us for not learning the Spanish language?

I mean what the fuck is going on?

Conspiracy, baby, conspiracy! It can only be a conspiracy!

Hey, don’t get me wrong, Spanish is a beautiful language and all but shouldn’t a person be allowed to learn their A-B-C’s in whatever language that they want?

Hey, don’t we have rights, Spanish Channel?!

Like the underappreciated, okay-looking but extremely annoying middle child, Jan Brady once said in a corny-ass episode of The Brady Bunch with much frustration, “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!”

But on this day, I, Tina “Knowledgeable” Peden, much appreciated, cute-ass middle-aged black female with an absolutely brilliant temperment am now saying to people all over the world in this blog post with as much frustration as Jan Brady had, “The Spanish Channel, The Spanish Channel, The Spanish Channel!”

Hey, whoever the hell is behind this conspiracy, please do me a favor and stop!

I can’t take it anymore!

I’m losing my mind! (Which is exactly what you bastard’s want! You want personally for Tina “Knowledgeable” Peden to lose her mind because she’s so cute-ass and brilliant unlike that okay-looking-ass loser, Jan Brady! It’s obvious, baby!)

Spanish Channel, get a damn life and knock it off!

Please!

By the by Spanish Channel, adios, amigos!

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HORROR MOVIE HO (A SONG WRITTEN BY TINA “KNOWLEDGEABLE” PEDEN)


Verse 1:
-Spectacular in the sheets
-Likes sex, is always in heat
-Big-breasted with fake spray tan
-No conscience, will steal your man
-Tramp stamp across her lower back
-Ha! Ha! She’s the first one to get whacked

Chorus:
-So all hail the horror movie ho
-Gloria Steinem, the feminist foe
-Without her, where’s a psycho killer to go
-Beyond stupid, magic 8 ball says it is decidedly so
-So all hail the horror movie ho
-We salute ya, you dumb little bimbo

Verse 2:
-When chased, she always falls down
-Stalked by a slow-walking clown
-She’s part of the coolest clique
-Killed early in the movie by a big-ass ice pick
-Constantly makes fun of an innocent virgin
-Ha! Ha! That’s her upper body stuffed in a trash bin

(Chorus)

Verse 3:
-She’s needed to provide some jiggle
-Her antics provide plenty of giggles
-How can anyone be so dumb
-Don’t just stand there run, lose the bubble gum
-We will always love her cause’ she’s so dense
-So long honey, we only wish you had a little common sense

(Chorus)

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