Posts tagged Holiday

HEY VAIN RICH GUYS, HERE’S SOME HELPFUL KICK IN THE ASS ADVICE IN REGARDS TO YOUR LOVE LIFE & OTHER THINGS!


Hey vain rich guys, since it is a new year, here is some unsolicited advice to help you get off to a good start.  So picture this fictional scenario.

Vain rich guys, you are currently in the “so damn glad that Christmas is over” cycle but unfortunately due to consuming all of those 180 proof eggnog cocktails on December 26th, 2013 white hot needles of hangover pain have thrown a less than glowing spotlight on your love life.

Looking back now at Christmas day 2013 you think that maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to insist on carving your blind date’s apple cranberry stuffed turkey with your new $90.00 gold-plated locker key to the fancy schmancy gym/spa that you belong to.  But unfortunately your bloodlust for control, attention and expensive worthless material shit clouded your judgment along with all of those damn 180 eggnog cocktails.

(Note to self:  I’m never drinking anything 180 proof ever again!  Well, at least not until Super Bowl Sunday at the country club.)

Anyhoo ……….

Vain rich guys, you also came to the realization that it also didn’t help your love life on Christmas day either when you threatened to tell all of the kids in your date’s neighborhood that Santa didn’t exist, pissing off your date even further, if they played one lyric of the classic Christmas song, “Holly Jolly Christmas” by Burl Ives in lieu of playing “Santa Baby” by Madonna because in your humble opinion even though Burl Ives can sing his big-ass off he still is so damn unattractive that he makes you want to puke Christmas tree shaped multi-colored vomit all over the place.

Burn!

So all in all vain rich guys, even though the above things may not have specifically happened to you, THE POINT IS, every vain rich guy should know that going through life judging people harshly by their looks, not using their noggin before saying stupid-ass things, shamelessly flaunting material possessions and acting like a moronic control freak will not only get you a well deserved kick in the ass and your ass kicked to the curb by any sane female but eventually will leave you a lonely pathetic masturbating fool.

Burn!

So vain rich guys, instead try turning over a brand spankin’ new $5,000 Ralph Lauren jock strap for the new year!  Vain rich guys, turn that stupid-ass trait upside down by using your material fortune to buy a small gift for a friend or purchasing some tasty but expensive-ass food for a homeless shelter!  And vain rich guys,  if you do feel the need to make a negative comment about somebody’s looks simply think the bad thing in your head and keep your damn mouth shut!

And vain rich guys, I really do hope that you have a happy and prosperous new year!

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TWO OF MRS. CLAUS’ NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS FOR 2013!


(Mrs. Claus’ New Year’s Resolution 1!)
-Offer to perform 69 with Santa in lieu of having to sing 1 more goddamn’ Christmas carol to 666 snot-nosed fucking brats on Christmas eve.

AND

(Mrs. Claus’ New Year’s Resolution 2!)
-Use my hot cross buns vibrator with the frankincense & myrrh clitoral stimulator only during Lent so that way I won’t have to give up “meat” altogether because lord knows I ain’t gettin’ any from Santa.

ANYHOO, MERRY CHRISTMAS & HAPPY NEW YEAR, FOLKS!

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TINA KNOWLEDGEABLE PEDEN’S GREETING CARDS IN A BLOG POST! (GREETING CARD 11)


This is a greeting card that I wrote for all of you hardworking mister moms out there! Enjoy!

H oney did you pick up my dress at the dry cleaners?

O uch dad that medicine really stings!

U look marvelous darling!

S ex at 3:18 a.m. in the morning!

E scape from New York to the local movie theatre for some alone time!

H ollering down the stairs to the kids to bequiet!

U rsula use english not that teeny bopper slang!

S he works hard for the money buys the bacon and I fry it up in a pan.

B equiet!

A n afternoon delight with my lovely wife!

N o son you can’t go out with a girl named Madonna tonight or ever!

D ad you’re a big pain in the ass but we all really love you!

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TINA “KNOWLEDGEABLE” PEDEN’S GREETING CARD’S IN A BLOG POST! (GREETING CARD 7)


Greeting Card Name: The Christian Golfer’s Creed!

E aster
G od
G olf
S eason!

HAPPY EASTER!

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HEY GAY GUYS, HERE’S A SPECIAL VALENTINE’S DAY TREAT JUST FOR YOU!


This is a humor piece written especially for all of you gay guys out there! Enjoy!

With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, I know that alot of you fellows will be going home to spend the holiday with your families. Some of you will also be taking along your future husband-to-be to meet your parents for the first time.

Gay Guys, fathers you really don’t have to worry about because basically as long as the boyfriend doesn’t drink up all of the beer, eat up all of the hamburgers and chocolate marshmallow hearts, talk too much or block the television while a sporting event is on they’re okay with Dad, but when it comes to Mothers and their gay sons, guys watch out!

Gay Guys, let me give you a valuable piece of advice, a couple of days before you make the trip to his parent’s house be sure to pump your boyfriend thoroughly for details on his Mother. Ask him about things that she likes and MOST IMPORTANTLY things that she doesn’t like done in her house especially during the Valentine’s Day holiday! To give you an idea of exactly what I am talking about, I have included a couple of examples below of what not to do in your boyfriend’s mamas house if you want to continue to keep that big-ass 7 carat diamond ring on your finger.

ATHEIST MAMA HOUSE RULE:
“Don’t ever disrespect the actress, Jodie Foster in front of your boyfriend’s Atheist Mama! What are you crazy!”

Gay Guys, ever since her iconic and to atheists everywhere inspirational role in the movie, “Contact” as Dr. Eleanor Arroway, you know the “I-don’t-believe-in-God-I-believe-in-Science character she portrayed, Jodie Foster has achieved “God-like” status in every atheist home around the world.

So, before your boyfriend takes you home to meet his Atheist Mama for the first time, memorize the following words below.

“Praise Jodie, Love Jodie, Be One With Jodie But Don’t Ever Disrespect Jodie!”

Remember, when you are talking to your boyfriend’s Atheist Mama try to say as many nice things about Jodie Foster as you possibly can. I have included two examples below.

Example 1:
“The roast and potatoes that you cooked for dinner tonight Mrs. Watson tasted fantastic but Jodie Foster could have done a much better job than you.”

Example 2:
“I just loved the movie, “Freaky Friday” Ms. Jones! You know the one with Jodie Foster not the remake with that skank ho’ alcoholic Lindsay Lohan.”

Really lay it on thick! Really butter your boyfriend’s Atheist Mama up!

SPANISH SPEAKING MAMA HOUSE RULE:
“What the hell did she say? Don’t tell a Spanish Speaking Mama that you speak the Spanish language when you don’t!”

Gay Guys, if your definition of speaking Spanish consists of words and phrases like “mucho hungry”, “yucky agua”, “delicious tortilla”, “nice sombrero” or “I love Jose Cuervo tequila” i’m here to tell you that’s not speaking Spanish! Well, I mean technically it is because you have used a couple of Spanish words but just because you know a couple of Spanish words doesn’t mean that you are fluent in the Spanish language.

So don’t go telling a Spanish Speaking Mama that you speak Spanish when you clearly don’t!

Gay Guys, if you are stupid enough to disregard my words be prepared for the rest of the Valentine’s Day holiday to have your boyfriend’s Spanish Speaking Mama calling you every derogatory Spanish name in the book and to your face while you’re nodding your head, “yes” because you don’t know what the hell she is saying because you don’t speak Spanish. You’ll look like a damn fool and ain’t no way a Spanish Speaking Mama is going to let her baby marry a damn fool like you!

Boyfriend, stop the madness and take a “How to Speak Spanish Class” asap!

OVERWEIGHT MAMA HOUSE RULE:
“Lick it up baby! Eat whatever food your boyfriend’s Overweight Mama puts on your damn plate and you won’t have no problems!”

When it comes to an Overweight Mama you had better damn well eat whatever food she puts on your plate and it doesn’t matter if you don’t like it or are allergic to it, just suck it up and eat it bitch!

Gay Guys, if you don’t, an Overweight Mama will have it set in her mind that you’re a bitch who is anorexic or bulemic (even though you may be fatter than she is) and she’s not going to let you take her son down with your bony-ass. So, basically she will be testing you all through the Valentine’s Day holiday by giving you big-ass plates of food. Most of it will be stuff that you don’t like. Just remember that the only reason she is doing this is because you are so skinny. (Well, at least in her mind you are skinny if you don’t eat the food that she puts on your plate.) Yes, I know that this is discrimination but who says that life is fair! Just suck it up and deal with it! Simply eat whatever food your boyfriend’s Overweight Mama puts on your plate! Also be prepared to lick the plate clean!

Gay Guys, you might want to consider not eating anything for at least two days before you go to your boyfriend’s Overweight Mama’s house to really show her that you have a “healthy” appetite.

For future visits you might want to present your boyfriend’s Overweight Mama with copies of grocery, takeout and delivery food receipts to prove to her that you ARE feeding her baby and not starving him to death if the relationship develops into something more serious. Just think Gay Guys, you’ll only have to do this for the first three years of your marriage but then you’re home free!

BLACK MAMA HOUSE RULE:
“Oh no he didn’t! Don’t crack your gum up in a Black Mama’s House!”

It doesn’t matter if you are a Black, White, Hispanic, Asian or Indian, Gay Guy DON’T I repeat DON’T come up into a Black Mama’s house smackin’ and poppin’ on ANY kind of gum because this is the fastest way to get the watermelon or spearmint flavored taste knocked out of your mouth!

Don’t be no fool!

To a Black Mama smackin’ and poppin’ on gum up in her house is the ultimate sign of disrespect and that won’t be tolerated!

So, don’t do it unless you have a serious death wish! (At this time I would like to send a shout out to the late Charles Bronson.)

Major Sucking Up Tip: Bring along a couple of packs of Juicy Fruit, Wrigley’s Spearmint, Bazooka, Dentyne, Chiclets and Bubble Yum Bubble Gum and present them as a gift to your boyfriend’s Black Mama.

Always remember that a Black Mama can smack and pop on gum up in her own house but you sure as hell can’t!

SEXY MAMA HOUSE RULE:
“Zip it! Mind your own damn business when it comes to your boyfriend’s mamas sexy wardrobe!”

Let’s face it, just because a woman turns 40, 50 or 60 doesn’t mean that she stops being sexy. There are many older women like Tina Turner, Goldie Hawn and Sophia Loren whose sexiness defies age HOWEVER this does not apply to your boyfriend’s mama.

So Gay Guys, when your boyfriend’s 69 year old Sexy Mama opens the front door wearing a crotch-length black skirt, pink midriff shirt and the most gaudy pair of black stilettos that you have ever seen, do yourself and your boyfriend a favor and keep your damn mouth shut! If you have a negative comment keep your damn mouth shut! If you have a positive comment keep your damn mouth shut! Bite your tongue or lip but do whatever the hell you have to do to keep quiet about your boyfriend’s mamas sexy wardrobe!

Gay Guys PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE don’t say a damn thing because if you do a Sexy Mama will quickly tell you that the way she dresses is none of your goddamn business cause’ you don’t pay none of her bills and don’t do a damn thing for her! So who the hell is some stranger to tell her how to dress! So mind your own damn business!

Gay Guys, just send a word of thanks up to God that your mother doesn’t dress like a dime store hooker like your boyfriend’s mama does.

But most importantly Gay Guys, pray to God, I mean pray like hell that your boyfriend’s Sexy Mama will want to spend the Valentine’s Day holiday at home and won’t want to go out to dinner because you’ll just die of embarrassment if you have to go out in public with your boyfriend’s Hoochie, I mean Sexy Mama dressed like that! Amen!

And to the rest of the mamas that I didn’t have time to mention in this article, gay guys just use your common sense and think with the big head when it comes to meeting your future hubbie’s mama for the first time this Valentine’s Day and you will be just fine!

Have a good one!

P.S. Atheist Mamas Love Jodie Foster and the movie, Contact!

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Water Cooler Talk Tee Shirts For Sale!


Get the most unusual t-shirts at Water Cooler Talk Tee Shirts!

T-shirts inscribed with text so juicy that they immediately get people talking!

To view the t-shirts please click on or go to:  http://watercoolertalkteeshirts.spreadshirt.com 

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TOP 5 REASONS WHY ST. PATRICK’S DAY IS THE BEST HOLIDAY EVER!


With St. Patty’s Day always around the shamrock-shaped corner, I dug out this retro gem.

Number Five: Once a year you get to watch your wife, mistress and inflatable Britney Spears doll simultaneously “perform their magic” on a shamrock-shaped chocolate covered grasshopper.

Number Four: Once a year while baking St. Patrick’s Day cookies you get to hear your 80 year old grandmother sing the song, ‘I Smell Sex and Candy‘ while her nasty false teeth and humongous left boob repeatedly fall into the Bailey’s Irish Cream infused cookie dough.

Number Three: Once a year you get to make all of your single female friends “green” with envy by wearing your emerald-colored mini-skirt which shows off and complements all of the hickeys that your husband gave you while trying to eat the “Luck O’ The Irish” Candy Necklace off of your thigh.

Number Two: Once a year you get to travel to Blarney Ireland where the Blarney Stone is and celebrate the breakup of the most perfect couple ever to walk the planet, Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt, because of his affair with that man-stealing-big-kisser-skank, Angelina Jolie. And Angie, don’t forget to kiss the Blarney Stone while you’re there to help give your adulterous butt a modicum of class! P.S. Adultery is wrong, girlfriend!!!

And The Number One Reason Why St. Patrick’s Day Is The Best Holiday Ever…………
THE LEPRECHAUNS BABY! THE LEPRECHAUNS!

P.S. Don’t forget to cast your vote in the poll below for the ultimate Irish symbol.

What is the Ultimate Irish Symbol?

1. The Shamrock
2. The Color, “Green”
3. Bailey’s Irish Cream
4. The Slogan, “Luck O’ The Irish!”
5. The Blarney Stone
6. The Song, “Irish Eyes Are Smiling”
7. IRA (Irish Republican Army)
8. Corned Beef and Cabbage
9. Maureen O’Hara
10. The Leprechaun
11. U2 (Bono & The Edge)

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