Posts tagged Humor

JUST LIKE THE LITTLE BLACK DRESS, MAKING FUN OF PARIS HILTON WILL ALWAYS BE IN STYLE!


Here is a spoof piece that I wrote about lame-ass heiress, Paris Hilton a couple of years ago.
Paris Hilton To Tour Flood-Damaged Iowa On July 25th!
First President George Bush did it, then John McCain did it.  And of course the next logical candidate to tour areas damaged and destroyed by massive flooding in Iowa is none other than Paris Hilton!
(Insert your snicker here!)
According to a close friend of mine from Des Moines, rumors have been swirling the past week that there have been phone conversations between Paris Hilton and Iowa Governor Chet Culver about the heiress touring flood damaged areas of Iowa with Hilton expressing an interest on touring the state on July 25th.
One question immediately sprang to my mind after being informed of this rumor.
Why the hell would this rich, spoiled, talentless self-centered woman want to tour Iowa when the state is going through such a difficult time let alone on this specific date?
My answer, who the hell knows!
But this is one writer who’s not going to pass up an opportunity to speculate why.
So, here is my list of the top 10 reasons why Paris Hilton wants to tour flood damaged Iowa on July 25th:
10.  When Hilton was released from jail due to violating her probation last year she vowed to visit Rwanda, but as of this date hasn’t, and let’s face it, never will because of her “busy” schedule so she probably figured visiting Iowa was good enough because it’s a foreign country too.
9.   Her pampered pooch, Tinkerbell threatened to sell her latest sex tape in high definition 3D if she didn’t get her bony butt out of the state for awhile and give her a break.  (As if Iowans haven’t suffered enough from the floods already, here comes Paris Hilton to wreck the day!)
8.   As the self-proclaimed “iconic blonde of the decade” she felt it was her duty to spread goodwill to Iowa through her blondness and stupidness.
7.   ARE YOU KIDDING!  Touring flood damaged Iowa is a major photo op baby and there ain’t no way in hell Paris Hilton is gonna’ miss out on that action!
6.   Being voted the second “worst celebrity role model of 2006” behind Britney Spears has inspired her to try to change her image.  (Good luck honey because that just ain’t gonna’ happen in this lifetime!)
5.   Paris is pissed off at her latest boytoy, Benji Madden for saying that the late great superstar acting dog, Benji was “hotter” than Tinkerbell.  (Now that’s hot!)
4.  Paris plans on holding a “famous for being famous” rally Howard Dean-style in Iowa to find a new bff.  (Because not only is she going to Iowa, Howard Dean she’s going to South Carolina and Oklahoma and Arizona and North Dakota and New Mexico, and then she’s going to California and Texas and New York … And then she’s going to South Dakota and Oregon and Washington and Michigan, and when she finally finds her new bff they are going to Washington, D.C. to take back the White House! Yeah!)
3.  Paris wants to give away free copies of her flop movie, The Hottie and the Nottie, to try to cheer victims of the Iowa flood up.  (Omigod!)
2.  Paris is hoping to get an autographed picture of Iowa band, Slipknot, to sell on ebay to help raise money for the victims of the flood rather than digging into her own deep pockets.
1.   She wants publicity, pure and simple, for her upcoming movie, song, clothing line, perfume, dog adoption, runway gig, burger commercial or whatever else this chick is trying  to shove down the American public’s throats.  (Ewww, gross!)
Hey Paris, do everyone a favor and especially Iowa, stay at home!

Leave a comment »

HEY THIS ONE’S FOR YOU IMELDA MARCOS, MANOLO BLAHNIK, CARRIE BRADSHAW & SHOE LOVERS ALL OVER THE WORLD!


Shoeacidal is a medical condition in which extreme depression is immediately suffered by either a woman, gay male,  metrosexual or anybody who watches reruns of the HBO former hit tv series,  Sex and The City, over seeing a cute pair of shoes that would look great on them but unfortunately they can’t buy them because the shoes are either too damn expensive or the individual is too broke-ass to buy them. This depression often leads to thoughts of ending their lives when in reality there’s no chance in fucking hell that these individuals would ever harm themselves, which is a good thing! These individuals are simply being melodramatic and totally stupid-ass over not being able to buy themselves a cute pair of shoes that they want so desperately at that particular moment in time.

Leave a comment »

BEFORE YOU HEAD OFF TO YOUR LOCAL KROGER’S, A&P OR PIGGLY WIGGLY, IT’S GROCERY STORE HUMOR TIME!


NecessitiesTotallySuckItis is a painful temporary swelling of the face and vocal cords triggered by a traumatic trip to the grocery store. It is usually caused when an individual buys all of the things on their list at the grocery store but once everything is rung up in the checkout lane the individual discovers that he or she doesn’t have enough money to buy everything so they have to put a couple of important items back like the cheesecake, pizza and beer and keep the stupid-ass things like the toilet paper, shampoo and toothpaste thereby making the individual so mad that he or she loudly exclaims right in the damn store that necessities totally suck in an extremely hoarse voice.

Comments (2) »

I WOULD LOVE TO SEE A MALE COMEDIAN DO SOMETHING UNUSUAL LIKE . . . . .


Whip out a pair of granny panties or a thong on stage then put them on but stop when the panties or thong is just above the male comedian‘s knees.

Then I would like to see the male comedian whip out a big ol’ bulky ass sanitary napkin, tear off the adhesive strip and throw it at one of the male audience member’s forehead then fasten the sanitary napkin securely to the panties or thong. Then I would like to see the male comedian whip out a 20 oz bottle of Hawaiian Punch and pour that sucker directly into the sanitary napkin then throw the bottle to one of the ladies in the audience.

Then I would like to see the male comedian proudly pull the granny panties or thong up into the correct position over their rump and go out into the audience and walk around a bit while stopping periodically to hug some of the female audience members.

Hey, I would pay big money to see that!

And I would also give an additional monetary tip to the male comedian if they allowed me to get some pics with him while he is wearing the faux menstual period sanitary napkin as well.

Man, that would make me feel like a superior woman!

Leave a comment »

TINA “KNOWLEDGEABLE” PEDEN’S POP CULTURE DICTIONARY (VOLUME 15) WHAT IS FRIGIDAIRE HEMORRHAGE?


(Definition) Frigidaire Hemorrhage is a sudden bursting of a blood vessel due to extreme anger over an inconsiderate or lazy-ass family member putting an almost empty ice tray back into the refrigerator. Although this condition has the possibility to become fatal if not treated it can often be avoided by simply filling up the DAMN ice tray with water, lemonade, Pepsi, gin & tonic or any other liquid substance but preferably water when it’s empty before putting it back into the DAMN refrigerator!

I will now use this term in a couple of sentences to clarify it’s meaning.

“After Maggie O’Gutsery was released from St. Patrick’s Day Memorial Hunter Green Hospital after an almost fatal Frigidaire Hemorrhage against doctor’s and her clergyman’s orders she hightailed it down to Pat O’Shalley’s Restaurant & Tavern and ordered a big-ass bloody mary filled with 11 cubes of ice from a 12 cube ice tray to calm her nerves before she went home to deal with her soon to be ex-husband.”

“Grandma Jackson happily ignored the Frigidaire Hemorrhage-like looks that her usually loving family gave her that night when she used up almost 15 trays of ice cubes to cool down her smoking feet due to jumping on them all day because of her massive bingo win earlier that day.”

“Still recovering from a mild case of Frigidaire Hemorrhage, Jonah had his college’s mascot, Squirt the bulldog, piss all over his dad’s eighteen century antique one of a kind desk in retaliation for coming over the night before and using practically all of the ice cubes in his small-ass dormitory fridge for a minor head wound that he sustained in a car accident that night that almost killed him rendering Jonah unable to make his famous ultra cool mint melt in your mouth pencil dick shaped jello shots for the freshman that were pledging his fraternity later that night.”

Leave a comment »

TWO OF MRS. CLAUS’ NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS FOR 2013!


(Mrs. Claus’ New Year’s Resolution 1!)
-Offer to perform 69 with Santa in lieu of having to sing 1 more goddamn’ Christmas carol to 666 snot-nosed fucking brats on Christmas eve.

AND

(Mrs. Claus’ New Year’s Resolution 2!)
-Use my hot cross buns vibrator with the frankincense & myrrh clitoral stimulator only during Lent so that way I won’t have to give up “meat” altogether because lord knows I ain’t gettin’ any from Santa.

ANYHOO, MERRY CHRISTMAS & HAPPY NEW YEAR, FOLKS!

Leave a comment »

TINA “KNOWLEDGEABLE” PEDEN’S POP CULTURE DICTIONARY (VOLUME 14) WHAT DOES DISSED TO THE CURB MEAN?


(Definition) Dissed to the Curb occurs to a person who after running and flailing their arms around like a maniac in a desperate attempt to get the bus driver of the bus that they really need to catch to stop and wait for them finally the bus driver sees them or is alerted to their presence by one or more of the passengers already on the bus but inspite of all of this the bus driver totally disses their ass and continues to drive away anyway.

I will now use this phrase in a couple of sentences to clarify its meaning.

“I’m sooo sad that that happily married for 25 years bus driver got fired for intentionally Dissing to the Curb those 25 Kristen Stewart fans for wearing those lame-ass t-shirts supporting her in her hour of grief due to her cheating on her boyfriend, Robert Pattinson.”

“The bus driver on Route 666D to Hellion Texas told the passengers on the bus in between fits of hysterical laughter that Sister Baptista of the Totally Bitchin’ Order of Angelic Nuns should have had her dogooder-ass up at the bus stop at 10:35 am instead of stopping to help give CPR to that dying elderly man that she encountered on the way to the bus stop then she wouldn’t have gotten Dissed to the Curb by him. In other words, it was her own damn fault!”

“Omigod, Thor! Did you hear that Hercules just got arrested for shoving one thousand bus stop signs up an innocent motorist’s ass simply because he was so pissed off for getting Dissed to the Curb this afternoon and missed his monthly washed-up superheroes meeting? Man, that dude needs some serious help and some serious work!”

Leave a comment »

%d bloggers like this: