Posts tagged Kids

HEY TRUMP, RYAN, THE SENATE, THE HOUSE AND ALL YOU OTHER USELESS-ASS POLITICIANS, THIS ONE’S FOR YOU!


TIRED OF WAITIN’ ON HAPPINESS!

(Verse 1)

-I work hard all day,
-For crappy pay,
-Everyday to the lord I constantly pray,
-That one day things will finally go my way,
-But until then I have to sadly say,

(Chorus)

-Tired of waitin’ on happiness,
-I just want my chance,
-I don’t ever wanna’ hear the word, delay,
-If I do, someone’s gonna pay,
-Just want all the bad the hell outta’ my life,
-My heart’s had enough strife,
-I want a little happiness and I want it now,
-And I don’t give a damn exactly how,
-So tired,
-Of waitin’ on happiness,
-Yeah!

(Verse 2)

-Kids, job, life and grocery bills,
-Tears flowin’ down my cheeks at the window sill,
-Oh dear, Jesus, I just want to laugh and smile,
-Can’t cause’ my stomach’s filled with worry and bile,
-Please god can you just give me a break for a while,

(Chorus)

-Tired of waitin’ on happiness,
-I just want my chance,
-I don’t ever wanna’ hear the word, delay,
-If I do, someone’s gonna pay,
-Just want all the bad the hell outta’ my life,
-My heart’s had enough strife,
-I want a little happiness and I want it now,
-And I don’t give a damn exactly how,
-So tired,
-Of waitin’ on happiness,
-Yeah!

(Verse 3)

-I know it’s tough but i’m a fighter and will plow through,
-Sink or swim, no choice what this survivor is gonna’ do,
-I’m a good person and deserve only the best,
-Till I get the happiness I deserve, not gonna’ rest,
-But my heart tells me you’ll get it baby this is only a test,
-Be patient, happiness for you won’t be a life long quest,
-But in the meantime, vent all you want, be my guest,

(Chorus)

-Tired of waitin’ on happiness,
-I just want my chance,
-I don’t ever wanna’ hear the word, delay,
-If I do, someone’s gonna pay,
-Just want all the bad the hell outta’ my life,
-My heart’s had enough strife,
-I want a little happiness and I want it now,
-And I don’t give a damn exactly how,
-So tired,
-Of waitin’ on happiness,
-Yeah!

To purchase a license to use this lyric please go to:                 http://songbay.co/view-lyric/3833/

NoMoreTearsEnoughisEnough

EnoughisEnoughNoMoreTearsUnofficialAntiTrumpSong

Leave a comment »

TINA KNOWLEDGEABLE PEDEN’S GREETING CARDS IN A BLOG POST! (GREETING CARD 11)


This is a greeting card that I wrote for all of you hardworking mister moms out there! Enjoy!

H oney did you pick up my dress at the dry cleaners?

O uch dad that medicine really stings!

U look marvelous darling!

S ex at 3:18 a.m. in the morning!

E scape from New York to the local movie theatre for some alone time!

H ollering down the stairs to the kids to bequiet!

U rsula use english not that teeny bopper slang!

S he works hard for the money buys the bacon and I fry it up in a pan.

B equiet!

A n afternoon delight with my lovely wife!

N o son you can’t go out with a girl named Madonna tonight or ever!

D ad you’re a big pain in the ass but we all really love you!

Leave a comment »

“OH CHRIST, I GOT BABY FEVER!” A SONG AND PRAYER WRITTEN BY TINA KNOWLEDGEABLE PEDEN!


Hey since retailers start selling Christmas merchandise so early anyway I decided to jump on their bandwagon and do a revamping of a song that I wrote back in January 2012.  Enjoy and have yourself an early Merry Christmas! And Happy Early Birthday, Jesus!

This song can either be performed in the spoken word or it can be sung.

Verse 1:

Hey mom, gross, I really hate this chicken croquette,

I can’t eat this crap if i’m going to be a Radio City Music Hall Rockette,

Just you wait and see mama i’m gonna’ be the best dancer on that stage yet,

With the best-looking gams in the whole wide world, a perfect high-kicking set,

Oh mom will you please give me a break and quit harpin’ on my lousy ettiquette,

Mom, I really do love ya’ but you are the lamest chick that I have ever met!

Chorus:

Oh Christ, I got baby fever and there’s only one cure,

Johnson’s Baby Shampoo almost 100% pure,

Dr. Seuss prescribed me a big ol’ dose of “Cat in the Hat,”

No green eggs or ham or Jack Sprat,

Just a cradle with a beautiful baby in it, skinny or fat,

A maternal inferno is burning deep down inside of me,

And Christ, it will never stop until i’m a mommy!

To put it simply, Lord, I want a baby!

Verse 2:

Hey dad, I really love this corndog on a stick,

But I can’t have too many of them if i’m gonna’ be a New York Knick,

Just you wait and see papa i’m gonna’ be selected first round draft pick,

With the best darn jump shot in the league cause’ my skills are seriously sick,

Oh dad, will you please give me a break i’m not a stamp that needs a lick,

Dad, I really love ya’ but there are plenty of ballplayers like me with a stubborn cowlick,

So leave my hair alone and stop crying those totally lame proud parent tears like really quick!

They are sooo gross, I mean really dad, ick!

Chorus:

Oh Christ, I got baby fever and there’s only one cure,

Johnson’s Baby Shampoo almost 100% pure,

Dr. Seuss prescribed me a big ol’ dose of “Cat in the Hat,”

No green eggs or ham or Jack Sprat,

Just a cradle with a beautiful baby in it, skinny or fat,

A paternal inferno is burning deep down inside of me,

And Christ, it will never stop until i’m a daddy!

To put it simply, Lord, I want a baby!

Verse 3:

Bottles and booties all over the place, everywhere,

Many sleepless nights and wild-looking disheveled hair,

I’m not talking to you dad cause’ i’m grounded glued to this rotten chair,

Young man, i’m only doing this so you’ll be morally-rounded cause’ I care,

Baby shake rattle, baby shake rattle, baby shake rattle, in the air,

Kids bedtime, this as a loving but tired father, I do happily declare!

Chorus:

Oh Christ, I got baby fever and there’s only one cure,

Johnson’s Baby Shampoo almost 100% pure,

Dr. Seuss prescribed me a big ol’ dose of “Cat in the Hat,”

No green eggs or ham or Jack Sprat,

Just a cradle with a beautiful baby in it, skinny or fat,

A paternal inferno is burning deep down inside of me,

And Christ, it will never stop until i’m a daddy!

To put it simply, Lord, I want a baby!

Verse 4:

My biological clock is going tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock, there’s no escape,

I have a dream of reading aloud to my kids “Hickory Dickory Dock” and tales of “Grape Ape,”

Sex, pregnancy and a whole bunch of recorded dvd and many a videotape,

Merry Christmas mommy, how do I look all dressed up as a shepherd in my big brother’s old white cape,

Tears come to my eyes as I watch my child in the Christmas pageant up on the stage with my mouth totally agape,

How in the world Carmen Sandiego did he get all of that scotch tape to stay up around his nape, my oh my, what a cool drape!

Chorus:

Oh Christ, I got baby fever and there’s only one cure,

Johnson’s Baby Shampoo almost 100% pure,

Dr. Seuss prescribed me a big ol’ dose of “Cat in the Hat,”

No green eggs or ham or Jack Sprat,

Just a cradle with a beautiful baby in it, skinny or fat,

A maternal inferno is burning deep down inside of me,

And Christ, it will never stop until i’m a mommy!

To put it simply, Lord, I want a baby!

Verse 5:

So big boy I hope you got the message and that I made myself crystal clear,

Okay Mama, let’s make a baby is the only thing that I want to hear,

Because boy oh boy or should I say girl oh girl I am oh so ready for this my dear,

So lover, take me in your arms and let’s start this baby-making party off with a kiss that will scorch and sear,

Hey big boy, I want you to know that I love you and there’s no pressure here,

But the only thing that I want for Christmas is to have your baby by the end of next year!

Cheers!

Chorus:

Oh Christ, I got baby fever and there’s only one cure,

Johnson’s Baby Shampoo almost 100% pure,

Dr. Seuss prescribed me a big ol’ dose of “Cat in the Hat,”

No green eggs or ham or Jack Sprat,

Just a cradle with a beautiful baby in it, skinny or fat,

A maternal and paternal inferno is burning deep down inside of me,

And Christ, it will never stop until we’re a mommy and daddy!

To put it simply, Lord, we want a baby!

Verse 6:

It’s nice to know that us humans on earth are not alone and that we are all truly God’s children through and through,

Because one day over two thousand years ago God himself had a major case of baby fever too,

He chose Mary to be the mother of his baby and Joseph to watch over them even though to what was going on neither of them really didn’t have a clue,

But they both loved and trusted God so they let this guide them and their hearts also told them that this unusual miraculous request was the right thing to do,

And on Christmas Day a long time ago a baby boy named Jesus was born in a stable in Bethlehem wrapped in swaddling clothes lying in a manger that was far from new,

Shepherds and wise men from different places all over the world traveled to Bethlehem to praise this new king, bring him gifts and to see if this wonderful miracle was really true,

But in their heart of hearts they already knew that Jesus the Saviour, their king, was born for one and all, expressly for me and you,

So today and every year we celebrate his birthday, Christmas Day,  at different places all over the world because he is the one thing that unites us all together, he is our special spiritual glue!

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS, WE LOVE YOU!

AND GOD WE ALSO LOVE YOU VERY MUCH TOO!

THANK YOU FOR HAVING A MAJOR CASE OF BABY FEVER UP IN HEAVEN JUST LIKE US HUMANS ON EARTH DO!

Chorus:

Oh Christ, I got baby fever and there’s only one cure,

Johnson’s Baby Shampoo almost 100% pure,

Dr. Seuss prescribed me a big ol’ dose of “Cat in the Hat,”

No green eggs or ham or Jack Sprat,

Just a manger with a beautiful baby boy in it, skinny or fat,

An almighty paternal inferno is burning deep down inside of me,

And Christ, it will never stop until a God like me is a daddy!

To put it simply, Lord, and I know that I am talking to myself, I, the Lord Almighty want a baby!

It’s time for even me to be a daddy!

Prayer:

Oh Lord in heaven, give me strength, please help me,

Cause’ I know at times i’m gonna’ have my work cut out for me,

I know that being a good mama or papa ain’t always gonna’ be easy,

But I don’t care, that part doesn’t even bother or faze me,

Cause’ i’ll happily take on this parental challenge given unto thee,

Lord, this christian soldier is oh so ready to raise a good loving family,

One that will offer up love and praise to you everyday faithfully,

Oh Christ, I got baby fever and their’s only one cure,

A beautiful living legacy created by me for you that will forever endure!

Leave a comment »

TINA “KNOWLEDGEABLE” PEDEN’S POP CULTURE DICTIONARY (VOLUME 13) WHAT IS A STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS BUG UP THE ASS?


(Definition) A State Of The Union Address Bug Up The Ass is literally a nasty-ass fungus or infection that goes straight up into your butthole and eventually settles itself in your brain and drives you absolutely bonkers once a year due to your favorite tv show, movie, commercial, video or infommercial being preempted by the President’s Stupid Ol’ Annual State Of The Union Address because like the subject trigonometry that you learn in high school the information in the President’s Annual State Of The Union Address is something that most Americans will never use and this major inconvenience really pisses alot of Americans the fuck off.

I will now use this phrase in a sentence to clarify its meaning.

“Dude, stay the fuck away from Constance for the rest of the day because she’s not only got a major case of Baby Fever but she’s also got a wicked nasty State Of The Union Address Bug Up The Ass! Dude, you know how much her totally obsessed ass worships those Johnson’s Baby Shampoo commercials. Dude, if you know what’s good for you, you’ll stay the fuck away from her!”

Leave a comment »

(WELCOME TO TINA KNOWLEDGEABLE PEDEN’S A NOTEWORTHY ATTRIBUTE REVIEWS!) IF YOU EVER DECIDE TO TRAVEL THROUGH NEW ENGLAND, PRESCOTT PARK HAS THE BEST AMENITIES!


Hey fellow travelers and travelettes, if you ever decide to travel through New England, Prescott Park has the best amenities. To check them out, keep reading!

A Noteworthy Attribute:
(Prescott Park/Lavatory)
Cost:  Free — and in the Obama economy that sounds darn good to me!For most people who visit Prescott Park, their favorite thing is all the different varieties of beautiful and colorful flowers planted all over the park.

And for some people who visit Prescott Park who love fitness and exercise their favorite thing is to walk on the many paths in the park in a safe setting.

And for some homeless people who visit Prescott Park their favorite thing is the nice peaceful setting filled with many comfortable benches all over the park with some overlooking the exquisite flowers and some overlooking the sometimes disgustingly dirty Piscataqua River where they can eat and rest at for a long while after a long hard day of job hunting or slacking off due to being kicked out of Crossroads Homeless Shelter for the day.

And for some people who visit Prescott Park who are true romantics at heart their favorite thing is that on any given day they may come across a wedding so ethereal that they wonder if what they are really seeing is indeed real or they have fallen asleep and somehow been transported into some kind of wonderful fairy tale.

And for some people who visit Prescott Park who are very maternal and paternal their favorite thing is to see all of the different families in all shapes, sizes, colors and creeds picnicking all over the excellently manicured lawns of the park or see both heterosexual and homosexual parents alike scream things lovingly at their children like, “Don’t put that into your mouth because we can’t afford to have your stomach pumped at the hospital!” or “Where did that hickey come from, young lady, it wasn’t there 25 minutes ago!”

But screw all that crap, literally!

(Really loud snicker!)

Because for me, Tina “Knowledgeable” Peden, my personal favorite thing about Prescott Park borders on the unusual.  My favorite thing about Prescott Park is the women’s lavatory!  And here are it’s many amenities:

-Toilets with ultra-fast flushing speed that rival any driver racing at the Indianapolis 500 today.
-Rolls and rolls of strong and sturdy toilet paper guaranteed to last up against the most runny number 2 stools.
-Stalls so darn large that even triple crown winning horse Secretariat could easily take a dump in.
-A lavatory so airy due to the main door always being open that even the stinkiest piss or poop smells vanish within minutes.

So fellow travelers, if you ever find yourselves visiting Portsmouth New Hampshire and you suddenly have to take a serious dump due to all of the delicious seafood that you scarfed down at Jumpin’ Jay’s Fish Cafe and are unfortunately with your husband and gazillion kids and want to ditch them for a few hours so that you can let the excrement flow, then haul your butt and brood over pronto to  Prescott Park and “dump” them there so that they can enjoy the many amenities that the park has to offer while you enjoy my personal favorite amenity of Prescott Park, the Prescott Park Lavatory and poop until your heart and colon are completely content!

Comments (1) »

TINA “KNOWLEDGEABLE” PEDEN’S POP CULTURE DICTIONARY (VOLUME 9) WHAT DOES THE WORD “APPEASEPAONOMY” MEAN?


(Definition) An appeasepaonomy is a painful procedure in which children undergo a temporary “Stepford Wives” transformation for their dad’s birthday, Father’s Day, anniversary or some other important event in their father’s life where they will wear whatever crappy outfit that their dad wants them to wear, sing whatever silly song that their dad wants them to sing, be nice to people that they can’t stand, go to places that they wouldn’t be caught dead at et cetera et cetera et cetera only because they love their dad so dearly and they will put up with this torture temporarily just to make him happy on his special day.

I will now use this word in a sentence to clarify it’s meaning.

“For his dad’s 65th birthday, Shamus had to undergo a serious appeasepaonomy along with a little help from three shots of 180 proof Jack Daniels Whiskey in order to perform the song, “I’m A Little Teapot Short And Stout” in front of 5,000 guests that his father has loved him performing ever since he did it in his first grade school play.”

P.S. Dad, I want you to know that performing the song, “I’m A Little Teapot Short And Stout” in front of 5,000 people that I barely knew was the single most embarrassing moment of my life but i’m really glad that you loved my performance! Happy birthday day from your loving son, Shamus who will one day make you pay for this!”

Comments (1) »

TINA “KNOWLEDGEABLE” PEDEN’S POP CULTURE DICTIONARY (VOLUME 8) WHAT DOES THE WORD “APPEASEMAONOMY” MEAN?


(Definition) An appeasemaonomy is a painful procedure in which children undergo a temporary “Stepford Wives” transformation for their mom’s birthday, Mother’s Day, anniversary or some other important event in their mother’s life where they will wear whatever crappy outfit that their mom wants them to wear, sing whatever silly song that their mom wants them to sing, be nice to people that they can’t stand, go to places that they wouldn’t be caught dead at et cetera et cetera et cetera only because they love their mom so dearly and they will put up with this torture temporarily just to make her happy on her special day.

I will now use this word in a sentence to clarify it’s meaning.

“For her mother’s 50th wedding anniversary, Sasha had to undergo one hell of an appeasemaonomy along with one hell of an upchucking session in order to put on that long-ass neon orange and yellow dress with the two million hot pink ruffles that her mother thinks that she looks so pretty in.”

P.S. Mom, even though your taste in clothes is total shit, I still really love you anyway! Love Sasha!

Comments (1) »

HOW TO HAVE A SEMI-ROMANTIC DINNER OUT ON THE TOWN WITH THE KIDS!


Ladies, has this ever happened to you?

You put on your best dress, shave the two month stubble off of your armpits, called in every favor (legal and illegal) known to man, just for one romantic grown ups only dinner out on the town with your husband and just as you are about to open the door, the phone rings and your babysitter informs you that she has to cancel.

What the hell do you do?

Do you cancel your romantic dinner out on the town that you have been looking forward to for so long or do you go out anyway?

Remember ladies, we always have options. So it is basically up to you what you want to do.

But if I can put my two cents in, I say, screw it, and you quickly put a nice outfit on those kids, grab the pacifier and a couple of small toys and games and go out anyway.

Suck it up and think of this semi-romantic dinner out on the town as a challenge especially if your children are very young. But, nevertheless, a challenge that you can overcome and win!

And here’s how to do it, winner.

There are three important rules that a couple has to follow if they want to have a successful semi-romantic dinner out of the town with the kids.

Rule Number 1: Include, Include, Include!

This is the most important rule of all!

It is an absolute requirement that you make your children an intregal part of your romantic dinner. Your children cannot feel left out at any point. Children, who feel included are less likely to behave badly. So, include, include, include! Below are a couple of ways how to do this.

Instead of ordering a bottle of wine for you and your husband and a couple of sodas for the kids, ladies ask the waiter or bartender if they have any grape or apple juice. (Most restaurants will have them.) Then have everybody lift their glasses or baby bottles and make a toast to your husband and then tell everybody to take a sip of their “wine.” Ladies don’t forget to let the kids make a couple of toasts to you and your husband too. Remember, include, include, include. (Ladies, you can also stop by the grocery store and pick up a bottle or can of apple or grape juice before you go to the restaurant. Easy breezy!)

If the restaurant has an area where people can dance, by all means dance! Have fun! And couples don’t forget to ask your children to dance with you. Mom dance with your son! Dad dance with your daughter or vice versa. Couples make it a threesome by dancing with each other and one of your children. Don’t forget to encourage your children to dance with each other as well! Couples remember to include, include, include!

If the restaurant has strolling violin players or a band, ask them to play a kiddie song like, “Old MacDonald Had A Farm” or “The B-I-N-G-O. Song” where the kids can sing along to it and be a part of. Also, couples be sure to sing along with the kids and encourage other people in the restaurant to sing along too to create a fun and festive atmosphere. (Couples, don’t be afraid to ask any musicians in the restaurant to do this. Remember, alot of them probably have children of their own or are happy to play a kiddie song to make your children happy.)

Guys, be sure to “feed” your wife a couple of bites of your food from your own fork or spoon and encourage her to do the same to you. Couples don’t forget to feed the kids a couple of bites of your food and encourage them to feed you a couple of bites of their food. Guys, also ask the waiter if the restaurant offers a dessert like chocolate dipped strawberries or plain fruit like strawberries, blueberries, watermelon slices or grapes. If so, order whichever one that you prefer and feed them to your wife and kids.

Couples, when you want a few seconds to yourselves throughout the evening. Tell the kids that you want to play a game called, “Freeze.” Tell them that whenever you or your spouse says the word, “Freeze,” that the kids have to stop what they are doing for 10 seconds and be still. This means no talking as well. Couples, this will allow you to sneak in a few kisses and hugs in those 10 seconds. Be sure to reward the kids with a couple of hugs and kisses too for playing the game. Plus, be sure to also whip out those small handheld electronic games or mp3 players with headsets for additional seconds to sneak in a few kisses and hugs with your spouse too.

If the restaurant that you go to sells flowers, heart-shaped balloons, boxes of chocolates or other gifts, guys buy a rose not only for your lovely lady but for each one of your children too. By doing this you will make your children feel special, keep their hands busy and give them something all their own to remember this special evening with. Ladies, buy a heart-shaped balloon for your hubby and each one of your children too to make them feel included and to give them a little responsibility as well.

Couples, if you feel up to it and the kids are not too tired and it is safe to do so, take a short walk after your semi-romantic dinner. Hold and caress hands as you walk with your spouse. Couples don’t forget to hold your children’s hands as well and encourage them to hold each others hands too. Make everyone a true part of the walk. Include, include, include!

Rule Number 2: No Constant Yelling or Scolding!

Before you embark on your semi-romantic dinner out on the town with the kids be prepared for the fact that some of the people in the restaurant that you will go to will actually be pissed off at you for bringing your kids along. Usually couples and adults are patrons of restaurants that are deemed “romantic” or “fine dining” establishments. So bringing the kids along to a “romantic restaurant” or “fine dining establishment” will definitely make you unpopular with some of the patrons. But, so what! It’s none of their business anyway. America is a free country. And most restaurants don’t ban children from them, even “romantic restaurants” or “fine dining establishments” because of the crying and noise that they sometimes make. That would be illegal and open the restaurant up to alot of lawsuits.

But couples do your part by not adding fuel to the fire by constantly yelling and scolding your children. Nobody wants to hear that. If you do have to say something to your children like, “Quit hitting your sister!” or “Your behavior is unacceptable!” try to do it in a quiet but firm manner. And if this isn’t working and some heavy duty yelling and scolding is in order, take the child somewhere private like to the restroom or outside the restaurant to do this.

Rule Number 3: Smile and Laugh a lot!

This is the easiest and most fun rule of all!

Throughout your semi-romantic dinner out on the town with the kids try to smile and laugh as much as you possibly can. Remember couples, like dogs and bees can smell a person’s fear, children have the same ability to sense unhappiness in their parents and respond accordingly usually negatively. So smile and laugh alot to send out happy positive vibes that your children will not only pick up on but respond to accordingly. Like Ricardo Montalban’s character “Mr. Roarke” would constantly say on the 1970’s tv show, Fantasy Island, “Smiles everyone, smiles!”

Leave a comment »

%d bloggers like this: