Posts tagged LOL

OXYMORON ALERT: HERE’S A FEW QUESTIONABLE TIPS FOR ALL OF MY HETEROSEXUAL GUYS OUT THERE THIS VALENTINE’S DAY COURTESY OF “A CHARLIE BROWN THANKSGIVING!”


– Hey guys, if a pushy big nosed tri-freckled on each cheek tomboy absolutely insists on inviting herself and two of her friends over to your house uninvited guerrilla-no-kind-of-manners style for Valentine’s Day dinner with you and your family, don’t be a blockhead or a gentleman, either interrupt her insensitive never letting anyone get a word in edgewise ass by yelling loudly into the phone, “Hell no! Hell no! Hell no!” then soundly hanging up or wait for her insensitive ass to come to your home then dump the 6.66 gallons of heart shaped Valentine’s Day candy inscribed with the message, “I have no interest in you whatsoever you crazy bitch! Now get the hell off of my property!” all over her and her two unfortunate friends. But in the event that this chick still doesn’t get the message that you are just not that into her, call the police on her dumb ass with your pink and red heart shaped phone that you use only on Valentine’s Day or other special occasions where you have to deal with psychos.

– Hey guys, if you happen to meet a sweet intelligent brunette who likes to wear John Lennon style spectacles named Marcie who also prefers to refer to pushy aggressive women as “sir” on Valentine’s Day, do yourselves a major fucking favor and snatch her no doubt fantastic in the bedroom kinky ass up quick before some other motherfucker snatches up this rare jewel! Hey guys, good sexually adept kinky ass girls who refer to pushy aggressive women as “sir” are hard to find especially on Valentine’s Day!

– Hey guys, if you happen to run into a girl from your childhood named Lucy who constantly use to prank your young gullible ass back in the day by asking you to kick a football while she holds it then pulls it away at the last minute just as you were about to kick that sucker to the moon, get your revenge on her shedevil ass for the many times that you wound up on your ass by immediately texting her photo to every football player on Twitter with a short message about the prank and don’t forget to tell them what a lousy punt she was, too. Oh, i’m sorry guys, I meant, lousy cunt she was. Sorry about that! I don’t want to get into trouble for not being grammatically correct! Anyhoo fellas, with justified revenge like this, let me tell you that I bet you a shitload of money that she won’t be pulling that prank again on anyone else except Tim Tebow which I know for sure would be damn fine with alot of folks!  Oh, snap!

– Hey guys, especially guys named Charles or Chuck, on Valentine’s Day or any other time of the damn year do your damndest to try to avoid irritating delusional baseball lovin’ girls who secretly think that you like them who are nicknamed after a chocolate mint. I mean, come on guys, that’s just plain common sense right there!

– And last but not least guys, when a good friend with a name like Linus constantly helps you to find solutions to your easy-ass problems because your so damn spineless and wishy washy, do something special for him on Valentine’s Day by ditching your wife or girlfriend to have a bros over hos night out! Guys rent a hotel room for the night at any hotel that has many big screens tvs playing ESPN in the lounge while you hang out for a while getting pissed on booze and using your friend Linus’ blue blanket to snap the asses of all of the other drunken men in the bar as they pass by you guys to go take a leak, a shit or fix their hair. And when you guys finally get tired of that shit, continue your bromance in your hotel room by watching a couple of hours of the rented dvd, I Love You, Man, that you brought along with you while you munch on the hot wings, onion rings and tequila that you ordered up from room service. And when you guys finally get done with that shit, giggle and twirl your hair manly style while you talk about the hotness and big breastedness of some of the women that you both would like to bang in the future while simultaneously prank calling random names from your ephonebook. And guys don’t forget to give your friend Linus a nice manly hug and the big ol’ box of heart shaped chocolates and goofy Snoopy and Woodstock Valentine’s Day friendship card that you got him at some point during your bros over hos Valentine’s Day night out!

AND TO ALL OF MY HETEROSEXUAL GUYS OUT THERE, HAVE A HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY AND TRY NOT TO BREAK ALOT OF FEMALE HEARTS OR VAGINAS, YOU SLY DOGS! WOOF! WOOF!

P.S.    And guys, like the York Peppermint Patty slogan says, “I hope on Valentine’s night you all get the sensation!!!”

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TWO OF MRS. CLAUS’ NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS FOR 2013!


(Mrs. Claus’ New Year’s Resolution 1!)
-Offer to perform 69 with Santa in lieu of having to sing 1 more goddamn’ Christmas carol to 666 snot-nosed fucking brats on Christmas eve.

AND

(Mrs. Claus’ New Year’s Resolution 2!)
-Use my hot cross buns vibrator with the frankincense & myrrh clitoral stimulator only during Lent so that way I won’t have to give up “meat” altogether because lord knows I ain’t gettin’ any from Santa.

ANYHOO, MERRY CHRISTMAS & HAPPY NEW YEAR, FOLKS!

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TINA KNOWLEDGEABLE PEDEN’S GREETING CARDS IN A BLOG POST! (GREETING CARD 11)


This is a greeting card that I wrote for all of you hardworking mister moms out there! Enjoy!

H oney did you pick up my dress at the dry cleaners?

O uch dad that medicine really stings!

U look marvelous darling!

S ex at 3:18 a.m. in the morning!

E scape from New York to the local movie theatre for some alone time!

H ollering down the stairs to the kids to bequiet!

U rsula use english not that teeny bopper slang!

S he works hard for the money buys the bacon and I fry it up in a pan.

B equiet!

A n afternoon delight with my lovely wife!

N o son you can’t go out with a girl named Madonna tonight or ever!

D ad you’re a big pain in the ass but we all really love you!

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THE TOP 10 THINGS TO AVOID DOING IF YOU WANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY AS A PROFESSIONAL RAPPER!


10. Avoid having your prep school buddies tell back in the day stories about you.

9. Avoid having talking parrots named “Peepsta” talk shit about you behind your back.

8. Avoid having a one-name professional stage name like Bret, Kippy or Witherspoon.

7. Avoid having white people walk beside you at daytime instead of moving across the street.

6. Avoid having respected rappers like Ice-T, Dr. Dre or Snoop Dogg diss you in a rap song.

5. Avoid starring in a lame-ass movie like “Are We There Yet” and star in a kick-ass tv show like “Law & Order SVU”. (Hey Ice Cube, I applaud the showing of a loving caring black father but overall the movie still sucked! Sorry brother, just telling it like it is! And Ice-T, I love the show and your cop character, Fin Tutuola! From rapping about killing cops to portraying one. You’ve come a long way, baby! In the good sense, of course.)

4. Avoid attending National Organization of Women rallies where you bust out rhymes like “Everybody let’s get this party started! So I want all of ya’ll to say strong confident woman, strong confident woman!” When a more appropriate professional rapper would have busted out a rhyme like “Everybody let’s get this party started! So I want all of ya’ll to say ho! Say ho ho ho ho!” (P.S. Professionalism goes a long way in the rap world!)

3. Avoid ripping off the names of kick-ass legendary actors like “Al Pacino” and going by a totally lame-ass variation of it like “Alpa Chino” in real life or in fictional kick-ass movies like Tropic Thunder. (P.S. This black female writer thinks that talented-ass white actor, Robert Downey Jr. did a totally kick-ass performance as black Sargeant Lincoln O’Siris in the kick-ass movie, Tropic Thunder!)

2. Avoid writing a song for use in real life or in a fictional movie like Tropic Thunder where you repeatedly say, “I love the pussy! Hell yeah! I love the pussy! Hell yeah!” When you clearly love the penis. More specifically former N’Sync boy band member and passable actor, Lance Bass’ penis! (Ewww, gross!)

1. Avoid having a totally talented-ass but scary-ass especially when it comes to his ex-wife, Kim, white rapper like Eminem (a.k.a. Marshall Mathers) give you any kind of praise whatsoever! (P.S. Eminem may be a totally talented-ass scary-ass multi-million dollar numerous number one songs rapper but he is a totally talented-ass scary-ass multi-million dollar numerous number one songs WHITE rapper which to the world of rap which is predominantly BLACK is a total negative. God Bless Rap In America And God Please Eliminate Reverse Racism In America!)

WARNING & SPECIAL NOTE: If you are a BLACK rapper who either is from Stamford Connecticut or has parents with white collar jobs avoid going into rap at all because you’ll never be taken seriously and will be constantly dissed for not being poor or not growing up in a bad neighborhood! But if you are black rappers in the above situations who absolutely insist on going into rap because it is your God given right, then perhaps take a play out of the Black But Totally Middle Class Will Smith Play Book and rap only about things that you know like “Parents Just Don’t Understand” Middle Class Stuff. And in your case black rappers from Stamford Connecticut or whose parents have white collar jobs try rapping about your country club woes or which college should I go to in the fall woes and the rap world just may accept and only snicker a little at you.

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TINA KNOWLEDGEABLE PEDEN’S DATING TIPS FOR MEN! (TIP 3) THERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT YOU DON’T PLAY WITH ON A DATE, BUDDY!


Play with it in a darkened movie theatre or at home in your locked bedroom but guys, NEVER, I repeat, NEVER, play with it while you are out on a date!  (Not unless your date is really kinky!)
Trust me guys, nothing turns off a female faster than seeing a guy constanly twirling his hair playfully around his finger and tossing it around like he is in one of those dopey shampoo commercials.
Guys, a woman won’t hate you because your beautiful, she’ll hate you because you’re totally lame!
In other words guys, leave your hair the hell alone!
(FOR EMERGENCIES ONLY:  If you are a man out on a date and suddenly are hit with a powerful urge to start twirling your hair around your finger or even worse, tossing it around like you are in one of those dopey shampoo commercials, for the love of god, get the fuck away from your date as fast as you can!  Leave that chick in the damn dust!  Then immediately seek out your nearest elementary school.  Either get permission to enter the school from a staff member or simply break into the muthafucker!  After all, this is an emergency and the police will understand and not arrest you for breaking and entering after you have told them the reason why you had to do it.  Anyhoo, once inside of the elementary school immediately go to the nearest chalkboard and write the following phrase, “I AM A MAN HEAR ME ROAR!  I’M NOT GONNA’ PLAY WITH IT ANYMORE!”  Be sure to write this phrase on the chalkboard at least 100 times or at least until the urge to twirl and toss your hair around like they do in all of those dopey shampoo commercials subsides.)

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TINA “KNOWLEDGEABLE” PEDEN’S POP CULTURE DICTIONARY (VOLUME 12) WHAT IS THE RUBBING ALCOHOL RUSE?


(Definition) The Rubbing Alcohol Ruse is a devilishly clever code strategy that a sneaky-ass man or woman perpetrates by deliberately writing down the item, “rubbing alcohol” as a simple reminder to themselves to buy a large-ass quantity of liquor on their grocery lists in lieu of writing down the actual words vodka, Jim Beam, tequila, Jack Daniels or whatever the hell other spirit that the sneaky-ass man or woman wants to buy in order to cover their ass just in case any other pain-in-the-ass person in their life should see the grocery list such as a member of the clergy, the family doctor or a nosy-ass co-worker who’ll no doubt think that the sneaky-ass man or woman is a closeted alcoholic lush for buying so much booze and will no doubt joyfully spread this news to every Tom, Dick and Harry that they know or give communion wafers to thereby forcing the sneaky-ass man or woman to take the diabolic route to buying the intoxicants that they so desperately love.

I will now use this phrase in a sentence to clarify it’s meaning.

GROCERY LIST:

-Tomatoes

-Black Olives

-Lean Ground Beef

-Lettuce

-Cheddar Cheese

-Sour Cream

-Taco Sauce

-Hard & Soft Taco Shells

-Rubbing Alcohol (Invisible i.e. all the liquor I need to make those lethal-ass grandpa margaritas)

-Onion

-Tortilla Chips

-Guacamole

Father Breckinmeyer, it was so good of you to stop by! And by the by, before you leave can you do me a favor and please hand me my grocery list that’s being held securely by that big ol’ happy face magnet on the refrigerator? You see Father, i’m making tacos for dinner tonight and I will simply be cross with myself if I forget a single item (i.e. the booze for the grandpa margaritas) on my grocery list.

(Innocent smile flashed to the priest by the perpetrator and a low-down dirty snicker that no man of the cloth could possibly hear! Oh God! Oh Jesus! Oh how I simply adore The Rubbing Alcohol Ruse! Another low-down dirty snicker!)

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TINA “KNOWLEDGEABLE” PEDEN’S A NOTEWORTHY ATTRIBUTE REVIEWS: HAPPY EARTH DAY RUNNERS OF AMERICA! THIS ONE’S FOR YOU!


Hey runners, I wrote this review just for you!
To read the review please read on!

A Noteworthy Attribute:
(Runner’s Alley)
Cost: Varies–On how much your body carries!As singer, Manfred Mann of Manfred Mann’s Earth Band once famously sang in his 1984 hit song, Runner:Through the night
Through the dawn
Behind you another runner is born
Don’t look back
You’ve been there
Feel the mist as your breath hits the air

And it’s underneath the moonlight
Passing some
Still your heart beats in the moonlight
Like a drum

And you will run your time
A shooting star across the sky
And you will surely cross the line

But let me fill you in my dear review reading audience and Mr. Manfred Mann himself in on one important detail.  You may run your time and be a shooting star across the sky and perhaps even be the first to surely cross the finish line but honey you have absolutely no chance of doing it until you buy the proper running equipment from Runner’s Alley in Portsmouth New Hampshire! I’m sorry but that’s just a fact, baby!

This elite sporting good store for the most astute and discriminating runner who only believes in  using the best is jammed packed in a pleasant way with a myriad of items of such quality that even 1976 gold medal decathalon winner, Bruce Jenner would happily train in such as running shoes in all styles and sizes for men and their lovely ladies, clothing and sunglasses that any runner will be sure to look their absolute best in because to some individuals in the running community it’s not how good you actually run (Sacrilege!) it’s how good you look while you are running.

Runner’s Alley also has plenty of reflective gear for those late night David Letterman or Jay Leno watching runners and we mustn’t forget those runners who love the public eye and want the spotlight on them at all times, literally, Runner’s Alley also has plenty of reflective gear for them too!  And for those hard-headed and head strong runners who absolutely insist on finding their own way, Runner’s Alley has a brilliant array of GPS units just for them and a much much more for runners of all temperments!

But my favorite item at Runner’s Alley by far is their best item which is their wide array of fuelbelts!  And for those of you coach potatoes out there like me who have recently entered the fitness game, a fuelbelt is a fancy schmancy word for a water bottle that you wear around your waist while running safely secured on a belt.  Some fuelbelts have the capacity to only carry one water bottle while others have the capacity to carry multiple water bottles while you are running.  Cool beans!  Or should I say cool water!

And for a totally committed and dedicated runner, a fuelbelt is a vital and necessary tool which has many uses such as:

-If you decide to run the Boston Marathon you can wear a 2 bottle fuelbelt.  You can fill one bottle with water and use it to hydrate yourself throughout the 26 mile trek and you can fill the other one with champagne and use it to either celebrate your accomplishment or cry and whine about not being the first runner to cross the finish line.  It all just depends on whether you are a happy selfless person or a sore loser crybaby.

-Wearing a four bottle fuelbelt gives you the capability of massively soaking yourself from head to toe with water so that you can look like you really worked up a sweat during your run while passing a hot girl that you have been crushing on.

-Fuelbelts are excellent weapons against those pesky dogs that constantly pursue you during your morning runs.  Simply take your water bottle off of your belt and squirt a drop or two of water in a canine’s face and I guarantee that Fido will then move in the opposite direction.

-Fuelbelts are also an excellent diversionary tool.  For example, wear a three bottle fuelbelt to your spouse’s family reunion that you absolutely don’t want to attend then when nobody is looking take the water bottle filled with pop rocks candy and pour it into the water bottle filled with mountain dew soda and place it carefully on the ground a few feet away from your pesky in-laws and wait a few minutes for the explosion to occur then while everyone is distracted haul your buttocks out of there pronto! As you run merrily home, be sure to savor the taste of cool water from the last remaining water bottle on your fuelbelt.  Don’t forget to congratulate yourself for a job well done.

So now that you see the many wonderful uses of fuelbelts run, walk, skip or hop down to Runner’s Alley when you need the absolute best in all things running, walking, skipping and hopping!  I guarantee you won’t regret it!

And last but not least, I would like to propose a toast to all of you who do take my advice by going down to Runner’s Alley and buying some merchandise.  Here’s to your good judgment and to your good health!

Spandex-clad bottoms up to you!

And I also hope that your running shoes have a very Happy Earth Day not just today but everyday of the year!

P.S.    After you read the review please click on SURPRISE! for your surprise.

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