Posts tagged Marriage


I recently watched an episode of the tv news/entertainment show, Inside Edition where they did a feature story on Purity Balls.

And for those of you out there thinking that Inside Edition did a story on males with squeaky clean testicles, your dead wrong!

A Purity Ball is a formal party that is thrown where young girls wearing beautiful white ball gowns make a solemn vow to their fathers wearing black or white tie to abstain from having sex until they are married.

And folks, they are becoming more and more popular! Go figure!

Here are a few thoughts that I have on Purity Balls:

– In terms of teenage girls abstaining from sex until they’re hitched, i’m all for it because let’s face it a girl only gets to be young once in her life and for me that means going to college, traveling to different places and doing fun things without the encumbrances of adult life, i.e taking care of a constantly crying newborn baby when the girl who just gave birth to this baby is practically a baby herself!

– But in terms of Purity Balls when it comes to me personally I have to honestly say that I could never make such a solemn vow to abstain from sex until marriage because to me one of the most important parts of a healthy lasting relationship is good sex. It is an absolute requirement that I be sexually compatible with my man and for me the worst Purity Ball fear is that if I waited until after I was married to have sex with my man and found out that he was lousy in bed could I stay with this person forever knowing this no matter how much I loved him. Folks, i’m a person who likes to know exactly what I am getting when I buy or invest in something. I mean don’t get me wrong I like surprises every once in a while but in terms of the Purity Ball thing, no freakin’ way!

–  So in terms of Purity Balls not being the right thing for me personally i’m glad that they are the right thing for alot of other people out there especially teenage girls. And I hope to see more young girls making that solemn vow to abstain from sex until marriage and I really hope to see Purity Balls with young teenage males and their mothers making that solemn vow too!

– And last but not least,  no offense,  Purity Balls and people who participate in them are also a tad bit creepy to me.

P.S.     Although I applaud the general theory of the Purity Ball, I ain’t gonna’ lie and say that there is a little part of me that totally delights in a girl who thinks that she is better and more god fearing than you and has sworn up and down that she will not have sex until she’s married only to get knocked up and busted a short time later for being a total fraud and hypocrite.

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I can’t remember what exactly triggered the memory but as I was doing the dishes two days ago, I thought of something that I haven’t for a long time.

About ten years ago when I had delusions of stand up comedic grandeur I went to a talent agency in Omaha. At that time folks I was living in Des Moines Iowa and Omaha Nebraska back then to me was the Los Angeles California of the Midwest.

Anyhoo when I went to this talent agency in Omaha that I immediately noticed was run by a lack luster Richard Belzer knockoff instead of this clone asking me important comedian things like for instance to deliver a short monologue or if I had racked up any stage time all this idiot seemed to harp on about was that I was not wearing any makeup and if the truth be told I was totally shocked! And as you probably can surmise, I kicked this sorry-ass loser to the curb along with the rest of the garbage. And I also abandoned all thoughts of being a professional stand up comedian opting instead to be a writer who specializes in comedy writing.

And to make a long story short, I hope, over the past two days this incident that happened so long ago has gotten me to thinking about the big “M” issue and for those committment phobic guys who weren’t paying attention in the previous three paragraphs of this blog post, don’t get scared and run away because when I refer to the big “M” issue I am not talking about marriage but rather something just as important to the female society of America and that issue is makeup. And more specifically, whether to wear it or not to wear it.

In my case I choose not to wear makeup and it still surprises me that even today some people think that this is a serious crime. I mean no where in the American female handbook says that to be a real woman you have to wear makeup.

In regards to performing on the stage or on film I of course know that wearing makeup can help a person to look their absolute best, transform them into a different person or bolster their self esteem. But in my case and alot of other women’s cases these things simply doesn’t apply. In fact it is the total opposite for me. Wearing makeup totally lowers my self confidence because I am constantly worried about how long it will take the makeup to run and look streaky due to my extremely oily and blemish prone skin. And that is the primary reason why I have kicked makeup to the curb along with the rest of the garbage.

Even though it was absolutely none of the lack luster Richard Belzer knockoff talent agency owner’s business why I was not wearing makeup all of these years later I deeply regret not showing some backbone by telling him the reason why I was not wearing makeup plus I also regret not telling him a few other things as well, such as…………..

Does makeup have some special magical powers that I don’t know about such as delivering a perfect monologue for you on stage?

Will makeup protect your feelings and pride from cruel insults from hecklers?

Will makeup itself turn you into a superstar comedian like Richard Pryor or Jerry Seinfeld?

And folks, we all know the answers to these questions. I’m just hoping that the lack luster Richard Belzer knockoff talent agency owner in Omaha will some day know it too and focus on more important things from potential clients like talent and skill and not superficial things like whether or not a person is wearing makeup.

You know folks, saying your peace really can make you feel a whole lot better even after ten years.

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This article appeared in the Issue 13 of Dig This Real Magazine.

A. Signs That You Have Come Into Contact With A Bridezilla

1. Do you have a friend or relative who used to be as “sweet as apple pie” but has done a complete 180 and turned into a Witch, ever since she got engaged?

2. Is the only thing that you hear roaring out of her mouth since she got engaged is: MY WEDDING! MY WEDDING! MY WEDDING!

3. Would you happily prefer to have a root-canal over having to be within a 10 foot radius of your newly-engaged friend or relative?

Well, CONGRATULATIONS! You have just come into contact with your first Bridezilla! (God help you!)

And, just in case some of you out there reading this article don’t know what a Bridezilla is, the following is a definition written by author and etiquette expert, Gail Dunson, that pretty much sums it up.

BRIDEZILLAS are a new breed of soon-to-wed women who abuse the idea that weddings are “their day.” They terrorize their bridal party and family members, make greedy demands and break all rules of etiquette to insure that they are the single most important person on the planet from the time that they are engaged to
the time that they are married.

The transformation from good to evil is truly astounding! For a real-life example of this phenomenon, tune into the television show, Bridezillas which comes on at 10 pm ET and 7 pm PT on The Women’s Entertainment (WE) channel. For more info, visit their website at

B. How To Get Rid Of A Bridezilla

There are a lot of ways that a person can get rid of a Bridezilla, but most of them are against the law. Basically, if you don’t want to wind up in jail or in the electric chair, I am going to suggest this less controversial method. Buy her a journal and encourage her to use it frequently.

One of the main reasons why a Bridezilla acts the way that she does or any other
bride for that matter, is the extreme stress that usually comes with planning and
executing a wedding. Go out and buy her a journal so that she can record her thoughts and experiences, good and bad, leading up to the big day.

Frequent journaling can help a Bridezilla get the little things as well as the big
ones off of her chest. This release can actually make her feel better mentally and physically because
some of the weight that she has been carrying around has been lifted.

Also, by recording her thoughts and experiences and then going back and re-reading
what she has written can sometimes make things much clearer and give her some
fresh insight that she didn’t have before. Journaling really can help you solve some of your problems.

When deciding what type of journal to buy for your friend or relative, remember anything goes! The journal that you give to her can be of any size or of any medium. The journal can be small and portable like a pocket-sized notebook or it can be big and bulky and require a forklift to carry it. It doesn’t matter! Also folks, remember that the year that we are currently living in is 2006. The journal has come a long way baby!

– -For those Millennium Bridezillas, you might want to consider giving her a microcassette recorder with a pack of microcassettes. This method of journaling is highly effective for those Bridezillas on the go and for those who love
to hear the sound of their own voices.

– -For those Voyeuristic Bridezillas you might want to suggest to her that she create her own online journal or wedding blog. There are so many sites where she can do this. And do it for free! and are some
good ones. is another excellent one.

At Blogger, she can publish her thoughts and get feedback from other Bridezillas, professional wedding planners, cake decorators, florists, etc. Blogger also lets you post photos! So basically, a Bridezilla can snap a shot of her wedding dress and then upload it for all the world to see and drool over. They also have two other cool features worth mentioning. The first one is called Blogger Mobile. It lets you send photos and text to your blog from your phone. A must for the Bridezilla on the go! The second is Audio Blogger which lets you call Blogger from any phone and leave a message that is instantly posted to your blog as an MP3 audio file! How cool is that!

Remember, whatever method a Bridezilla uses to journal doesn’t matter, just as long as she does it, FREQUENTLY! The main objective in helping a Bridezilla get rid of the stress that is making her act irrationally is for her to get what is bothering her out on paper, cassette, an online journal or blog, or even on a video/dvd. And not to take it out on innocent friends, relatives or hired staff who just want to help.

It’s important as a friend or relative, that you make her see that journaling during this extremely stressful time has so many benefits that she should take advantage of.
For instance:

1. She can use her journal to set goals and deadlines of what she wants to accomplish each day before the wedding.

2. She can really get herself organized which may help to alleviate some of the chaos that comes with planning and executing a wedding.

3. She can keep track of her expenditures. Nothing creates more stress for a Bridezilla than spending money that she doesn’t have.

4. Her journal can serve as a beloved memento that can be shared with the kids one

– -In the case of an online journal, she can help other brides-to-be, by sharing
valuable info like: who are the best caterers in town, the photographers who
are most likely to rip you off, etc.

And do you want to know what the biggest benefit of all is?

Frequent journaling has the power to get rid of a Bridezilla!

And let’s face it, that is exactly what everyone involved in a wedding wants, including the Bridezilla herself.

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Guys, picture it!

After years and years of teeth whitening treatments, numerous phone number changes and one night stands you finally find a woman who turns a blind eye to your porn, doesn’t have a cow when you forget to put the toilet seat down and actually seems happy that your TV is permanently tuned to ESPN, basically your dream girl!

Your so happy you could burst rainbows, life is truly worth living, you’re floating on cloud nine then all of a sudden, POP! The bubble bursts and you come crashing down to earth and land hard on a sword. And you don’t just land on any sword my friend, you land on the worst sword of all, a double-edged sword.

To put this in dating & relationship terms guys, you finally find your version of the perfect woman that you want to marry and spend the rest of your life with. Great! Fantastic! Everything is going so well! Great! Fantastic! Then your wife-to-be takes you over to meet her parents and all of a sudden you feel like you’ve been hit by a tractor-trailer truck because you shockingly discover that you absolutely can’t stand “the witch” or to be more accurate, your future mother-in-law to be.

This can’t be happening, you think. How can the same wonderful woman that you fell in love with come from the womb of this monster! It’s just not possible! Your mind suddenly starts to reel! You think all kinds of things. You think about running, you think about crying, you think about jumping off a bridge, you even consider for a few seconds dumping the woman that you love so dearly but you quickly change your mind because after all to reiterate the fact, you do love this woman dearly. You feel yourself starting to get depressed because you don’t know what the hell you’re going to do!

After a couple of days of heavy duty thinking and a little drinking, you come to a realization. You know with every fiber of your being that you love this woman and you can’t live without her. She is “the one” and there is nothing that anyone can do, including your future monster-in-law, that will ever change that. Now that you are calm and thinking rationally you decide instead of hiring a hitman to take her out there must be something that you can do to deal with your extremely unpleasant mother-in-law when your in her presence but nothing instantly springs to mind.

Guys, first of all, I want you to relax because help is here! Below are some options that you have when it comes to dealing with your mother-in-law on a long term basis.


Guys, this method is the easiest way to deal with your mother-in-law. It’s simple really. Guys, you basically become your mother-in-law’s permanent pee-on until the day either you or her kicks the bucket. You do everything she says without ever complaining, you agree with her on everything without giving her your opinion, you never defend or stick up for yourself when she says something negative about you all with a big ol’ smile on your face. In essence, you become her doormat.

Advantages: You probably won’t have any trouble with her and she may like you all the more.

Disadvantages: You’ll probably feel like a total loser and not much of a man.


Guys, another approach that you can take when dealing with your mother-in-law is to become the great pretender. Basically this approach involves smiling sweetly in your mother-in-law’s face while temporarily going along with whatever she says then totally disregarding it when your out of her presence.

Advantages: Most likely to win you some points with your mother-in-law if she doesn’t catch on to what your doing, allows you to temporarily keep the peace and doesn’t make you feel like a man that’s been completely castrated.

Disadvantages: You may have to do a lot of lying which isn’t morally right and you are being partly castrated because of having to temporarily go along with things you either disagree with or don’t want to do because of your monster-in-law which is a real bummer.


This is the worst approach to take when dealing with your mother-in-law but in all fairness I have to present you with all of your options, guys. Basically, when it comes to dealing with your mother-in-law, you don’t deal with her, you do whatever the hell you want. Meaning you don’t take any crap from her, you disagree with her as much as possible, you don’t take her feelings into account at all, you act however you want, you say whatever you want, you make no effort to hide the fact that you don’t like her and you also don’t even try to get along with her.

Advantages: It may make you feel like a big powerful man and you probably won’t be getting too many visits from your mother-in-law.

Disadvantages: Constant quarreling may occur, your mother-in-law most likely will dislike you and you may have problems with your wife.


Guys, this is the best method of all. Keep in mind that it is one of the hardest but usually nothing good comes easy. This approach involves at times compromising on certain issues, setting limits on certain things, being a little fake to avoid hurting your mother-in-law’s feelings, sucking it up a little when she says things that hurt your feelings and being truthful & respectful on things of importance to you when you are in her presence even when she doesn’t do it herself. The important thing is to keep trying or making an effort in order to create a good long term loving relationship with her even though at times it may seem impossible. But guys, let me tell you something, you can do it plus your family’s happiness is worth it! Just try and don’t give up!

Advantages: Your wife will love you for it and you may gain your mother-in-law’s respect.

Disadvantages: None! (Hurray!)

Guys, in the end you must remember this, only you can decide for yourself what approach to take when dealing with your mother-in-law but whatever approach that you ultimately decide to take, I want to wish you good luck and good health with it! And remember, you can do it! You can have a positive relationship with your mother-in-law or at least make an effort to! Again, good luck!

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