Posts tagged Music/Songs

“OH CHRIST, I GOT BABY FEVER!” A SONG AND PRAYER WRITTEN BY TINA KNOWLEDGEABLE PEDEN!


Hey since retailers start selling Christmas merchandise so early anyway I decided to jump on their bandwagon and do a revamping of a song that I wrote back in January 2012.  Enjoy and have yourself an early Merry Christmas! And Happy Early Birthday, Jesus!

This song can either be performed in the spoken word or it can be sung.

Verse 1:

Hey mom, gross, I really hate this chicken croquette,

I can’t eat this crap if i’m going to be a Radio City Music Hall Rockette,

Just you wait and see mama i’m gonna’ be the best dancer on that stage yet,

With the best-looking gams in the whole wide world, a perfect high-kicking set,

Oh mom will you please give me a break and quit harpin’ on my lousy ettiquette,

Mom, I really do love ya’ but you are the lamest chick that I have ever met!

Chorus:

Oh Christ, I got baby fever and there’s only one cure,

Johnson’s Baby Shampoo almost 100% pure,

Dr. Seuss prescribed me a big ol’ dose of “Cat in the Hat,”

No green eggs or ham or Jack Sprat,

Just a cradle with a beautiful baby in it, skinny or fat,

A maternal inferno is burning deep down inside of me,

And Christ, it will never stop until i’m a mommy!

To put it simply, Lord, I want a baby!

Verse 2:

Hey dad, I really love this corndog on a stick,

But I can’t have too many of them if i’m gonna’ be a New York Knick,

Just you wait and see papa i’m gonna’ be selected first round draft pick,

With the best darn jump shot in the league cause’ my skills are seriously sick,

Oh dad, will you please give me a break i’m not a stamp that needs a lick,

Dad, I really love ya’ but there are plenty of ballplayers like me with a stubborn cowlick,

So leave my hair alone and stop crying those totally lame proud parent tears like really quick!

They are sooo gross, I mean really dad, ick!

Chorus:

Oh Christ, I got baby fever and there’s only one cure,

Johnson’s Baby Shampoo almost 100% pure,

Dr. Seuss prescribed me a big ol’ dose of “Cat in the Hat,”

No green eggs or ham or Jack Sprat,

Just a cradle with a beautiful baby in it, skinny or fat,

A paternal inferno is burning deep down inside of me,

And Christ, it will never stop until i’m a daddy!

To put it simply, Lord, I want a baby!

Verse 3:

Bottles and booties all over the place, everywhere,

Many sleepless nights and wild-looking disheveled hair,

I’m not talking to you dad cause’ i’m grounded glued to this rotten chair,

Young man, i’m only doing this so you’ll be morally-rounded cause’ I care,

Baby shake rattle, baby shake rattle, baby shake rattle, in the air,

Kids bedtime, this as a loving but tired father, I do happily declare!

Chorus:

Oh Christ, I got baby fever and there’s only one cure,

Johnson’s Baby Shampoo almost 100% pure,

Dr. Seuss prescribed me a big ol’ dose of “Cat in the Hat,”

No green eggs or ham or Jack Sprat,

Just a cradle with a beautiful baby in it, skinny or fat,

A paternal inferno is burning deep down inside of me,

And Christ, it will never stop until i’m a daddy!

To put it simply, Lord, I want a baby!

Verse 4:

My biological clock is going tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock, there’s no escape,

I have a dream of reading aloud to my kids “Hickory Dickory Dock” and tales of “Grape Ape,”

Sex, pregnancy and a whole bunch of recorded dvd and many a videotape,

Merry Christmas mommy, how do I look all dressed up as a shepherd in my big brother’s old white cape,

Tears come to my eyes as I watch my child in the Christmas pageant up on the stage with my mouth totally agape,

How in the world Carmen Sandiego did he get all of that scotch tape to stay up around his nape, my oh my, what a cool drape!

Chorus:

Oh Christ, I got baby fever and there’s only one cure,

Johnson’s Baby Shampoo almost 100% pure,

Dr. Seuss prescribed me a big ol’ dose of “Cat in the Hat,”

No green eggs or ham or Jack Sprat,

Just a cradle with a beautiful baby in it, skinny or fat,

A maternal inferno is burning deep down inside of me,

And Christ, it will never stop until i’m a mommy!

To put it simply, Lord, I want a baby!

Verse 5:

So big boy I hope you got the message and that I made myself crystal clear,

Okay Mama, let’s make a baby is the only thing that I want to hear,

Because boy oh boy or should I say girl oh girl I am oh so ready for this my dear,

So lover, take me in your arms and let’s start this baby-making party off with a kiss that will scorch and sear,

Hey big boy, I want you to know that I love you and there’s no pressure here,

But the only thing that I want for Christmas is to have your baby by the end of next year!

Cheers!

Chorus:

Oh Christ, I got baby fever and there’s only one cure,

Johnson’s Baby Shampoo almost 100% pure,

Dr. Seuss prescribed me a big ol’ dose of “Cat in the Hat,”

No green eggs or ham or Jack Sprat,

Just a cradle with a beautiful baby in it, skinny or fat,

A maternal and paternal inferno is burning deep down inside of me,

And Christ, it will never stop until we’re a mommy and daddy!

To put it simply, Lord, we want a baby!

Verse 6:

It’s nice to know that us humans on earth are not alone and that we are all truly God’s children through and through,

Because one day over two thousand years ago God himself had a major case of baby fever too,

He chose Mary to be the mother of his baby and Joseph to watch over them even though to what was going on neither of them really didn’t have a clue,

But they both loved and trusted God so they let this guide them and their hearts also told them that this unusual miraculous request was the right thing to do,

And on Christmas Day a long time ago a baby boy named Jesus was born in a stable in Bethlehem wrapped in swaddling clothes lying in a manger that was far from new,

Shepherds and wise men from different places all over the world traveled to Bethlehem to praise this new king, bring him gifts and to see if this wonderful miracle was really true,

But in their heart of hearts they already knew that Jesus the Saviour, their king, was born for one and all, expressly for me and you,

So today and every year we celebrate his birthday, Christmas Day,  at different places all over the world because he is the one thing that unites us all together, he is our special spiritual glue!

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS, WE LOVE YOU!

AND GOD WE ALSO LOVE YOU VERY MUCH TOO!

THANK YOU FOR HAVING A MAJOR CASE OF BABY FEVER UP IN HEAVEN JUST LIKE US HUMANS ON EARTH DO!

Chorus:

Oh Christ, I got baby fever and there’s only one cure,

Johnson’s Baby Shampoo almost 100% pure,

Dr. Seuss prescribed me a big ol’ dose of “Cat in the Hat,”

No green eggs or ham or Jack Sprat,

Just a manger with a beautiful baby boy in it, skinny or fat,

An almighty paternal inferno is burning deep down inside of me,

And Christ, it will never stop until a God like me is a daddy!

To put it simply, Lord, and I know that I am talking to myself, I, the Lord Almighty want a baby!

It’s time for even me to be a daddy!

Prayer:

Oh Lord in heaven, give me strength, please help me,

Cause’ I know at times i’m gonna’ have my work cut out for me,

I know that being a good mama or papa ain’t always gonna’ be easy,

But I don’t care, that part doesn’t even bother or faze me,

Cause’ i’ll happily take on this parental challenge given unto thee,

Lord, this christian soldier is oh so ready to raise a good loving family,

One that will offer up love and praise to you everyday faithfully,

Oh Christ, I got baby fever and their’s only one cure,

A beautiful living legacy created by me for you that will forever endure!

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THE TOP 10 THINGS TO AVOID DOING IF YOU WANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY AS A PROFESSIONAL RAPPER!


10. Avoid having your prep school buddies tell back in the day stories about you.

9. Avoid having talking parrots named “Peepsta” talk shit about you behind your back.

8. Avoid having a one-name professional stage name like Bret, Kippy or Witherspoon.

7. Avoid having white people walk beside you at daytime instead of moving across the street.

6. Avoid having respected rappers like Ice-T, Dr. Dre or Snoop Dogg diss you in a rap song.

5. Avoid starring in a lame-ass movie like “Are We There Yet” and star in a kick-ass tv show like “Law & Order SVU”. (Hey Ice Cube, I applaud the showing of a loving caring black father but overall the movie still sucked! Sorry brother, just telling it like it is! And Ice-T, I love the show and your cop character, Fin Tutuola! From rapping about killing cops to portraying one. You’ve come a long way, baby! In the good sense, of course.)

4. Avoid attending National Organization of Women rallies where you bust out rhymes like “Everybody let’s get this party started! So I want all of ya’ll to say strong confident woman, strong confident woman!” When a more appropriate professional rapper would have busted out a rhyme like “Everybody let’s get this party started! So I want all of ya’ll to say ho! Say ho ho ho ho!” (P.S. Professionalism goes a long way in the rap world!)

3. Avoid ripping off the names of kick-ass legendary actors like “Al Pacino” and going by a totally lame-ass variation of it like “Alpa Chino” in real life or in fictional kick-ass movies like Tropic Thunder. (P.S. This black female writer thinks that talented-ass white actor, Robert Downey Jr. did a totally kick-ass performance as black Sargeant Lincoln O’Siris in the kick-ass movie, Tropic Thunder!)

2. Avoid writing a song for use in real life or in a fictional movie like Tropic Thunder where you repeatedly say, “I love the pussy! Hell yeah! I love the pussy! Hell yeah!” When you clearly love the penis. More specifically former N’Sync boy band member and passable actor, Lance Bass’ penis! (Ewww, gross!)

1. Avoid having a totally talented-ass but scary-ass especially when it comes to his ex-wife, Kim, white rapper like Eminem (a.k.a. Marshall Mathers) give you any kind of praise whatsoever! (P.S. Eminem may be a totally talented-ass scary-ass multi-million dollar numerous number one songs rapper but he is a totally talented-ass scary-ass multi-million dollar numerous number one songs WHITE rapper which to the world of rap which is predominantly BLACK is a total negative. God Bless Rap In America And God Please Eliminate Reverse Racism In America!)

WARNING & SPECIAL NOTE: If you are a BLACK rapper who either is from Stamford Connecticut or has parents with white collar jobs avoid going into rap at all because you’ll never be taken seriously and will be constantly dissed for not being poor or not growing up in a bad neighborhood! But if you are black rappers in the above situations who absolutely insist on going into rap because it is your God given right, then perhaps take a play out of the Black But Totally Middle Class Will Smith Play Book and rap only about things that you know like “Parents Just Don’t Understand” Middle Class Stuff. And in your case black rappers from Stamford Connecticut or whose parents have white collar jobs try rapping about your country club woes or which college should I go to in the fall woes and the rap world just may accept and only snicker a little at you.

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TINA “KNOWLEDGEABLE” PEDEN’S WACKY-ASS BUSINESS IDEAS & VENTURES! (LIGHTBULB 3)


Since Hollywood has no major originality and has been remaking the hell out of classic tv shows and movies like crazy these past years, that got me to thinking.

I have an idea.

Personally this 42 year old black girl loves old school country music and I figure alot of other people must too.

So……………………..

Why don’t they remake the kick-ass country movie classic, Honeysuckle Rose which starred Willie Nelson, Dyan Cannon and Amy Irving for television.

Since Warner Brothers was the film studio who originally made the movie in the first place they could easily create a tv show around the movie featuring a young Buck Bonham and his country music band and broadcast it on their WB Network alongside teenybopper favorites One Tree Hill and Veronica Mars.

A remake like this could easily give the Fox Network and the show Glee a run for their money.

Plus they could introduce the young people of today to the wonderful country music of the past.

I mean folks don’t get me wrong I like hip hop, rap and pop music but it seems that when it comes to tv shows geared toward the under 30 set, you don’t see a whole lot of country music played on these tv shows.  Folks this is music discrimination and it has got to stop!

Perhaps even Warner Brothers could partner up with Country Music Television and broadcast the new Honeysuckle Rose tv show on both networks.

Folks I think a remake of the Honeysuckle Rose movie into a tv show is a match made in country music and elite television heaven.

Warner Brothers remake the movie, Honeysuckle Rose, please!

P.S.   And don’t forget to hire some young actors who can actually sing!!!  And also don’t forget to ask some kick-ass country guest stars like Waylon Jennings and Merle Haggard to come onto the show as well!

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WHY OH WHY WRITERS DID YAHOO HAVE TO DESTROY ASSOCIATED CONTENT?


When Yahoo purchased the content generating website Associated Content back in 2010 I personally knew that it was the end even if noone else knew it at the time. I mean a big-ass corporation like Yahoo buying a small-ass innovative up and coming company like Associated Content and destroying it was inevitable.

Yahoo proudly claims that ever since they bought Associated Content the quality of the writing from their writers has gotten better but for all of you people not in the know, that is total bullshit! The only people it has gotten better for is the executive staff at Yahoo. It’s barely conceivable to me at times that Yahoo has single-handedly destroyed the creative process on Associated Content in such a short period of time.

For example, in the golden years of Associated Content one of the luxuries bestowed on a AC writer was the ability to have his new content published immediately after three of his or her previous works had been previously published thereby instilling in their writers a sense of trust, freedom and flexibility that makes the creative process heavenly flow but now thanks to those idiots at Yahoo that unfortunately is no more because every single piece of content that a writer composes is reviewed by a totally incompetent lame-ass content manager and sometimes it takes that totally incompetent lame-ass manager two long-ass weeks to get around to reviewing the content which totally sucks! I mean heaven forbid if a new article is put up immediately on Associated Content that is not deemed good enough to generate Yahoo a shitload of money or may offend one of its precious advertisers!

People i’ll tell you that when the late great vocalist, Freddie Mercury of the kick-ass rock group Queen once sang, Another One Bites The Dust, who the hell knew that he would be referring years later to the creative downfall of the once glorious website, Associated Content!

So to all of you greedy corporate bastards at Yahoo Voices which the company is now called (By the by dudes and dudettes, the name Associated Content was much better) I want to take the time to say that you guys and dolls totally suck! And shame on you for ruining the creative process at the formerly glorious website known as Associated Content! You oughtta be sooo ashamed of yourselves! I mean even if the great writer Jane Austen was alive and totally starving and had no other means to make money other than on your website i’ll tell ya’ even she wouldn’t go near your crappy corporatized website!

Anyhoo, I also want to take the time to thank you for being everything that a greedy stereotypical corporation is. Thank you, thank you, thank you for being the Wall Street/Gordon Gekko of this new decade and thereby only caring about your fat wallets and not caring if you screw the little guy (Your writers and their creativity) in the process. You guys truly are corporate pigs! Gordon Gekko would be so proud of you! Yahoo, you have truly proven that greed is good!

I said it before and i’m going to say it again, Yahoo you totally suck! And I want to implore you if ever in the future you are thinking of pulling a “Google” meaning thinking of opening up a “Adsense” kind of program, for the love of God please don’t! At the rate that you are going you will muck that up too! So please don’t even start the madness! Oh, i’m sorry! You already did and it’s called Yahoo Publisher.  Forgive me!  Update:  But you also mucked up your Google Adsense ripoff program and ended it in 2010 which is no surprise.

(Loud-ass snicker!)

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TINA “KNOWLEDGEABLE” PEDEN’S A NOTEWORTHY ATTRIBUTE REVIEWS: HAPPY EARTH DAY RUNNERS OF AMERICA! THIS ONE’S FOR YOU!


Hey runners, I wrote this review just for you!
To read the review please read on!

A Noteworthy Attribute:
(Runner’s Alley)
Cost: Varies–On how much your body carries!As singer, Manfred Mann of Manfred Mann’s Earth Band once famously sang in his 1984 hit song, Runner:Through the night
Through the dawn
Behind you another runner is born
Don’t look back
You’ve been there
Feel the mist as your breath hits the air

And it’s underneath the moonlight
Passing some
Still your heart beats in the moonlight
Like a drum

And you will run your time
A shooting star across the sky
And you will surely cross the line

But let me fill you in my dear review reading audience and Mr. Manfred Mann himself in on one important detail.  You may run your time and be a shooting star across the sky and perhaps even be the first to surely cross the finish line but honey you have absolutely no chance of doing it until you buy the proper running equipment from Runner’s Alley in Portsmouth New Hampshire! I’m sorry but that’s just a fact, baby!

This elite sporting good store for the most astute and discriminating runner who only believes in  using the best is jammed packed in a pleasant way with a myriad of items of such quality that even 1976 gold medal decathalon winner, Bruce Jenner would happily train in such as running shoes in all styles and sizes for men and their lovely ladies, clothing and sunglasses that any runner will be sure to look their absolute best in because to some individuals in the running community it’s not how good you actually run (Sacrilege!) it’s how good you look while you are running.

Runner’s Alley also has plenty of reflective gear for those late night David Letterman or Jay Leno watching runners and we mustn’t forget those runners who love the public eye and want the spotlight on them at all times, literally, Runner’s Alley also has plenty of reflective gear for them too!  And for those hard-headed and head strong runners who absolutely insist on finding their own way, Runner’s Alley has a brilliant array of GPS units just for them and a much much more for runners of all temperments!

But my favorite item at Runner’s Alley by far is their best item which is their wide array of fuelbelts!  And for those of you coach potatoes out there like me who have recently entered the fitness game, a fuelbelt is a fancy schmancy word for a water bottle that you wear around your waist while running safely secured on a belt.  Some fuelbelts have the capacity to only carry one water bottle while others have the capacity to carry multiple water bottles while you are running.  Cool beans!  Or should I say cool water!

And for a totally committed and dedicated runner, a fuelbelt is a vital and necessary tool which has many uses such as:

-If you decide to run the Boston Marathon you can wear a 2 bottle fuelbelt.  You can fill one bottle with water and use it to hydrate yourself throughout the 26 mile trek and you can fill the other one with champagne and use it to either celebrate your accomplishment or cry and whine about not being the first runner to cross the finish line.  It all just depends on whether you are a happy selfless person or a sore loser crybaby.

-Wearing a four bottle fuelbelt gives you the capability of massively soaking yourself from head to toe with water so that you can look like you really worked up a sweat during your run while passing a hot girl that you have been crushing on.

-Fuelbelts are excellent weapons against those pesky dogs that constantly pursue you during your morning runs.  Simply take your water bottle off of your belt and squirt a drop or two of water in a canine’s face and I guarantee that Fido will then move in the opposite direction.

-Fuelbelts are also an excellent diversionary tool.  For example, wear a three bottle fuelbelt to your spouse’s family reunion that you absolutely don’t want to attend then when nobody is looking take the water bottle filled with pop rocks candy and pour it into the water bottle filled with mountain dew soda and place it carefully on the ground a few feet away from your pesky in-laws and wait a few minutes for the explosion to occur then while everyone is distracted haul your buttocks out of there pronto! As you run merrily home, be sure to savor the taste of cool water from the last remaining water bottle on your fuelbelt.  Don’t forget to congratulate yourself for a job well done.

So now that you see the many wonderful uses of fuelbelts run, walk, skip or hop down to Runner’s Alley when you need the absolute best in all things running, walking, skipping and hopping!  I guarantee you won’t regret it!

And last but not least, I would like to propose a toast to all of you who do take my advice by going down to Runner’s Alley and buying some merchandise.  Here’s to your good judgment and to your good health!

Spandex-clad bottoms up to you!

And I also hope that your running shoes have a very Happy Earth Day not just today but everyday of the year!

P.S.    After you read the review please click on SURPRISE! for your surprise.

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HEY WORDPRESS, WILL YOU PLEASE LET US BLOGGERS SET OUR OWN DAMN GOALS! WHAT ARE WE, BABIES?


(Here’s a little humor piece dedicated to all of you hardworking WordPress bloggers and bloggettes out there. I hope that all of you enjoy it and it brings a little laughter into your hectic day.)

WordPress, it’s fuckin’ creepy!

And I don’t mean just ordinary run of the mill creepy, I mean, Anthony Perkins slices and dices the beautiful and talented Janet Leigh in the Bates Motel shower Psycho creepy!

Hey WordPress Bloggers and Bloggettes, have you ever noticed that when you have posted 100 blog posts on your blog, or perhaps less, afterwards you start getting an update from the WordPress Goal Meter on your progress?

For example, after you have uploaded your latest post you will see a message afterwards saying something along the lines of “Congratulations! You have just posted your 100th blog post on WordPress!” Then off to the left side of your computer, the WordPress Goal Meter will say something like “4 posts to go 105 blog posts!” And once you have completed your 105th blog post, the WordPress Goal Meter will say something along the lines of “Congratulations! You have reached your goal of 105 blog posts!” Then the WordPress Goal Meter will then say something like “New Goal: 5 posts to go to 110 blog posts!”

I mean, WTF?

And why does the WordPress Goal Meter only measures a WordPress Blogger’s blog posting goals in blocks of five? I mean what’s up with that shit? (That’s numeric discrimination, buddy!)

WordPress, you guys and dolls, know that I love you but I have something to say to your WordPress Goal Meter.

Hey buddy, butt out!

Let us WordPress Bloggers set our own damn goals! I mean what are we, babies!

And WordPress Goal Meter, what if we bloggers don’t want to set our blog posting goals in blocks of five what if we want to set them in blocks of 2 or blocks of 7 or simply don’t want to set blog posting goals at all. Don’t we have that right? Hey WordPress Goal Meter, haven’t you ever heard of the constitution buddy?

WordPress Goal Meter please do us WordPress Bloggers a favor and seek some psychiatric help for your “God Complex” because buddy you sure need it!

And another thing WordPress Goal Meter, who the hell even asked for your help anyway? I mean, did you get a phone call from WordPress Blogger, Tina “Knowledgeable” Peden asking you to set blog posting goals for me? I think not, buddy!

I mean dude, what am I, 9 years old? WordPress Goal Meter, i’ll have you know that I am a 43 year old woman who pays her own bills and takes care of her responsibilities and obligations and I really don’t need you buttin’ in and telling me what my goals in life should be!

How dare you!

WordPress Goal Meter, I don’t know you! In the future I might suggest that you at least introduce yourself to WordPress Bloggers and get to know them for awhile before you start trying to run their lives like setting goals for them that you think they should complete! Hey that’s just common sense right there, buddy!

WordPress Goal Meter, let me break it down to you, YOU ARE NOT MY MOMMY, MY DADDY, A RELATIVE, A FRIEND, A CHILD OF MINE, A BOYFRIEND, ONE OF MY FORMER GRADE SCHOOL TEACHERS OR MY HUSBAND! WordPress Goal Meter, there ain’t no ring of yours on my finger, buddy!

Hell dude you ain’t even a one-night stand and you’re trying to tell me what to do! WordPress Goal Meter in the immortal words of kick-ass pop singer, Janet Jackson, sexually, “What Have You Done For Me Lately?” And my response to that is, “Not a damn thing!” So butt out, buddy!

In closing, in the future WordPress Goal Meter, I would really appreciate it if you would let me WordPress Blogger, Tina “Knowledgeable” Peden set my own goals. I think that I have earned that right.

After all, this is the United States of America, land of free will! WordPress Goal Meter instead of buttin’ into the lives of WordPress Bloggers try taking up a hobby or something like tennis or needlepoint.

In essense, get a life of your own WordPress Goal Meter!

Gee whiz!

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MY HEROES HAVE ALWAYS BEEN COWBOYS BECAUSE…..


My heroes have always been cowboys because they like to use their spurs as sex toys!

Yee-haw!

P.S. God Bless America and Kinky Cowboys!

And for all of you cowboy lovers out there, below are the lyrics to Willie Nelson’s kick-ass country song, My Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys!

I grew up a-dreamin’ of bein’ a cowboy,
and Lovin’ the cowboy ways.
Pursuin’ the life of my high-ridin’ heroes,
I burned up my childhood days.
I learned of all the rules of the modern-day drifter,
Don’t you hold on to nothin’ too long.
Just take what you need from the ladies, then leave them,
With the words of a sad country song.
My heroes have always been cowboys.
And they still are, it seems.
Sadly, in search of, but one step in back of,
Themselves and their slow-movin’ dreams.

Cowboys are special with their own brand of misery,
From being alone too long.
You could die from the cold in the arms of a nightman,
Knowin’ well that your best days are gone.
Pickin’ up hookers instead of my pen,
I let the words of my years fade away.
Old worn-out saddles, and ‘old worn-out memories,
With no one and no place to stay.

My heroes have always been cowboys.
And they still are, it seems.
Sadly, in search of, but one step in back of,
Themselves and their slow-movin’ dreams.

Sadly, in search of, but one step in back of,
Themselves and their slow-movin’ dreams.

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