Posts tagged Penis

TWO OF MRS. CLAUS’ NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS FOR 2013!


(Mrs. Claus’ New Year’s Resolution 1!)
-Offer to perform 69 with Santa in lieu of having to sing 1 more goddamn’ Christmas carol to 666 snot-nosed fucking brats on Christmas eve.

AND

(Mrs. Claus’ New Year’s Resolution 2!)
-Use my hot cross buns vibrator with the frankincense & myrrh clitoral stimulator only during Lent so that way I won’t have to give up “meat” altogether because lord knows I ain’t gettin’ any from Santa.

ANYHOO, MERRY CHRISTMAS & HAPPY NEW YEAR, FOLKS!

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THE TOP 10 THINGS TO AVOID DOING IF YOU WANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY AS A PROFESSIONAL RAPPER!


10. Avoid having your prep school buddies tell back in the day stories about you.

9. Avoid having talking parrots named “Peepsta” talk shit about you behind your back.

8. Avoid having a one-name professional stage name like Bret, Kippy or Witherspoon.

7. Avoid having white people walk beside you at daytime instead of moving across the street.

6. Avoid having respected rappers like Ice-T, Dr. Dre or Snoop Dogg diss you in a rap song.

5. Avoid starring in a lame-ass movie like “Are We There Yet” and star in a kick-ass tv show like “Law & Order SVU”. (Hey Ice Cube, I applaud the showing of a loving caring black father but overall the movie still sucked! Sorry brother, just telling it like it is! And Ice-T, I love the show and your cop character, Fin Tutuola! From rapping about killing cops to portraying one. You’ve come a long way, baby! In the good sense, of course.)

4. Avoid attending National Organization of Women rallies where you bust out rhymes like “Everybody let’s get this party started! So I want all of ya’ll to say strong confident woman, strong confident woman!” When a more appropriate professional rapper would have busted out a rhyme like “Everybody let’s get this party started! So I want all of ya’ll to say ho! Say ho ho ho ho!” (P.S. Professionalism goes a long way in the rap world!)

3. Avoid ripping off the names of kick-ass legendary actors like “Al Pacino” and going by a totally lame-ass variation of it like “Alpa Chino” in real life or in fictional kick-ass movies like Tropic Thunder. (P.S. This black female writer thinks that talented-ass white actor, Robert Downey Jr. did a totally kick-ass performance as black Sargeant Lincoln O’Siris in the kick-ass movie, Tropic Thunder!)

2. Avoid writing a song for use in real life or in a fictional movie like Tropic Thunder where you repeatedly say, “I love the pussy! Hell yeah! I love the pussy! Hell yeah!” When you clearly love the penis. More specifically former N’Sync boy band member and passable actor, Lance Bass’ penis! (Ewww, gross!)

1. Avoid having a totally talented-ass but scary-ass especially when it comes to his ex-wife, Kim, white rapper like Eminem (a.k.a. Marshall Mathers) give you any kind of praise whatsoever! (P.S. Eminem may be a totally talented-ass scary-ass multi-million dollar numerous number one songs rapper but he is a totally talented-ass scary-ass multi-million dollar numerous number one songs WHITE rapper which to the world of rap which is predominantly BLACK is a total negative. God Bless Rap In America And God Please Eliminate Reverse Racism In America!)

WARNING & SPECIAL NOTE: If you are a BLACK rapper who either is from Stamford Connecticut or has parents with white collar jobs avoid going into rap at all because you’ll never be taken seriously and will be constantly dissed for not being poor or not growing up in a bad neighborhood! But if you are black rappers in the above situations who absolutely insist on going into rap because it is your God given right, then perhaps take a play out of the Black But Totally Middle Class Will Smith Play Book and rap only about things that you know like “Parents Just Don’t Understand” Middle Class Stuff. And in your case black rappers from Stamford Connecticut or whose parents have white collar jobs try rapping about your country club woes or which college should I go to in the fall woes and the rap world just may accept and only snicker a little at you.

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TINA KNOWLEDGEABLE PEDEN’S DATING TIPS FOR MEN! (TIP 1) THIS ONE IS FOR MY NO NONSENSE BOYS!


Hey No Nonsense Guys, if during the course of your date the female that you are out with takes a bad spill due to the 10 inch stilleto heels that she is wearing, No Nonsense Guys do the right thing and help her ass up!

I know that this may be difficult for a No Nonsense Guy to do because your logical reasoning is that your female companion claimed previously to you before you asked her out on a date that she was a strong intelligent millenium woman and you feel strongly that you would be going against her wishes by helping her ass up because any strong intelligent millenium woman would have common sense enough to know not to step foot (pun intended) out of the damn house in a pair of 10 inch stilleto heels in the first damn place especially on a first date! I mean, what the fuck! What is this? The damn seventies! I mean, platform shoes are out baby girl!

No Nonsense Guys, I know that you think your female companion knew the damn risks when she put the 10 inch stilleto shoes on and her strong intelligent millenium ass knew damn well that it was more than probable during the course of the date that she would eventually either fall flat on her ass or face down kissin’ pavement thereby looking all stupid and shit in front of you and all of the other people in the establishment that you are a patron at. The shit was just fucking inevitable! So since she is a strong intelligent millenium woman she absolutely must take responsiblility for her own stupid-ass actions and she is also absolutely capable of scraping her own ass off of the floor and she absolutely doesn’t need you to help her do it being that she is a strong intelligent millenium woman.

No Nonsense Guys, I will concede that you have made several excellent points! I give you props for that HOWEVER no matter how much in your heart and soul that you think that it was entirely your date’s fault that she took a bad spill due to her own stupidity and she got exactly what she deserved by being totally stupid ass by wearing 10 inch stilleto heel shoes on your date, PLEASE GIVE HER A DAMN BREAK! (And to all of my 10 inch stilleto heel shoe wearing girls, no pun intended gurrrl, I really hope that you girls are okay and didn’t break any bones or anything!)

Anyhoo, movin’ on!

No Nonsense Guys, let me clue your rigid minds to the fact that your female companion only wore those stupid ass 10 inch stilleto shoes for your ass to entice you into noticing how sexy and beguiling her legs and feet are and how good those sexy legs and feet would look wrapped around your rigid-minded ass when you “do the nasty” later on so basically No Nonsense Guys by not helping your date’s ass up after she takes a bad spill in 10 inch stilleto heel shoes that she wore expressly for you, you are ruining your chances of “hittin’ that” or “gettin’ some” from your date later on which is incredibly stupid!

No Nonsense Guys, do the right and gentlemenly thing for your date, yourself and your penis by helping your date up after she falls on her ass or flat on her fucking face due to the 10 inch stilleto heel shoes that she was wearing for you.

Also give her another chance to prove to you that she truly is a strong intelligent millenium woman and not a total MO-ron for wearing 10 inch stilleto heel shoes on your date. (And by the by, I love the seventies and platform shoes! They totally rocked the boat and didn’t tip the boat or your date over! P.S. I love you Hues Corporation!)

Remember, No Nonsense Guys, your date is simply an innocent woman with stupid-ass retro judgment who simply wanted to look sexy for you on your date so that she could get into your pants later. No biggie! Please give her another chance!

But for all of my No Nonsense Guys who still are on the fence about whether to help your date’s ass up after she takes a bad spill due to the 10 inch stiletto heel shoes that she’s wearing because you don’t want to be an ENABLER! Dudes, get a damn life and get the fuck off of that high horse that you are on and you might also want to take that big-ass stick shoved up your ass too!

No Nonsense Guys, you are going to get some poontang later which is something most normal heterosexual guys want at the end of their dates! Especially on a first date! So stop being a total fucking MO-ron yourself and help your date up off of her ass or face when she takes a bad spill due to wearing 10 inch stiletto heel shoes on your date!

Geez!

Is chivalry truly dead in the millenium?

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HOW HOLLYWOOD IS STILL FICKLE ABOUT SHOWING A GUY’S PICKLE!


Here is an article that I wrote and put on Instablogs in June 2008 and i’m sad to report almost four years later not much has changed.

Back in the day when a crew was shooting a porno and a guy’s penis was exposed you could immediately hear the word “pickle” shouted from every rooftop until that shot was erased.

With movies like “9 1/2 Weeks”and tv shows like “Sex and the City” shattering taboos on human sexuality there is one thing that has unfortunately remained unchanged.

And that’s Hollywood’s refusal to show “pickle” in mainstream Rated “R” movies.

And as a 38 heterosexual Black Female, I gotta’ say that’s a damn shame!

I mean, oh sure, we gotta’ glimpse of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s “pickle” in the first “Terminator” movie and we got to see Richard Gere’s “pickle” in “American Gigolo” and thank you God, we got to see a snippet of Denzel Washington’s “pickle” in the movie, “Ricochet” but basically other than a scattering you really see little “pickle” in mainstream Rated “R” movies.

Which is the biggest hypocritical double standard in Hollywood because in alot of mainstream movies including PG-13 movies you see every part of a woman’s anatomy including her vajayjay.

I wonder when will this double standard stop!

When will the predominantly male studio heads stop being so stupid and show more “pickle!” I mean it’s not like we’re asking to see theirs!

NOTE: WOMEN ARE NOT PERVERTS BECAUSE THEY WANT TO SEE SOME “PICKLE” EVERY NOW AND THEN! WE’RE HUMAN!

If the truth be told, if you ask the average woman, i’ll bet she wouldn’t mind seeing more “pickle” in main stream Rated “R” movies.

I mean why do women basically have to rent a porno to see some “pickle?”

Hey Hollywood, stop the insanity and give women what they really want which is equality in nudity among the sexes in the mainstream motion picture industry.

PLEASE!

Hey ladies, one day in the mainstream motion picture industry we will overcome too!

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TINA “KNOWLEDGEABLE” PEDEN’S WACKY-ASS BUSINESS IDEAS & VENTURES! (LIGHTBULB 1)


Hey venture capitalists, if you dare, check out my unique business idea below!

NAME OF HEALTH CLUB CHAIN:
The Red-Blooded American Male Gentlemen’s Club!

SLOGAN(S):
“The only health club for men in America where a man can get a good workout, a good stiff drink and a good ol’ fashioned lap dance that will probably cause one of his organs to become stiff all under the same roof!”

“Erotic physical fitness for today’s hot-blooded American male!”

BUSINESS SUMMARY:
Venture capitalist can open up a nationwide chain of health clubs for men ONLY in major cities like New York City, Los Angeles, Chicago, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Denver, Phoenix, St. Louis, Dallas et cetera with all of the amenities that a normal health club offers but with one unique amenity, lap dances.

ADVERTISEMENT/PROMOTION:
This is easy breezy! Any advertising copy with the words “lap dance” in it or a photograph of a beautiful girl doing a lap dance aimed at red-blooded american males should do the trick. Also coupons can be utilized vigorously! For example, a free two week membership to the club which includes a complimentary lap dance could be offered then all the venture capitalist has to do is sit back and watch the word-of-mouth advertising and paid memberships come pouring in!

NAME OF THE UNIQUE HEALTH CLUB CHAIN AMENITY:
A Healthy Lap Dance!

(DEFINITION) WHAT EXACTLY IS “A HEALTHY LAP DANCE?”
A series of aerobic/athletic dance moves performed by an “e” or “v” girl either on the client’s lap or a few feet in front of him after his regular workout for the express purpose of raising the blood level in the client’s penis thereby giving his lucky-ass an additional workout and making him feel oh so good all over especially in the dick area!

NAME OF THE GIRLS WHO PERFORM THE LAP DANCES:
“E” Girl! (A woman who has had sexual experience.)
“V” Girl! (A woman who has had no sexual experience or is a virgin.)
(Like Superman or Laverne from the tv show, Laverne and Shirley, each girl can wear a letter on her clothing to distinguish which she is.)

TYPES OF GIRLS:
Girls selected should be of all races, different ages, various heights, weights and measurements. (There should be a girl for every client’s tastes who comes into the health club.) All girls must be in good health and be excellent dancers and be adept at learning new moves and routines.

RE: THE LAP DANCES
The plug or ultimate reason why guys should come to this health club over every other should be the lap dances. Fresh, exciting and titillating dance routines accompanied with sexy leotards, short shorts and other unique workout clothing should really pack a punch!

RE: THE MUSIC
The music should set the pace for each lap dance! Any and every style of music can be played while the “e” or “v” girls perform their routines but the song that MUST be played on the first lap dance of the day is the song, “Music” by Madonna. This song really gets the party going! And here are a couple of other songs that your “v” or “e” girls might want to consider performing to:

-Do It Till Your Satisfied by B.T. Express
-Sweat by C&C Music Factory
-Physical by Olivia Newton John
-Kung Fu Fighting by Carl Douglas
-Get It On Bang A Gong by The Power Station
-Like A Virgin by Madonna (or basically any song by Madonna will do.)

MAJOR SUGGESTION(S): Early on a signature dance or routine should be established for the health club to get the buzz going! One of the venture capitalist’s first moves in getting this venture off of the ground should be to hire a kick-ass choreographer asap!

For those clients who are still kinky-ass kids at heart, choreographer’s try coming up with a fun dance routine to the above mentioned song, Get It On Bang A Gong by The Power Station. The catch being all the dance moves performed for the client have to be performed on a “Twister” board. Do you remember the game, “Twister,” where approximately four people played and each one of them had to put one of their body parts on a certain colored circle? Wasn’t that fun! Oh God, I remember all of those tangled up body parts! And I bet you alot of red-blooded American guys would love to see four beautiful girls in sexy aerobic outfits performing a kick-ass, tangled up-ass routine on a “Twister” board and on their laps too! I mean it’s just what the doctor ordered after a good workout!

SUGGESTED HEALTH CLUB AMENITIES SHOULD INCLUDE: -Gym/Workout Area
-Weight/Nautilus Area
-Shower/Bathtub/Locker Room Area
-Business Area (Internet, fax, phone, copier, etc.)
-Message/Steam Room Area
-Food & Drink Bar (Food should consist of healthy things like: fruits, veggies, or nuts and decadent things too like ice cream, french fries or chocolate. Drinks served can be anything from milk, bottled water, soda or an alcoholic drink like a screwdriver which is part vodka and part orange juice. Since the girls who do the lap dances are called either “e” or “v” girls you can apply this terminology to the drinks too. You can serve “v” drinks or virgin drinks that contain no alcohol. You can also serve “e” drinks or experienced drinks that contain alcohol. If you do serve alcoholic drinks have the client sign a waiver of liablility or responsiblilty in case of an accident or limit the number of alcoholic drinks per day that a client can have at the club. Also for the red-blooded male with a raunchy sense of humor, “suggestive” snacks like “nuts,” “balls,” a long celery or carrot stick stuck in the middle of a mound of dip can represent an erect dick surrounded by a puddle of cum, two scoops of ice cream with chocolate chips on top can represent tits and nipples, banana bread cut into a triangle with squiggly black frosting on top can represent the pussy and pubic hair. Let’s face it, “suggestive” snacks are fun and big sellers especially after a long tiring workout!)
-Cooling Off/Lay Dreaming Center (A cool and calming room/place that men can go to sit or lay down and relax or dream after they have had their healthy lap dance. Cold drinks should be allowed in this area.)
-Gift Shop
-Candy Store (For those clients who will always be true kids at heart or for those clients who are down right kinky baby, items such as licorice ropes to play s&m bondage games and pixy stix to pour and lick off their partner’s body and much much more can be sold as well.)
-Physician/Doctor’s Office (Onsite staff should include a doctor, nurse, certified or licensed nursing assistant, medical secretary. There should always be a doctor or nurse in each club because you never know exactly how a lap dance by a hot girl will affect a man’s heart or other organs. So just to be safe and secure, always employ medical staff and have the client sign a waiver of liability or responsiblility.)
-Onsite Bouncer/Security Guards
-Gift Shop
-Photographer/Photo Shop (A roaming photographer can be hired to take pictures of guys getting lap dances and their family or friends reactions, etc. Photos can also be spontaneous or staged too.)
-Public/Private Restrooms
-Stage/Lap Dance Performance Area With Spotlight
-Private/Personal Lap Dance Rooms
-Lap Dance/Personal Dance
-In House DJ (Disc Jockey)
-Choreographer
-“E” and “V” Girls

SUGGESTED STAFF AMENITIES:
-Office/Workspace
-Public Restrooms
-Kitchen
-Lounges
-Dance Studio
-Storage Areas
-Conference Rooms

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THE LADIES SOME GUYS WILL SAY ANYTHING TO GET SOME PUSSY SONG!


WARNING!

Ladies, some guys will say anything to get some pussy!
Ladies, some guys will say anything to get some pussy!
To the legit,
To pure bullshit,
Ladies, here’s an example of this macho bullshit!

DUMB-ASS MALE SAYS:
“Hey baby! If we have sex tonight, you don’t even have to worry about gettin’ pregnant! You’re looking at the only man in the world who doesn’t have to wear a rubber! They call me Quick Draw Withdraw! Yee-haw! In a flash, I’ll pull my dick out of your pussy before I cum!”

STUNNED SMART-ASS FEMALE SAYS:
Now that line was just plain dumb!
You low-down dirty bum!
So to punish you.
Yes, punish you!
For only thinking of you.
And for only thinking with your shriveled-up woo-woo! (i.e. little dick)
This girls says:
No pussy!
No pussy!
No pussy for you!

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