Posts tagged Pop Culture


(Verse 1)

-Marshmallow peep this out,
-Fly-ass brother with Wookiee to the rescue in interstellar route!


-So, brothers & sisters, raise your glasses high, but not before you give me five, four times,
-For the almighty, Star Wars & Colt 45!

(Verse 2)

-On film his name is Lando Calrissian and he don’t dig no carbonite freeze,
-And in real life his name is Billy Dee Williams and when it comes to the ladies he ain’t scared of no competition, negro please!


-So, brothers & sisters, raise your glasses high, but not before you give me five, four times,
-For the almighty, Star Wars & Colt 45!

(Verse 3)

-When Matthew McConaughey says, “Alright, Alright, Alright” all Dazed & Confused like, quite frankly it sounds quite rad,
-But when Billy Dee Williams says, “Alright, Alright, Alright” all up in the Star Wars Empire Strikes Back galaxy he takes that shizit to another level that is bow down bitches, superbad!


-So, brothers & sisters, raise your glasses high, but not before you give me five, four times,
-For the almighty, Star Wars & Colt 45!

(Verse 4)

-But of course, when the geniuses at Colt 45 decided to team up with the pretty-ass mustached brother whose favorite weapon of choice intergalactically is the holdout blaster,
-Bam, Colt 45 proved once and for all when it comes to marketing a product they are the undisputed master!


-So, brothers & sisters, raise your glasses high, but not before you give me five, four times,
-For the almighty, Star Wars & Colt 45!

(Verse 5)

-Open your eyes and recognize that Colt 45 made ground breaking history by having Billy Dee Williams in their commercials, y’all Colt 45 boldly told the malt liquor industry to wake the hell up Rip Van Winkle,
-And alot of people in kind responded with a whole lotta’ foldable green crinkle and silver and copper tinkle!


-So, brothers & sisters, raise your glasses high, but not before you give me five, four times,
-For the almighty, Star Wars & Colt 45!

(Verse 6)

-So, Star Wars & Colt 45!
-Ladies sure as hell won’t be singin’ no blues!
-And Gentlemen sure as hell won’t be seein’ Mahogany red!
-Cause’ baby instead ……………
-We all will be saluting you for being smart enough to hire Billy Dee!
-And for that Star Wars & Colt 45, let us give you five, four times and forever thank the hell out of thee and the entire galaxy!


-So, brothers & sisters, raise your glasses high, one last time, but not before you give me five, four times,
-For the almighty, Star Wars, Billy Dee Williams & Colt 45!


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-Why do people who call themselves fashion experts always dress so badly?
-Why is it that even when you are careful you still spill stuff on your clean clothes?
-Why does the mailman always deliver important packages to you when you are gone?
-Why do parents say “i’m doing this because I love you” right before they punish you?
-Why is it that when you really want a cold drink there is only one ice cube in the ice tray?
-Why is it that whenever you are watching something good on tv the phone rings?
-Why is it that when you have to poop in a public place someone is always around?
-Why must Hollywood remake kick-ass old movies into crappy-ass bad ones? 

-Question, questions in my mind,
-I sometimes ponder them all the time,
-Seeking ways on how to solve them,
-But if I cant, no biggie, no real sin,
-But if I can, I really do feel that I win,
-So bring it on questions, i’m smart, kingpin,
-Perplextion to reflection, questions, let the mind games begin! 

-Why does your menstrual period always come down when you are wearing white clothing? 
-Why can’t there be more clever word play in songs like “Don’t it make my brown eyes blue?” 
-Why didn’t any of the skanks on Sex and the City get HIV as much as they screwed around? 
-Why do kids prefer a flat-ass McDonald’s hamburger to a big-ass hamburger made by their mom? 
-Why do killers in tv shows and movies always walk slowly while the victim hauls serious ass?  
-Why is it that people like Rob Kardashian with business degrees can’t get a real job? 
-Why do cats lick their nasty-ass saliva all over their bodies then declare themselves to be clean? 
-Why does the biggest Christmas shopping day of the year keep getting pushed forward? 

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(Definition) Frigidaire Hemorrhage is a sudden bursting of a blood vessel due to extreme anger over an inconsiderate or lazy-ass family member putting an almost empty ice tray back into the refrigerator. Although this condition has the possibility to become fatal if not treated it can often be avoided by simply filling up the DAMN ice tray with water, lemonade, Pepsi, gin & tonic or any other liquid substance but preferably water when it’s empty before putting it back into the DAMN refrigerator!

I will now use this term in a couple of sentences to clarify it’s meaning.

“After Maggie O’Gutsery was released from St. Patrick’s Day Memorial Hunter Green Hospital after an almost fatal Frigidaire Hemorrhage against doctor’s and her clergyman’s orders she hightailed it down to Pat O’Shalley’s Restaurant & Tavern and ordered a big-ass bloody mary filled with 11 cubes of ice from a 12 cube ice tray to calm her nerves before she went home to deal with her soon to be ex-husband.”

“Grandma Jackson happily ignored the Frigidaire Hemorrhage-like looks that her usually loving family gave her that night when she used up almost 15 trays of ice cubes to cool down her smoking feet due to jumping on them all day because of her massive bingo win earlier that day.”

“Still recovering from a mild case of Frigidaire Hemorrhage, Jonah had his college’s mascot, Squirt the bulldog, piss all over his dad’s eighteen century antique one of a kind desk in retaliation for coming over the night before and using practically all of the ice cubes in his small-ass dormitory fridge for a minor head wound that he sustained in a car accident that night that almost killed him rendering Jonah unable to make his famous ultra cool mint melt in your mouth pencil dick shaped jello shots for the freshman that were pledging his fraternity later that night.”

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(Definition) Dissed to the Curb occurs to a person who after running and flailing their arms around like a maniac in a desperate attempt to get the bus driver of the bus that they really need to catch to stop and wait for them finally the bus driver sees them or is alerted to their presence by one or more of the passengers already on the bus but inspite of all of this the bus driver totally disses their ass and continues to drive away anyway.

I will now use this phrase in a couple of sentences to clarify its meaning.

“I’m sooo sad that that happily married for 25 years bus driver got fired for intentionally Dissing to the Curb those 25 Kristen Stewart fans for wearing those lame-ass t-shirts supporting her in her hour of grief due to her cheating on her boyfriend, Robert Pattinson.”

“The bus driver on Route 666D to Hellion Texas told the passengers on the bus in between fits of hysterical laughter that Sister Baptista of the Totally Bitchin’ Order of Angelic Nuns should have had her dogooder-ass up at the bus stop at 10:35 am instead of stopping to help give CPR to that dying elderly man that she encountered on the way to the bus stop then she wouldn’t have gotten Dissed to the Curb by him. In other words, it was her own damn fault!”

“Omigod, Thor! Did you hear that Hercules just got arrested for shoving one thousand bus stop signs up an innocent motorist’s ass simply because he was so pissed off for getting Dissed to the Curb this afternoon and missed his monthly washed-up superheroes meeting? Man, that dude needs some serious help and some serious work!”

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(Definition) A State Of The Union Address Bug Up The Ass is literally a nasty-ass fungus or infection that goes straight up into your butthole and eventually settles itself in your brain and drives you absolutely bonkers once a year due to your favorite tv show, movie, commercial, video or infommercial being preempted by the President’s Stupid Ol’ Annual State Of The Union Address because like the subject trigonometry that you learn in high school the information in the President’s Annual State Of The Union Address is something that most Americans will never use and this major inconvenience really pisses alot of Americans the fuck off.

I will now use this phrase in a sentence to clarify its meaning.

“Dude, stay the fuck away from Constance for the rest of the day because she’s not only got a major case of Baby Fever but she’s also got a wicked nasty State Of The Union Address Bug Up The Ass! Dude, you know how much her totally obsessed ass worships those Johnson’s Baby Shampoo commercials. Dude, if you know what’s good for you, you’ll stay the fuck away from her!”

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Oh, no,

Oh why did you have to go,

Folks, Friday, June 29th 2012 will mark the one year anniversary of the death of an industry giant, yo,

And for all of you folks not in the loop or in the know,

Former mail order giant, Columbia House Record Club quietly closed their dusty-ass cobwebbed doors, oh no baby, say it ain’t so,

Hey ya’ll here’s the 411 on a company who got kicked to the curb by Napster and was unable to make any dough,

For a down payment of a mere penny, 12 records or cassettes were shipped a few weeks later to an average joe,

And from the fifties to the nineties youngins all over the country like me got to shake their groove things, ho,

I personally received my 12 cassettes back in the 80’s consisting of Lionel Ritchie, Culture Club and Michael Jackson complete with his greasy-ass jheri curl fro,

And for many a year Columbia House was rollin’ in the deep makin’ them benjamins from head to toe,

But folks what goes up must also come down baby and for Columbia House they hit rock bottom, oh them bitches sunk low,

Napster, non-payments by club members and because of the high costs of hiring collection agencies to recoup their precious dough,

Columbia House Record Club folded faster than a house of cards and became a forgotten footnote in pop culture history bro,

Well at least until now yo,

Unfortunately it’s been 30 years since I stiffed you guys on the 12 cassettes so…

I wrote this song for you to try to make up for it so I hope this Columbia House Record Club will make us friends not foe,

Goodbye to you Columbia House Record Club you had a damn good ride and made one hell of a successful go,

Cheerio to you, my beautiful beau!

So damn sorry that I forgot about you before I could pay you what I owe!

P.S.    But Columbia House Record Club in my defense I was only 12 years old when I signed that contract and usually you have to be 18 years old to enter into a legal contract in the USA. Sorry!

And last but not least I would also like to take the time to say a proper goodbye to former superstar, Michael Jackson. Michael, it has been 3 years since your death and I still really miss you and the beautiful music that you would have made!

Thank you Columbia House Record Club for being the first company to truly introduce me to Michael Jackson’s music! I really appreciate it!

Rest in peace Michael Jackson and Columbia House Record Club!

I will truly miss the both of you!

It is truly the end of an era.

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(Definition) The Rubbing Alcohol Ruse is a devilishly clever code strategy that a sneaky-ass man or woman perpetrates by deliberately writing down the item, “rubbing alcohol” as a simple reminder to themselves to buy a large-ass quantity of liquor on their grocery lists in lieu of writing down the actual words vodka, Jim Beam, tequila, Jack Daniels or whatever the hell other spirit that the sneaky-ass man or woman wants to buy in order to cover their ass just in case any other pain-in-the-ass person in their life should see the grocery list such as a member of the clergy, the family doctor or a nosy-ass co-worker who’ll no doubt think that the sneaky-ass man or woman is a closeted alcoholic lush for buying so much booze and will no doubt joyfully spread this news to every Tom, Dick and Harry that they know or give communion wafers to thereby forcing the sneaky-ass man or woman to take the diabolic route to buying the intoxicants that they so desperately love.

I will now use this phrase in a sentence to clarify it’s meaning.



-Black Olives

-Lean Ground Beef


-Cheddar Cheese

-Sour Cream

-Taco Sauce

-Hard & Soft Taco Shells

-Rubbing Alcohol (Invisible i.e. all the liquor I need to make those lethal-ass grandpa margaritas)


-Tortilla Chips


Father Breckinmeyer, it was so good of you to stop by! And by the by, before you leave can you do me a favor and please hand me my grocery list that’s being held securely by that big ol’ happy face magnet on the refrigerator? You see Father, i’m making tacos for dinner tonight and I will simply be cross with myself if I forget a single item (i.e. the booze for the grandpa margaritas) on my grocery list.

(Innocent smile flashed to the priest by the perpetrator and a low-down dirty snicker that no man of the cloth could possibly hear! Oh God! Oh Jesus! Oh how I simply adore The Rubbing Alcohol Ruse! Another low-down dirty snicker!)

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