Posts tagged Pussy

THE TOP 10 THINGS TO AVOID DOING IF YOU WANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY AS A PROFESSIONAL RAPPER!


10. Avoid having your prep school buddies tell back in the day stories about you.

9. Avoid having talking parrots named “Peepsta” talk shit about you behind your back.

8. Avoid having a one-name professional stage name like Bret, Kippy or Witherspoon.

7. Avoid having white people walk beside you at daytime instead of moving across the street.

6. Avoid having respected rappers like Ice-T, Dr. Dre or Snoop Dogg diss you in a rap song.

5. Avoid starring in a lame-ass movie like “Are We There Yet” and star in a kick-ass tv show like “Law & Order SVU”. (Hey Ice Cube, I applaud the showing of a loving caring black father but overall the movie still sucked! Sorry brother, just telling it like it is! And Ice-T, I love the show and your cop character, Fin Tutuola! From rapping about killing cops to portraying one. You’ve come a long way, baby! In the good sense, of course.)

4. Avoid attending National Organization of Women rallies where you bust out rhymes like “Everybody let’s get this party started! So I want all of ya’ll to say strong confident woman, strong confident woman!” When a more appropriate professional rapper would have busted out a rhyme like “Everybody let’s get this party started! So I want all of ya’ll to say ho! Say ho ho ho ho!” (P.S. Professionalism goes a long way in the rap world!)

3. Avoid ripping off the names of kick-ass legendary actors like “Al Pacino” and going by a totally lame-ass variation of it like “Alpa Chino” in real life or in fictional kick-ass movies like Tropic Thunder. (P.S. This black female writer thinks that talented-ass white actor, Robert Downey Jr. did a totally kick-ass performance as black Sargeant Lincoln O’Siris in the kick-ass movie, Tropic Thunder!)

2. Avoid writing a song for use in real life or in a fictional movie like Tropic Thunder where you repeatedly say, “I love the pussy! Hell yeah! I love the pussy! Hell yeah!” When you clearly love the penis. More specifically former N’Sync boy band member and passable actor, Lance Bass’ penis! (Ewww, gross!)

1. Avoid having a totally talented-ass but scary-ass especially when it comes to his ex-wife, Kim, white rapper like Eminem (a.k.a. Marshall Mathers) give you any kind of praise whatsoever! (P.S. Eminem may be a totally talented-ass scary-ass multi-million dollar numerous number one songs rapper but he is a totally talented-ass scary-ass multi-million dollar numerous number one songs WHITE rapper which to the world of rap which is predominantly BLACK is a total negative. God Bless Rap In America And God Please Eliminate Reverse Racism In America!)

WARNING & SPECIAL NOTE: If you are a BLACK rapper who either is from Stamford Connecticut or has parents with white collar jobs avoid going into rap at all because you’ll never be taken seriously and will be constantly dissed for not being poor or not growing up in a bad neighborhood! But if you are black rappers in the above situations who absolutely insist on going into rap because it is your God given right, then perhaps take a play out of the Black But Totally Middle Class Will Smith Play Book and rap only about things that you know like “Parents Just Don’t Understand” Middle Class Stuff. And in your case black rappers from Stamford Connecticut or whose parents have white collar jobs try rapping about your country club woes or which college should I go to in the fall woes and the rap world just may accept and only snicker a little at you.

Leave a comment »

TINA KNOWLEDGEABLE PEDEN’S SEX & FOOD GUIDE! (VOLUME 2)


Hey guys, bisexual gals or straight up lesbians, if you wake up one morning and decide to have some super cinnamon toast for breakfast or in sex terms, a life sized inflatable black female doll slathered from head to toe with warm butter, cinnamon and sugar and are ready to chow down on it but all of a sudden the doll bursts and starts to deflate, take my knowledgeable advice and don’t get your panties or any other organ into a wad, simply turn a bitter lemon into sweet lemonade meaning instead of having yummy super cinnamon toast for your breakfast have yummy super cinnamon flat ass pancakes instead. As Campbell Soup and inflatable doll aficionados say, “Mmmm, mmmm good!”

KNOWLEDGEABLE TIP:   Remember people, when it comes to good yummy sex one must do as the successful comedians do: Improvise, improvise, improvise! In sex terms, Improvisation and The Second City Comedy Club in Chicago totally rules!

Leave a comment »

TINA KNOWLEDGEABLE PEDEN’S SEX & FOOD GUIDE! (VOLUME 1)


For all of you nasty ass boys and gals or nasty ass gals and gals out there who love sex that hurts so good try the poppin’ ass cherry! Heteros and lesbos after some long-ass foreplay simply pop a package or two of cherry pop rocks up your lady’s snatch, put an ear up to it then once you hear that pussy go snap crackle pop then fellas insert that hot dick of yours or lesbos insert that hot dildo of yours into your lady’s poppin’ ass cherry pussy and get to pop pop poppin’ off yourself! Hey fellas and lesbos, after poppin’ off that dick or dildo in your lady’s pussy, ease your dick or dildo out then insert that poppin’ ass cherry dick or dildo into her ass and pop pop pop off in there too! And as a literal cherry on top – fellas and lesbos once you are finished poppin’ off in your lady’s pussy and ass take that cherry flavored dick or dildo out and when it comes to the secretions and cum left on that dick or dildo, do as Winona Ryder in the kick-ass 80’s cult movie classic, ‘Heathers’ says, “Lick it up baby! Lick it up!” In sex terms, couples when it comes to the poppin’ ass cherry every woman no matter how fucking experienced she is sexually can be pure as the driven snow again when it comes to this sexual technique.

KNOWLEDGEABLE TIP:   Hey couples, if your partner is an olympic secretor, then sop up some of that wet sticky cherry cum and put it into a tupperware container and refrigerate it then pop it out at least thirty minutes before your next sexual encounter and use it as homemade lubricant. Remember, in this economy even when it comes to sex, waste not want not baby! Waste not want not!

Leave a comment »

TINA KNOWLEDGEABLE PEDEN’S DATING TIPS FOR MEN! (TIP 1) THIS ONE IS FOR MY NO NONSENSE BOYS!


Hey No Nonsense Guys, if during the course of your date the female that you are out with takes a bad spill due to the 10 inch stilleto heels that she is wearing, No Nonsense Guys do the right thing and help her ass up!

I know that this may be difficult for a No Nonsense Guy to do because your logical reasoning is that your female companion claimed previously to you before you asked her out on a date that she was a strong intelligent millenium woman and you feel strongly that you would be going against her wishes by helping her ass up because any strong intelligent millenium woman would have common sense enough to know not to step foot (pun intended) out of the damn house in a pair of 10 inch stilleto heels in the first damn place especially on a first date! I mean, what the fuck! What is this? The damn seventies! I mean, platform shoes are out baby girl!

No Nonsense Guys, I know that you think your female companion knew the damn risks when she put the 10 inch stilleto shoes on and her strong intelligent millenium ass knew damn well that it was more than probable during the course of the date that she would eventually either fall flat on her ass or face down kissin’ pavement thereby looking all stupid and shit in front of you and all of the other people in the establishment that you are a patron at. The shit was just fucking inevitable! So since she is a strong intelligent millenium woman she absolutely must take responsiblility for her own stupid-ass actions and she is also absolutely capable of scraping her own ass off of the floor and she absolutely doesn’t need you to help her do it being that she is a strong intelligent millenium woman.

No Nonsense Guys, I will concede that you have made several excellent points! I give you props for that HOWEVER no matter how much in your heart and soul that you think that it was entirely your date’s fault that she took a bad spill due to her own stupidity and she got exactly what she deserved by being totally stupid ass by wearing 10 inch stilleto heel shoes on your date, PLEASE GIVE HER A DAMN BREAK! (And to all of my 10 inch stilleto heel shoe wearing girls, no pun intended gurrrl, I really hope that you girls are okay and didn’t break any bones or anything!)

Anyhoo, movin’ on!

No Nonsense Guys, let me clue your rigid minds to the fact that your female companion only wore those stupid ass 10 inch stilleto shoes for your ass to entice you into noticing how sexy and beguiling her legs and feet are and how good those sexy legs and feet would look wrapped around your rigid-minded ass when you “do the nasty” later on so basically No Nonsense Guys by not helping your date’s ass up after she takes a bad spill in 10 inch stilleto heel shoes that she wore expressly for you, you are ruining your chances of “hittin’ that” or “gettin’ some” from your date later on which is incredibly stupid!

No Nonsense Guys, do the right and gentlemenly thing for your date, yourself and your penis by helping your date up after she falls on her ass or flat on her fucking face due to the 10 inch stilleto heel shoes that she was wearing for you.

Also give her another chance to prove to you that she truly is a strong intelligent millenium woman and not a total MO-ron for wearing 10 inch stilleto heel shoes on your date. (And by the by, I love the seventies and platform shoes! They totally rocked the boat and didn’t tip the boat or your date over! P.S. I love you Hues Corporation!)

Remember, No Nonsense Guys, your date is simply an innocent woman with stupid-ass retro judgment who simply wanted to look sexy for you on your date so that she could get into your pants later. No biggie! Please give her another chance!

But for all of my No Nonsense Guys who still are on the fence about whether to help your date’s ass up after she takes a bad spill due to the 10 inch stiletto heel shoes that she’s wearing because you don’t want to be an ENABLER! Dudes, get a damn life and get the fuck off of that high horse that you are on and you might also want to take that big-ass stick shoved up your ass too!

No Nonsense Guys, you are going to get some poontang later which is something most normal heterosexual guys want at the end of their dates! Especially on a first date! So stop being a total fucking MO-ron yourself and help your date up off of her ass or face when she takes a bad spill due to wearing 10 inch stiletto heel shoes on your date!

Geez!

Is chivalry truly dead in the millenium?

Leave a comment »

6 REASONS WHY WOMEN SHOULD DO THE NASTY DURING THEIR MENSTRUAL PERIODS!


Usually when most women think about having sex during their menstual periods the word, “gross” immediately springs to mind. But let me tell you something my fellow maidens that extremely creative women like me already know and that is a woman can have the best damn sex of her life while she’s ridin’ the crimson wave! And here are a few examples, my fellow maidens.

1. If you have sex on your menstrual period and ruin the bed sheets, couch cushions, carpeting on the floor or the brand new red and white checkered table cloth that your mother-in-law bought you at Walmart for $12.99 the good news is that you have the perfect excuse to go on a shopping spree! And oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, how us girls loves us some shopping spree! Hooray!

2. My fellow maidens let’s face it, guys love two things when it comes to sex. First they like it “red hot” and second they like it “wet!” So by having sex on your menstrual period your guy gets a kick-ass 2 for 1 deal. Since menstrual blood is red and the vagina is usually hot, you’re giving that lucky bastard exactly what he wants! And let’s face it fellow maidens, what guy wants to stick his hot prick all up into a dry-ass hole, B-O-R-I-N-G! Maidens, since menstrual blood is wet, again your giving that lucky bastard what he wants, a slick-ass hole that he can ease on down ease on down the road into.

3. For all of those prim and proper maidens out there whose sex lives have become extremely “vanilla” and it’s driving them fucking crazy, doin’ the nasty on your menstrual period can break you out of that boring gelatin mold that you are stuck in. Maidens, experimentation and getting a little freaky deaky when it comes to sex can bring a couple even closer together which is something most women want.

4. If you are one of those maidens that lives in a dump or shitty-ass house or apartment due to low finances, attending college or you simply are into slumming just think how happy you’re gonna’ make some of the bed bugs in your crappy crib by gettin’ busy with your man while your on your menstual period since those sons of bitches can live for a year off a single drop of blood! Just think you’re not only gonna’ score mad points from the constantly discriminated bed bug community but from PETA as well! You go humanitarian, girl!

5. To some guys a “I don’t give a fuck attitude” can be a real turn on! So by having sex during your menstual period you are basically showing your man that he ain’t no damn inconvenience and there ain’t no shame to your game. Meaning: You’ve had sex together in the past with your man and you have cleaned up a shitload of his sperm and gallons and gallons of your own pussy juice so cleaning up a few pints of menstrual blood after sex is no big deal. And maidens, guys who love gals with “I don’t give a fuck attitudes” are gonna’ love you for your free nasty-ass spirit!

6. Fuck roses, chocolates and romantic poems! What better way to declare your love for your man by fucking his brains out on your menstrual period to Leona Lewis’ hit song, “Bleeding Love!” Let’s face it maidens, nothing says “I love you” more than this.

So maidens, my advice to you is to: DO IT, DO IT, DO IT TILL YOUR SATISFIED, even if it is during your monthly menstrual period!

After all, who the fuck cares!

Go for it!

Comments (1) »

TINA “KNOWLEDGEABLE” PEDEN’S GREETING CARDS IN BLOG POST! (GREETING CARD 6)


Hey fellas, here is an imaginary get well greeting card that is sure to make you feel better if you’re feeling under the weather.
(Guys, use your imagination! Picture this…….)
Name of imaginary greeting card:
Hoo-Ha Pie
Script Text:
(Pretty girl is in a blank setting then says in a sexy but sympathetic way)
“Poor baby, I heard that you weren’t feeling so well, so I decided to do something to make you feel a whole lot better.”
(Pretty girl is now in a kitchen setting)
“Honey, I stopped by the grocery store and picked you up (pretty girl holds up each item) some chicken soup, crackers, orange juice, vitamin c and a can of whipped cream so that I can make you my extra special “get well” dessert.”
(Pretty girl smiles coyly and holds on to the can of whipped cream)
(A recipe card for Hoo-Ha Pie now appears on the screen)
Hoo-Ha Pie
Ingredients:
1 can of whipped cream
1 Hoo-Ha
(Camera pans down to a close up of the pretty girl wearing sexy underwear, basically a crotch shot)
(Camera then slowly moves upward to the pretty girl’s face)
“Let me show you how to make it. (Pretty girl demonstrates) Spray whipped cream liberally on the hoo-ha area, then eat and enjoy!”
“And honey, remember that Hoo-Ha Pie is best served hot!”
(Pretty girl winks at camera)
“Bye, hope that this made you feel better.”
(Pretty girl then says in sweet voice)
(PUNCHLINE)
“And incidentally if it didn’t…………..”
(Short pause)
(Pretty girl then says in a loud fake joking voice)
“Screw you, sucka’! You deserve to be in pain!”
(Pretty girl returns to the sweet voice)
“Bye, sweetie.”
(Pretty girl waves goodbye)
(End of imaginary greeting card)

Leave a comment »

HERE IS A POEM THAT I WROTE ESPECIALLY FOR CAT LOVERS AND…. OH YEAH, THOSE PEOPLE WHO LIKE TO MASTERBATE!


And it goes a little something like this!

My cat just caught me masterbating!

Oh, it was so fucking embarrassing and extremely degrading!

I mean, one day I woke up so horny that I didn’t feel like waiting for my boyfriend, John,

So I took out my pink jelly rabbit vibrator and decided to get it the hell on!

I turned on some music then stripped off all of my clothes until I was butt-ass bare,

Then stuck the quivering vibrator into my vagina right below my clit and curly black pubic hair.

After 18 minutes I was in heaven nothing else mattered I didn’t have a care,

But then I heard a noise from over there.

I thought I was alone I slowly looked over in despair.

My cat was sitting on my bedroom windowsill watching me with a disgusted shocked-ass stare!

Oh the injustice of it all, it was not fucking fair!

To be caught by my cat masterbating with my freshly waxed legs thrown high in the air!

I felt so awful so full of shame!

My damn cat caught me when I barely just came!

Unfortunately things between me and my cat will never be the same!

Because I got caught by my cat masterbating to the song, “Give It To Me Baby” courtesy of soul singer Rick James!

By the by, I would like to send a heavenly shout out to the funkmaster himself, Rick James! Rick, I am and always will be a big fan of your music! Rest in peace nasty baby, rest in peace! And this heavenly shout out Rick was sent out up to you from Tina “Knowledgeable” Peden, bitch! That’s right heavenly funkmaster, you’re Rick James, bitch and i’m Tina “Knowledgeable” Peden, bitch!

Also, I love and really miss the Rick James comedy skits that brilliant comedian, Dave Chappelle from the Chappelle Show used to do! They were fantastic!

Leave a comment »

IT’S CHRISTMAS HUMOR TIME: YOU AIN’T GONNA’ BELIEVE THIS SHIT, DID YOU HEAR SANTA CLAUS’ HOLIDAY MESSAGE ON THE SANTA HOTLINE?!


(Santa is in his home office sitting at his desk. Santa quickly scans the instruction booklet then presses the “record” button on his new telephone answering machine and begins to record the following message for the kids who will call his new Santa Hotline. By the by, Santa’s broke-ass will be charging the kids $3.99 per call.)

Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas, Kids!”

“Can you believe it, Christmas is almost here!”

“We are all very busy in the North Pole. The elves are wrapping the presents, Mrs Claus is baking lots of Christmas cookies and mending my Santa Suit and I am cleaning the sleigh and helping Rudolph and the other reindeer practice their flying for the big day.”

“It won’t be long before I am high above the skies of your homes on Christmas Eve dropping presents to all you good boys and girls.”

“I hope all of you have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!”

“I love you all very much and I will see you soon!”

“Bye!”

“And kids before I forget, don’t you forget to leave me a message telling me what gift you want for Christmas after the beep.”

(Santa presses the “stop” button on his new telephone answering machine because he has finished recording his holiday message to the kids on his new hotline but unbeknownst to Santa he has misread the instructions and was supposed to press the “stop” button TWICE on his new telephone answering machine to stop recording. Unfortunately for Santa but fortunate for everybody who reads this blog post his new telephone answering machine keeps on recording and in a short time all of the kids who call Santa’s Hotline will hear the following extended message too.)

(Santa lets out a loud breath of air then begins to talk to himself.)

“Whew! It sure feels good to get that shit over with!”

“Fuckin’ snot-nosed brats!”

“Now, I can kick back and relax in my Barca lounger with a cold brew and work on my New Year’s Resolutions while motormouth is in the kitchen baking Christmas cookies and fixing my Santa suit. Goddamn, that woman can talk! She never shuts the hell up!”

“At times like this, I wish to hell that I had never married her, but of course the bitch got pregnant so I had no choice!”

“Of course, no sooner than she gets the damn ring on her finger, she loses the baby so basically I married her sorry-ass for nothing!”

“Figures! I really wanted that kid!”

“Personal note to self: Cry like a baby later.”

“I’ll tell ya’ if it wasn’t for bad luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all!”

“Good ol’ St. Nick, my ass muthafucker!”

“Anyway…….Okay, Jolly ol’ St. Nick, stop it! You need to relax. For an hour or so, try to forget about that loud-ass motormouth bitch that you’re married to and focus on your New Year’s Resolutions for 2013.”

(Santa gets up from his desk then walks over to the mini-fridge in the corner of his office and takes out a six pack of Bud Light. He then walks over to the other side of his office where there is a Barca Lounger and a small table. Santa plunks the six pack of beer loudly down onto the table then throws himself happily down into his Barca Lounger. He reaches his right hand down into the Barca Lounger’s side pocket and pulls out a pen and a pad of paper.)

“Okay here we go, Santa’s New Year’s Resolutions for 2013.”

“Stop cheating on the wife with other “ho’s” which is one of the many perks of the job, thank god!” (“In my defense, if I don’t cheat how else am I gonna’ have the son or daughter that I so desperately want because that dumb-ass wife of mine is sterile.”)

“Personal note to self: Cry like a baby later and call ‘Samantha the Panther’ later for a late night booty call.”

“Stop stealing the “good” presents from under the Christmas trees then replacing them with totally “lame” gifts and laughing about it later.” (“In my defense, I can’t help it that i’m overworked and underpaid and don’t have the time or money to buy jack-shit!”)

“Get a faster “ride” like a Hummer because Rudolph and the other reindeer are just too damn slow! I’m a playa’ whose got things to do and places to go!”

“Once I get the Hummer, get some music that my car can bounce to like all those stoned rappers on MTV.”

“Exercise and eat right every day so that I can become a lean mean fighting machine! (Personal note to self: Tuesday, stay up until 3:00 a.m. so that I can catch one of those infomercials that sell the George Foreman Grill or order it off of his website at http://www.georgeforemancooking.com)”

“Reward any weight loss with a couple of packages of Hostess Ho-Ho’s and a gallon of chocolate milk.”

“Change name to “Santy D” or “STD” to increase my street cred and hopefully get a guest spot d-jaying on MTV.”

“Be more politically correct by eliminating my trademark chant, “Ho! Ho! Ho!” Instead try to say, “Strong Confident Woman! Strong Confident Woman! Strong Confident Woman, except around Mrs. Claus who is nothing but a loud-ass-never-shuts-the-hell-up Ho, Ho, Ho!”

“Replace my red and white santa hat with a do-rag and my black boots with timberlands to further increase my street cred and hopefully get a guest spot d-jaying on MTV.”

(Unbeknownst to Santa, the disc is full and the “record” button on Santa’s new telephone answering machine clicks off.)

Humorous Christmas Gifts at http://www.cafepress.com

I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THIS SPECIAL HOLIDAY STORY! MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM TINA “KNOWLEDGEABLE” PEDEN! HAVE A SAFE AND HAPPY CHRISTMAS HOLIDAY!

Leave a comment »

THE LADIES SOME GUYS WILL SAY ANYTHING TO GET SOME PUSSY SONG!


WARNING!

Ladies, some guys will say anything to get some pussy!
Ladies, some guys will say anything to get some pussy!
To the legit,
To pure bullshit,
Ladies, here’s an example of this macho bullshit!

DUMB-ASS MALE SAYS:
“Hey baby! If we have sex tonight, you don’t even have to worry about gettin’ pregnant! You’re looking at the only man in the world who doesn’t have to wear a rubber! They call me Quick Draw Withdraw! Yee-haw! In a flash, I’ll pull my dick out of your pussy before I cum!”

STUNNED SMART-ASS FEMALE SAYS:
Now that line was just plain dumb!
You low-down dirty bum!
So to punish you.
Yes, punish you!
For only thinking of you.
And for only thinking with your shriveled-up woo-woo! (i.e. little dick)
This girls says:
No pussy!
No pussy!
No pussy for you!

Comments (9) »

%d bloggers like this: