Posts tagged Retro

TINA KNOWLEDGEABLE PEDEN’S DATING TIPS FOR MEN! (TIP 3) THERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT YOU DON’T PLAY WITH ON A DATE, BUDDY!


Play with it in a darkened movie theatre or at home in your locked bedroom but guys, NEVER, I repeat, NEVER, play with it while you are out on a date!  (Not unless your date is really kinky!)
Trust me guys, nothing turns off a female faster than seeing a guy constanly twirling his hair playfully around his finger and tossing it around like he is in one of those dopey shampoo commercials.
Guys, a woman won’t hate you because your beautiful, she’ll hate you because you’re totally lame!
In other words guys, leave your hair the hell alone!
(FOR EMERGENCIES ONLY:  If you are a man out on a date and suddenly are hit with a powerful urge to start twirling your hair around your finger or even worse, tossing it around like you are in one of those dopey shampoo commercials, for the love of god, get the fuck away from your date as fast as you can!  Leave that chick in the damn dust!  Then immediately seek out your nearest elementary school.  Either get permission to enter the school from a staff member or simply break into the muthafucker!  After all, this is an emergency and the police will understand and not arrest you for breaking and entering after you have told them the reason why you had to do it.  Anyhoo, once inside of the elementary school immediately go to the nearest chalkboard and write the following phrase, “I AM A MAN HEAR ME ROAR!  I’M NOT GONNA’ PLAY WITH IT ANYMORE!”  Be sure to write this phrase on the chalkboard at least 100 times or at least until the urge to twirl and toss your hair around like they do in all of those dopey shampoo commercials subsides.)

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TINA KNOWLEDGEABLE PEDEN’S DATING TIPS FOR MEN! (TIP 1) THIS ONE IS FOR MY NO NONSENSE BOYS!


Hey No Nonsense Guys, if during the course of your date the female that you are out with takes a bad spill due to the 10 inch stilleto heels that she is wearing, No Nonsense Guys do the right thing and help her ass up!

I know that this may be difficult for a No Nonsense Guy to do because your logical reasoning is that your female companion claimed previously to you before you asked her out on a date that she was a strong intelligent millenium woman and you feel strongly that you would be going against her wishes by helping her ass up because any strong intelligent millenium woman would have common sense enough to know not to step foot (pun intended) out of the damn house in a pair of 10 inch stilleto heels in the first damn place especially on a first date! I mean, what the fuck! What is this? The damn seventies! I mean, platform shoes are out baby girl!

No Nonsense Guys, I know that you think your female companion knew the damn risks when she put the 10 inch stilleto shoes on and her strong intelligent millenium ass knew damn well that it was more than probable during the course of the date that she would eventually either fall flat on her ass or face down kissin’ pavement thereby looking all stupid and shit in front of you and all of the other people in the establishment that you are a patron at. The shit was just fucking inevitable! So since she is a strong intelligent millenium woman she absolutely must take responsiblility for her own stupid-ass actions and she is also absolutely capable of scraping her own ass off of the floor and she absolutely doesn’t need you to help her do it being that she is a strong intelligent millenium woman.

No Nonsense Guys, I will concede that you have made several excellent points! I give you props for that HOWEVER no matter how much in your heart and soul that you think that it was entirely your date’s fault that she took a bad spill due to her own stupidity and she got exactly what she deserved by being totally stupid ass by wearing 10 inch stilleto heel shoes on your date, PLEASE GIVE HER A DAMN BREAK! (And to all of my 10 inch stilleto heel shoe wearing girls, no pun intended gurrrl, I really hope that you girls are okay and didn’t break any bones or anything!)

Anyhoo, movin’ on!

No Nonsense Guys, let me clue your rigid minds to the fact that your female companion only wore those stupid ass 10 inch stilleto shoes for your ass to entice you into noticing how sexy and beguiling her legs and feet are and how good those sexy legs and feet would look wrapped around your rigid-minded ass when you “do the nasty” later on so basically No Nonsense Guys by not helping your date’s ass up after she takes a bad spill in 10 inch stilleto heel shoes that she wore expressly for you, you are ruining your chances of “hittin’ that” or “gettin’ some” from your date later on which is incredibly stupid!

No Nonsense Guys, do the right and gentlemenly thing for your date, yourself and your penis by helping your date up after she falls on her ass or flat on her fucking face due to the 10 inch stilleto heel shoes that she was wearing for you.

Also give her another chance to prove to you that she truly is a strong intelligent millenium woman and not a total MO-ron for wearing 10 inch stilleto heel shoes on your date. (And by the by, I love the seventies and platform shoes! They totally rocked the boat and didn’t tip the boat or your date over! P.S. I love you Hues Corporation!)

Remember, No Nonsense Guys, your date is simply an innocent woman with stupid-ass retro judgment who simply wanted to look sexy for you on your date so that she could get into your pants later. No biggie! Please give her another chance!

But for all of my No Nonsense Guys who still are on the fence about whether to help your date’s ass up after she takes a bad spill due to the 10 inch stiletto heel shoes that she’s wearing because you don’t want to be an ENABLER! Dudes, get a damn life and get the fuck off of that high horse that you are on and you might also want to take that big-ass stick shoved up your ass too!

No Nonsense Guys, you are going to get some poontang later which is something most normal heterosexual guys want at the end of their dates! Especially on a first date! So stop being a total fucking MO-ron yourself and help your date up off of her ass or face when she takes a bad spill due to wearing 10 inch stiletto heel shoes on your date!

Geez!

Is chivalry truly dead in the millenium?

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RETRO PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION GEMS: HEY BARACK & MICHELLE OBAMA: FOR YOUR CAMPAIGN’S SAKE, SHUT YOUR YAPS!


This is a humor piece that I wrote for the 2008 Presidential Election back in April 2008 on Instablogs. So turn back the clocks and reminise!

Picture it! I’m using my best “valley girl” voice circa 1983.

Okay, like, Barack Obama said like the people in rural Pennsylvania are bitter and angry.

Which was like sooo totally lame!

But I like forgive him because he’s such a total hunk!

He’s so tubular! Omigod!

And his wife, Michelle like totally said for the first time in her adult life, she was proud of her country.

Which was like so grody to the max!

But I like totally forgive her because her husband is such a total hunk!

He’s so tubular! Omigod!

Okay, I have to stop this right now. I mean, I love the 80’s but it’s time to say goodbye to my “valley girl” voice and the 80’s and move on from this retro reminising.

Besides it’s giving me a headache! (Or it could be the Olivia Newton-John headband that I am wearing around my head that could be giving me the headache. But I digress.)

Anyhoo, before I say goodbye to the 80’s completely, (I love you Deborah Foreman and Nicholas Cage! You guys did an awesome job in the movie!) there is one thing that I have to say.

Hey Barack & Michelle Obama, shut your yaps!

I mean, haven’t you idiots learned anything?

When the hell will politicians and their boring wives learn that when you are running for president of the United States of America and want to be president of the United States of America basically you can’t say a damn thing, zip, nada!

You have to keep your damn mouth shut about everything!

Barack, you can ask your grocer, doctor or even your car salesman to talk for you but you have to keep your mouth shut or it’s career suicide!

Basically you’ll never win the election if you say something!

Let’s face it, whenever a politician opens his or her mouth they are absolutely guaranteed to offend somebody.

At this time, I would like to send a shout out to rural Pennsylvania! How ya’ll feelin’ today?

So here’s a little advice to any politician out there considering running for president of the United States of America, always remember that Americans don’t have thick skin, they don’t let bygones be bygones, they don’t believe in that bullshit–sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. Americans get pissed off over the littlest thing!

So Barack and Michelle, for your campaign’s sake, shut your yaps!

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TINA KNOWLEDGEABLE PEDEN’S GREETING CARDS IN A BLOG POST! (GREETING CARD 9) HERE IS A SPECIAL RETRO CARD JUST FOR YOU REGULAR JOES OUT THERE!


SCRIPT TYPE: Long Electronic Greeting Card
TITLE: Valentine’s Day Smackdown 2005

Setting: This scene takes place in a Wrestling ring. There is a huge banner with words, Valentine’s Day Smackdown 2005, on it. It hangs over the ring.

Characters: In one corner you have Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. In an opposite corner you have Kevin Jamison and his wife Shelley. The announcer is in the middle of the ring. The announcer introduces the couples. He speaks loudly but clearly into the microphone. He points at each couple as he introduces them.

Announcer: “Our champs, Brad and Jennifer are rich, have glamourous careers, are ood-looking and physically fit.”

“The challengers, Kevin and Shelley currently live paycheck to paycheck, work at dead-end 9 to 5 jobs, are ordinary-looking and slightly overweight.”

“And the winner of Valentine’s Day Smackdown 2005 is Kevin and Shelley!”

“Why?”

“Because Kevin and Shelley will be CELEBRATING Valentine’s Day this year.”

(P.S. Brad and Jennifer won’t be because they separated in January 2005 mostly because of his adulterous love affair with that homewrecker humanitarian slut, Angelina Jolie.)

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WHENEVER YOU NEED A GOOD LAUGH, TRY THIS WEBSITE!


Hey guys, are you feeling down?

Hey gals, are your spirits low?

If so, pay a visit to the following website below and get your laughter on!

And as Heath Ledger’s awesome character, The Joker in the hit movie, The Dark Knight would say, “And here we go!”

To view the website please click on “I seriously need a good laugh!”

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