Posts tagged Reviews


This is an old Yelp review that I wrote.

Hart Plumbing & Heating
Riverside Dr
Greenland, NH 03840
(603) 431-8688
Category: Plumbing

A Noteworthy Attribute:
(Hart Plumbing & Heating)
Cost: I will not and never shall share! — Because I will surely perish if you let them step one stockinged foot into your precious lair!

* P.S. I just finished watching the kick-butt movie adaptations of Pride & Prejudice and Sense & Sensibility by master story teller, Jane Austen, hence my previous and future words in this review.


Dearest Sir Yelpers and Lady Yelpettes, I hope that what I am about to tell you will be of no impertinence to you but as a loyal and amiable servant of Yelp who has recently acquired this business’ services on March 28th and April 24th of this calendar year, I strongly feel that I would be remiss in my duties as a fine and upstanding online citizen if I did not share my recent experiences with you because someday if you are ever living in the Dover New Hampshire area you might indeed need to engage the services of a plumbing & heating specialist and if this unfortunate time does ever come, for the love of what’s all good and decent, stay away from this business!

And as a consequence of my disgust and disappointment in Hart Plumbing & Heating’s services, I find myself with the unfortunate inability to express my thoughts with words in this review. Please, forgive me! And rest assured that I am and will always be your faithful devoted servant so instead of expressing my thoughts about Hart Plumbing & Heating in words I will do as the many bonny songwriters of the eighteenth century did, I will express my thoughts in song which are basically words anyway. So without further ado, may I present to you “The Never Hire Hart Plumbing & Heating In Greenland New Hampshire Song!”

“Call Hart Plumbing & Heating in Greenland New Hampshire at 603-431-8688,”

“For ineptitude, unprofessionalism, inconvenience and a long a*s wait,”

“Hey Robert C. Hart Jr., your company’s got some serious issues baby that I truly hate,”

“So get your shizit together before you lose more customers like me starting from this date,”

“To you this song, I lovingly, which is a total oxymoron in itself, wholeheartedly dedicate,”

“And remember just because time keeps slippin’, slippin’, slippin into the future doesn’t give your totally lame employees the right to be tardy and make your customers stew because for their important appointments they are really late,”

“That is really bad and unprofessional, a fatal and unforgiveable business trait,”

“Since you Robert C. Hart Jr. are ultimately responsible for the behaviour of your employees I hope your A+ rating at the Better Business Bureau suffers a most tarnished fate!”

P.S. Hence this online accurate Yelp review.

Jolly good day to all of you who have read this most unusual Yelp review!

And always remember that I am your most faithful and devoted servant!

P.S. Jane Austen totally rocks!

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Hey runners, I wrote this review just for you!
To read the review please read on!

A Noteworthy Attribute:
(Runner’s Alley)
Cost: Varies–On how much your body carries!As singer, Manfred Mann of Manfred Mann’s Earth Band once famously sang in his 1984 hit song, Runner:Through the night
Through the dawn
Behind you another runner is born
Don’t look back
You’ve been there
Feel the mist as your breath hits the air

And it’s underneath the moonlight
Passing some
Still your heart beats in the moonlight
Like a drum

And you will run your time
A shooting star across the sky
And you will surely cross the line

But let me fill you in my dear review reading audience and Mr. Manfred Mann himself in on one important detail.  You may run your time and be a shooting star across the sky and perhaps even be the first to surely cross the finish line but honey you have absolutely no chance of doing it until you buy the proper running equipment from Runner’s Alley in Portsmouth New Hampshire! I’m sorry but that’s just a fact, baby!

This elite sporting good store for the most astute and discriminating runner who only believes in  using the best is jammed packed in a pleasant way with a myriad of items of such quality that even 1976 gold medal decathalon winner, Bruce Jenner would happily train in such as running shoes in all styles and sizes for men and their lovely ladies, clothing and sunglasses that any runner will be sure to look their absolute best in because to some individuals in the running community it’s not how good you actually run (Sacrilege!) it’s how good you look while you are running.

Runner’s Alley also has plenty of reflective gear for those late night David Letterman or Jay Leno watching runners and we mustn’t forget those runners who love the public eye and want the spotlight on them at all times, literally, Runner’s Alley also has plenty of reflective gear for them too!  And for those hard-headed and head strong runners who absolutely insist on finding their own way, Runner’s Alley has a brilliant array of GPS units just for them and a much much more for runners of all temperments!

But my favorite item at Runner’s Alley by far is their best item which is their wide array of fuelbelts!  And for those of you coach potatoes out there like me who have recently entered the fitness game, a fuelbelt is a fancy schmancy word for a water bottle that you wear around your waist while running safely secured on a belt.  Some fuelbelts have the capacity to only carry one water bottle while others have the capacity to carry multiple water bottles while you are running.  Cool beans!  Or should I say cool water!

And for a totally committed and dedicated runner, a fuelbelt is a vital and necessary tool which has many uses such as:

-If you decide to run the Boston Marathon you can wear a 2 bottle fuelbelt.  You can fill one bottle with water and use it to hydrate yourself throughout the 26 mile trek and you can fill the other one with champagne and use it to either celebrate your accomplishment or cry and whine about not being the first runner to cross the finish line.  It all just depends on whether you are a happy selfless person or a sore loser crybaby.

-Wearing a four bottle fuelbelt gives you the capability of massively soaking yourself from head to toe with water so that you can look like you really worked up a sweat during your run while passing a hot girl that you have been crushing on.

-Fuelbelts are excellent weapons against those pesky dogs that constantly pursue you during your morning runs.  Simply take your water bottle off of your belt and squirt a drop or two of water in a canine’s face and I guarantee that Fido will then move in the opposite direction.

-Fuelbelts are also an excellent diversionary tool.  For example, wear a three bottle fuelbelt to your spouse’s family reunion that you absolutely don’t want to attend then when nobody is looking take the water bottle filled with pop rocks candy and pour it into the water bottle filled with mountain dew soda and place it carefully on the ground a few feet away from your pesky in-laws and wait a few minutes for the explosion to occur then while everyone is distracted haul your buttocks out of there pronto! As you run merrily home, be sure to savor the taste of cool water from the last remaining water bottle on your fuelbelt.  Don’t forget to congratulate yourself for a job well done.

So now that you see the many wonderful uses of fuelbelts run, walk, skip or hop down to Runner’s Alley when you need the absolute best in all things running, walking, skipping and hopping!  I guarantee you won’t regret it!

And last but not least, I would like to propose a toast to all of you who do take my advice by going down to Runner’s Alley and buying some merchandise.  Here’s to your good judgment and to your good health!

Spandex-clad bottoms up to you!

And I also hope that your running shoes have a very Happy Earth Day not just today but everyday of the year!

P.S.    After you read the review please click on SURPRISE! for your surprise.

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Hey foodies, culinary masters and all of the rest of you with the wander lust bug out there, are you think about doing a little traveling soon in your big-ass Winnebago with the space age George Jetson kitchen?

If so, take a break from grilling the porterhouse steak
and check out a little ol’ restaurant in New Haven Connecticut
that even the most discerning cowboy dines at!

To learn more about Chap’s Grille, read on………..

A Noteworthy Attribute:
(Chap’s Grille/Buffalo Chicken Tender Wrap)
Cost: $6.25 to chow down in Yale University’s hometown!
No matter whether you are a successful hardcore rapper who can wear their gravity-defying ten thousand dollar pants hanging off their butt cheeks without being arrested for indecent exposure, your vintage New York Yankees baseball cap turned to the back which is just plain sacrilege right there or your grille (which is urban slang for teeth jewelry) decked out in the most expensive gold, silver and diamonds that money can buy, let me tell you something, there are some things in life no matter how successful or badly dressed you are that just can’t be beat! And speaking of beats, let me bust a rhyme for you and it goes a little something like this:”Yo baby, yo baby, you baby, yo!”
“Your  is GRILLE whacked!”
“Cause’ when it comes to the Buffalo Chicken Tender Wrap that they serve at Chap’s GRILLE in New Haven Connecticut, that baby is deliciously packed!”
“Goodbye, son!”
“Chap’s Grille is number one!”
“Hey fool, stay in school, cause’ you just got sacked!”
“With the Buffalo Chicken Tender Wrap on Chap’s Grille menu they will never be beat!”
“Anybody crazy enough to challenge them, simply accept defeat!”
“Cause’ Chap’s Grille got it goin’ on, they are so neat!”So to all of you foodies and wander lusters out there it’s now time for ya’ll to recognize and get wise when it comes to Chap’s Grille ultimate prize!  And here we go!When you first lay your eyes on Chap’s Grille ultra-popular Buffalo Chicken Tender Wrap the first thought that immediately pops into your head is, “Jack it to Jesus! Jack it to Jesus!”  And that’s exactly what those heavenly staff angels at Chap’s Grille do when they make these wraps they “Jack em’ to Jesus” with:-Chicken so spicy that if eaten by a couple with a totally boring sex life it will instantly turn that atrocity five alarm chili red hot and have them both screaming simultaneously “Chap’s Grille” upon reaching orgasm!

-Chicken so darn tender that it practically glides down your throat very much like phlegm does when you are desperately trying to cough it up and spit it out!  (P.S.  Some of you out there reading this review may question my judgment in mentioning the word “phlegm” in close proximity to the Buffalo Chicken Tender Wrap but again let me school all of you grossed out babies, like the rapper 50 Cent is bulletproof (the guy has been shot 9 times) the Buffalo Chicken Tender Wrap at Chap’s Grille is nasty snot phlegm proof!)

-Blue Cheese Dressing so robust that it makes the hit AMC tv show, Mad Men’s Joan Holloway Harris (played seductively by actress Christina Hendricks) look flat which is a feat in itself! (I mean, have you seen this chick!)

-And Greens so crisp that people and gophers from miles away are constantly calling you to tell you to shut the heck up!

So fellow foodies, wander lusters and successful but badly dressed rappers if you ever find yourselves traveling in New Haven Connecticut, I urge you to do as the Yalies do!  Take $6.25 out of your trust fund and invest in a Buffalo Chicken Tender Wrap from Chap’s Grille!  Trust me, it will be one of the best non tax deductable investments that you will ever make in your argyle footed life!

Go Yale University and Chap’s Grille!

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I originally wrote this article for back in January 2010.


I know what you’re thinking. Daddy Lamar sounds like some kind of exotic cajun delicacy from down south. And in a way he really is. (Except for the fact that he is from Utah.) Guys, I kid you not! Get this! This unique daddy was born in 1930 and began his illustrious porn career in the year 2000! For those of you up to doing the math (I know that it is my job to do the math but since I am writing this article dammit i’m gonna’ ask you anyway! Cut me some slack would ya’!) this daddy was actually 70 years old, that’s right, I said 70 years old when he performed in his first film! Holy smokes! (Basically, anyone under the age of 50 is a twink when it comes to this daddy. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!) And guys do you want to know the best thing about this beautiful gay man (Drumroll, please.) He is now 80 years old and still going “fucking” strong! (Pun intended!) Guys, take Daddy Lamar’s lead, when it comes to good ol’ fashioned daddy sex, age ain’t nothin’ but a number baby! (Literally!) Have and enjoy sex, no matter how old you are!


There’s an old saying that nice guys always finish last but when it comes to this
good-looking boy next door daddy, alot of gay men will undoubtedly argue that Jay definitely “comes” first! (Pun intended!) Incidentally guys, when Jay comes it’s usually all over your face, in your mouth and in your anus. Let the semen fall where it may, huh guys! (Omigod, I can’t believe that I just said that, oh, i’m such a nasty boy, and I love it! And according to Jay’s work, so does he!) For an example, check out his films, “Daddy Flies Solo” or his ass spanking daddy masterpiece, “Feed Me Sir” and you’ll discover like so many other Jay Taylor fans have discovered that this 51 year old ass-strapping, dildo-boinking clothespin-using daddy is the bomb!


Singer Diana Ross and alot of fun-loving intoxicated gay guys at the local karioke bar have at one time harmoniously sang together the following lyrics: “I want muscles, all, all over his body, make him strong enough, from his head down to his toes, I want muscles, all, all over his body, make him strong enough, from his head down to his toes!” Hey guys, let me stop you before you go any further and that nasty hangover that you’re about to have sets in and you lose the capabilility of understanding any word that I say, WISH GRANTED! Boy oh boy do you get muscles not to mention Spike gives his boys the most important muscle of all in his films. (Pun intended!) With a body of a greek god and the swagger of The Doors frontman, Jim Morrison (Ironically his last name is Morrison as well.) this muscle daddy is sure to get a sharp rise out of anyone who is lucky enough to be blessed in his presence. Spike is quite a sight to behold! For those of you who require proof, buy a copy of “Daddy Chain” or “Built To Last” and you will become an instant Spike believer too! This daddy is for men who like their sex rough and tough and that’s exactly how Spike gives it to them!


With films such as “Daddy Fantasies”, “Daddy Knows Best”, “Daddy Cruising”, “Daddy Buddies” and “Daddy’s Weekend Layover” (Gee whiz, i’m totally out of breath just saying all of that!) you know that you’re in for some hot daddy lovin’ all night long! And when it comes to Michael’s appendage, long is definitely the appropriate word to describe it! (Loud-ass low down dirty snicker!) This 55 year old 165 pound 5′ 8” daddy powerhouse known as the silver-haired boy fucker (Ahhh, what a lovely name and such beautiful words to the gay ear.) just loves to give lots of cock and receive a shitload of it too! What a guy! In Michael’s films you will get to see lots and lots of expert fucking and sucking which is exactly what we want to see in our daddy porn. Hallelujah! Ya’ know there’s just something about a man with a double letter at the end of his name that makes me hard and after watching some of Michael’s films they will definitely make you hard too (Pun intended!) because he is the daddy porn star with the cock that totally rocks!


Even though it isn’t well publicized, alot of gay men have issues with their bodies just like women do. Some of us may be self-conscious about our vericose-veined legs, saggy bottoms or big ol’ gut bellies. (Enter Daddy Darby!) But when it comes to sex every gay man should keep in mind that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Another man’s turn-off may be another man’s turn-on meaning some gay men may like a good saggy ass or couldn’t care less if a man has a receding hairline or whatever other flaws that they may have. Some gay men may only be concerned about what kind of person that their partner may be inside, screw all the superficial bullshit or there are some gay men out there who don’t want any kind of serious relationship all they want is to get laid and have a good time! Whatever the reason, enter Daddy Darby! And when I say enter Daddy Darby boy oh british boy does this daddy know how to enter a british boy! (Pun intended!) With his oversized gargantuan belly leading the way this master fetish disciplinarian and spank master can be counted on to put bad little twinks in their place and remind them who is in charge. No matter whether he uses his hands, a sneaker or some hot wax there is no doubt that when you watch one of his many films that Daddy Darby is in full control and all the little boys love it and so do we!

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