Posts tagged Snicker

THE TOP 10 THINGS TO AVOID DOING IF YOU WANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY AS A PROFESSIONAL RAPPER!


10. Avoid having your prep school buddies tell back in the day stories about you.

9. Avoid having talking parrots named “Peepsta” talk shit about you behind your back.

8. Avoid having a one-name professional stage name like Bret, Kippy or Witherspoon.

7. Avoid having white people walk beside you at daytime instead of moving across the street.

6. Avoid having respected rappers like Ice-T, Dr. Dre or Snoop Dogg diss you in a rap song.

5. Avoid starring in a lame-ass movie like “Are We There Yet” and star in a kick-ass tv show like “Law & Order SVU”. (Hey Ice Cube, I applaud the showing of a loving caring black father but overall the movie still sucked! Sorry brother, just telling it like it is! And Ice-T, I love the show and your cop character, Fin Tutuola! From rapping about killing cops to portraying one. You’ve come a long way, baby! In the good sense, of course.)

4. Avoid attending National Organization of Women rallies where you bust out rhymes like “Everybody let’s get this party started! So I want all of ya’ll to say strong confident woman, strong confident woman!” When a more appropriate professional rapper would have busted out a rhyme like “Everybody let’s get this party started! So I want all of ya’ll to say ho! Say ho ho ho ho!” (P.S. Professionalism goes a long way in the rap world!)

3. Avoid ripping off the names of kick-ass legendary actors like “Al Pacino” and going by a totally lame-ass variation of it like “Alpa Chino” in real life or in fictional kick-ass movies like Tropic Thunder. (P.S. This black female writer thinks that talented-ass white actor, Robert Downey Jr. did a totally kick-ass performance as black Sargeant Lincoln O’Siris in the kick-ass movie, Tropic Thunder!)

2. Avoid writing a song for use in real life or in a fictional movie like Tropic Thunder where you repeatedly say, “I love the pussy! Hell yeah! I love the pussy! Hell yeah!” When you clearly love the penis. More specifically former N’Sync boy band member and passable actor, Lance Bass’ penis! (Ewww, gross!)

1. Avoid having a totally talented-ass but scary-ass especially when it comes to his ex-wife, Kim, white rapper like Eminem (a.k.a. Marshall Mathers) give you any kind of praise whatsoever! (P.S. Eminem may be a totally talented-ass scary-ass multi-million dollar numerous number one songs rapper but he is a totally talented-ass scary-ass multi-million dollar numerous number one songs WHITE rapper which to the world of rap which is predominantly BLACK is a total negative. God Bless Rap In America And God Please Eliminate Reverse Racism In America!)

WARNING & SPECIAL NOTE: If you are a BLACK rapper who either is from Stamford Connecticut or has parents with white collar jobs avoid going into rap at all because you’ll never be taken seriously and will be constantly dissed for not being poor or not growing up in a bad neighborhood! But if you are black rappers in the above situations who absolutely insist on going into rap because it is your God given right, then perhaps take a play out of the Black But Totally Middle Class Will Smith Play Book and rap only about things that you know like “Parents Just Don’t Understand” Middle Class Stuff. And in your case black rappers from Stamford Connecticut or whose parents have white collar jobs try rapping about your country club woes or which college should I go to in the fall woes and the rap world just may accept and only snicker a little at you.

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THE NEED TO MURDER OR CUT PEOPLE THE FUCK UP IS NOT DEXTER MORGAN’S TRUE DARK PASSENGER, DAMMIT!


It’s false advertising, really. Just like when a triflin’ chick wears a padded push up bra to entice a guy only for the sweet innocent guy (loud-ass snicker) who only likes chicks with big jugs to unfortunately find out later when they are gettin’ it on that like Christopher Columbus and Ferdinand Magellan he has discovered the great American flat lands. Boo hoo hoo, sweet innocent guys! (Loud-ass snicker!) That’s what your asses get for bein’ so damn shallow! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Anyhoo gettin’ back to the damn subject of this blog post, hey dudes and dudettes, I have a question for yall, “Why does Dexter Morgan, ya’ know the lovable psycho serial killer with a soft spot for kids on Showtime’s hit tv show, Dexter ALWAYS answer his damn cellphone! I mean dudes, dudettes what the fuck is up with that sick shit? I mean it ain’t normal! It’s totally fuckin’ psycho for a normal human being to answer his cellphone all the time! Sacrilege, baby! Sacrilege! And okay people I know that Dexter Morgan isn’t exactly “normal” but still a psycho serial killer answering their cellphone all the time is in a psycho league all its own! Sacrilege!

I mean the majority of people in the world even crazy-ass serial killers when they are ill, busy, working, committing a murder, having a good time or hell, even enjoying a good dicking simply ignore answering their landline or cellphones but not Mr. High & Mighty Pledge Allegiance To The Code Of Harry, Dexter Morgan! No this selfish crazy-ass sonofabitch answers his damn cellphone 24/7! I mean sometimes Dexter will do the right and normal thing and let his cellphone go to voicemail! (God Bless America!) B-U-T and I mean a big-ass butt like Beyonce’s, Dex will ALWAYS answer his damn cellphone THEN let the bitch go to voicemail! Wtf??? Sacrilege, baby!

I’ll tell ya’ of all of the fucked up shit this psycho serial killer has done which includes going all “hammertime” in the fourth season on kick-ass actor, John Lithgow’s Trinity Killer in the end and in the sixth season goin’ all “sterotypical white boys can’t dance” by doing a horrid and shitty “hammertime” dance on the dance floor at his 20th high school reunion this answering his cellphone 24/7 shit really takes the damn cake! (And by the by people, it ain’t delicious mouth watering cake it’s that hard brittle dry-ass muthafuckin’ shit!) And people let me ask you this, “Who wants that shit?” Sure as hell, not me!

B-U-T apparently Dexter Morgan does and there ain’t a damn thing that I, Showtime, Harry, Astor and Cody or even sweet little Rita currently suckin’ dirt “six feet under” can do! (Hey yall, did yall get the “subtle” reference that I made to Michael C. Hall’s first major television role, David Fisher on HBO’s ground breaking show, Six Feet Under! Michael, you were extremely creepy and an extremely naughty boy on that show! And I loved every minute of it! I mean dude, getting a blow job from a fix-it guy while sitting on top of a washer in a funeral home, now that shit was pure genius! Plus, all of those hot-ass kissin’ scenes that you did with Mathew St. Patrick! They were hot Michael C. baby, they were hot! Dude, to be honest, when you married Jennifer Carpenter who incidentally plays your fictional sister on Dexter, which is a little creepy I was so damn disappointed because I thought you were one of the coolest and most positive role model gay guys on the planet! But I digress! Mostly because you’re now divorced. Woo hoo! Hey Michael, return to the gay side baby, return to the gay side! Anyhoo, what I originally planned to say before getting bogged down with all of this “six feet under” shit is that my play on words with “six feet under” in this blog post was pure genius and you guys and gals know it! Am I a conceited bitch? Yes, I am!)

Anyhoo, gettin’ back on point again, I know that Dexter is this hot shit blood spatter analyst with the Miami Metro Police Department and he helps to solve alot of crimes but big fucking deal! This is still no excuse for answering your cellphone ALL THE DAMN TIME! So when people say that Dexter Morgan’s dark passenger is his need to murder or cut people the fuck up, those bitches are dead wrong! Pun fucking intended! Dexter Morgan’s true dark passenger is his fucking inability to not answer his cellphone or any damn phone within a million mile radius! And it’s got to stop! This muthafucka’ needs help which is the primary reason that I am writing this blog post. Since everybody else on the planet is Alicia Silverstone-Clueless about Dexter Morgan’s Dark Passenger but i’m not but mostly because i’m smarter and cuter than most of you. Oh, snap! I, Tina Knowledgeable Peden am enlightening your fucking clueless asses!

So if there is a doctor or addiction program with a heart, screw that murder/cut people the fuck up shit, that’s totally irrelevant! PLEASE helps this muthafucka’ overcome his CELLPHONE ANSWERING ADDICTION because doctors or addiction programs if you don’t things are only going to get worse not just for him but for everybody on the planet! Today Dexter Morgan is answering his cellphone 24/7 tomorrow this muthafucka’ will be answering YOUR PHONE 24/7! And who the fuck wants that, sure as hell, not me! And I hope and pray that you don’t want that either! Doctor or addiction program please hear my plea and help a totally fucked up serial killer with a soft spot for kids the hell out before we all suffer!

A-fucking-MEN.

Thank you!

Tina Knowledgeable Peden has left the fucking building without answering her cellphone!

Woo hoo!

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TINA “KNOWLEDGEABLE” PEDEN’S POP CULTURE DICTIONARY (VOLUME 10) WHAT DOES THE PHRASE “SHIT-FACED ON LOVE” MEAN?


Sex Definition: S.F.O.L. stands for Shit-Faced On Love.

Instead of a couple being drunk on margaritas, whiskey sours, beer or jello shots like normal people they are drunk on their love for each other. When these couples are together they experience an overwhelming intoxicating feeling of intense passion for each other which often leads to public displays of french-kissing, butt-rubbing and boob-tweaking. It also leads individuals who witness these displays to engage in head-shaking, soft-snickering, mucho-upchucking and police-calling.

I will now use this phrase in a sentence to clarify its meaning.

Hey Jebidiah, look at those two hound dogs all shit-faced on love! Dude, check out what they are doing all over that tacky-ass Elvis Presley life-sized placemat! Dude, i’m all shook up!

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IT’S NEW YEAR’S HUMOR TIME: SANTA CLAUS (A.K.A. KRIS KRINGLE) CAUGHT DOIN’ THE NASTY AT LOCAL RESTAURANT ON NEW YEAR’S DAY!


(After thirteen tries, an extremely pissed off Mrs. Claus finally manages to opens up her laptop. She will record the following message using her webcam. The message will go up immediately on her YouTube page when she is finished. Mrs. Claus has decided to record the message in her home office. Appearancewise, Mrs. Claus looks like stir fried shit and her breath is also jacked-up as well and also smells like stir fried shit too. On top of Mrs. Claus’ ugly-ass rolltop desk are many empty bottles of Jack Daniels and a half full bottle of Jim Beam. Mrs. Claus picks up the half full bottle of Jim Beam and takes a hearty swig then returns it with a loud plunk to her ugly-ass rolltop desk. Mrs. Claus then looks directly into the webcam then burps loudly. The bitch is totally fucked up! Mrs. Claus then begins to record her message in an extremely irritating high pitched slurred-ass voice.)

“Happy New Year, Children!”

“This is Mrs. Claus, Santa Claus’ soon to be ex-wife.”

“I know that you usually hear a special New Year’s message from Santa but unfortunately Santa Claus is currently unavailable because he got arrested for having phone sex with some whore named Molly last night.”

“So, he very well couldn’t send his special New Year’s message to you from the slammer now could he?”

“Hey Santa, I’m gonna’ take you to the cleaners, you fat bastard! Nobody humiliates me like this without paying a steep price, asshole!”

“Movin’ on!”

“So I, the soon to be ex-Mrs. Claus graciously told Santa that I would deliver a special New Year’s message for him this year.”

“Children, my New Year’s message for you this year is short and simple, “DON’T SCREW WITH ME BECAUSE I’M A VINDICTIVE BITCH THAT YOU DON’T WANT TO MESS WITH!”

“To demonstrate my meaning, i’m going to read you an article that appeared in today’s paper that your parents probably hid from you.”

January 1, 2013

SANTA CLAUS (A.K.A. KRIS KRINGLE) CAUGHT DOIN’ THE NASTY AT LOCAL RESTAURANT ON NEW YEAR’S DAY!

BEVERLY HILLS, CALIFORNIA–Usually for jolly ol’ Saint Nick, New Year’s Day is one of his favorite days off of work. It is a day where he can rest and relax after a hectic Christmas season. But not this year!

At a press conference this morning, police confirmed that Santa Claus a.k.a. Kris Kringle was arrested at 2:03 a.m. on New Years Day at Chez Skank Restaurant. He was formally charged with two crimes. Santa was charged with drunk and disorderly conduct and simulating a lewd act in a public place.

“Apparently after eating 81 hot cross buns and downing 94 hot buttered rum shots, Santa was feeling a little “hot” himself and wanted to get his “buns buttered”, if ya’ know what I mean!” Officer Ted Butts said in a low-down dirty voice while winking at the snickering reporters who knew exactly what the flatfoot meant.

Officer Butts said that since Santa was in a festive mood he decided to take advantage of one of the kick-backs that he received from Chez Skank. In return for Santa coming to the upscale restaurant a couple of times a year, he was given free meals, drinks and phone sex. Santa decided on the latter since his big-ass was already full from the 81 hot cross buns he wolfed down and he was so damn tired of pissing up a storm from the 94 hot buttered rum shots that he had guzzled down earlier that engaging in phone sex seemed like the next logical step. So phone sex it was!

At a little after 1:00 a.m. on New Years Day, Santa whipped out his big pink phallus-shaped cellphone from his pants and let his fingers do the walking. A few seconds later, Santa was connected to Molly, a phone sex operator for the Politically Correct Happy Holidays Adult Hotline. Patrons and staff of the upscale restaurant were both shocked and amused when they heard Santa moaning loudly and uttering the following:

“Do you want me to fuck you baby?”
“Tell me how bad you want me to fuck you baby?”
“Tell me all of your dirty little thoughts!”
“Are you a bad girl, Molly?”
“Do you want Santa to be naughty or nice?”
“Oh yes, do you know how much you are turning me on baby?”
“Tis’ the season to be spanked by Molly. Fa, La, La, La, La, La, La, La, La!”
“Mmmm baby, you know what I was thinking about doing to you?”

Various witnesses reported that Santa then put his big-ass dick-shaped cellphone down on the table and switched on the speaker phone. Next, Santa picked up a long thin breadstick from the bread basket that was sitting on the table then put three pats of butter on it and then started to rub it sensually up and down.

“Molly baby, I want to rub your body from head to toe with some hot butter. Would you like that baby?” Santa cooed.

“Oh yes, yes, yes, yes!” Molly screamed. “Tell me more! Tell me more, big daddy!”

Santa chucked. And it wasn’t one of those “jolly” chuckles either. It was a low-down nasty dirty chuckle.

Next, Santa started to lick the breadstick all over.

“Molly, I want to slowly lick some hot butter off of your body. Can I do that baby?” Santa asked.

“Yes, yes, do it! Do it, big daddy and don’t you ever stop licking hot butter off of my body ever! You’re the king! You are the king! Do it, I want more! Oh yes, I want more! Oh yes!”

“Sarah Petersen, Chez Skank’s maitre d’ had finally had enough.” Officer Butts said. “But let me clarify. Sarah hadn’t had enough of hearing Santa have phone sex.” According to Sarah, “she could have listened to that shit all night!” “What Sarah had had enough of was all the patrons demanding to be seated next to Santa the next time he came into Chez Skank. When she had to turn down a few of the patrons because all of the seats next to Santa were taken, Sarah was threatened with guns and knives if she didn’t make seating available. That was when Miss Petersen called the police.” Officer Butts said.

Santa is currently being held at Fruitcake Hall, a luxury prison in Beverly Hills, until his arraignment on January 4th.

Chez Skank, which is an upscale restaurant in Beverly Hills world-famous for it’s murals on the walls of the top skanks in Hollywood, plans to commemorate Santa’s bust by putting a mural of him up on the wall in February 2013. Current mural honorees are Paris & Nicky Hilton, Jennifer Lopez, Angelina Jolie, Madonna, Marilyn Monroe, Justin Timberlake, Janet Jackson, Tara Reid, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Rihanna and any other chick or metrosexual in Hollywood who claims that they didn’t know that you could see their breasts, vajayjays, or cocks through the sheer gowns or pants that they were wearing to the Oscars, Grammys, MTV Music Awards or Razzies.

“So, children to recap, my New Year’s message to you for the year 2013 is ‘DON’T SCREW WITH ME BECAUSE I’M A VINDICTIVE BITCH THAT YOU DON’T WANT TO MESS WITH’!”

“Goodbye children, have a happy and safe new year and don’t ‘f’ it up like jolly ol’ St. Nick!”

“By the by you lying cheating bastard, i’m gonna’ take your fat-ass to the cleaners!”

Humorous Christmas Gifts at: http://www.cafepress.com

BY THE BY, MY NAME IS TINA “KNOWLEDGEABLE” PEDEN AND I HOPE THAT YOU ENJOYED THIS SPECIAL HOLIDAY STORY! HAVE A HAPPY AND SAFE NEW YEAR! REMEMBER IF YOU GET FUCKED UP OR PISSY DRUNK LIKE MRS. CLAUS’ DUMB-ASS DURING THE HOLIDAYS, STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM THE WEBCAM AND ALSO DO THE RIGHT THING AND DON’T DRIVE DRUNK! EITHER DESIGNATE A SAFE SOBER DRIVER, CALL A CAB OR WALK! HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

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