Posts tagged Tips

JOHNSON UP! (A MANTRA FOR THE MILLENNIUM MAN!)


Verse 1/Chorus:
Hey brother,
did you have a bad day so you took
it out on your woman and brought
her verbally down?
Wanna’ rebound?
Then Johnson up!
Straight up!
Say Sorry up!
Admit yo’ ass was to blame and you
was wrong up!
Buy your woman some flowers or
candy or cook her dinner as a nice
way to make up!
Commit to doing better in the future up!
But most of all, verbally lift your Queen’s
spirits because she damn well deserves
it the hell up!
Get the picture up!
Verse 2/Chorus:
Hey brother,
did you get a girl pregnant then say the
kid ain’t yours being all damn low down?
Wanna’ rebound?
Then Johnson up!
Straight up!
Take paternal parental responsibility up!
Take any decent job or take yo’ ass back
to school to provide for your new kid up!
Pay as much as you can in child support
or open up a savings account and save,
save, save up!
Take a lamaze class and meet other new
parents up!
Go out and buy a colorful onesie up!
But most of all, support the mother of your
child, despite any differences, because she
sure as hell needs you at this time the hell up!
Verse 3/Chorus:
Hey brother,
when you and your homeboys are clowning
around, do you often refer to women as
bitches and hoes stupidly thinking ya’ll are
getting down?
Wanna’ rebound?
Then Johnson up!
Straight up!
Ask yourself would you want your homies
calling your mama, sister or female child
these sick-ass names, come on brother,
real up!
Remember brother that a strong sensual
woman can do anything that a stereotypical
macho male can do so wake up!
And dude, if a woman has a so called
tramp stamp on her back, you can have
your opinions but keep them to yourself
because it ain’t none of yo’ business up!
And baby boy, just because a women dresses
sexy or barely wears any clothes doesn’t mean
that she’s easy or a slut up!  So shutup!
Bro, work to free your mind of these stereotypes
by educating yourself and your homeboys the hell up!
But most of all, try to be a gentleman to women as much
as you possibly can by verbally respecting women
especially in front of impressionable young men the hell up!
Verse 4/Chorus:
Hey brothers,
now that I have given ya’ll the ultimate female low down …..
Now you have all of the tools to maintain and if need be to
always rebound!
So Bro, if ever in the future you screw up, simply direct
your dick skyward and Johnson up!
Again bro, dick skyward, literally straight up!
Bro, do it all old school R&B Temptations style and
“Treat Her Like A Lady” up!
And if you majorly fuck up then go to prison, serve
your time and rehabilitate the hell up!
Always try to be a good role model to young and other
brothers because you have the ability to inspire and
educate up!
Don’t be scared to show love and affection outwardly
towards your woman for fear you’ll be called a pansy up!
Scream it from the tree tops that you are a strong-ass,
grown-ass woman supporting equal opportunity man
till you die up!
And most of all, tweak, be creative and do anything else
that you can think of to make yourself a better man who
exhibits respectful behavior towards women up!
Again bro, direct your dick skyward, straight up!
Always and forever bro, remember to Johnson up!

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HERE ARE SOME NON-TRADITIONAL PROTEST IDEAS!


Do you want to take a stand against a certain politician but due to such things as being too shy or having flat-ass feet may prevent you from picking up a homemade sign and hitting the streets and protesting the usual way?

Well, don’t be damn discouraged!

Baby, just change your mind set!

Remember, every damn person on the planet is good at something!

So first, determine what the hell that is then go out and do it till you’re satisfied whatever it is!

For example:

-If you are a writer, then start a political blog or compose political blog posts about the politician in question.

-If you are a musician, then write a song about the politician and do some public performances of it at your local park, coffee house, house party, etc.  And don’t forget to post that baby online!

-If you have a culinary degree, then bake up a batch of cookies stuffed with a strip of paper inscribed with a political fortune message on it and then pass them out at political fundraising events.

Et cetera!  Et cetera!  Et cetera!

Just use your strengths and imagination and I guarantee you that you will make one hell of a stand!

NoMoreTearsEnoughisEnough

EnoughisEnoughNoMoreTearsUnofficialAntiTrumpSong

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TIPS ON HOW TO STOP VOTER SUPPRESSION!


Some lawmakers in states like North Carolina try to do everything under the sun to make it as difficult as possible for people who are eligible to vote, to actually cast a vote for fear that their political party won’t reign victorious.  And we all know what that bullshit is called…..voter suppression!

Here’s a tip on how to stop voter suppression:

-Go to a reputable fundraising website like GoFundMe.com and start a campaign to raise money in order to be able to give out vouchers to cash strapped eligible voters in all 50 states who are unable to purchase a state issued i.d. card or passport which includes a photo so that they can prove definitively who they are and thus be able to cast a vote for the candidate of their choice!

Hooray for democracy!

NoMoreTearsEnoughisEnough

EnoughisEnoughNoMoreTearsUnofficialAntiTrumpSong

 

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HERE’S A CELL PHONE TIP JUST FOR THE LADIES!


Gals, if your purse looks anything like mine (and I severely hope not) it’s hard to find anything due to the fact that I have so much shit in it that it looks like a portable walking rummage sale.

But all in all this doesn’t faze me.

I mean as long as I can pull out my cell phone, my most prized necessity within a couple of seconds, i’m fine.

And speaking of cell phones, I have figured out a very simple way to find this item asap and I am going to share my tip with you.

A few years ago ladies I started keeping my cell phone in a distinctive colored plastic eye glass case and ever since then I have never had any problems finding my cell phone in a hurry. Plus some other wonderful benefits of keeping my cell phone in a plastic eye glass case in my landfill of a purse that I get around to cleaning once every couple of months is:

-I have avoided getting my cell phone wet and ruining it due to the many bottles of lotion and hand sanitizer and pouches of Capri Sun Juices that I tote along in my purse.

-I have also avoided the arduous and lame-ass task of peeling off purse lint, stray hair from my pocket comb and multiple pieces of Jolly Ranchers Candy that have somehow come unwrapped from my cell phone.

-And sometimes when I am in a hurry I toss things in my purse carelessly which is no longer a problem because the eye glass case completely protects my cell phone from damage. So no matter if I toss a couple of coins, a sharp cornered compact disc, a heavy paperback book or a 20 ounce bottle of Mountain Dew in my purse abruptly, my cell phone is completely covered, literally!

So ladies if your purse is a portable junk drawer like mine is but you are too busy or too lazy to get rid of some of the clutter on a semi-regular basis but you still need to be able to locate your cell phone in a microsecond then take my advice and go out to your nearest Dollar Store, Dollar Tree, Kmart or Walmart and buy yourself a totally inexpensive but totally valuable in the long run plastic eye glass case to keep your cell phone in while it’s in your purse as soon as you possibly can!

WARNING: Your purse lint, stray hair from your pocket comb and Jolly Ranchers Candies certainly won’t like it but screw those bitches because the important thing is that YOU will personally like it and that’s all that matters.

P.S. And for those of you cell phone worry warts, if placed in the right plastic eye glass case you can still hear your cell phone ring as clear as a bell. No worries.

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TALKING ALOUD TO YOURSELF WHEN YOU’RE A WRITER IS NOT CRAZY, IT’S REQUIRED! AFTER ALL, WE’RE MODERN DAY LITERARY OUTLAWS!


Every week I take a trip out to the local Family Dollar Store to get a few items. From my home to the Family Dollar Store it is approximately a 15 minute walk. This past weekend I made my usual trip. Usually everything goes off without a hitch but not this time. You see on my 15 minute walks to and from Family Dollar I like to use the time to do some mental writing which usually entails coming up with something new to write about and post on my online blogs.

As I was walking home from Family Dollar and doing some thinking all of a sudden I came up with a clever line that one of my children’s story character’s could say. And as I so often do, I said the line outloud in the voice that I have imagined my children’s story character would talk in.

I was momentarily startled when out of nowhere a voice says, “Omigod!” When I turned around in the direction the voice had come from I was surprised to see a little old caucasian lady walking a few steps behind me tugging a small cart filled with groceries. My first thought was “Where the hell did this bitch come from?” since I usually have supersonic hearing and can tell instantly when someone comes up or walks behind me. However, I also know that sometimes when I really get into my mental writing I am literally transported into that world and am totally oblivious to everything around me. Basically, I don’t hear jack shit and this of course was one of those times.

After a few awkward seconds of eye contact with the little old caucasian lady I noticed in addition to tugging her small-ass cart of groceries she was also looking at me like I was totally crazy. Her expression was so comical that when I turned back around I immediately began laughing which the little old caucasian lady obviously heard with her only being steps behind because this time I hear her say, “Crazy kids!” quite loudly. As you can imagine this made me laugh even harder. A few seconds later, we both came to an intersection which I crossed and she made a right turn onto another street.

A few moments later as I was still thinking about my brief unusual encounter with the little old caucasian lady with a big ol’ smile on my face again I was momentarily surprised and I knew why. You see a couple of times in my life people from family members to friends to co-workers to total strangers have heard me talking aloud to myself and like most people I get a little embarrassed but not this time and again I knew the reason why.

Even though I was talking aloud to myself, I was working. I was mental writing and to me that’s legitimate work. And that’s just one of the many things that us writers do, we use our imaginations to picture what the characters in our stories will look like, how they will dress, their mannerisms, how they will talk and so much more. So technically I was only doing what was required of me. Something every writer does so there was absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about. I didn’t do anything wrong or strange although the little old caucasian lady seemed to think that I did.

In her eyes I wasn’t conforming to the usual rules of society which dictate that you don’t talk aloud to yourself in a public place. But who cares! I was on Saturday, April 7th and will be for the rest of my life proud of myself for laughing off the little old caucasian lady’s negative comments. So little old caucasian lady who was walking behind me on Saturday afternoon I just want to say that “I’m not crazy!” It just so happens that talking aloud to yourself when you’re a writer is not crazy but required because it is a vital part of the job! So take that, honey!

P.S. Writers all over the world and Elvis have left the building with their heads held high and we don’t care what other people say about us when we talk aloud to ourselves while we are working! After all, we’re modern day literary outlaws! We don’t conform, we change the world with our words and there ain’t no way in hell we’ll do the norm! So take that little old caucausian lady and all of you other haters out there! We writers, rule the world!

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TINA KNOWLEDGEABLE PEDEN’S DATING TIPS FOR WOMEN! (TIP 1) THIS ONE IS FOR MY GIRLS!


Hey Junk Food Junkie Gals, let me give you a tip.

DON’T CHANGE YOUR EATING HABITS RIGHT BEFORE YOU GO OUT ON A DATE!

JFJ Gals, your date ain’t gonna’ be able to handle it and your stomach damn well ain’t gonna’ be able to handle this shit either! Literally!

Girl let me school ya’!

Your stomach is used to all of that beautiful artery clogging grease due to all of those thick-ass, stacked-ass double cheeseburgers with all of the fixins that you have been wolfin’ down and all of those long-ass salty-ass french fries drenched with catsup that you have been scarfin’ up and all of those golden brown fried twinkies loaded with so many damn preservatives that if you left the bitch for 100 years and came back, the damn twinkie would still be edible, that your gluttonous ass has been gobblin’ up!

Girl, that’s the shit that your stomach is used to! So Girl, don’t be goin’ and committin’ suicide all up on your date! Girl, let me tell ya’ that your date ain’t gonna’ like it, the police ain’t gonna’ like it, the paramedics ain’t gonna’ like it and your family and friends sure as hell ain’t gonna’ like being inconvenienced and having to dole out mad cash simply because your stupid-ass got herself killed by deciding to turn over a new health food leaf on your date! Girl, wake the fuck up! So Girl, quit it! But in your case, don’t begin it!

Girl, if your dumb junk food junkie ass wants to turn over a new health food leaf, choose a different appropriate time like a week or two before you have your annual physical examination at the doctor’s office! Girl, that’s the perfect time for your junk food eatin’ ass!

BUT and I mean a big-ass BUT, for all of my stubborn-ass Junk Food Junkie Gals absolutely determined to turn over a new health food leaf on their date then your dumb-ass had better come prepared! Girl, let me give you some more advice and I pray to God you’ll take it this time. For God’s sake, go to the nearest Walmart before you go on your date and stock up on these supplies.

A big-ass can of air freshner due to all of the fartin’ and shittin’ you’ll be doing all up in the bathroom, a tin of altoid mints due to your nasty stinky breath from all of the upchuckin’ that you’ll be doing all up in the bathroom, a couple packages of tums antacid due to all of the upchuckin’ you’ll be doing all up in the bathroom, an extra pair of drawers due to soiling yourself from all of the fartin’ and shittin’ that you’ll be doing all up in the bathroom, a “Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego Detective Kit” for your date so that he can find you and determine if you simply deserted his ass or your shits really take that long, some boxing gloves so that you can protect yourself from all of the punches and bitch-slaps that you’ll be receiving from the establishment’s staff for stinkin’ up their bathroom and cloggin’ up their toilet and last but not least a first aid kit so that you can patch yourself up from all of the punches and bitch-slaps that you received due to all of the fartin’, shittin’, upchuckin’ and toilet cloggin’ that you did all up in that establishment’s bathroom.

Girl, be prepared for World War 3 if you decide to change your eating habits right before you go out on a date!

And don’t say, my girl, Tina Knowledgeable Peden didn’t warn you!

Because I did!

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TINA “KNOWLEDGEABLE” PEDEN’S RESTAURANT TIPS! (TIP 2)


Every restaurateur should consider using address labels because they have so many unique uses in the culinary world. For example an address label can be cut into small strips and used to wax the hair off of the hands or arms of a hairy chef, they can also be put over the mouth to silence those “extremely annoying constantly complaining about the food” customers, they can also be placed around your cooking area to catch those pesky flies and gnats that always seem to appear when you have fresh fruit out in the open and oh yeah, they can also be used on your business mail too.

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