Posts tagged Tips


Verse 1/Chorus:
Hey brother,
did you have a bad day so you took
it out on your woman and brought
her verbally down?
Wanna’ rebound?
Then Johnson up!
Straight up!
Say Sorry up!
Admit yo’ ass was to blame and you
was wrong up!
Buy your woman some flowers or
candy or cook her dinner as a nice
way to make up!
Commit to doing better in the future up!
But most of all, verbally lift your Queen’s
spirits because she damn well deserves
it the hell up!
Get the picture up!
Verse 2/Chorus:
Hey brother,
did you get a girl pregnant then say the
kid ain’t yours being all damn low down?
Wanna’ rebound?
Then Johnson up!
Straight up!
Take paternal parental responsibility up!
Take any decent job or take yo’ ass back
to school to provide for your new kid up!
Pay as much as you can in child support
or open up a savings account and save,
save, save up!
Take a lamaze class and meet other new
parents up!
Go out and buy a colorful onesie up!
But most of all, support the mother of your
child, despite any differences, because she
sure as hell needs you at this time the hell up!
Verse 3/Chorus:
Hey brother,
when you and your homeboys are clowning
around, do you often refer to women as
bitches and hoes stupidly thinking ya’ll are
getting down?
Wanna’ rebound?
Then Johnson up!
Straight up!
Ask yourself would you want your homies
calling your mama, sister or female child
these sick-ass names, come on brother,
real up!
Remember brother that a strong sensual
woman can do anything that a stereotypical
macho male can do so wake up!
And dude, if a woman has a so called
tramp stamp on her back, you can have
your opinions but keep them to yourself
because it ain’t none of yo’ business up!
And baby boy, just because a women dresses
sexy or barely wears any clothes doesn’t mean
that she’s easy or a slut up!  So shutup!
Bro, work to free your mind of these stereotypes
by educating yourself and your homeboys the hell up!
But most of all, try to be a gentleman to women as much
as you possibly can by verbally respecting women
especially in front of impressionable young men the hell up!
Verse 4/Chorus:
Hey brothers,
now that I have given ya’ll the ultimate female low down …..
Now you have all of the tools to maintain and if need be to
always rebound!
So Bro, if ever in the future you screw up, simply direct
your dick skyward and Johnson up!
Again bro, dick skyward, literally straight up!
Bro, do it all old school R&B Temptations style and
“Treat Her Like A Lady” up!
And if you majorly fuck up then go to prison, serve
your time and rehabilitate the hell up!
Always try to be a good role model to young and other
brothers because you have the ability to inspire and
educate up!
Don’t be scared to show love and affection outwardly
towards your woman for fear you’ll be called a pansy up!
Scream it from the tree tops that you are a strong-ass,
grown-ass woman supporting equal opportunity man
till you die up!
And most of all, tweak, be creative and do anything else
that you can think of to make yourself a better man who
exhibits respectful behavior towards women up!
Again bro, direct your dick skyward, straight up!
Always and forever bro, remember to Johnson up!

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Do you want to take a stand against a certain politician but due to such things as being too shy or having flat-ass feet may prevent you from picking up a homemade sign and hitting the streets and protesting the usual way?

Well, don’t be damn discouraged!

Baby, just change your mind set!

Remember, every damn person on the planet is good at something!

So first, determine what the hell that is then go out and do it till you’re satisfied whatever it is!

For example:

-If you are a writer, then start a political blog or compose political blog posts about the politician in question.

-If you are a musician, then write a song about the politician and do some public performances of it at your local park, coffee house, house party, etc.  And don’t forget to post that baby online!

-If you have a culinary degree, then bake up a batch of cookies stuffed with a strip of paper inscribed with a political fortune message on it and then pass them out at political fundraising events.

Et cetera!  Et cetera!  Et cetera!

Just use your strengths and imagination and I guarantee you that you will make one hell of a stand!



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Some lawmakers in states like North Carolina try to do everything under the sun to make it as difficult as possible for people who are eligible to vote, to actually cast a vote for fear that their political party won’t reign victorious.  And we all know what that bullshit is called…..voter suppression!

Here’s a tip on how to stop voter suppression:

-Go to a reputable fundraising website like and start a campaign to raise money in order to be able to give out vouchers to cash strapped eligible voters in all 50 states who are unable to purchase a state issued i.d. card or passport which includes a photo so that they can prove definitively who they are and thus be able to cast a vote for the candidate of their choice!

Hooray for democracy!




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Gals, if your purse looks anything like mine (and I severely hope not) it’s hard to find anything due to the fact that I have so much shit in it that it looks like a portable walking rummage sale.

But all in all this doesn’t faze me.

I mean as long as I can pull out my cell phone, my most prized necessity within a couple of seconds, i’m fine.

And speaking of cell phones, I have figured out a very simple way to find this item asap and I am going to share my tip with you.

A few years ago ladies I started keeping my cell phone in a distinctive colored plastic eye glass case and ever since then I have never had any problems finding my cell phone in a hurry. Plus some other wonderful benefits of keeping my cell phone in a plastic eye glass case in my landfill of a purse that I get around to cleaning once every couple of months is:

-I have avoided getting my cell phone wet and ruining it due to the many bottles of lotion and hand sanitizer and pouches of Capri Sun Juices that I tote along in my purse.

-I have also avoided the arduous and lame-ass task of peeling off purse lint, stray hair from my pocket comb and multiple pieces of Jolly Ranchers Candy that have somehow come unwrapped from my cell phone.

-And sometimes when I am in a hurry I toss things in my purse carelessly which is no longer a problem because the eye glass case completely protects my cell phone from damage. So no matter if I toss a couple of coins, a sharp cornered compact disc, a heavy paperback book or a 20 ounce bottle of Mountain Dew in my purse abruptly, my cell phone is completely covered, literally!

So ladies if your purse is a portable junk drawer like mine is but you are too busy or too lazy to get rid of some of the clutter on a semi-regular basis but you still need to be able to locate your cell phone in a microsecond then take my advice and go out to your nearest Dollar Store, Dollar Tree, Kmart or Walmart and buy yourself a totally inexpensive but totally valuable in the long run plastic eye glass case to keep your cell phone in while it’s in your purse as soon as you possibly can!

WARNING: Your purse lint, stray hair from your pocket comb and Jolly Ranchers Candies certainly won’t like it but screw those bitches because the important thing is that YOU will personally like it and that’s all that matters.

P.S. And for those of you cell phone worry warts, if placed in the right plastic eye glass case you can still hear your cell phone ring as clear as a bell. No worries.

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Every week I take a trip out to the local Family Dollar Store to get a few items. From my home to the Family Dollar Store it is approximately a 15 minute walk. This past weekend I made my usual trip. Usually everything goes off without a hitch but not this time. You see on my 15 minute walks to and from Family Dollar I like to use the time to do some mental writing which usually entails coming up with something new to write about and post on my online blogs.

As I was walking home from Family Dollar and doing some thinking all of a sudden I came up with a clever line that one of my children’s story character’s could say. And as I so often do, I said the line outloud in the voice that I have imagined my children’s story character would talk in.

I was momentarily startled when out of nowhere a voice says, “Omigod!” When I turned around in the direction the voice had come from I was surprised to see a little old caucasian lady walking a few steps behind me tugging a small cart filled with groceries. My first thought was “Where the hell did this bitch come from?” since I usually have supersonic hearing and can tell instantly when someone comes up or walks behind me. However, I also know that sometimes when I really get into my mental writing I am literally transported into that world and am totally oblivious to everything around me. Basically, I don’t hear jack shit and this of course was one of those times.

After a few awkward seconds of eye contact with the little old caucasian lady I noticed in addition to tugging her small-ass cart of groceries she was also looking at me like I was totally crazy. Her expression was so comical that when I turned back around I immediately began laughing which the little old caucasian lady obviously heard with her only being steps behind because this time I hear her say, “Crazy kids!” quite loudly. As you can imagine this made me laugh even harder. A few seconds later, we both came to an intersection which I crossed and she made a right turn onto another street.

A few moments later as I was still thinking about my brief unusual encounter with the little old caucasian lady with a big ol’ smile on my face again I was momentarily surprised and I knew why. You see a couple of times in my life people from family members to friends to co-workers to total strangers have heard me talking aloud to myself and like most people I get a little embarrassed but not this time and again I knew the reason why.

Even though I was talking aloud to myself, I was working. I was mental writing and to me that’s legitimate work. And that’s just one of the many things that us writers do, we use our imaginations to picture what the characters in our stories will look like, how they will dress, their mannerisms, how they will talk and so much more. So technically I was only doing what was required of me. Something every writer does so there was absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about. I didn’t do anything wrong or strange although the little old caucasian lady seemed to think that I did.

In her eyes I wasn’t conforming to the usual rules of society which dictate that you don’t talk aloud to yourself in a public place. But who cares! I was on Saturday, April 7th and will be for the rest of my life proud of myself for laughing off the little old caucasian lady’s negative comments. So little old caucasian lady who was walking behind me on Saturday afternoon I just want to say that “I’m not crazy!” It just so happens that talking aloud to yourself when you’re a writer is not crazy but required because it is a vital part of the job! So take that, honey!

P.S. Writers all over the world and Elvis have left the building with their heads held high and we don’t care what other people say about us when we talk aloud to ourselves while we are working! After all, we’re modern day literary outlaws! We don’t conform, we change the world with our words and there ain’t no way in hell we’ll do the norm! So take that little old caucausian lady and all of you other haters out there! We writers, rule the world!

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Hey Junk Food Junkie Gals, let me give you a tip.


JFJ Gals, your date ain’t gonna’ be able to handle it and your stomach damn well ain’t gonna’ be able to handle this shit either! Literally!

Girl let me school ya’!

Your stomach is used to all of that beautiful artery clogging grease due to all of those thick-ass, stacked-ass double cheeseburgers with all of the fixins that you have been wolfin’ down and all of those long-ass salty-ass french fries drenched with catsup that you have been scarfin’ up and all of those golden brown fried twinkies loaded with so many damn preservatives that if you left the bitch for 100 years and came back, the damn twinkie would still be edible, that your gluttonous ass has been gobblin’ up!

Girl, that’s the shit that your stomach is used to! So Girl, don’t be goin’ and committin’ suicide all up on your date! Girl, let me tell ya’ that your date ain’t gonna’ like it, the police ain’t gonna’ like it, the paramedics ain’t gonna’ like it and your family and friends sure as hell ain’t gonna’ like being inconvenienced and having to dole out mad cash simply because your stupid-ass got herself killed by deciding to turn over a new health food leaf on your date! Girl, wake the fuck up! So Girl, quit it! But in your case, don’t begin it!

Girl, if your dumb junk food junkie ass wants to turn over a new health food leaf, choose a different appropriate time like a week or two before you have your annual physical examination at the doctor’s office! Girl, that’s the perfect time for your junk food eatin’ ass!

BUT and I mean a big-ass BUT, for all of my stubborn-ass Junk Food Junkie Gals absolutely determined to turn over a new health food leaf on their date then your dumb-ass had better come prepared! Girl, let me give you some more advice and I pray to God you’ll take it this time. For God’s sake, go to the nearest Walmart before you go on your date and stock up on these supplies.

A big-ass can of air freshner due to all of the fartin’ and shittin’ you’ll be doing all up in the bathroom, a tin of altoid mints due to your nasty stinky breath from all of the upchuckin’ that you’ll be doing all up in the bathroom, a couple packages of tums antacid due to all of the upchuckin’ you’ll be doing all up in the bathroom, an extra pair of drawers due to soiling yourself from all of the fartin’ and shittin’ that you’ll be doing all up in the bathroom, a “Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego Detective Kit” for your date so that he can find you and determine if you simply deserted his ass or your shits really take that long, some boxing gloves so that you can protect yourself from all of the punches and bitch-slaps that you’ll be receiving from the establishment’s staff for stinkin’ up their bathroom and cloggin’ up their toilet and last but not least a first aid kit so that you can patch yourself up from all of the punches and bitch-slaps that you received due to all of the fartin’, shittin’, upchuckin’ and toilet cloggin’ that you did all up in that establishment’s bathroom.

Girl, be prepared for World War 3 if you decide to change your eating habits right before you go out on a date!

And don’t say, my girl, Tina Knowledgeable Peden didn’t warn you!

Because I did!

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Every restaurateur should consider using address labels because they have so many unique uses in the culinary world. For example an address label can be cut into small strips and used to wax the hair off of the hands or arms of a hairy chef, they can also be put over the mouth to silence those “extremely annoying constantly complaining about the food” customers, they can also be placed around your cooking area to catch those pesky flies and gnats that always seem to appear when you have fresh fruit out in the open and oh yeah, they can also be used on your business mail too.

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To alot of landlords, domestic violence is a strange and foreign subject that they don’t know anything about and if the truth be told, don’t want to know anything about. But let me tell you landlords, that’s the kind of thinking that can not only get your tenant killed but it can also get you, your staff members and other tenants killed as well. Today, every landlord should know the basics about domestic violence because most likely it has or is happening to one of your tenants in an apartment or house that you own or manage.

Landlords, ask yourselves this. Can you live with yourself if you know that a woman is being beaten in one of your dwellings and you do absolutely nothing about it? Landlords, do you really want to own a property on which a woman was murdered due to domestic violence?

If you answered “no” to any of the two questions above, you are a true professional who should be very proud of themselves! You are a brave, intelligent and compassionate landlord who truly cares about the well-being of their tenants. With this attitude, you are now ready to learn the basics of domestic violence. First, let’s start with the definition.

Domestic violence (also called intimate partner abuse, battering or wife-beating) is physical, sexual, psychological, and economic abuse that takes place in the context of an intimate relationship. There are many forms of abuse that are inflicted upon a victim of domestic violence, however the abuse suffered by the victim is usually physical.

Domestic violence is used by one person in a relationship to maintain control over the other and to get what they want from the people who care about them. Partners may be married, not married, heterosexual, gay, lesbian, living together, separated or dating.

Some examples of domestic violence are:

– name-calling or put-downs

– keeping a partner from contacting their family or friends (isolation)

– withholding money

– stopping a partner from getting or keeping a job

– actual or threatened physical harm (slapping, punching, kicking)

– sexual assault (rape)

– stalking
– discouraging a partner from going to school or getting a degree

– intimidation

Batterers use domestic violence to create an atmosphere of fear in order to keep their victims “in line” and prevent them from being free self-sufficient individuals. Batterers also choose to abuse their victims and can act differently when they want to. Batterers are not “out of control” but have a severe compulsion to be in control. They basically want their victims to exist to meet THEIR needs not their own. Victims of domestic violence are often hesitant to report or leave their batterers for several reasons such as shame and embarrassment, guilt, financial or loss of income, retaliation by a batterer, lack of support from family and law enforcement or for fear that noone will believe them because the batterer acts entirely different in front of other people.

The violence inflicted upon a victim of domestic violence can be criminal and include physical assault (hitting, pushing, shoving), sexual abuse (unwanted or forced sexual activity) and stalking. Although emotional, psychological and financial abuse are not criminal they are forms of abuse which can lead to criminal domestic violence.

When it comes to domestic violence, anyone can be a victim! Victims can be of any age, sex, race, culture, religion, education, employment or marital status. Although both men and women are abused, most victims are women. Children in homes where there is domestic violence are more likely to be abused and/or neglected. Even if a child is not physically harmed, they may have emotional and behavioral problems due to domestic violence. Family pets such as cats, dogs, birds and hamsters can also be unfortunate victims of domestic violence.

Below are some brutal statistics about domestic violence that every landlord should know.

-1,000,000 incidents of violence against a current or former spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend are reported every year. -Three million women are physically abused by their husbands or boyfriends every year.

-At least one in every three women has been beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused during her lifetime, worldwide.

-Nearly one-third of American women report being physically or sexually abused by a husband or boyfriend at some point in their lives.

-Thirty percent of Americans say they know a woman who has been physically abused by her husband or boyfriend in the past year.

-In the year 2005, more than half a million American women were victims of nonfatal violence committed by an intimate partner.

-In 2005, women accounted for 85 percent of the victims of intimate partner violence and men accounted for approximately 15 percent of the victims.

In 2005, intimate partner violence made up 20 percent of violent crime against women. The same year, intimate partners committed 3 percent of all violent crime against men.

-As many as 400,000 women each year experience intimate partner violence during their pregnancy.

-Women of all races are about equally vulnerable to violence by an intimate partner.

-The most rapid growth in domestic relations caseloads is occurring in domestic violence filings. Between 1993 and 2005, 18 of 32 states with three year filing figures reported an increase of 20 percent or more.

-On average, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends in this country every day. In 2000, 1,247 women were killed by an intimate partner. The same year, 440 men were killed by an intimate partner.

-Women are much more likely than men to be killed by an intimate partner. In 2000, intimate partner homicides accounted for 33.5 percent of the murders of women and less than 4 percent of the murders of men.

-Pregnant and recently pregnant women are more likely to be victims of homicide than to die of any other cause, and evidence exists that a significant proportion of all female homicide victims are killed by their intimate partners.

-Domestic violence is the third largest health problem facing the gay and lesbian community today and trails only behind AIDS and substance abuse.

-Approximately one in five female high school students reports being physically and/or sexually abused by a dating partner.

-Forty percent of girls age 14 to 17 report knowing someone their age who has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend.

-In a national survey of more than 6,000 American families, 50 percent of the men who frequently assaulted their wives also frequently abused their children.

-Slightly more than half of female victims of intimate violence live in households with children under age 12.

-Studies suggest that between 4 to 10 million children witness some form of domestic violence annually.

Landlords, I know that alot of you out there may be very overwhelmed and shocked after reading some of the above statistics about domestic violence and wonder what the hell you can do about it. To be honest, very little since domestic violence is such a big problem, but doing something is a whole lot better than doing nothing. Landlords, below are a few things that you can do to decrease domestic violence on your property.

-If you can afford it and it is feasible, provide armed security guards in your apartment buildings and around the houses that you own or manage.

-Landlords, encourage your tenants to let you or management know if they suspect that another tenant is being abused so that you can encourage them to seek help.

-Landlords, if you suspect that one of your tenant’s is being abused, encourage them to seek help immediately and also obtain a restraining order!

-Place domestic violence literature in your apartment buildings and in your rental offices.

-Post emergency phone numbers (police & fire dept, d.v. hotline) on a bulletin board in your apartment buildings.
-Install a pay phone in your building for emergency situations.

-Take a queue from “neighborhood watch” areas and start a “domestic violence watch” in your apartment buildings.

-Landlords, don’t be a hero! If a domestic violence situation arises, call the police immediately and let them handle it! (Also encourage your tenants to do the same.)

-Landlords, be informed! Keep abreast of the domestic violence laws and shelters in your area.

-Ban firearms from your property.

-Landlords, pray to God for the safety of a tenant that you suspect is being abused.

In terms of domestic violence, there is only so much that a landlord can do, it really is up to the victim and the batterer to do their parts to break the cycle of domestic violence. But both parties must want to break it. If the victim and the batterer don’t try to break the cycle of domestic violence, the violence not only happens over and over again to the victim but if the victim and the batterer have children then another dreaded cycle of domestic violence can start all over again. And let’s face it, no victim of domestic violence wants history to repeat itself when it comes to their children. I mean, what mother wants to see her daughter become a victim of domestic violence. And certainly no victim of domestic violence ever wants to see her sweet little baby boy grow up and become a batterer who beats his wife and children and have the cycle of domestic violence carry on into the next generation.

Victims and batterers, stop the violence now! Break the cycle of domestic violence! For more information call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or for hearing impaired persons call 1-800-787-3224. Help is available 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.

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(Definition) What is the Green Movement – A phrase referring to individual action that a person can consciously take to curb harmful effects on the environment through consumer habits.

“Thank you for calling the Anti-Green Movement Hotline, The 10 Ways How Not To Go Green At Work Edition.”

“The purpose of this hotline is to give people who don’t give a rat’s butt about the environment bogus tips on how to piss off those irritatingly responsible environmental dogooders.”

“Office Energy Waster Tip Number 1: Waste The Hell Out Of Light!”

“Remember, energy wasters, artificial lighting accounts for 44 percent of the electricity use in office buildings so do your part to ruin the environment by making it a habit to turn on all the lights before you leave the office for the day.”

“P.S. This will also kill all the office plants too! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!”

“Also to really waste some major wattage, plug in a couple of night lights too.”

“Sure I realize that this may be an uncomfortable environment to work in due to all of the heat and brightness coming from all the lights but since nobody will be in the office, who the hell cares!”

“Waste that energy, sucka!”

“And again thank you for calling the Anti-Green Movement Hotline, The 10 Ways How To Not Go Green At Work Edition.”

“P.S. Before we hang up on your energy wasting butt, we here at this hotline would like for you to give yourselves a big round of applause for wasting 45 seconds of precious energy by using your phone to call this hotline! Keep up the good work you “good for nothing” energy waster and have a “nice energy wasting day!”

“Another P.S. Nothing in this script should be taken seriously. It’s for entertainment purposes only.”

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I wrote this piece back in 2006.

When I lived with my father, there were alot of things that I couldn’t do, because he told me that I couldn’t. I obeyed him mostly because of low self-esteem and fear. The primary reason why he told me that I couldn’t do these things was mostly due to the fact that my father was an extremely abusive alcoholic who made my childhood, teenage years and my adult life between the ages of 20-31 years of age, a living hell. I am 36 years old now and haven’t seen my father in over five years. These have been the happiest five years of my life.

While growing up, I had come to hate many things about my father but one of the things that I hated the most about him was his constant use of the word, “don’t”. He used that word so many times in my youth, that I had no tolerance for the word. But lately, I have come to realize that the word, “don’t” doesn’t have to be a negative word that it can actually be a powerful and positive educational tool.

As an adult child of an alcoholic, I feel that it is my responsibility to share some of my knowledge with other adult children of alcoholics that I think would be beneficial to them. Below are some “don’ts” that they might want to consider.

1. DON’T be afraid to cut off all contact with your alcoholic parent. I absolutely had to! There was no other choice for me. I just got so sick of living in fear and the constant lying that I was always doing, just so that I could appear like I came from a normal loving family. It was just too much for me. I got the hell out.

2. DON’T be afraid of intimacy. I know from experience that children of alcoholics can be very secretive when it comes to their personal lives, more so than a child who grew up with a non-alcoholic parent. Unfortunately, because of this secretiveness, it makes it harder to open up to people. And if you can’t open yourself up to a person, you can never really build lasting and loving relationships. Do yourself a favor and open up your heart, mind and soul to others even though there is a chance that you may get hurt. But, always remember the old saying, “No Pain, No Gain.”

3. DON’T be afraid to get counseling. I was terrified because the thought of anyone knowing that my life wasn’t “normal” like everybody else’s, embarrassed me. I was too ashamed to get counseling for a long time, but when I did, I learned that there were more dysfunctional families like mine out there than I ever imagined. I finally realized that I was not alone and that made me feel good. Whether it’s individual or group counseling, just go.

4. DON’T be afraid to tell your alcoholic parent that you don’t love them. At one time in my life, I did love my father. But my father has done so many terrible and hurtful things that I stopped loving him a long time ago. For quite a while, I felt very bad about this because in our society, there is an unspoken rule that children should love their parents. But the reality of life is that not all parents are good. Some of them are bad people and make it impossible to love them. Remember, that just because you don’t love a parent doesn’t make you a monster. You are not going to hell because of this. You are just being honest with yourself and the parent.

5. DON’T be afraid to try new things. Throughout my childhood, my father always told me that I would fail at certain things even though I hadn’t even tried them. As you can imagine, this left me with a profound fear of failing. But through counseling, I learned that it’s okay to fail. Just be proud of yourself for trying and making an effort to do something new.

6. Don’t be afraid to question God about your alcoholic parent. All my life, especially in my childhood, I would often ask God questions like: “Why me?” “Why couldn’t I have had a father like Bill Cosby from The Cosby Show?” “What did I do in my mother’s womb that was so terrible that I had to be born into such a dysfunctional family?” “Don’t you love me God? If you do, why do you let my father hurt me so terribly?” I did this because I had a right to and most importantly I needed answers. In God’s own way, I believe he has responded to alot of the questions that I have asked. Some of the responses I have liked, some I have not. But I had to ask. And I did.

To the many adult children of alcoholics: I really hope that you consider some of the things that I have said in this article. You don’t have to agree with them, or even like them, simply consider them. That’s the only thing that I ask you to do.

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