Posts tagged Toothpaste


NecessitiesTotallySuckItis is a painful temporary swelling of the face and vocal cords triggered by a traumatic trip to the grocery store. It is usually caused when an individual buys all of the things on their list at the grocery store but once everything is rung up in the checkout lane the individual discovers that he or she doesn’t have enough money to buy everything so they have to put a couple of important items back like the cheesecake, pizza and beer and keep the stupid-ass things like the toilet paper, shampoo and toothpaste thereby making the individual so mad that he or she loudly exclaims right in the damn store that necessities totally suck in an extremely hoarse voice.

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(Definition) Choppers Complex 22 is a psychological condition in which an individual won’t eat or drink anything for twenty-two hours after they brush their teeth for fear that they will get their teeth dirty too soon thus giving them only 2 lousy hours out of the entire day to scarf and drink some shit down which really pisses them the hell off and often makes them go apeshit really easily.

I will now use this term in a couple of sentences to clarify it’s meaning.

“Look at that good-lookin’ guy with the tight cute ass and a major case of choppers complex 22 freak the fuck out just because his girlfriend got her nasty-ass smelly saliva and tacky-ass blood red lipstick all over his beautiful white teeth!”

“When Dr. Martin, the orthodontist with alzheimer’s disease, suggested to a couple of his college-aged patients with choppers complex 22 that they do a couple of jello shots for him while they were on Spring Break this year they all voted unanimously to beat the living shit out of his forgetful ass with a stainless-steel-girls-gone-wild-gelatin-mold.”

“Hey mommy! Listen to this song that I wrote while slacking off in Mrs. Keane’s spelling class:
Ralphie Conner has choppers complex 22,
He is a total fruitcake and the class thinks he’s really cuckoo,
Because of all the jacked-up shit me and the class have done to him his tired-ass mama has decided to sue,
So here’s Officer Jackson with a subpoena baby just for you,
Hey mommy come back don’t run cause’ there ain’t a damn thing that you can do,
Hey bitch, you’re getting sued! Woowho!
P.S. Mom, have I told you lately that I really love slacking off in school and you too!
By the by mom, please don’t whoop my ass when we get home, boo hoo boo hoo!”

And last but not least, I would like to send a big ol’ heavenly shout out to the beautiful and talented, Farrah Fawcett with the gorgeous choppers! For an example, check out the famous 70’s poster of Farrah in a red bathing suit which I have included with this blog post. Hey Charlie’s Angel, this heterosexual black girl thinks that you rocked the fucking planet while you were here, you are sorely missed!

P.S. As a former domestic violence victim myself, I want to personally take the time to thank you for your brilliant portrayal of a domestic violence victim in the classic tv movie, The Burning Bed! Because of you, angel, domestic violence was brought out into the open and so much has been done to stop it. Thank you! My only sadness when it comes to you angel is that unfortunately you died on the same day as Michael Jackson and got somewhat lost in the drama. But I just wanted to let you know Farrah that Michael Jackson’s death may have stolen alot of your thunder but to alot of your true fans like me we mourned you vigorously right along with the King of Pop himself! Farrah Fawcett, my favorite Charlie’s Angel, you will forever be missed! God bless you and Michael Jackson! (I am a big fan of his too!) Rest in heavenly peace, babies, rest in heavenly peace!

By the by, I absolutely loved that awesome iconic 70’s hairstyle of yours! It was totally awesome and so are you!

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“What’s up with all of these toothpaste companies making “sensitive” toothpaste or toothpaste for “sensitive” teeth?”

“I mean can somebody tell me when our teeth became such wimps!”

“Question, if you brush your teeth too hard with “sensitive” toothpaste do you have to apologize to it?”

“I’m sorry”
“So sorry”
“Please accept my apology!”

(At this time I would like to like to send a shout out to kick-ass country pop singer, Brenda Lee! And girlie, I just love that song!)

“Anyhoo, back to the show!”

“Before you use “sensitive” toothpaste do you have to take some kind of sensitivity training so that you don’t offend it?”

“If you use “sensitive” toothpaste how do you get it out of the tube? I mean, I don’t think that you’re allowed to squeeze it because that might be considered too violent a move So what the hell do you do?. Do you have to talk to the “sensitive” toothpaste in a nice soothing voice and hope that it will come out of the tube all by itself?”

“And what if the “sensitive” toothpaste sees you using another brand of toothpaste will it start to cry or flip out on us supermodel Naomi Campbell style? I mean, I know it may sound selfish but I don’t want a big-ass dent in the side of my head from a thrown cellphone! But that’s just me.”

“I mean, can people who have had nervous breakdowns in the past use “sensitive” toothpaste? In other words, can me or Mariah Carey go near it?”

“Oh God will someone please tell me why toothpaste has to be so damn “sensitive” and complicated in the millenium!”

P.S. The Colgate Sensitive Toothpaste Brand just called to let everyone know that it left the building about 15 minutes ago and that it was very hurt that nobody came out to say goodbye to it.

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This is a comedy script that I wrote back in October 2007.

Hey did you know that Close-up makes chocolate toothpaste and sells it over in the Phillipines?”

“Yesterday, my father asked me how come Closeup doesn’t sell chocolate toothpaste here in America.”

“I can sum the reason up in six words.”

(Comic should emphasize strongly the following six words for maximum effect.)


“And before some of ya’ll object, I just wanna’ say………………………………………………”

(Comic should sing the chorus of the Milli Vanilli song, “Girl You Know It’s True.” Comic should simply substitute the word “love” for “know.”)

“Girl, you know it’s true.”
“Ooh, Ooh, Ooh I know you.”
“Yes, you know it’s true.”
“Ooh, Ooh, Ooh I know you.”

“I mean come on ladies let’s face it, American women get pissed off enough when men leave the cap off of a regular tube of toothpaste and a few stray hairs and some burnt toast crumbs accidentally get into it. (I mean ladies, what’s up! A man’s gotta’ eat and comb his hair, right?) But God help a man if he leaves the cap off of a tube of some chocolate toothpaste. It’s over!”

(Comic should imitate an angry female voice and should pretend to wave a tube of toothpaste in the air.)

“Brian, what’s this! There’s no cap on the chocolate toothpaste! (Comic should gasp loudly and point his finger accusingly.) You were the last one to use it! I know! I know Brian! I know what you did last summer and I know what you did here today! I can’t believe you didn’t put the cap back on the chocolate toothpaste! Brian, I trusted you, I loved you, I gave you the best fifteen years of my life and you do this to me! Brian, pack your bags and get your lazy selfish ass the hell out! And don’t forget to put the cap back on the chocolate toothpaste before you go!”

“I’m telling ya’ every man in America had better pray that Closeup never decides to sell Chocolate toothpaste in America because every man in America will find himself living with another man in America for leaving the cap off of the chocolate toothpaste.”

“Men, let me sum it up like this, if you and a tube of chocolate toothpaste were both trapped in a burning building and your woman could only rescue one of you. Well…………………….”

(Comic should start to laugh.)

“Men, you can kiss your butt goodbye! Because it ain’t gonna’ be you that your woman rescues from that burning building.”

“Your woman and the tube of chocolate toothpaste will be outside the burning building after the rescue laughing, roasting marshmallows and saying to the building, “burn baby burn!”

“Your toast brother!”

“Which according to your woman shouldn’t bother you anyway because your lazy, selfish ass does nothing but leave the cap off of the chocolate toothpaste and get burnt toast crumbs in it so you should feel right at home in that burning building turning to toast.”

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