Posts tagged Vagina

TINA “KNOWLEDGEABLE” PEDEN’S SEX & FOOD GUIDE! (VOLUME 3)


A great man named Tim Bayliss (portrayed brilliantly by actor, Kyle Secor) once said these kick-ass inspirational words to fellow homicide detective, Rene Sheppard (portrayed decently by the beautiful model/actress, Michael Michele) when she asked him how he would describe himself sexually in a ground breaking Season 7 episode entitled, Closet Cases, on the 90’s hit NBC television show, Homicide: Life on the Street and I happily and huskily quote……….

“Interested in the beauty and wonders of the universe, open to all of the various complexities and possibilities of existence, bicurious.”

Oh, yeah, Tim baby, oh yeah!

P.S.    To view this ground breaking scene from Season 7 of Homicide: Life on the Street please click on Tim Bayliss is bicurious and I love it!

And for those of you who don’t have the ability to read between the lines, big ol’ cute as a button boy next door officer with access to plenty of handcuffs Tim Bayliss meant that he was totally open to banging both women and men. Heteroflexible, to be more precise. Basically when it comes to sex, Tim Bayliss is open to more than one thing and anything goes.

So in honor of esteemed and kinky-ass officer Tim Bayliss no matter whether you are a heterosexual or homosexual guy or a heterosexual or homosexual gal, I want you to go online and purchase yourself a Sybian machine.

Once your Sybian machine arrives, strip down or leave all of your clothes on except for your drawers of course then sit yourself comfortably down on the machine. And it’s up to you how you want to take it. Ladies, you have the option to take it up the ass or the vagina. Guys, i’m afraid that your choices are a bit more limited and you have no choice but to take the Sybian machine’s dildo up the ass. Guys, boo hoo hoo for you! (Guys, i’m being totally sarcastic here because both you and I know that you are going to have some low down and dirty fun!)

Anyhoo once you select the speed of your choice on the Sybian, close your eyes and let the good vibrations wash all over you. Guys and gals don’t forget to take a couple of sips of the screwdriver (Vodka and orange juice) that you already mixed up and is sitting in a glass next to the Sybian machine.

And last but not least, while you are riding the Sybian and sipping your screwdriver don’t forget to do as Tim Bayliss did and think on bi terms. Gals whether it is your ultimate sexual fantasy to be double penetrated by two men at the same time or guys if it is your ultimate sexual fantasy to have a three way with a black woman and a white woman, just think in bi terms!

KNOWLEDGEABLE TIP: Remember, two is better than one! And when it comes to sex, two means double the fun! So again guys and gals when it comes to sex take the Tim Bayliss approach and be bicurious! Be open to all of the various complexities and possibilities of existence! And I guarantee that your sex life will get better because of your new bi attitude! Come on, don’t just live a little, live big! And also remember that curiosity may have killed the cat but it certainly didn’t kill the sex. Thank god!

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TINA KNOWLEDGEABLE PEDEN’S SEX & FOOD GUIDE! (VOLUME 2)


Hey guys, bisexual gals or straight up lesbians, if you wake up one morning and decide to have some super cinnamon toast for breakfast or in sex terms, a life sized inflatable black female doll slathered from head to toe with warm butter, cinnamon and sugar and are ready to chow down on it but all of a sudden the doll bursts and starts to deflate, take my knowledgeable advice and don’t get your panties or any other organ into a wad, simply turn a bitter lemon into sweet lemonade meaning instead of having yummy super cinnamon toast for your breakfast have yummy super cinnamon flat ass pancakes instead. As Campbell Soup and inflatable doll aficionados say, “Mmmm, mmmm good!”

KNOWLEDGEABLE TIP:   Remember people, when it comes to good yummy sex one must do as the successful comedians do: Improvise, improvise, improvise! In sex terms, Improvisation and The Second City Comedy Club in Chicago totally rules!

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TINA KNOWLEDGEABLE PEDEN’S SEX & FOOD GUIDE! (VOLUME 1)


For all of you nasty ass boys and gals or nasty ass gals and gals out there who love sex that hurts so good try the poppin’ ass cherry! Heteros and lesbos after some long-ass foreplay simply pop a package or two of cherry pop rocks up your lady’s snatch, put an ear up to it then once you hear that pussy go snap crackle pop then fellas insert that hot dick of yours or lesbos insert that hot dildo of yours into your lady’s poppin’ ass cherry pussy and get to pop pop poppin’ off yourself! Hey fellas and lesbos, after poppin’ off that dick or dildo in your lady’s pussy, ease your dick or dildo out then insert that poppin’ ass cherry dick or dildo into her ass and pop pop pop off in there too! And as a literal cherry on top – fellas and lesbos once you are finished poppin’ off in your lady’s pussy and ass take that cherry flavored dick or dildo out and when it comes to the secretions and cum left on that dick or dildo, do as Winona Ryder in the kick-ass 80’s cult movie classic, ‘Heathers’ says, “Lick it up baby! Lick it up!” In sex terms, couples when it comes to the poppin’ ass cherry every woman no matter how fucking experienced she is sexually can be pure as the driven snow again when it comes to this sexual technique.

KNOWLEDGEABLE TIP:   Hey couples, if your partner is an olympic secretor, then sop up some of that wet sticky cherry cum and put it into a tupperware container and refrigerate it then pop it out at least thirty minutes before your next sexual encounter and use it as homemade lubricant. Remember, in this economy even when it comes to sex, waste not want not baby! Waste not want not!

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TINA KNOWLEDGEABLE PEDEN’S DATING TIPS FOR MEN! (TIP 1) THIS ONE IS FOR MY NO NONSENSE BOYS!


Hey No Nonsense Guys, if during the course of your date the female that you are out with takes a bad spill due to the 10 inch stilleto heels that she is wearing, No Nonsense Guys do the right thing and help her ass up!

I know that this may be difficult for a No Nonsense Guy to do because your logical reasoning is that your female companion claimed previously to you before you asked her out on a date that she was a strong intelligent millenium woman and you feel strongly that you would be going against her wishes by helping her ass up because any strong intelligent millenium woman would have common sense enough to know not to step foot (pun intended) out of the damn house in a pair of 10 inch stilleto heels in the first damn place especially on a first date! I mean, what the fuck! What is this? The damn seventies! I mean, platform shoes are out baby girl!

No Nonsense Guys, I know that you think your female companion knew the damn risks when she put the 10 inch stilleto shoes on and her strong intelligent millenium ass knew damn well that it was more than probable during the course of the date that she would eventually either fall flat on her ass or face down kissin’ pavement thereby looking all stupid and shit in front of you and all of the other people in the establishment that you are a patron at. The shit was just fucking inevitable! So since she is a strong intelligent millenium woman she absolutely must take responsiblility for her own stupid-ass actions and she is also absolutely capable of scraping her own ass off of the floor and she absolutely doesn’t need you to help her do it being that she is a strong intelligent millenium woman.

No Nonsense Guys, I will concede that you have made several excellent points! I give you props for that HOWEVER no matter how much in your heart and soul that you think that it was entirely your date’s fault that she took a bad spill due to her own stupidity and she got exactly what she deserved by being totally stupid ass by wearing 10 inch stilleto heel shoes on your date, PLEASE GIVE HER A DAMN BREAK! (And to all of my 10 inch stilleto heel shoe wearing girls, no pun intended gurrrl, I really hope that you girls are okay and didn’t break any bones or anything!)

Anyhoo, movin’ on!

No Nonsense Guys, let me clue your rigid minds to the fact that your female companion only wore those stupid ass 10 inch stilleto shoes for your ass to entice you into noticing how sexy and beguiling her legs and feet are and how good those sexy legs and feet would look wrapped around your rigid-minded ass when you “do the nasty” later on so basically No Nonsense Guys by not helping your date’s ass up after she takes a bad spill in 10 inch stilleto heel shoes that she wore expressly for you, you are ruining your chances of “hittin’ that” or “gettin’ some” from your date later on which is incredibly stupid!

No Nonsense Guys, do the right and gentlemenly thing for your date, yourself and your penis by helping your date up after she falls on her ass or flat on her fucking face due to the 10 inch stilleto heel shoes that she was wearing for you.

Also give her another chance to prove to you that she truly is a strong intelligent millenium woman and not a total MO-ron for wearing 10 inch stilleto heel shoes on your date. (And by the by, I love the seventies and platform shoes! They totally rocked the boat and didn’t tip the boat or your date over! P.S. I love you Hues Corporation!)

Remember, No Nonsense Guys, your date is simply an innocent woman with stupid-ass retro judgment who simply wanted to look sexy for you on your date so that she could get into your pants later. No biggie! Please give her another chance!

But for all of my No Nonsense Guys who still are on the fence about whether to help your date’s ass up after she takes a bad spill due to the 10 inch stiletto heel shoes that she’s wearing because you don’t want to be an ENABLER! Dudes, get a damn life and get the fuck off of that high horse that you are on and you might also want to take that big-ass stick shoved up your ass too!

No Nonsense Guys, you are going to get some poontang later which is something most normal heterosexual guys want at the end of their dates! Especially on a first date! So stop being a total fucking MO-ron yourself and help your date up off of her ass or face when she takes a bad spill due to wearing 10 inch stiletto heel shoes on your date!

Geez!

Is chivalry truly dead in the millenium?

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TINA “KNOWLEDGEABLE” PEDEN’S GREETING CARDS IN BLOG POST! (GREETING CARD 6)


Hey fellas, here is an imaginary get well greeting card that is sure to make you feel better if you’re feeling under the weather.
(Guys, use your imagination! Picture this…….)
Name of imaginary greeting card:
Hoo-Ha Pie
Script Text:
(Pretty girl is in a blank setting then says in a sexy but sympathetic way)
“Poor baby, I heard that you weren’t feeling so well, so I decided to do something to make you feel a whole lot better.”
(Pretty girl is now in a kitchen setting)
“Honey, I stopped by the grocery store and picked you up (pretty girl holds up each item) some chicken soup, crackers, orange juice, vitamin c and a can of whipped cream so that I can make you my extra special “get well” dessert.”
(Pretty girl smiles coyly and holds on to the can of whipped cream)
(A recipe card for Hoo-Ha Pie now appears on the screen)
Hoo-Ha Pie
Ingredients:
1 can of whipped cream
1 Hoo-Ha
(Camera pans down to a close up of the pretty girl wearing sexy underwear, basically a crotch shot)
(Camera then slowly moves upward to the pretty girl’s face)
“Let me show you how to make it. (Pretty girl demonstrates) Spray whipped cream liberally on the hoo-ha area, then eat and enjoy!”
“And honey, remember that Hoo-Ha Pie is best served hot!”
(Pretty girl winks at camera)
“Bye, hope that this made you feel better.”
(Pretty girl then says in sweet voice)
(PUNCHLINE)
“And incidentally if it didn’t…………..”
(Short pause)
(Pretty girl then says in a loud fake joking voice)
“Screw you, sucka’! You deserve to be in pain!”
(Pretty girl returns to the sweet voice)
“Bye, sweetie.”
(Pretty girl waves goodbye)
(End of imaginary greeting card)

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HERE IS A POEM THAT I WROTE ESPECIALLY FOR CAT LOVERS AND…. OH YEAH, THOSE PEOPLE WHO LIKE TO MASTERBATE!


And it goes a little something like this!

My cat just caught me masterbating!

Oh, it was so fucking embarrassing and extremely degrading!

I mean, one day I woke up so horny that I didn’t feel like waiting for my boyfriend, John,

So I took out my pink jelly rabbit vibrator and decided to get it the hell on!

I turned on some music then stripped off all of my clothes until I was butt-ass bare,

Then stuck the quivering vibrator into my vagina right below my clit and curly black pubic hair.

After 18 minutes I was in heaven nothing else mattered I didn’t have a care,

But then I heard a noise from over there.

I thought I was alone I slowly looked over in despair.

My cat was sitting on my bedroom windowsill watching me with a disgusted shocked-ass stare!

Oh the injustice of it all, it was not fucking fair!

To be caught by my cat masterbating with my freshly waxed legs thrown high in the air!

I felt so awful so full of shame!

My damn cat caught me when I barely just came!

Unfortunately things between me and my cat will never be the same!

Because I got caught by my cat masterbating to the song, “Give It To Me Baby” courtesy of soul singer Rick James!

By the by, I would like to send a heavenly shout out to the funkmaster himself, Rick James! Rick, I am and always will be a big fan of your music! Rest in peace nasty baby, rest in peace! And this heavenly shout out Rick was sent out up to you from Tina “Knowledgeable” Peden, bitch! That’s right heavenly funkmaster, you’re Rick James, bitch and i’m Tina “Knowledgeable” Peden, bitch!

Also, I love and really miss the Rick James comedy skits that brilliant comedian, Dave Chappelle from the Chappelle Show used to do! They were fantastic!

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