Posts tagged Valentine’s Day

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY TO ALL OF YOU SEXUALLY ACTIVE COUPLES OUT THERE! THIS ONE’S FOR YOU!


LOVEY BOO!  (A Song Written By Tina Knowledgeable Peden)

(VERSE 1)

-Valentine’s Day, oh boy, the kinky love,
-My baby’s gonna’ spank my nasty-ass with his ultra-ribbed pleasure glove,
-Fucking, bucking and sucking all of those yummy chocolate-covered balls,
-Oh god, oh god, oh god, I just love having sex with my baby after hearing steamy-ass 1900 calls,
-Because . . . . . . . . . .

(CHORUS)

-I love you,
-I want you,
-I need you, Lovey Boo,
-I know this shit sounds mushy, gushy,
-But it’s true, Lovey Boo,
-Happy Valentine’s Day to you my sweet, Lovey Boo,
-P.S. Be sure to preserve your strength because tonight i’m gonna’ fuck the shit outta’ you,
-Cause’ I love you and I always will my sweet, Lovey Boo!

(VERSE 2)

-Valentine’s Day, oh girl, the hot and healthy sex,
-My honey’s gonna’ sprinkle my body all over with some tasty-ass yogurt-covered wheat chex,
-Sniffin’, ticklin’ and lickin’ all of those edible cherry-flavored red roses and pussy willows,
-Oh god, oh god, oh god, I just love comin’ in my honey’s mouth while propped up on her heart-shaped red satin pillows,
-Because . . . . . . . . . .

(CHORUS)

-I love you,
-I want you,
-I need you, Lovey Boo,
-I know this shit sounds mushy, gushy,
-But it’s true, Lovey Boo,
-Happy Valentine’s Day to you my sweet, Lovey Boo,
-P.S. Be sure to preserve your strength because tonight i’m gonna’ fuck the shit outta’ you,
-Cause’ I love you and I always will my sweet, Lovey Boo!

(VERSE 3)

-Well, my sweet, as Valentine’s Day and night comes to a close,
-Of course I want to thank you for having sex with me and taking off all of your clothes,
-Cause’ baby when it comes to phenomenal sex me and only heaven knows,
-That you are perfection and make me feel so damn good from my head to my toes,
-And that’s why . . . . . . . . . .

(CHORUS)

-I love you,
-I want you,
-I need you, Lovey Boo,
-I know this shit sounds mushy, gushy,
-But it’s true, Lovey Boo,
-Happy Valentine’s Day to you my sweet, Lovey Boo,
-P.S. Be sure to preserve your strength because tonight i’m gonna’ fuck the shit outta’ you,
-Cause’ I love you and I always will my sweet, Lovey Boo!

(VERSE 4)

-But seriously my love, now, I want to thank you by going all old school on your sexy, delectable-ass,
-When I was a kid on Valentine’s Day, I just loved getting miniature greeting cards and boxes of candy hearts with messages on them in class,
-So here’s my sweet-ass heart-shaped “let’s go steady so we can hold hands” candy-coated inscribed verbal message expressly for you,
-No matter whether it’s Valentine’s Day or any ol’ regular day of the year, I just want you to know that I will forever love you and sometimes wanna’ fuck you, my sweet Lovey Boo!
-Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Just kidding! And without further sexual ado . . . . . . . . . .

(CHORUS)

-I love you,
-I want you,
-I need you, Lovey Boo,
-I know this shit sounds mushy, gushy,
-But it’s true, Lovey Boo,
-Happy Valentine’s Day to you my sweet, Lovey Boo,
-P.S. Be sure to preserve your strength because tonight i’m gonna’ fuck the shit outta’ you,
-Cause’ I love you and I always will my sweet, Lovey Boo!

And to view some of my other songs/lyrics please click on or go to the website below.  http://songbay.co/artists/4490

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OXYMORON ALERT: HERE’S A FEW QUESTIONABLE TIPS FOR ALL OF MY HETEROSEXUAL GUYS OUT THERE THIS VALENTINE’S DAY COURTESY OF “A CHARLIE BROWN THANKSGIVING!”


– Hey guys, if a pushy big nosed tri-freckled on each cheek tomboy absolutely insists on inviting herself and two of her friends over to your house uninvited guerrilla-no-kind-of-manners style for Valentine’s Day dinner with you and your family, don’t be a blockhead or a gentleman, either interrupt her insensitive never letting anyone get a word in edgewise ass by yelling loudly into the phone, “Hell no! Hell no! Hell no!” then soundly hanging up or wait for her insensitive ass to come to your home then dump the 6.66 gallons of heart shaped Valentine’s Day candy inscribed with the message, “I have no interest in you whatsoever you crazy bitch! Now get the hell off of my property!” all over her and her two unfortunate friends. But in the event that this chick still doesn’t get the message that you are just not that into her, call the police on her dumb ass with your pink and red heart shaped phone that you use only on Valentine’s Day or other special occasions where you have to deal with psychos.

– Hey guys, if you happen to meet a sweet intelligent brunette who likes to wear John Lennon style spectacles named Marcie who also prefers to refer to pushy aggressive women as “sir” on Valentine’s Day, do yourselves a major fucking favor and snatch her no doubt fantastic in the bedroom kinky ass up quick before some other motherfucker snatches up this rare jewel! Hey guys, good sexually adept kinky ass girls who refer to pushy aggressive women as “sir” are hard to find especially on Valentine’s Day!

– Hey guys, if you happen to run into a girl from your childhood named Lucy who constantly use to prank your young gullible ass back in the day by asking you to kick a football while she holds it then pulls it away at the last minute just as you were about to kick that sucker to the moon, get your revenge on her shedevil ass for the many times that you wound up on your ass by immediately texting her photo to every football player on Twitter with a short message about the prank and don’t forget to tell them what a lousy punt she was, too. Oh, i’m sorry guys, I meant, lousy cunt she was. Sorry about that! I don’t want to get into trouble for not being grammatically correct! Anyhoo fellas, with justified revenge like this, let me tell you that I bet you a shitload of money that she won’t be pulling that prank again on anyone else except Tim Tebow which I know for sure would be damn fine with alot of folks!  Oh, snap!

– Hey guys, especially guys named Charles or Chuck, on Valentine’s Day or any other time of the damn year do your damndest to try to avoid irritating delusional baseball lovin’ girls who secretly think that you like them who are nicknamed after a chocolate mint. I mean, come on guys, that’s just plain common sense right there!

– And last but not least guys, when a good friend with a name like Linus constantly helps you to find solutions to your easy-ass problems because your so damn spineless and wishy washy, do something special for him on Valentine’s Day by ditching your wife or girlfriend to have a bros over hos night out! Guys rent a hotel room for the night at any hotel that has many big screens tvs playing ESPN in the lounge while you hang out for a while getting pissed on booze and using your friend Linus’ blue blanket to snap the asses of all of the other drunken men in the bar as they pass by you guys to go take a leak, a shit or fix their hair. And when you guys finally get tired of that shit, continue your bromance in your hotel room by watching a couple of hours of the rented dvd, I Love You, Man, that you brought along with you while you munch on the hot wings, onion rings and tequila that you ordered up from room service. And when you guys finally get done with that shit, giggle and twirl your hair manly style while you talk about the hotness and big breastedness of some of the women that you both would like to bang in the future while simultaneously prank calling random names from your ephonebook. And guys don’t forget to give your friend Linus a nice manly hug and the big ol’ box of heart shaped chocolates and goofy Snoopy and Woodstock Valentine’s Day friendship card that you got him at some point during your bros over hos Valentine’s Day night out!

AND TO ALL OF MY HETEROSEXUAL GUYS OUT THERE, HAVE A HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY AND TRY NOT TO BREAK ALOT OF FEMALE HEARTS OR VAGINAS, YOU SLY DOGS! WOOF! WOOF!

P.S.    And guys, like the York Peppermint Patty slogan says, “I hope on Valentine’s night you all get the sensation!!!”

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TINA KNOWLEDGEABLE PEDEN’S GREETING CARDS IN A BLOG POST! (GREETING CARD 9) HERE IS A SPECIAL RETRO CARD JUST FOR YOU REGULAR JOES OUT THERE!


SCRIPT TYPE: Long Electronic Greeting Card
TITLE: Valentine’s Day Smackdown 2005

Setting: This scene takes place in a Wrestling ring. There is a huge banner with words, Valentine’s Day Smackdown 2005, on it. It hangs over the ring.

Characters: In one corner you have Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. In an opposite corner you have Kevin Jamison and his wife Shelley. The announcer is in the middle of the ring. The announcer introduces the couples. He speaks loudly but clearly into the microphone. He points at each couple as he introduces them.

Announcer: “Our champs, Brad and Jennifer are rich, have glamourous careers, are ood-looking and physically fit.”

“The challengers, Kevin and Shelley currently live paycheck to paycheck, work at dead-end 9 to 5 jobs, are ordinary-looking and slightly overweight.”

“And the winner of Valentine’s Day Smackdown 2005 is Kevin and Shelley!”

“Why?”

“Because Kevin and Shelley will be CELEBRATING Valentine’s Day this year.”

(P.S. Brad and Jennifer won’t be because they separated in January 2005 mostly because of his adulterous love affair with that homewrecker humanitarian slut, Angelina Jolie.)

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HEY GAY GUYS, HERE’S A SPECIAL VALENTINE’S DAY TREAT JUST FOR YOU!


This is a humor piece written especially for all of you gay guys out there! Enjoy!

With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, I know that alot of you fellows will be going home to spend the holiday with your families. Some of you will also be taking along your future husband-to-be to meet your parents for the first time.

Gay Guys, fathers you really don’t have to worry about because basically as long as the boyfriend doesn’t drink up all of the beer, eat up all of the hamburgers and chocolate marshmallow hearts, talk too much or block the television while a sporting event is on they’re okay with Dad, but when it comes to Mothers and their gay sons, guys watch out!

Gay Guys, let me give you a valuable piece of advice, a couple of days before you make the trip to his parent’s house be sure to pump your boyfriend thoroughly for details on his Mother. Ask him about things that she likes and MOST IMPORTANTLY things that she doesn’t like done in her house especially during the Valentine’s Day holiday! To give you an idea of exactly what I am talking about, I have included a couple of examples below of what not to do in your boyfriend’s mamas house if you want to continue to keep that big-ass 7 carat diamond ring on your finger.

ATHEIST MAMA HOUSE RULE:
“Don’t ever disrespect the actress, Jodie Foster in front of your boyfriend’s Atheist Mama! What are you crazy!”

Gay Guys, ever since her iconic and to atheists everywhere inspirational role in the movie, “Contact” as Dr. Eleanor Arroway, you know the “I-don’t-believe-in-God-I-believe-in-Science character she portrayed, Jodie Foster has achieved “God-like” status in every atheist home around the world.

So, before your boyfriend takes you home to meet his Atheist Mama for the first time, memorize the following words below.

“Praise Jodie, Love Jodie, Be One With Jodie But Don’t Ever Disrespect Jodie!”

Remember, when you are talking to your boyfriend’s Atheist Mama try to say as many nice things about Jodie Foster as you possibly can. I have included two examples below.

Example 1:
“The roast and potatoes that you cooked for dinner tonight Mrs. Watson tasted fantastic but Jodie Foster could have done a much better job than you.”

Example 2:
“I just loved the movie, “Freaky Friday” Ms. Jones! You know the one with Jodie Foster not the remake with that skank ho’ alcoholic Lindsay Lohan.”

Really lay it on thick! Really butter your boyfriend’s Atheist Mama up!

SPANISH SPEAKING MAMA HOUSE RULE:
“What the hell did she say? Don’t tell a Spanish Speaking Mama that you speak the Spanish language when you don’t!”

Gay Guys, if your definition of speaking Spanish consists of words and phrases like “mucho hungry”, “yucky agua”, “delicious tortilla”, “nice sombrero” or “I love Jose Cuervo tequila” i’m here to tell you that’s not speaking Spanish! Well, I mean technically it is because you have used a couple of Spanish words but just because you know a couple of Spanish words doesn’t mean that you are fluent in the Spanish language.

So don’t go telling a Spanish Speaking Mama that you speak Spanish when you clearly don’t!

Gay Guys, if you are stupid enough to disregard my words be prepared for the rest of the Valentine’s Day holiday to have your boyfriend’s Spanish Speaking Mama calling you every derogatory Spanish name in the book and to your face while you’re nodding your head, “yes” because you don’t know what the hell she is saying because you don’t speak Spanish. You’ll look like a damn fool and ain’t no way a Spanish Speaking Mama is going to let her baby marry a damn fool like you!

Boyfriend, stop the madness and take a “How to Speak Spanish Class” asap!

OVERWEIGHT MAMA HOUSE RULE:
“Lick it up baby! Eat whatever food your boyfriend’s Overweight Mama puts on your damn plate and you won’t have no problems!”

When it comes to an Overweight Mama you had better damn well eat whatever food she puts on your plate and it doesn’t matter if you don’t like it or are allergic to it, just suck it up and eat it bitch!

Gay Guys, if you don’t, an Overweight Mama will have it set in her mind that you’re a bitch who is anorexic or bulemic (even though you may be fatter than she is) and she’s not going to let you take her son down with your bony-ass. So, basically she will be testing you all through the Valentine’s Day holiday by giving you big-ass plates of food. Most of it will be stuff that you don’t like. Just remember that the only reason she is doing this is because you are so skinny. (Well, at least in her mind you are skinny if you don’t eat the food that she puts on your plate.) Yes, I know that this is discrimination but who says that life is fair! Just suck it up and deal with it! Simply eat whatever food your boyfriend’s Overweight Mama puts on your plate! Also be prepared to lick the plate clean!

Gay Guys, you might want to consider not eating anything for at least two days before you go to your boyfriend’s Overweight Mama’s house to really show her that you have a “healthy” appetite.

For future visits you might want to present your boyfriend’s Overweight Mama with copies of grocery, takeout and delivery food receipts to prove to her that you ARE feeding her baby and not starving him to death if the relationship develops into something more serious. Just think Gay Guys, you’ll only have to do this for the first three years of your marriage but then you’re home free!

BLACK MAMA HOUSE RULE:
“Oh no he didn’t! Don’t crack your gum up in a Black Mama’s House!”

It doesn’t matter if you are a Black, White, Hispanic, Asian or Indian, Gay Guy DON’T I repeat DON’T come up into a Black Mama’s house smackin’ and poppin’ on ANY kind of gum because this is the fastest way to get the watermelon or spearmint flavored taste knocked out of your mouth!

Don’t be no fool!

To a Black Mama smackin’ and poppin’ on gum up in her house is the ultimate sign of disrespect and that won’t be tolerated!

So, don’t do it unless you have a serious death wish! (At this time I would like to send a shout out to the late Charles Bronson.)

Major Sucking Up Tip: Bring along a couple of packs of Juicy Fruit, Wrigley’s Spearmint, Bazooka, Dentyne, Chiclets and Bubble Yum Bubble Gum and present them as a gift to your boyfriend’s Black Mama.

Always remember that a Black Mama can smack and pop on gum up in her own house but you sure as hell can’t!

SEXY MAMA HOUSE RULE:
“Zip it! Mind your own damn business when it comes to your boyfriend’s mamas sexy wardrobe!”

Let’s face it, just because a woman turns 40, 50 or 60 doesn’t mean that she stops being sexy. There are many older women like Tina Turner, Goldie Hawn and Sophia Loren whose sexiness defies age HOWEVER this does not apply to your boyfriend’s mama.

So Gay Guys, when your boyfriend’s 69 year old Sexy Mama opens the front door wearing a crotch-length black skirt, pink midriff shirt and the most gaudy pair of black stilettos that you have ever seen, do yourself and your boyfriend a favor and keep your damn mouth shut! If you have a negative comment keep your damn mouth shut! If you have a positive comment keep your damn mouth shut! Bite your tongue or lip but do whatever the hell you have to do to keep quiet about your boyfriend’s mamas sexy wardrobe!

Gay Guys PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE don’t say a damn thing because if you do a Sexy Mama will quickly tell you that the way she dresses is none of your goddamn business cause’ you don’t pay none of her bills and don’t do a damn thing for her! So who the hell is some stranger to tell her how to dress! So mind your own damn business!

Gay Guys, just send a word of thanks up to God that your mother doesn’t dress like a dime store hooker like your boyfriend’s mama does.

But most importantly Gay Guys, pray to God, I mean pray like hell that your boyfriend’s Sexy Mama will want to spend the Valentine’s Day holiday at home and won’t want to go out to dinner because you’ll just die of embarrassment if you have to go out in public with your boyfriend’s Hoochie, I mean Sexy Mama dressed like that! Amen!

And to the rest of the mamas that I didn’t have time to mention in this article, gay guys just use your common sense and think with the big head when it comes to meeting your future hubbie’s mama for the first time this Valentine’s Day and you will be just fine!

Have a good one!

P.S. Atheist Mamas Love Jodie Foster and the movie, Contact!

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TINA “KNOWLEDGEABLE” PEDEN’S GREETING CARDS IN A BLOG POST! (GREETING CARD 3)


 

With Valentine’s Day always around the corner, I decided that I had better get going writing my greeting cards. Here is a Valentine’s Day greeting card that I wrote for the masses.

Back in my day, on Valentine’s Day we exchanged cards with all of the other kids in school.

When I didn’t get a card from a classmate that I liked (or disliked for that matter),

I FELT LIKE A TOTAL ZERO!

I FELT SO ALONE!

I FELT LIKE NOBODY IN THE ENTIRE WORLD LOVED ME!

Which is why this Valentine’s Day I felt it was so very important to let you know three things, my love:

FIRST, you are a perfect 10 with faults and I love each and every one of them plus everything else about you!

SECOND, you will never be alone because I love you and I can’t live in this great big ol’ world without you!

THIRD, just in case you haven’t already figured out the theme of this Valentine’s Day card, I will say it again and again and again and many more times in our blessed future together, “I Love You!”

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY, AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN, MY LOVE!

(Consider this gift to go along with the card–Red or pink roses, chocolates or candy in a heart-shaped box.)

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TINA “KNOWLEDGEABLE” PEDEN’S GREETING CARDS IN A BLOG POST! (GREETING CARD 2)


(This is a Christmas Day greeting card for lovers. It is a card that a man can give to that special lady in his life.)

When It Comes To The Kissing Snow, Don’t Fight It Baby!

It arrives a few days before Christmas Day,
And sometimes on the big day itself,
It’s different from other snow,
And baby, you’ll know it!

To put it simply, once the kissing snow of Christmas Day starts to fall upon you,

Wham!
Bam!
Lover’s delight!
Pure orgasmic dynomite!

Sensual visions instantly start to fill your head and loins,
“Come to me my sweet valentine, I want to put your delectable lips to mine!”

The rush of a fervent blush spreads like wildfire all over your body,
Passion containment is futile,
Don’t try to fight it baby!

Kissing you my sweet valentine is the only cure,
I adore, I want more, my desire for you soars!
Don’t fight it baby!

On this wondrous Christmas Day my sweet valentine, let the kissing snow of Christmas Day bewitch you body and soul,

So that I, your lover, can take complete possession of your lovely body and soul on this wondrous Christmas Night!

P.S. MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM YOUR “HOPE I GET LUCKY TONIGHT BECAUSE I GOT ALL ROMANTIC AND SHIT THIS YEAR ON XMAS INSTEAD OF JUST ON VALENTINE’S DAY LIKE I USUALLY DO SO THEREFORE I DESERVE A REWARD” LOVER!

(Hey guys, consider giving this gift to go along with this greeting card–A package of Hershey’s chocolate kisses with a red ribbon tied around it, sexy lingerie from Victoria’s Secret or Target and a Kissable Kandle from Nawty Things in an assortment of flavors. Merry Christmas guys and I hope you get a lot of nookie along with all of those Christmas cookies!)

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