Posts tagged Wedding

(WELCOME TO TINA KNOWLEDGEABLE PEDEN’S A NOTEWORTHY ATTRIBUTE REVIEWS!) IF YOU EVER DECIDE TO TRAVEL THROUGH NEW ENGLAND, PRESCOTT PARK HAS THE BEST AMENITIES!


Hey fellow travelers and travelettes, if you ever decide to travel through New England, Prescott Park has the best amenities. To check them out, keep reading!

A Noteworthy Attribute:
(Prescott Park/Lavatory)
Cost:  Free — and in the Obama economy that sounds darn good to me!For most people who visit Prescott Park, their favorite thing is all the different varieties of beautiful and colorful flowers planted all over the park.

And for some people who visit Prescott Park who love fitness and exercise their favorite thing is to walk on the many paths in the park in a safe setting.

And for some homeless people who visit Prescott Park their favorite thing is the nice peaceful setting filled with many comfortable benches all over the park with some overlooking the exquisite flowers and some overlooking the sometimes disgustingly dirty Piscataqua River where they can eat and rest at for a long while after a long hard day of job hunting or slacking off due to being kicked out of Crossroads Homeless Shelter for the day.

And for some people who visit Prescott Park who are true romantics at heart their favorite thing is that on any given day they may come across a wedding so ethereal that they wonder if what they are really seeing is indeed real or they have fallen asleep and somehow been transported into some kind of wonderful fairy tale.

And for some people who visit Prescott Park who are very maternal and paternal their favorite thing is to see all of the different families in all shapes, sizes, colors and creeds picnicking all over the excellently manicured lawns of the park or see both heterosexual and homosexual parents alike scream things lovingly at their children like, “Don’t put that into your mouth because we can’t afford to have your stomach pumped at the hospital!” or “Where did that hickey come from, young lady, it wasn’t there 25 minutes ago!”

But screw all that crap, literally!

(Really loud snicker!)

Because for me, Tina “Knowledgeable” Peden, my personal favorite thing about Prescott Park borders on the unusual.  My favorite thing about Prescott Park is the women’s lavatory!  And here are it’s many amenities:

-Toilets with ultra-fast flushing speed that rival any driver racing at the Indianapolis 500 today.
-Rolls and rolls of strong and sturdy toilet paper guaranteed to last up against the most runny number 2 stools.
-Stalls so darn large that even triple crown winning horse Secretariat could easily take a dump in.
-A lavatory so airy due to the main door always being open that even the stinkiest piss or poop smells vanish within minutes.

So fellow travelers, if you ever find yourselves visiting Portsmouth New Hampshire and you suddenly have to take a serious dump due to all of the delicious seafood that you scarfed down at Jumpin’ Jay’s Fish Cafe and are unfortunately with your husband and gazillion kids and want to ditch them for a few hours so that you can let the excrement flow, then haul your butt and brood over pronto to  Prescott Park and “dump” them there so that they can enjoy the many amenities that the park has to offer while you enjoy my personal favorite amenity of Prescott Park, the Prescott Park Lavatory and poop until your heart and colon are completely content!

Comments (1) »

HOW TO MAKE MONEY OFF OF YOUR WEDDING GUESTS ON YOUR WEDDING DAY!


Hey girlie, remember, it’s your day and you can do anything that you want to! (Girls Gone Wild, Woo-Hoo!) And if doing what you want means taking your wedding guests to the “cleaners” financially, then, oh well! So be it! Ka-ching!
Hey, it’s not like you held a gun to their heads and forced them to spend their money on your service! Uh-huh, honey, it was their decision to spend their money on your service. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! (Faux evil laugh as I rub my hands diabolically together!)

But before I get ahead of myself (which I already have) and you begin to ask yourselves, “What the hell is this chick talking about?” (which you already have) Check this out!

There is a company in Utah named “Speaking Roses.” The company is very unique and innovative. Speaking Roses has developed a process in which photographic images and written words can be printed on the petals of a flower. How cool is that!

I mean, how wonderful is it to have the ability to send another individual flowers and a mini-greeting card all at the same time. And let’s face it, a flower smells a hell of alot better than a greeting card made out of paper. Sorry, Hallmark, American Greetings and Blue Mountain Arts but it’s true and you know it!

Other companies in the floral industry may be able to offer you the same photo and text services printed on a flower but how many of them give a person the chance to be their own boss like Speaking Roses does? Ya’ know be numero uno, the big cheese, basically the big kahuna! Not many. Alot of other companies just don’t want to share the wealth with anyone but themselves and that makes me so sad and mad! (Hey, that rhymes!)

So, listen up enterprising brides: The floral, gifts and greeting card industries make billions of dollars in just the United States alone so why not use your income tax refund to get your share of the American dream pie by becoming a Speaking Roses licensed owner and starting your own flower embossing business and kick-starting it on your wedding day!

Here are some of the benefits of this bridal business launch:

-your customers can give their recipients that “wow” factor that they just can’t get from an ordinary greeting card.

-you can pay back mom and dad the money that they paid for the wedding which is a pretty nice and much appreciated gesture. Yahoo!

-make a steady income off of your future husband’s lame-ass desperate for a date single friends.

-perfect for people with short attention spans who don’t like to read traditional greeting cards. (Loud-ass snicker and a big “omigod!)

Leave a comment »

JOURNALING FOR BRIDEZILLAS!


This article appeared in the Issue 13 of Dig This Real Magazine.

A. Signs That You Have Come Into Contact With A Bridezilla

1. Do you have a friend or relative who used to be as “sweet as apple pie” but has done a complete 180 and turned into a Witch, ever since she got engaged?

2. Is the only thing that you hear roaring out of her mouth since she got engaged is: MY WEDDING! MY WEDDING! MY WEDDING!

3. Would you happily prefer to have a root-canal over having to be within a 10 foot radius of your newly-engaged friend or relative?

Well, CONGRATULATIONS! You have just come into contact with your first Bridezilla! (God help you!)

And, just in case some of you out there reading this article don’t know what a Bridezilla is, the following is a definition written by author and etiquette expert, Gail Dunson, that pretty much sums it up.

BRIDEZILLAS are a new breed of soon-to-wed women who abuse the idea that weddings are “their day.” They terrorize their bridal party and family members, make greedy demands and break all rules of etiquette to insure that they are the single most important person on the planet from the time that they are engaged to
the time that they are married.

The transformation from good to evil is truly astounding! For a real-life example of this phenomenon, tune into the television show, Bridezillas which comes on at 10 pm ET and 7 pm PT on The Women’s Entertainment (WE) channel. For more info, visit their website at http://www.we.tv

B. How To Get Rid Of A Bridezilla

There are a lot of ways that a person can get rid of a Bridezilla, but most of them are against the law. Basically, if you don’t want to wind up in jail or in the electric chair, I am going to suggest this less controversial method. Buy her a journal and encourage her to use it frequently.

One of the main reasons why a Bridezilla acts the way that she does or any other
bride for that matter, is the extreme stress that usually comes with planning and
executing a wedding. Go out and buy her a journal so that she can record her thoughts and experiences, good and bad, leading up to the big day.

Frequent journaling can help a Bridezilla get the little things as well as the big
ones off of her chest. This release can actually make her feel better mentally and physically because
some of the weight that she has been carrying around has been lifted.

Also, by recording her thoughts and experiences and then going back and re-reading
what she has written can sometimes make things much clearer and give her some
fresh insight that she didn’t have before. Journaling really can help you solve some of your problems.

When deciding what type of journal to buy for your friend or relative, remember anything goes! The journal that you give to her can be of any size or of any medium. The journal can be small and portable like a pocket-sized notebook or it can be big and bulky and require a forklift to carry it. It doesn’t matter! Also folks, remember that the year that we are currently living in is 2006. The journal has come a long way baby!

– -For those Millennium Bridezillas, you might want to consider giving her a microcassette recorder with a pack of microcassettes. This method of journaling is highly effective for those Bridezillas on the go and for those who love
to hear the sound of their own voices.

– -For those Voyeuristic Bridezillas you might want to suggest to her that she create her own online journal or wedding blog. There are so many sites where she can do this. And do it for free! Tblog.com and Myspace.com are some
good ones. Blogger.com is another excellent one.

At Blogger, she can publish her thoughts and get feedback from other Bridezillas, professional wedding planners, cake decorators, florists, etc. Blogger also lets you post photos! So basically, a Bridezilla can snap a shot of her wedding dress and then upload it for all the world to see and drool over. They also have two other cool features worth mentioning. The first one is called Blogger Mobile. It lets you send photos and text to your blog from your phone. A must for the Bridezilla on the go! The second is Audio Blogger which lets you call Blogger from any phone and leave a message that is instantly posted to your blog as an MP3 audio file! How cool is that!

Remember, whatever method a Bridezilla uses to journal doesn’t matter, just as long as she does it, FREQUENTLY! The main objective in helping a Bridezilla get rid of the stress that is making her act irrationally is for her to get what is bothering her out on paper, cassette, an online journal or blog, or even on a video/dvd. And not to take it out on innocent friends, relatives or hired staff who just want to help.

It’s important as a friend or relative, that you make her see that journaling during this extremely stressful time has so many benefits that she should take advantage of.
For instance:

1. She can use her journal to set goals and deadlines of what she wants to accomplish each day before the wedding.

2. She can really get herself organized which may help to alleviate some of the chaos that comes with planning and executing a wedding.

3. She can keep track of her expenditures. Nothing creates more stress for a Bridezilla than spending money that she doesn’t have.

4. Her journal can serve as a beloved memento that can be shared with the kids one
day.

– -In the case of an online journal, she can help other brides-to-be, by sharing
valuable info like: who are the best caterers in town, the photographers who
are most likely to rip you off, etc.

And do you want to know what the biggest benefit of all is?

Frequent journaling has the power to get rid of a Bridezilla!

And let’s face it, that is exactly what everyone involved in a wedding wants, including the Bridezilla herself.

Comments (1) »

%d bloggers like this: