Posts tagged Will Smith


10. Avoid having your prep school buddies tell back in the day stories about you.

9. Avoid having talking parrots named “Peepsta” talk shit about you behind your back.

8. Avoid having a one-name professional stage name like Bret, Kippy or Witherspoon.

7. Avoid having white people walk beside you at daytime instead of moving across the street.

6. Avoid having respected rappers like Ice-T, Dr. Dre or Snoop Dogg diss you in a rap song.

5. Avoid starring in a lame-ass movie like “Are We There Yet” and star in a kick-ass tv show like “Law & Order SVU”. (Hey Ice Cube, I applaud the showing of a loving caring black father but overall the movie still sucked! Sorry brother, just telling it like it is! And Ice-T, I love the show and your cop character, Fin Tutuola! From rapping about killing cops to portraying one. You’ve come a long way, baby! In the good sense, of course.)

4. Avoid attending National Organization of Women rallies where you bust out rhymes like “Everybody let’s get this party started! So I want all of ya’ll to say strong confident woman, strong confident woman!” When a more appropriate professional rapper would have busted out a rhyme like “Everybody let’s get this party started! So I want all of ya’ll to say ho! Say ho ho ho ho!” (P.S. Professionalism goes a long way in the rap world!)

3. Avoid ripping off the names of kick-ass legendary actors like “Al Pacino” and going by a totally lame-ass variation of it like “Alpa Chino” in real life or in fictional kick-ass movies like Tropic Thunder. (P.S. This black female writer thinks that talented-ass white actor, Robert Downey Jr. did a totally kick-ass performance as black Sargeant Lincoln O’Siris in the kick-ass movie, Tropic Thunder!)

2. Avoid writing a song for use in real life or in a fictional movie like Tropic Thunder where you repeatedly say, “I love the pussy! Hell yeah! I love the pussy! Hell yeah!” When you clearly love the penis. More specifically former N’Sync boy band member and passable actor, Lance Bass’ penis! (Ewww, gross!)

1. Avoid having a totally talented-ass but scary-ass especially when it comes to his ex-wife, Kim, white rapper like Eminem (a.k.a. Marshall Mathers) give you any kind of praise whatsoever! (P.S. Eminem may be a totally talented-ass scary-ass multi-million dollar numerous number one songs rapper but he is a totally talented-ass scary-ass multi-million dollar numerous number one songs WHITE rapper which to the world of rap which is predominantly BLACK is a total negative. God Bless Rap In America And God Please Eliminate Reverse Racism In America!)

WARNING & SPECIAL NOTE: If you are a BLACK rapper who either is from Stamford Connecticut or has parents with white collar jobs avoid going into rap at all because you’ll never be taken seriously and will be constantly dissed for not being poor or not growing up in a bad neighborhood! But if you are black rappers in the above situations who absolutely insist on going into rap because it is your God given right, then perhaps take a play out of the Black But Totally Middle Class Will Smith Play Book and rap only about things that you know like “Parents Just Don’t Understand” Middle Class Stuff. And in your case black rappers from Stamford Connecticut or whose parents have white collar jobs try rapping about your country club woes or which college should I go to in the fall woes and the rap world just may accept and only snicker a little at you.

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Picture this scenerio from a random conversation from co-workers Lucy and John during lunchtime on July 2nd.

(A visibly upset Lucy says to her co-worker, John vehemently.)

Lucy: “Oh, John! I can’t wait for Independence Day to be over! If the truth be told, it’s my least favorite holiday of the year! Dratted holiday!”

(A now beet red John suddenly bursts fourth, oh I mean, forth with these words.)

John: “Damn, Lucy! I didn’t know that I was eating lunch with a traitor! Shame on you, gal! In my opinion, any person who doesn’t like the Fourth of July Holiday is not worthy enough to call themselves an American! I personally love this country and Independence Day! Shame on you Lucy, you damn traitor!”

(John then savagely throws the half-eaten contents of his lunch into his lunch bag and storms angrily away. Lucy in absolute shock just sits in her chair totally frozen and totally hurt by John’s harsh and judgmental words. A couple minutes later, Lucy starts to come around and when she does her blood instantly starts to boil because not only does a person she considers to be a friend doesn’t have the decency to give her a chance to explain why she dislikes Independence Day but he also has the audacity to question her loyalty to her country by calling her a traitor.)

Now folks if you give me a chance, I will tell you what Lucy didn’t get to tell John.

When Lucy told John that the Fourth of July Holiday was her least favorite holiday by no means did she mean that she hated what that important day stood for which is obviously the conclusion that John jumped to. Nor did Lucy intentionally mean to sound so dismal about the upcoming Independence Day Holiday it’s just that her nerves were severely frazzled and her words ended up coming out the wrong way. Let me explain.

You see folks, every year in Lucy’s neighborhood at least 2 weeks before the Fourth of July Holiday the young people in her neighborhood set off firecrackers and cherry bombs at all hours of the day until 11:00 pm which is when their parents finally lay down the law and inform their children that there are many people in their neighborhood who need some peace and quiet because they have to get up early in the morning to go to work and also that the eleven o’clock news is on and after a hard day they would like to be able to sit down and watch the broadcast in peace. And to add fuel to the fire to Lucy’s dilemma basically after the end of the Independence Day Holiday the young people in her neighborhood still continue to set off firecrackers and cherry bombs for at least another month afterwards. Unfortunately with Lucy being a person who doesn’t like loud noises especially sudden and continuous loud noises as you can imagine the Fourth of July Holiday is an absolute nightmare for her. The constant jumping at every firecracker and cherry bomb is not only irritating but mentally trying for her. And the anticipation of wondering when the next firecracker or cherry bomb will go off isn’t exactly easy to deal with either.

Folks, Lucy loves her neighborhood because it contains good people, is close to her relatives who live near by, is reasonable priced, is in a good area and is a short commute to downtown where she is employed so moving out of the neighborhood is not an option. So every July and August, Lucy carries earplugs and her ipod with her everywhere she goes just in case a firecracker or cherry bomb is set off while she is out and about and when she’s at home she turns the volume of the tv or radio a little louder just in case as well.

So folks you could say that Lucy is doing everything she can to accommodate the Fourth of July Holiday. Folks I ain’t gonna’ lie and tell you that Lucy is perfect because she’s not. Every once in a while she will whine about Independence Day but most of the time she keeps her mouth shut because she knows that the world doesn’t revolve around her. Although she personally doesn’t like the holiday she knows that alot of other people do and she doesn’t want to ruin it for them by being a Debbie Downer which is one of the primary reasons why she tries to stay silent.

If Lucy could have her way she would make it that only a person could see the beautiful fireworks on the Fourth of July and not hear them. She would also do away with all firecrackers and cherry bombs and keep only sparklers. But Lucy knows that is only a pipe dream that firecracker and cherry bomb manufacturers would never allow. And that is exactly what Lucy would have told John if he had given her a chance to explain.

And that is not the only thing that Lucy would have told John either. She would have also added that there is no law that states to be an American you have to like Independence Day. There are many Americans all over the world who tell people every day that they don’t like Halloween, Mother’s Day or Christmas and they are usually not called traitors but unfortunately when it comes to the Fourth of July Holiday there is a double standard which is not fair.

There are many Americans in the world like Lucy who love the land of the free just as much as all of the John’s in the world and what that beautiful day stood for but may not like the Independence Day Holiday itself for one reason or the other. And in Lucy’s case, it’s the loud noise of the Fourth of July Holiday which unfortunately goes together. And thanks to firecracker and cherry bomb manufacturers and all of the money that they make from the now over commercialized Independence Day Holiday they will forever go together. Till death do them part, baby! Unfortunately for Lucy, money talks and sensitive eardrums walk.

Anyhoo, Lucy and Tina “Knowledgeable” Peden would like to wish everyone a very Happy and Safe Fourth of July Holiday no matter whether you like the holiday or not.

I ain’t judging you.

P.S.   I love you Declaration of Independence!  Sorry, Great Britain.


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