Posts tagged Women

IN HONOR OF REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTA PORSHA STEWART & KENYA MOORE’S BRAWL AT THE TAPING OF THE RHOA REUNION I WROTE THIS SONG CALLED MEOW TV!


MEOW TV

(Verse 1)

-I turn the tv to the Bravo Channel and I hear,
-Girl, you throwin’ shade,
-Get outta’ my face, bitch,
-You ain’t no real friend,
-Quit lying cause’ I have always been,
-Drama, drama, drama,
-And then the claws come out,

(Chorus)

-Meow, scratch,
-Meow tv,
-It’s tacky,
-It’s fighty,
-Meow, scratch,
-Meow tv,
-Don’t enrich me,
-Only entertains me,
-Meow, scratch,
-Meow tv,
-Come on, baby,
-These bitches drive me crazy,
-Meow, scratch,
-Meow tv,
-Lots of ladies,
-Broke-ass or in mercedes,
-Meow, scratch,
-Meow tv,
-Cheap production fee,
-Makes alot of money,
-Meow, scratch,
-Meow tv,
-Self respect nonexistent honey,
-Fame and money is lord, baby,
-Meow, scratch,
-Meow tv,
-Unlikely win an emmy,
-Shit’s here to stay, baby,
-Meow, scratch,
-Meow tv,
-Raise your glass to Meow tv,
-And pop a Xanax before drinking your sweet tea,
-And before watching all of the drama on Meow tv!

(Verse 2)

-Honey, twirl your ass on outta’ here,
-Ladies, let’s keep it all the way real,
-You bitches are just jealous of my jesus jugs,
-She gettin’ on my nerves, she needs to shutup,
-Bitch whatchu’ gonna’ do, who gonna’ check me boo,
-Drama, drama, drama,
-And then the claws come out,

(Chorus)

(Verse 3)

-NeNe and Vicki, original gangstas and ultra queen bees,
-What those chicks need is a really good read,
-At least I know what the underground railroad is,
-Honey, you didn’t know what vagina your husband was sticking his dick in,
-Shut the fuck up before I knock your teeth down your throat,
-Drama, drama, drama,
-And then the claws come out,

(Chorus)

To view the rest of my lyrics please go to:                                 http://songbay.co/view-lyric/3147/  

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ANGELINA, ADULTERY, ANGELINA, MASTECTOMY, ANGELINA, FREE PASS?


Recently actress, Angelina Jolie has come out to the public about having a preventive double mastectomy after learning that she carries a mutation of the BRCA1 gene which sharply increases her risk of developing breast cancer and ovarian cancer.

In my opinion, I think that she did a wonderful thing!

Because of her worldwide celebrity and her being a mother to many children, I have noticed that more women are not only talking about this uncomfortable and serious subject but they are also doing more research on the BRCA1 gene and learning that they have early options.  And Angelina Jolie should be applauded for this.  And so many individuals have been doing just that including many celebrities and bloggers.

HOWEVER ……….

I have also noticed something else since Angelina Jolie recently came out and that something is hypocrisy.

Just a few years ago, some of the same bloggers and celebrities who are currently singing Angelina’s praises like she is the most perfect human being on earth were also trashing the hell out of her then nasty-ass for not only committing adultery with then very married mega-stud movie actor, Brad Pitt while filming the movie, Mr. and Mrs. Smith but for also not coming clean and telling the truth to the world that they actually had an affair and for not apologizing to Miss Apple Pie America, Jennifer Aniston, Pitt’s former wife.

(P.S.    Hey Angelina and Brad, couldn’t you two at least have take a tattered musty-ass page out of the LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian adultery playbook and apologize and keep talking and singing songs about your affair until people are so fed up with hearing you talk and write songs about your affair that they literally want to blow their brains out at the mere mention of it?)

Anyhoo, back to the uncomfortable issue at hand which is:

When a celebrity gets cancer or any other potentially bad or fatal disease does this wipe out or grant them a free pass for all of the shitty things that they have done in the past? (i.e.    In Angelina Jolie’s case, having a sexual affair with a married man.)

Hmmm, just wondering.

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LATELY I HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THE BIG “M” ISSUE……….


I can’t remember what exactly triggered the memory but as I was doing the dishes two days ago, I thought of something that I haven’t for a long time.

About ten years ago when I had delusions of stand up comedic grandeur I went to a talent agency in Omaha. At that time folks I was living in Des Moines Iowa and Omaha Nebraska back then to me was the Los Angeles California of the Midwest.

Anyhoo when I went to this talent agency in Omaha that I immediately noticed was run by a lack luster Richard Belzer knockoff instead of this clone asking me important comedian things like for instance to deliver a short monologue or if I had racked up any stage time all this idiot seemed to harp on about was that I was not wearing any makeup and if the truth be told I was totally shocked! And as you probably can surmise, I kicked this sorry-ass loser to the curb along with the rest of the garbage. And I also abandoned all thoughts of being a professional stand up comedian opting instead to be a writer who specializes in comedy writing.

And to make a long story short, I hope, over the past two days this incident that happened so long ago has gotten me to thinking about the big “M” issue and for those committment phobic guys who weren’t paying attention in the previous three paragraphs of this blog post, don’t get scared and run away because when I refer to the big “M” issue I am not talking about marriage but rather something just as important to the female society of America and that issue is makeup. And more specifically, whether to wear it or not to wear it.

In my case I choose not to wear makeup and it still surprises me that even today some people think that this is a serious crime. I mean no where in the American female handbook says that to be a real woman you have to wear makeup.

In regards to performing on the stage or on film I of course know that wearing makeup can help a person to look their absolute best, transform them into a different person or bolster their self esteem. But in my case and alot of other women’s cases these things simply doesn’t apply. In fact it is the total opposite for me. Wearing makeup totally lowers my self confidence because I am constantly worried about how long it will take the makeup to run and look streaky due to my extremely oily and blemish prone skin. And that is the primary reason why I have kicked makeup to the curb along with the rest of the garbage.

Even though it was absolutely none of the lack luster Richard Belzer knockoff talent agency owner’s business why I was not wearing makeup all of these years later I deeply regret not showing some backbone by telling him the reason why I was not wearing makeup plus I also regret not telling him a few other things as well, such as…………..

Does makeup have some special magical powers that I don’t know about such as delivering a perfect monologue for you on stage?

Will makeup protect your feelings and pride from cruel insults from hecklers?

Will makeup itself turn you into a superstar comedian like Richard Pryor or Jerry Seinfeld?

And folks, we all know the answers to these questions. I’m just hoping that the lack luster Richard Belzer knockoff talent agency owner in Omaha will some day know it too and focus on more important things from potential clients like talent and skill and not superficial things like whether or not a person is wearing makeup.

You know folks, saying your peace really can make you feel a whole lot better even after ten years.

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6 REASONS WHY WOMEN SHOULD DO THE NASTY DURING THEIR MENSTRUAL PERIODS!


Usually when most women think about having sex during their menstual periods the word, “gross” immediately springs to mind. But let me tell you something my fellow maidens that extremely creative women like me already know and that is a woman can have the best damn sex of her life while she’s ridin’ the crimson wave! And here are a few examples, my fellow maidens.

1. If you have sex on your menstrual period and ruin the bed sheets, couch cushions, carpeting on the floor or the brand new red and white checkered table cloth that your mother-in-law bought you at Walmart for $12.99 the good news is that you have the perfect excuse to go on a shopping spree! And oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, how us girls loves us some shopping spree! Hooray!

2. My fellow maidens let’s face it, guys love two things when it comes to sex. First they like it “red hot” and second they like it “wet!” So by having sex on your menstrual period your guy gets a kick-ass 2 for 1 deal. Since menstrual blood is red and the vagina is usually hot, you’re giving that lucky bastard exactly what he wants! And let’s face it fellow maidens, what guy wants to stick his hot prick all up into a dry-ass hole, B-O-R-I-N-G! Maidens, since menstrual blood is wet, again your giving that lucky bastard what he wants, a slick-ass hole that he can ease on down ease on down the road into.

3. For all of those prim and proper maidens out there whose sex lives have become extremely “vanilla” and it’s driving them fucking crazy, doin’ the nasty on your menstrual period can break you out of that boring gelatin mold that you are stuck in. Maidens, experimentation and getting a little freaky deaky when it comes to sex can bring a couple even closer together which is something most women want.

4. If you are one of those maidens that lives in a dump or shitty-ass house or apartment due to low finances, attending college or you simply are into slumming just think how happy you’re gonna’ make some of the bed bugs in your crappy crib by gettin’ busy with your man while your on your menstual period since those sons of bitches can live for a year off a single drop of blood! Just think you’re not only gonna’ score mad points from the constantly discriminated bed bug community but from PETA as well! You go humanitarian, girl!

5. To some guys a “I don’t give a fuck attitude” can be a real turn on! So by having sex during your menstual period you are basically showing your man that he ain’t no damn inconvenience and there ain’t no shame to your game. Meaning: You’ve had sex together in the past with your man and you have cleaned up a shitload of his sperm and gallons and gallons of your own pussy juice so cleaning up a few pints of menstrual blood after sex is no big deal. And maidens, guys who love gals with “I don’t give a fuck attitudes” are gonna’ love you for your free nasty-ass spirit!

6. Fuck roses, chocolates and romantic poems! What better way to declare your love for your man by fucking his brains out on your menstrual period to Leona Lewis’ hit song, “Bleeding Love!” Let’s face it maidens, nothing says “I love you” more than this.

So maidens, my advice to you is to: DO IT, DO IT, DO IT TILL YOUR SATISFIED, even if it is during your monthly menstrual period!

After all, who the fuck cares!

Go for it!

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HOW HOLLYWOOD IS STILL FICKLE ABOUT SHOWING A GUY’S PICKLE!


Here is an article that I wrote and put on Instablogs in June 2008 and i’m sad to report almost four years later not much has changed.

Back in the day when a crew was shooting a porno and a guy’s penis was exposed you could immediately hear the word “pickle” shouted from every rooftop until that shot was erased.

With movies like “9 1/2 Weeks”and tv shows like “Sex and the City” shattering taboos on human sexuality there is one thing that has unfortunately remained unchanged.

And that’s Hollywood’s refusal to show “pickle” in mainstream Rated “R” movies.

And as a 38 heterosexual Black Female, I gotta’ say that’s a damn shame!

I mean, oh sure, we gotta’ glimpse of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s “pickle” in the first “Terminator” movie and we got to see Richard Gere’s “pickle” in “American Gigolo” and thank you God, we got to see a snippet of Denzel Washington’s “pickle” in the movie, “Ricochet” but basically other than a scattering you really see little “pickle” in mainstream Rated “R” movies.

Which is the biggest hypocritical double standard in Hollywood because in alot of mainstream movies including PG-13 movies you see every part of a woman’s anatomy including her vajayjay.

I wonder when will this double standard stop!

When will the predominantly male studio heads stop being so stupid and show more “pickle!” I mean it’s not like we’re asking to see theirs!

NOTE: WOMEN ARE NOT PERVERTS BECAUSE THEY WANT TO SEE SOME “PICKLE” EVERY NOW AND THEN! WE’RE HUMAN!

If the truth be told, if you ask the average woman, i’ll bet she wouldn’t mind seeing more “pickle” in main stream Rated “R” movies.

I mean why do women basically have to rent a porno to see some “pickle?”

Hey Hollywood, stop the insanity and give women what they really want which is equality in nudity among the sexes in the mainstream motion picture industry.

PLEASE!

Hey ladies, one day in the mainstream motion picture industry we will overcome too!

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ATTENTION LADIES OF ALL ASTROLOGICAL SIGNS, THIS IS YOUR HOROSCOPE FOR THE YEAR 2013!


Ladies, regardless whether you are an aries, taurus, gemini, cancer, leo, virgo, libra, scorpio, sagittarius, capricorn, aquarius or pieces, this is your horoscope for the period of January 1 – December 31, 2013, so let’s get started!

Money/Career Forecast: Luck! I see green, people! Good news! You will receive that long-awaited cost-of-living raise that you have been counting on! Unfortunately the extra 15 cents per hour won’t be enough to buy that six room beach house in the Bahamas or that pair of extra silky pantyhose with the built in granny panty crouch that you so desperately want. Dammit!
Lucky Day(s) of the Month: March 17th (Happy St. Patty’s Day!)

Love/Relationship Forecast: After years of praying, crying, binge eating chocolate bon-bons and 2,000 broken dishes, one of your wishes will finally come true when your longtime boyfriend finally tells you that he loves you but only after years of you pretending that you don’t want a serious relationship. But who cares! Better late than never! Your strategy finally paid off! You win!
Lucky Day(s) of the Month: February 14th (Happy Valentine’s Day!)

Fashion Forecast: Numerous compliments from men, women and chiguagua’s will come your way at work when you wear a stunning black dress that you bought on sale at Macys. But just remember ladies to keep a cool head when you find out after doing your laundry seven weeks later that the stunning black dress that you bought on sale is actually a MATERNITY dress and you’re not even close to being pregnant! (In fact, if the truth be told, your vagina has developed a big ol’ cobweb across the opening due to all of the sexual inactivity.) But anyhoo ladies always remember fashion rule number one: “Baby, it doesn’t matter how big a dress is, it’s how good you look in it! Work it, girl!” P.S. Big girls & thin girls rule the planet equally!
Lucky Day(s) of the Month: January 1st & July 4th (Happy New Year & Fourth of July!)

Entertainment Forecast: A new friend enters your life for a short time after a crisis situation. That’s right, you and Paris Hilton will become best buds after her filthy stinkin’ rich family finally decides to show some common sense by cutting off her inheritance and kicking her butt out of their expensive-ass diggs until she can show some damn sense. But being the good christian that you are you decide to take her into your home after you spot her panhandling for $10,000 bills out on Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills only to kick her ass out of your own home 1 hour and 31 minutes later when an african american friend of hers stops by for a visit and is told by Paris that she can’t use the Ivory Soap to wash her hands because it is strictly for white people’s use. After apologizing profusely to Nicole Ritchie and letting her use the Ivory Soap then making sure that she gets safely into her limo you decide right then and there that you are done with no-talent, famous for absolutely nothing celebutantes and your New Year’s Resolution for the year 2013 is to lead a happy drama-free simple life! Amen, sister, amen!
Lucky Day(s) of the Month: April 1st & October 31st (Happy Halloween & April Fools Day!)

Health Forecast: Laughing at my 2013 horoscope ladies combined with your beautiful sense of humor will temporarily take away any pain, physical or mental, that you are feeling so be comforted sweet spirit! Dr. Tina “Knowledgeable” Peden’s prescription for the year 2013—Include intense laughter therapy into your everyday life! Laugh as much as you can, where ever you can for as long as you can! Remember, sweet spirit, laughing is not only damn good for you but it’s absolutely free! And every person on this planet knows that a lady never turns down free stuff! It’s just in our designer jeans or something.
Lucky Day(s) of the Month: December 25th (Merry Christmas!)

Well, ladies, this concludes your astrological horoscope for the year 2013! I, Tina “Knowledgeable” Peden truly hope that you have a happy, safe and prosperous year! And that includes you too, Paris and Nicole!

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GUYS, IT’S MAJOR TABOO TALK TIME ABOUT WOMEN, SEX & STRETCHMARKS?!


I posted this article on my InstaBlogs webpage on Halloween 2008! Guys, after reading this article please take it to heart and I guarantee that your lovely lady will thank you for it!

What is SEX?

Here are a couple of answers:

A. SEX is a way of distinguishing male and female members of a species, usually by referencing their reproductive functions.

B. SEX refers to intercourse, an act that can result in reproduction.

C. SEX refers to the genitals.

Well, the SEX that i’m talking about refers to all three.

Thank god!

(Low-down dirty laugh!)

But when a woman has stretch marks, the sex can literally be a pain in the butt!

Guys, heads-up!

Every woman wants to feel sexy and beautiful during sex and having stretch marks can take alot of the enjoyment out of it.

Guys, one of the biggest taboos of all time is that women are supposed to be physically perfect!

They’re supposed to look like all of those beautiful size 2 women that we all see in magazines like Maxim, Playboy and People.

They’re supposed to have perfect hair, facial features, teeth and a smokin’ smooth body devoid of any imperfection.

Guys, this ain’t reality!

And if any guy says different you try squeezin’ a baby the size of a watermelon out of a part of a female’s anatomy that’s the size of a lemon and see how smooth your skin would be.

Oh, snap!

I mean, good luck, baby!

And a woman can’t help it if sometimes she either loses or gains some weight and her skin stretches.

That shit is outta’ her control!

Guys let’s face it, stretch marks are the badge of a real woman.

P.S. I stole that line from the Molly Ringwald movie, “For Keeps.”

Guys, another heads up!

Another taboo is making negative comments about your lady’s stretch marks during sex.

Unless you want to guarantee 100% that you won’t get any nookie or are Charles Bronson and have a major “deathwish”, keep your damn mouth shut when it comes to your lady’s stretch marks!

Guys, let me tell you three things when it comes to women, sex and stretch marks:

1. You need to constantly reassure your lovely lady that she is the sexiest woman in the world regardless of her stretch marks during sex and the sex will only get better.

2. Pretend like you are Stevie Wonder and turn a blind eye to your lady’s stretch marks or wear a blindfold which can also have it’s advantages during sex.

And

3. Go down to your local drugstore and buy your lady as much Palmer’s Cocoa Butter as you possibly can to help get rid of her stretch marks.

But guys, be nonchalant about it or there won’t be any nookie for you tonight!

Bottoms up!

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